John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE
mobile 0781 8618547"e" mail firstname.lastname@example.org (click on this to send me an "e" mail) this web site www.3d-cad-steelwork.com
Female Comics Janey Godley, Sarah Millican, Susan Calman, Gina Yashire, Kerry Godliman, Shappi Khorsandi, Sandi Toksvig, Ashli Bea, Sara Pasco, Ellie Taylor, Zoe Lyons.
A Qualified corporate Lawyer. Glasgow born Calman 40, gave it up for comedy 10 years ago.
Contrary to popular belief, I like men a lot. If I found one in my house, I wouldn't hurt him. I'd just put a glass over his head, a wee piece of paper underneath and pop him outside.
My wife is always saying to me that we should be more spontaneous. I say 'Fine When'
This bloke walked into the pub and ordered a triple brandy. After he took a large mouthful of it he said to the barman. 'With what I've got I shouldn't have done that' The Barman said 'Why, what have you got ?' The bloke replied 'about fifty pence'
I love my cats. Every night when I'm on tour, I Skype them. All over the country in budget hotels there are confused people because all they can hear is me screaming 'Say you love your mummy', and there's never the sound of a child to be heard.
Radio 4 listeners make the best audiences at gigs. I don't get heckled but I do get quite a lot of stern tutting when I swear.
Essex born Ellie read English literature at York University. The 31 year old wet into modelling before taking up comedy in 2011.
My wedding was a like a fairy tale. It wasn't magical; it's just that I've got an ugly sister.
I'm pretty tall. I had an ex-boyfriend who said that I reminded him of an king sized mars bar. I said: 'Is that because I offer a little bit extra and only a real man can handle me?' 'No, because you seem lika a good idea but I always feel sick afterwards'
I love the brutal honesty in long term relationships. I asked my partner the other day if he thought I had a moustache. He said: 'No... not in every light'
Raised in Ireland, Zoen, 43, won the funny woman award in 2004 and Dave's Funniest Joke Fringe (With an unprintable one-liner) four years later.
My decision to take the job in the lobotomy clinic was, in the end, a no-brainer.
I don't make jokes about morbidity obese because they'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.
I did a long bike ride through Brittany wearing cheap clothes and garish jewellery. It was the Tawdry France.
In certain parts of Scotland you can see large numbers of Puffins, or heavy smokers as I like to call them.
Sara, 33, lives in London with fellow stand up John Robins.
So, apparently a debrief doesn't mean 'Take your knickers off'
For my birthday, I bought myself new glasses. Now my observational comedy has really improved.
My new favourite word is 'Namaste' which is Indian for 'the yoga is finished now'
Milligcan,39, is one of UK's most successful comedians -- she is a millionaire with her sell-out tours and chart topping DVD's.
He spiked my drink with speed I didn't mind so much. Well, I got loads of hoovering done.
There's a song called Big Girls Don't Cry, Yes they do. They cry because they're fat. They can't get a boyfriend. And they cry because there's no trifle left.
I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose it's not enough just to buy it.
Sandi, 57, was born in Copenhagen. She began her career at Cambridge, writing and performing in the first all-woman show at the Footlights.
Two snakes in the jungle. One says: 'Pst I've forgotten. Are we poisonous?' The other snake says: 'Why' 'Oh, nothing,' 'It's just that I've bitten my tongue'
Ambulances are to become more accommodating to obese patients. They'll include wider stretchers, more cardiovascular equipment and a range of hot or cold sandwiches.
When I was young, my father taught me to swim by throwing me into the deep end of the pool ... and then slowly filled it with water.
Born and raised in Co Kildare, Aisling, 31, took a degree in French and philosophy at Trinity College, Dublin and then went to the London Academy of music and Dramatic Art.
I'm not very keen on exercise. I just don't like to move very much. I don't even listen to sad music in case I'll be moved.
I love sitting down. I asked if I could do my gigs sitting down but they said they couldn't legally classify me as a Stand Up.
Kim Jong-uns hair must be working for the US government because It's certainly not working for him.
Shappi, 41, fled to the UK from her native Iran at the end of the seventies with her family after her father wrote a satirical poem deemed to have been critical of the prevailing regime.
It's no fun being a broody Iranian woman. Every time I say to people 'My body clock is ticking' they would hit the ground.
I'm going to India on holiday and I wanted to know what the weather is like there. So I phoned my bank.
Whatever they say, the supermarket is not the best place to pull. I was in one with my little boy the other day and this guy said to me: 'Oh, is that your child?' He was really fit so I went: 'No, no, he just came free with three bottles of wine, which is kind of true.'
Gina, 41, a former lift engineer, won the best female gong at the black entertainment & Company Awards in 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2007.
Cyberbullying? Because kids are now to fat and to lazy to punch each other in the face, school bullies are taking money by Paypal.
When I came out to my Nigerian mum many years ago, I wanted to tell her something to dilute the shock. So I told her I was a vegan.
I'm so horrible at fitness I got a personal trainer ... and he got fat.
Mum-of-two,Kerry,39, has supported Michael MacIntyre and played Hannah in Ricky Gervais's C4 comedy.
When I was single, I would ring up Man With a Van numbers and say 'No need to bring the van'
My friend told me she's given up drinking during the week. I told her she'll dehydrate.
Why do baby clothes have Pockets? Where are they going? I've never seen a baby patting their pockets saying: 'wallet, keys, phone .. Let's go'