Park Engineering

 John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE

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Motherwell Masters Swim Club


Computer and Web Design Hints and tips


British Hospitals - True Stories.........

work of the Bonkle Poet William McCormack "Memories O' Hame" and other poems

the poet among other things Bill Baron Irvine


Model Stair Stringers in Tekla


Forbes Gentleman


Robert Burns's Auld Lang Syne


Tekla Structures hints and tips working in drawings


Tekla Advanced Topics.htm


Tekla all my stuff.htm


Tekla Components my Standard connections.htm


ARC Steel Commercials.htm


Calder Fabrications.htm


James Cowie & Co. Ltd.htm


Craig Engineerig.htm

Weldon Engineerig.htm


Anhop Metalwork.htm


Coda Fabrications.htm

Roof Edge.htm


Mansard Roof.htm


Kenny Ball.htm


Marti Pellow.htm




Kathy Kirby.htm


Billy Fury.htm


Petula Clark.htm


The Eagles.htm


Adam Faith.htm


The Searchers.htm


Bob Dylan.htm


Glasgow Humour.htm


Crosswords, a century of fun..htm


Statins Divide.htm


Cassius Clay.htm


Robert Smillie.htm


Charlie Landsborough.htm




Howard Hughes.htm


Tom Clancy.htm


James Patterson.htm




Belhaven Engineering.htm




Neil Sedaka.htm


Jim Davidson.htm


Buddy Holly.htm


Martin Luther King.htm


Charlie Drake.htm


St Vitus' Dance.htm


The Temptations.htm


Elvis Presley.htm


Billy Connolly.htm


Mrs Brown's Boys.htm


Crooner Kings.htm


Saucy Holiday




Jim Reeves.htm


Jack the Ripper.htm


Ken Dodd




Lionel Richie.htm


Ross Noble.htm


Stan Laurel.htm


Dick Turpin.htm


Chang and Eng Siamese Twins.htm




Waterloo Road.htm


Miranda Hart.htm


Kevin Bridges.htm


Tim Vine.htm


Morecambe and Wise.htm


Ku Klux Klan Jokes.htm


Rugby Jokes.htm


Library Jokes.htm


Miller Steel.htm


Miller  Fabrications.htm


Hoop Ladder jobs.htm


Stand Up Comedy, can it be taught.htm


Wilsontown The first ironworks in Lanarkshire.htm


Knicker Jokes.htm

Soul Legend Percy Sledge dies aged 73.htm

Cliff hits ace dies.htm

Stand by Me star Ben E King, dies at 76.htm

Ruth Rendell, Final Page for a great Author.htm

Charley Pride.htm

Oscar Wilde.htm

Frankie Boyle.htm

Zoe Lyons, ElieTaylor, Sara Pasco, Janey Godley, Susan Calman, Sara Millican, Sandi Toksvig.htm

Tom Jones.htm

The Proclaimers.htm

John Bishop.htm

Tommy Cooper.htm

Ricky Gervais.htm

Val Doonican.htm

Rosa Parks. I Have a Dream by Martin Luther King.htm

Joan Rivers.htm

Benny Hill.htm

Susie McCabe.htm


The funniest man who ever lived..htm


Patsy Cline







Richard Gadd




Weekly Rants 3

Iron Horse Pub

Jason Byrne

Alan Carr

Lenny Bruce 3


Bobby Vee hits Take Good Care Of My Baby and Rubber Doll

Joe Brown recalls when he was bigger than Beatles



peter,manual,the,beast,of,birkenshaw,fails,to avoid,the,




Nancy Riach The Lass who won all


What did they do before doing stand up

Hardie vehemently opposed the first world war

bernie keith






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Weekly Rants w/e 17 09 2016

I stopped at a friend’s house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered, “Yeah, three males and two females.” Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said, “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

So Adam went down into the valley, across the river, into the cave and found the woman. Then in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now” Adam said, “What’s a headache?”

What do you get if you cross a skunk with an owl? Something that smells, but doesn’t give a hoot.

A simple guide to love and long-lasting relationships: Find a man who cracks you up. Find a man who can whip up delicious meals. Find a man who has an amazing, well paid job. Find a man who will pamper you with gifts and surprises. Find a man who is incredible in bed. But most of all … find a way that these five men will never meet!

 My wife sent me shopping and told me to buy something that would make her look sexy. I came back with 2 litres of vodka – that should do the trick.

I told the doctor those pills you gave me are fantastic, but the only thing is they make me walk funny, like a crab. The Doc. Said: “Ahh that’ll be the side effects.”

My wife‘s cooking is so bad, my family usually pray after eating.

I made my girlfriend's wishes come true when we got married in a castle. Though you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her face when we were bouncing about.


Weekly Rants w/e 10 09 2016

What does a skeleton order in a restaurant? Spare ribs.

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when his wife suddenly died. The undertaker said “It will cost you £5000 to ship her home, or £50 to bury her here.” So the Scotsman said ship her home. “But sir, why don’t you just bury her here in the holy land and save money?” said the undertaker. “Listen here pal” said the Scotsman  “A long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here and three days later he was born again………” “She’s Gawn Fuckin’ Hame!!”

So the houses of Parliament are infested with vermin – and the poor rats have to live with them !!

Q:- When does a greengrocer become a bluegrocer?  A:- When he replaces signs offering ‘apples and bananas’ with one advertising ‘huge, juicy melons and ‘massive, firm plums’.

Have you heard the rumour about the empty house? There’s nothing in it?

Why couldn’t the two elephants go swimming ? They only had one pair of trunks.

 Two huntsmen flew to Alaska to shoot moose. When the pilot landed, he told the men that he would be able to take back only one moose because the aircraft was only small. When the pilot arrived back after a week, the huntsmen had shot two each. He informed them that, as he’d said, he could transport only one of each the moose. The huntsmen told him that in an aircraft the same size, the pilot had taken two moose each the previous year. The pilot decided that if four moose had been carried on board last time, he would also take that many.  The aircraft had difficulty getting airborne, and after about ten minutes it crash landed it trees. When the hunters regained consciousness, one turned to the other and said “Where are we?” The other replied: “About a hundred metres further on than last year.”

Why do French like to eat snails so much? They can’t stand fast food. 




Weekly Rants w/e 03 09 2016

I said, ‘Doctor, can you give me some sleeping pills for my wife?’ He said ‘Why?’ I said ‘She woke up!’

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? Thanks, I’ll never part with it.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

I was in the dentist’s chair when she asked, would you open up for me please? I said, well, my parents were alcoholics and I’ve been in several care homes.  

Apparently one in three people in Britain are conceived in an Ikea bed. Which is mad, because those places are really well lit …..

Why is it old people say “There’s no place like home”, yet when we put them in one ……

  Doctor, doctor,” I said “There’s something wrong with my foot. What shall I do?“ He said, “Limp.”

A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer,” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you,” replies the barman, “No charge.”


Weekly Rants w/e 27 08 2016

Why do mummies have trouble making friends? They are too wrapped up in themselves.

What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals.

  • If I had a pound for every woman that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.

    My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian …………

    “I was walking through a park thinking, why does a Frisbee get bigger the longer you look at it? Then it hit me”.

    My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

     I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, If they had an accident.

     You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoe laces and you wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.


    Weekly Rants w/e 20 08 2016

    Two old men are catching up over a beer. “I bought my wife a sex toy for her birthday,” the first says. “How did she take it?” his pal asks. “Lying down,” the first grins.

    Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticise him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.

    A man and his girlfriend are invited to a friend’s fancy dress party. Deciding that they will go at the last minute, they don’t have time to buy any costumes. In a panic they paint themselves green and turn up at the party naked – with guy giving his girl a piggyback. The host of the party sees them, and asks what they’ve come as. “I’m a tortoise, and she’s Michelle.”

    A little old man shuffles into an ice cream parlour and pulls himself slowly and painfully on to a stool. After catching his breath, he orders a banana split. “Crushed Nuts?” the waitress asks politely. “No,” the man replies, “Haemorrhoids!”

    Q Arnold Schwarzenegger has a huge one, but Michael J Fox only has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one at all, and the Pope does, but doesn’t use it …. What is it?  A A last name.

    What happened when the wheel was invented? It caused a revolution. 

    Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

    Q:- Why did the squirrel swim on it’s back? A:- To keep it’s nuts dry.

     “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says to his wife as he steps out of the shower. “Honey, what do you reckon the neighbours would think If I mowed the lawn like this?” “Well, she replies, ‘Probably that I married you for your money.”’



    Weekly Rants w/e 13 08 2016

    Did you hear about the bloke who was that thick he thought screw fix was a dating agency.

    I only realised my parents were horrible cooks when I stayed at a friends house and they prayed before the meal, not after.

    Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?
    A: Forget it once!

    A couple are snuggled on the sofa, the woman playing on her phone. ‘If only my penis was a phone,’ the man sighs. ‘Then you’d be sure to have a good fiddle with it every night!’

    Walking down a hotel corridor, a waiter hears moans and sighs coming from one of the bedrooms. Unable to resist peeking through the keyhole, he’s stunned by what the couple in the room are up to. ‘Just look at that,’ he whispers to himself. ‘And to think of the terrible fuss he kicked up last night because there was a solitary hair in his soup!’   

    Two neighbours are chatting. ‘Whatever day you hang your washing out on, it always ends up being sunny,’ the first woman says. ‘Tell me, what’s your secret?’ ‘Well,’ the second woman explains. ‘I check my hubby’s willy. If it’s lying to the right, It’s going to be a good day, If it’s to the left, it’ll rain.’ ‘And if it’s erect…?’ her pal asks. ‘Well,’ the first lady giggles. ‘Who does washing on a day like that?’

    There’s talk of banning the Mexican Wave in sports stadiums for health and safety reasons.   The fans are up in arms.        

    What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.     

    What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone? A golden receiver. 

    Why would Snow White make a good judge? Because she’s the fairest one of all.




    Weekly Rants w/e 06 08 2016

    I wouldn’t say it was tough where I live but even Mothercare have bouncers on their doors.

    Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that ever lived? Because they didn’t have any in-laws!

    Two women are gossiping about past flames’ sexual habits. ‘My last boyfriend had a fetish. He used to like dunking his balls in hot liquid, one tells the other. ’But it was never my cup of tea.’

    Q: A crayon discovers she’s pregnant, after having a threesome with two pencils. How does she know which is the father?  A: Easy – the one without a rubber.

    In the park one morning, a jogger finds a brand new tennis ball and slips it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, a woman running next to him spots the large bulge. “What’s that?” she asks, pointing down at it, her eyes wide. “Tennis ball,” the man replies. “Poor you,” the woman says sympathetically. “That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once.”   

    Two mates are chatting. “There’s talk of a new holiday called Sex Day,” the first says. “That’s great,” his pal replies. “But will bosses let their staff have it off?”  

    What’s happening when you hear ‘woof … splat … meow … splat?’ It’s raining cat’s and dogs.

    What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? A condescending ie con descending.

    What did the mouse say when it broke its front teeth? Hard Cheese           



    Weekly Rants w/e 30 07 2016

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus

    Marriage is like a pack of cards – in the beginning you need 2 hearts, followed by a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade!

    My willie was in the Guiness Book of Records .. until the librarian kicked me out. 

    Why isn’t sun tanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

    What did the Cyclops say to his girlfriend? You’re the one-eye adore.

    I thought I saw a bacon tree. A mate said he’d take a look and came back with arrows in hid chest? “Was it a bacon tree,” I asked. My mate said: “No it was an Ambush.”

     How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

    I’m making a list of reasons to move to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus.

     Last week I had a row with my girlfriend and she poked me in the eye. I stopped seeing her after that.

    A mother squid gave birth and said: “I had an inkling.”

    In a recent charity fun run, I came in runner-up to someone dressed as a Mother Superior. I was second to nun.

    What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs? A condescending ie con descending.




    Weekly Rants w/e 23 07 2016

    I think the first thing Theresa May should do is ban pre-shredded cheese. Make Britain grate again!

    I had a job as an overseas correspondent once, but it was nothing to write home about.

    Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    It was so hot the other day I saw two lamp posts fighting over a dog.

    I hear Russia is holding its own referendum soon. Putin or Putout? 

    I’ve been happily married for 33 years. That’s not bad out of 44.  

    You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. 

    Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.

    Got a job working in a fish shop, but I had pack it in, because I felt out of plaice there.

     I used to work for a sewage treatment firm. I packed it in as I was only going through the motions.

     I like to sleep naked. It’s a shame the air hostess wasn’t more understanding.

    What did the right shoe say to the left shoe? I think we must be sole mates.

     What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!


    Weekly Rants w/e 20 07 2016

    I worked in a pancake factory but I packed it in because all the staff were tossers.

    What a considerate and loving husband I am. When congratulated on achieving our 47th wedding anniversary, I said: “I couldn’t have done it without her!”

    What do you call a chicken-proof lawn? Impeccable.

    A Masseur with an attitude problem has been sacked after her clients complained that she kept rubbing them up the wrong way.

     Two friends meet for lunch. “How did your night on the town go?” the first woman asks, sipping her coffee. “Well,” the second begins. “I got chatting to this cute guy in a club. As the night progressed, he said he wanted to take me home and make love to me in the kitchen, living room, dining room and hallway. I couldn’t resist – he was gorgeous, and looked like he had enough to back it up.”   “So, he kept you up all night?” the first woman asked grinning.

    “Not really,” her friend groaned. “It out he lives in a caravan. They were all the same bloody room!”

    ‘KEEP BRITAIN’ tidy – give pointed sticks to the blind.

    Why do people tell you to grow some balls when they want you to toughen up? They should really tell you to grow a Vagina. Those things can take a pounding!.

     All jokes about penises are essentially the same.  They just vary in length ….

    How do you make a bandstand? Take their chairs away. 

    I got talking about politics at the weekend with the British crossword champion. He says if corbyn isn’t the answer it has to be something else that’s six letters long and ends with n.


    Weekly Rants w/e 09 07 2016

    What’s the difference between James Blunt and a puppy? Eventually the puppy stops whining.

    Why did the chicken get sent off? For persistent fowl play!.

    We’ve recently been given a beautiful Alsatian puppy --- he is a really adorable little thing. Unfortunately, my wife is allergic to dogs, so we’ve got to ‘get rid’. I’ll be sad to see her go because she is a very good cook and keeps the house absolutely spotless.

    A mate of mine recently got a job working in a chess-making factory. He’s on knight’s this week.

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? Vampires only bleed you dry at night.

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One said to the other:  “Does this taste funny to you”

     What stays in one corner but travels around the world? A stamp.

    Just before the Ark set sail, Noah saw his son fishing over the side. “Go easy with the bait” said Noah “We’ve only got two worms”

     I put a notice on a tree near me: “Cat missing. Has a yellow/brown coat striped with black --- answers to the name Tiger. If found, call for help.”

    There’s a problem with one armed butlers. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.

    I tried living on dog food for two weeks --- I was very ill not because of the food but due to sniffing a dogs arse in the middle of the road when a car hit me.


    Weekly Rants w/e 01 07 2016

    I was in a shop behind a polish couple and the till girl asked if they wanted help packing their bags. The fella says: “Not yet  -- The EU vote was only on Thursday!”

    What do you get when you cross LSD with a birth control pill?  A trip without the kids.

    I needed a password seven characters long, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

    I received some bad news while eating at an Indian restaurant. My naan had slipped into a korma.

    I was at a fancy-dress party when a pregnant woman arrived dressed as a ballerina. It seemed an odd choice, until she turned around so reveal a sign that read, “I should have danced all night!”

    A man calls 999. “Hello? I need your help!” Operator: “Yes, what is it?” Man: “Two women are fighting over me!”  Operator: “Erm, right… so what’s your emergency?” Man: “The ugly one is winning.”

    An investigative journalist told his editor that his report on the ice cream wars in the city contained evidence of violence, drugs and the exploitation of workers. “We’ll publish,” said the editor. “One scoop or two?,” asked the journalist.

    What did the grape say when someone stepped on it?  Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

    How do you get down from an elephant ? You don’t, you get down from a goose.



    Weekly Rants w/e 25 06 2016

    During a lads’ holiday, a man coats his mate’s condom with glue. Later, as the pal is leaving the club with a woman on his arm, the first man claps him on the shoulder. “Have fun, mate…” he smiles, winking. “Get stuck in.”

    Q: What does it say on the sign that hangs outside a sperm bank? A: Ejaculate to accumulate.

    I was in the supermarket queue the other day when a baby started wailing. It made me so angry I almost said something. What kind of parent gives a harpoon to a baby?.

    I went to the doctors today with tummy ache. He asked me to undress below the waist. I thought to myself he’s got a nerve he hasn’t taken me out for diner yet.

    I bet that the England football players don’t vote in the EU referendum. How do you expect them to put a cross in the box.

    An old lady goes into the bedroom to find her husband praying silently. “What on earth are you doing?” she asks. “Praying for guidance,” he whispers. “You’d do better to pray for stiffness,” his wife laughs. “And I’ll take care of the guidance!”

    What has four legs, is big, green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?  A snooker table.

    Computer dating is great. I’ve dated two Dells and an apple so far.

    Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.



    Weekly Rants w/e 18 06 2016

    Being a married man I try and forget my mistakes. There’s no point in both of us remembering them.

    What hotel does cheese stay at ? The Stilton.

    Q: What do you call a crocodile who likes football? A: A soccerdile!

    I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 

    My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

    Today is a sad day for me. On this day two years ago I lost my wife – what a game of poker that was !.

    I’m sure my neighbour stole my shoes and socks. Did you confront him ?. I was going to --- but I got cold feet.

    Q: What do you call a dinosaur with just one eye? A: A Doyouthinkhesaurus!

    A cannibal will never eat a divorced woman – they are too bitter.

      I watched my wife, Liz looking in the mirror one day and she said to me “Do you think I need to dye my hair?” I replied “Oh no, darling. I think it’s already very sexy as it’s 50 shades of grey.”

    Stan Laurel (1890 - 1965)  

    Born in Ulverston Cumbria, he found as half of the most popular comedy duo of the black and white era, Laurel and Hardy who made 107 films together. Unlike most movie stars, his number was listed in the phone book -- and fans were amazed to hear him answer the phone at his Californian home -- aspiring young comedian Dick Van Dyke called him for advice and even visited him there.





    Weekly Rants w/e 04 06 2016

    Burglars broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shampoo, shower gel and deodorant. They made a clean getaway.

    What’s the difference between a man arguing with his wife and a man buying a lottery ticket? A man buying a lottery ticket has a sixteen million to one chance of winning.

    “dental practice” is better than a sign on entrance to hospital saying “guard dogs operate on these premises” – now I know how bad the NHS is struggling.

    How do you make an octopus giggle ten times? Give him ten-tickles.

    Just bought a pair of trainers off a drug dealer – don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

    How do you know when a gambler has done the washing? Because everything is on the line.

    Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

     What are the only kind of pictures allowed in prison? Cellfies.

     How do I disable the auto-correct function on my wife?

    Bob Monkhouse (1928 - 2003) one of my all time favourites

    The beloved Kent born comedian and "King of the one-liners", best known for hosting TV game shows such as  Celebrity Squares and Family Fortunes, plus a well received Chat show.  He grew up in a family whose business was making custard powder and jelly.




    Weekly Rants w/e 28 05 2016

    Two parrots on a perch. One turns to the other and says: “Can you smell fish?”

    I crossed an Oxo Cube with a hyena and got an Laughing Stock.

    We hired a new cleaner recently, a lovely girl from Eastern Europe. Sadly, we had to part company. She took more that four hours to vacuum our small lounge. I should have spotted from her CV – she was a Slovak.

    Ken Dodd at Ninety Years of Age Ken Dodd has been spreading his own Brand of happiness for many decades. We don't see him on TV these days, but he still does his live shows.  My sister Lizzie went on a work "do" to see him and had a great time. She couldn't believe how long he was on stage. The show started at eight and she had to leave at 11 for her last bus -- the show went on until after midnight. Amazing to think that next year Ken will soon be 90! They don't make them like that any more.

    Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

    Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

    If you crossed a gardener with a fortune teller would they see into the Fuchsia?

    Why did the one-handed man cross the road? Because he wanted to get to the second-hand shop.

    Q: What can be seen in a garden in summer and a nudist colony in winter? A: Blue tits.

    I know this great doctor. If you’re ever at death’s door, he’ll pull you through.

    I’m a non-smoking, non drinking, vegetarian. The doctor says I won’t live forever – It’ll just feel like it.  

    “Why did you hit that policeman with the rolled up magazine?” “It said SWAT on his jacket, so I did.”

     Why wasn’t the car allowed to play football? He only had one boot.


    Weekly Rants w/e 21 05 2016

    Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede? A: A Walkie-talkie.

    Why do the French like eating snails so much.? They can't stand fast Food.

    My wife said: “I spent three hours at the beauty parlour today.” I said: “What did you have done?” She said: “Nothing, it was just an estimate.”

    Q: Why did the lettuce blush? A: It saw the salad dressing.

    On his first date with a girl, a guy gets excited when she puts her hand inside his trousers. “What are you doing?”  he asks. “Oh, nothing,” she sighs, looking disappointed. “I was hoping this would be the start of something big.”

    Q: Why is a leaflet through your door like masturbation? A: They’re both delivered by hand.

    Went down to the local baths for a swim in my Speedo trunks. But I didn’t notice the ‘S’ had peeled off.

    A man walks into the A&E with a golf club wrapped round his neck. “What happened?” the doctor asks,. “I was having a game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows,” the man explains. “I went to look for it and noticed a rather startled looking cow had something white in it’s rear end. So I lifted it’s tail and there was my wife’s ball stuck in the cow’s bottom and that’s when I made my big mistake.” “What did you do?” the doctor asked, intrigued. “Well,” the man continues, “while still holding up the cow’s tail, I yelled over to my wife: “Hey, this one looks like yours!”

    It was the drink that killed my uncle. He was run over by a Guinness lorry.

    What did the police say to the driver they saw knitting while driving on the motorway? “Pullover?”

    What do you call a man with bad cat scratches on his head? Claude.


    Weekly Rants w/e 07 05 2016

    On a romantic weekend away, a man takes his wife back to their hotel suit. She lies on the bed naked, her arms and legs outstretched, and pants: “You know what I want.” “Yes, I do,” the man replies. “The whole bed to yourself by the looks of it.”

    I went into the kitchen and found a goblin sitting atop my cooker. “Don’t be alarmed,” it said “I’m hob-goblin.”

    What do you call a vicar on a motor bike?  Rev.

    I like television, I like all those catchphrases …………. The one that every tired woman dreads to hear from her husband at bedtime: “I’ve started, so I’ll finish.”

    A young man goes to make a doctors appointment. “Can I ask what’s wrong, sir?” the receptionist ask tactfully. “Well” the young man stutters. “I constantly have a large erection.” “The GP’S busy,” she purrs in reply. “But maybe I can squeeze you in.”

    A man is in the pub, chatting happily to the barman about his new girlfriend. “She lets me lick anything off her, he begins. “Butter, jam, cheese, you name it  …….. she’s a real cracker.”

  • Patient: “Doctor, I keep looking into the future and can see everything I’ll be doing In four years time. What does it mean?”  Doctor “Don’t worry, it’s just 2020 vision.”

    Did you hear about the rouge apostrophe trying to escape a long sentence? He crashed through a colon, came to a full stop and fell into a coma.

    Aldous Huxley’s book ‘Brave New World’ mentions a drug called soma, designed to dull the pain of people having to think for themselves. Today it’s called television.



    Weekly Rants w/e 30 04 2016

    A man asks his wife why she doesn’t moan while they are having sex. Alarmed, she agrees to be more vocal in the future. The following night they start to make love. Eager to please, the wife quickly pipes up: “Isn’t it about time you fixed that crack in the ceiling? These walls need painting too………”

    “Do not touch” must be the most scary thing to read in Braille.

    I said: “How long will the spaghetti be?” The Waiter said: “I don’t know, we don’t actually measure it.”

    “My ex-wife said I was obsessed with horoscopes. It’s what Taurus apart!”

    My dog used to chase anybody on a bike a lot. It got so bad that, finally, I had to take his bike away.

    William Shakespeare walks into a pub, but the landlord shouts at him: “I’ve told you before, get out ….. you’re Bard.”  

    Why did the pie cross the road? He was meet’n’potato.

    Buyer: You said in the ad that this car was in ‘mint’ condition – but it’s got a hole in it. Seller: That’s normal. It’s a Polo.

    I’ve been single for so long now, that when someone says to me: ‘Who are you with?’  I automatically say: ‘Vodafone.’

    I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

    Q: Why did the man get thrown out of hospital? A: He took a turn for the nurse.




    Weekly Rants w/e 23 04 2016

    A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked, suspiciously. “I’m  a juggler,” the man replied. “I use these in my act” “Well, show me,” the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double-take and said: “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the roadside drink-driving test.”

    Teacher: “Children, what does chicken give you?” Students “Meat!” Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?” Students  “Bacon!”  Teacher: “Great! And now what does the cow give you?” Students:  ”Homework!”  

    Two boys are talking and one says to the other, “There’s an easy way to get more pocket money.” “How?” the second boy asks. “Tell people you know there secret,” replies the first boy. The second boy jumps up, quickly runs to his dad and says, ”I know your secret!” The dad replies, “Please tell your mother – here’s £10.” The boy then runs to his mum. “I know your secret” The mum says, “Please don’t tell your father, – here’s £15.” The boy then decides to try it on the postman. “I know your secret!” The postman opens his arms and says, “Come, give your dad a hug.”  

    Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?  A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

    Q: What do you call a woman who burns all her bills?  A: Bernadette.

    Q: How do you make holy water?  A: Just boil the hell out of it!

    What did the sign on the brothel door say?  Beat it, we’re closed.

    I found this in my archives.

    The judges had their work cut out sifting through all the entries this week for what an un-named cartoon said. After skirting around the issue, the panel knuckled down to picking a winner – and it’s John Park, (that’s me)  from Motherwell, picks up the £50 with: “They like to eat, drink and be Mary.” Well done to you, John. All the other winners pick up a tenner.  


    Weekly Rants w/e 16 04 2016

    A husband said to his wife: "Our seventh child looks very different to the other six. Did he have a different father?" "Yes" she replied "You"

  • I went to see my doctor with a parrot stuck on top of my head. The doctor asked: ‘How did this happen?’ The parrot replied: ‘It started as  a boil on my bum.’

    How did you know my girlfriend was a vegetarian? We’ve met herbivore.    

    Q: What is the real reason women are never the ones to propose?  A: As soon as a girl gets on her knees her man unzips his trousers!

    A woman is told that she can cure her dog’s deafness by cleaning his ears with hair removal cream. As she buys the cream, the chemist warns; ‘If this is for your armpits, avoid deodorant for a bit’ ‘It’s not for my armpits,’ she replies. ‘If it’s for your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days, he continues. ‘I’m not using it there either,’ she says. ‘It’s for my schnauzer.’ ‘Well,’ he says. ‘The I suggest you stay off your bicycle for a week.’  

    Did you hear the news headline about the escaped psychic midget? Small Medium at Large.

     Weekly Rants w/e 09 04 2016

    'Fight fire with fire' is my motto --- which is probably why the Fire Brigade sacked me.

    A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde. ‘I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the £55,000 asking price,’ said the man. ‘Yet I just heard you close the deal for £45,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.’ ‘Well what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?’ replied the grinning salesman. Just then the woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys. ‘There you go,’ she said, ‘I told you I would get the dope to reduce it. See you later, Dad.’     

    This bloke tells his new wife that he is already married. His wife says: “I think that’s very small of you.” He replies: “Really I thought it was bigamy.”

    My wife has gone shopping and I’m rather worried. The last thing she said to me was “I’m going to shop till I drop. She’s seven month’s pregnant”

    Apparently the man who first created the wheel was knighted for his invention. He became Sir Cumference.

    What do vultures take with them on a plane when they are going on holiday? Carrion luggage.

    As my father used to say:  ‘Never cry over spilled milk. It could have been whisky.’

    My granddad said he thought that youth these days rely on technology too much. So I unplugged his life support machine.

    EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING! A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump..........

    I recently got the sack from my job as a flea powder. I’m afraid my work wasn’t up to scratch.  


    Weekly Rants w/e 02 04 2016

    A tribute to Ronnie Corbett

    I was lying in bed with my wife last Sunday morning when she called me by her special pet name, a loving and endearing term that only she uses.

     “Hey Shorty,” she said “Would you like to hear the patter of tiny feet?”  Somewhat taken aback, I replied: “Yes, I would.” She said:

    “Good. Run down to the kitchen and get me a glass of water.”  


      Did you hear about the woman with two left feet who was going on holiday? She went to the shoe shop and asked for a pair of flip-flips.

      What do you call a girl who keeps standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette

      As I stood in the park I wondered why the frisby was getting bigger and bigger .. Then it hit me.

       A man asked if I knew how to use a satnav. I told him where to go.

      A man is sitting in a pub, looking very down and clutching his pint. “Why the long face?” the barman asks. “The wife and I tried sexy role play last night, but she stormed out after 30 seconds,” he groaned. “She said I could ask her to be anything…… How was I to know that didn’t include her sister?”

      Q: why do bankers make the best lovers? A: They know the penalties for an early withdrawal.

      One Old Age pensioner said to the other One “I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.”

      What do mathematician mermaids wear? Algae Bras.

      Q: What do you call it when a man brags about his tackle? A: A cock-and-balls story.

      A man goes to the charity fete one day where he spots an attractive lady selling kisses for 50 pence. He pays the money and receives a peck on the cheek. Seeing his disappointment, the woman tells him: ‘For a tenner, I’ll pretend I’m your wife.’ Almost falling over in excitement, he immediately hands over £10 and grabs her. ‘Not today, darling,’ she says, I’ve got a headache.’

      Q: What’s the easiest way to cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? A: Phone them and tell them you can’t come.





    Weekly Rants w/e 26 03 2016

  • What did the blonde say when she found out she as pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

    What did one eye say to the other eye? “Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”

    Why did the blonde move house? She heard that 90% of accidents happen around the house.

    It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same town for all of those years. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a check for $50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a beautiful blonde in her lingerie.  She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full huge breakfast:  Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.  As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a $1 bill in the saucer. 'All this was just too wonderful for words, 'he said, 'but what's the dollar bill for?' 'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him what I should give you.  He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

    My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”   He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

    What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.




    Weekly Rants w/e 12 03 2016

    There’s no way I could be a deep-sea diving instructor. I’m no good under pressure.

    Officer, sternly, to private Smithers: ‘I didn’t see you at camouflage practice last night.’ Private Smithers: ‘Thank you, Sir.’

    A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

    Bloke: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a cross between a corkscrew and a lemon.” The Doctor replies: “Yes, you’re obviously bitter and twisted.”

    When my wife couldn’t buy her favourite fabric softener, she realised she was out of her Comfort Zone.

    What time does Sean Connery normally go to Wimbledon?  Tennish

    Two lorries crashed. One was carrying tortoises, the other terrapins. Police said it was a turtle disaster.

    A girl started working in the chemists shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms. The shop owner tried to re-assure her. He said “My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they’ll ask for an eight ten (small), an Eight Twenty (medium) or an Eight Thirty (large) the word condom is never used. The first day a guy came in and said “Eight Fifty” The girl phoned the owner. He said “Check if he’s a yellow bucket hanging between his legs” “Yes” she said “He’s got one hanging there” The boss said: “Give him £8.50 from the till. He’s the window cleaner!”             

    A man takes his date back to his place, and things soon start to get steamy. ‘Fun Guy,’ she exclaims as she pulls down his boxers. ‘I sure am,’ he smirks. ‘Sorry, it’s not that,’ the woman says. ‘You just reminded me I forgot to buy button mushrooms at the supermarket earlier.’

    Q: ‘What’s the difference between a man and a pregnant woman.?’  A: ‘One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.’

    Patience is a bit like a  toilet roll – the bigger the a***hole you’re dealing with, the quicker it runs out.

    Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down, I can help, first lets make sure he’s dead” There’s a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ”Okay, now what?” 

    Go to above for more stuff



    Weekly Rants w/e 12 03 2016

    Cadzow   M74 Motorway works unearth coins and artefacts of ancient village.

    A "lost" Scottish village has been found after the discovery of coins and artefacts possibly dating back 1,000 years were unearthed during motorway construction works. Archaeologists also found what is believed to be 14th century medieval pottery, gaming pieces and fragments of a clay smoking pipe on the site of the former village of Cadzow in South Lanarkshire. Construction workers made the initial discovery while expanding the M74 and called in  a team of Archaeologists to advise them on how to preserve the site.  The medieval village of Cadzow  was renamed Hamilton in the 15th century in honour of the local lord and the settlement moved south to the town's current location. the remains of two ancient stone structures were also found, which experts believe may have been a religious shrine 1.000 years ago.   As I only stay a short distance from this area I found this story very interesting. What kind of sense of humour did these folk have ?. What did they find funny ?

     Eighty-Year-Old Tom Clark was incensed when he got a letter from the Council informing him that he could no longer keep his allotment. He immediately phoned them and ranted on for about five minutes. When he’d finished the Officer said: “I am sorry, Mr Clark, but you seem to have completely lost the plot!”  

    What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws?  Outlaws are always wanted.

    Mrs. Brown bursts into the vet’s shouting at the surgeon that her budgie isn’t moving. “Mrs. Brown your budgie has gone.” He replied. “I demand a second opinion.” The vet claps his hands and a labrador walks in, looks at the budge and nods it’s head.  “I don’t know what that was about but I want another opinion,” she says. The vet whistles and his moggy enters, sniffs the budgie and nods his head. Mrs. Brown storms out and gets stopped by the receptionist. “That’ll be £240 please.” “Why” she shouts. “It’s £120 for the lab report and £120 for the cat scan!”  

    When I was younger, I had everything handed to me on a plate. Soup was a nightmare.

    A man knocked on my door yesterday and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

    Why do hungry clocks never have the right time? Because they keep going back four seconds.

    Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?  A: ‘A roaming Catholic.’

    Three wives are talking about there respective husbands over lunch. The first one says: ‘I’ve nicknamed mine the Dentist, because he really knows how to handle his drill.’ The second wife smirks: ‘I call mine The Postman, as he never has trouble getting up to make a delivery.’ ‘Well,  I call my man The Miner,’ the third lady giggles. ‘Because he’s always dirty and he’s got a really big shaft!’



    Weekly Rants w/e 05 03 2016




    Have you heard about the bloke who bought an inflatable sex doll, but demanded a refund by saying it had a penis. 

    "No sir" the shop assistant said "You've just got it inside out"

    Did you hear about the novelist who only writes about basements?  He’s hoping for a Best Cellar.

    Q: Which three little words are guaranteed to stop your man drifting off after sex?. A: ‘I’ve had better.’

    The only way to stop smoking is just to stop – no whiffs or butts.

    I got chatting to a lumberjack today in the pub. He seemed like a decent feller.

    My brother worked in the Council Tax office. As one workmate never smiled, they decided to change this one day. A colleague came in to say a woman was asking for him, adding: ‘She said she’s £10 arrears.’ The man went out and screamed with laughter. Before him was a woman with a £5 note sticking out of each ear. He never lived it down.

    I visit Germany a lot. While there, I make a point of going to the duty-free shops. When I return, friends are always pleased to see my holiday Schnapps.

    A wife asked her husband: “Darling, will you still love me when I’m old and overweight?” The hubby replied: “Yes, I do.”

    I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

    An autobiography without punctuation marks is a life sentence.

    If sex is such a natural phenomenon how come there’s so many books and videos on how to do it?

    You’ve cancelled the wedding? I thought you said he was Mr. Right?. He just forgot to tell me his first name was ‘Always’


    Weekly Rants w/e 27 02 2016

    An onion just told me a joke. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

    Three women are talking about their husbands and the nicknames that they have developed for each other over the course of their marriages. The first wife said: “I’ve been with my husband for five years, and I call him Dove, because he’s small peaceful and gentle.” The second wife says: “That’s lovely! I’ve been with my husband for ten years and I call him flamingo, because he’s tall, graceful and slender”.  “Oh how sweet,” the third woman says. “I’ve been with my man for 30 years and I call him thrush, because he’s an irritating b*****d!”

    My wife and I are always falling out on long car journeys. Must get those doors put back on.

    A wife went to a police station with her mate to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said; “He’s 35 years old, 6ft 4in, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 13 stone, is soft spoken and is good to the children. The mate protested: “Your husband is 5ft 4in, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to everybody. The wife replied: “Yes, but who the hell wants him back?”

    What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.

    A toothless woodworm walks into a bar and asks: “Is the bar tender here?”

    Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.” “It’s my eight year old son…” the man replied. “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically. “I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”  “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender. “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

    A priest, a Rabbi and a Vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?."

    A friend of mine told me he was planning to go to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I sad to him, “Don’t be Sicily”.

    A man got called to the hospital because his wife was in labour. When he got there he was greeted by a doctor who told him the baby had already been born and he had some terrible news. The man shouted: “What is it, what’s wrong?” The doctor said: “You wife’s fine but the baby has some complications. This is an extremely rare case, but I’m afraid to tell you that you’re baby is literally just an ear.”  At this point the man is in tears. The doctor then said: “I’m sorry but it gets worse.” The man shouts: “How on earth could it possibly get any worse?” The doctor says: “He’s deaf.”    

    Weekly Rants w/e 20 02 2016

    I never mince my words, which makes it tough when I have to eat them later.

    The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened??  I'll tell you what happened!  I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found?  Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, 
    naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!  his is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done.  I'm leaving forever!  "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here.  Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." 
    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation -   ... she never got your e-mail”!

    Why is Britain the wettest country?  Because the Queen has reigned for so many years.

    A milkman comes across an order for 200 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out with just a bath towel around here. She confirms that she wants the 200 pints. “Milk baths are good for the skin,” the woman explains. “Oh, Right” the milkman replies. “Do you need it pasteurized?” “No,” answers the woman. “Up to my breasts will be fine”

    Tim is at a family party and chatting to his siblings. “I was wondering the other day, what did our parents do for entertainment before the internet was invented?” he muses. His ten brothers and sisters all shrugged their shoulders. None of them could suggest an answer either.

    What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

    A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys noticed his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stood him up to get to his wallet so they could find out where he lives, but he kept falling down. Then he fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they got to his house, he fell down another four times on the way to the door. His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?

    A suspicious husband hired a private detective to check up on the movements of his wife.  He insisted on Video evidence of his wife’s activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video and the pair sat down together to watch it. The video showed his wife and another man dancing in a nightclub and his wife then taking part in raunchy activities with utter abandon.  ‘I just can’t believe this,’ the distraught husband said. The detective replied: ‘Why not?’ It’s right there on the screen.’ The husband replied: ‘I can’t believe my wife could be so much fun!’  

    Sid and Dave are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. Dave dies and Sid doesn’t hear from him for a year.  Then one day he gets a call. Its Dave: ‘So there is an afterlife? What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well I sleep late. I get up, have breakfast. Then I have lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch. Have more sex then take a nap. Dinner more sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day. ‘Brilliant,’ said Sid ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no I’m not in heaven. I’m a rabbit in a field down the road.’   


    Weekly Rants w/e 13 02 2016

    The wife has been missing a week now. The police say to prepare for the worst, so I have been back to the charity shop to get her clothes back.

    Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.  

    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at diner one night. The dad asks his son what he did that day. The son says: ‘I did some schoolwork.’ The robot slaps the son. The son says: ‘OK, OK. I was at my pal’s house watching movies.’ Dad asks: ‘What movie did you see?’ The son says, ‘Toy Story’ The robot slaps the son again. Son says: ‘OK, OK. We were watching mucky movies.’    Dad says: ‘What, at your age I didn’t know what Mucky movies were. The robot slaps the father.  Mum laughs and says: ‘Well he’s certainly your son.‘ The robot slaps the mother.

    A gorilla walks into the Horseshoe bar at Motherwell Cross and orders three pints of lager for himself and two chimps. “That will be £15,” said the barman adding “We don’t get many Gorrillas and Chimps in here.” The Gorilla replied, “I’m not surprised at these prices.” 

    My grandmother is in her 80s, and even now she doesn’t need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.        

    Finding one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Miss Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said: “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied: “Well Miss Smith , you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

    I said to my wife yesterday: “Where have you been?” She said: “Shopping in the sales. I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure.” I looked at her and said: “You’re not bloody joking.”

    Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

    Thieves broke into Aldi last night, but took only one item. Police believe it was stollen.

    Q: Did you hear about the frustrated magician ? A: He pulled his hair out.         

    A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husbands temper. The doctor asks: “What’s the problem?” The woman replies: “Doctor, my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.” The Doc. Says “I have a cure when it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and swish it in your mouth until he calms down.” Two weeks later the woman returns to the surgery and says: “That was a brilliant idea! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doc says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!”                 

    When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like an ordinary man”, he said as he walked up to her. “But in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit £30 million. Impressed the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later she  became his stepmother. 

    Last night I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn’t very happy about it.


    Weekly Rants w/e 26 12 2015

    I walked into my local on Christmas day. The lads were showing off their xmas presents. This bloke said "look at the 'state of the art' breathalyzer I got. It can tell your exact intake of alcohol over the last week." I said "I've got a wife in the house who's been doing that for years."

    A man comes home early to find his wife in bed with a gorgeous hunk    ….   “You unfaithful cow,” he shouts. “I’m leaving you” “Wait, wait hear me out,” his wife begs. “On my way home, this young man asked for a lift. His clothes were falling apart and he was starving. So I took him home and warmed up the meal you left last night because you were in the pub. I gave him you’re jeans, which are too small for you, a shirt I bought you that you didn’t like, and the shoes you won’t wear you prefer old trainers. After he got dressed, I walked him to the door, where he said with tears of gratitude: “Do you have anything else your husband doesn’t use?”                           

    A fed-up husband tells his mate: “I’m going to watch my wedding video backwards again. I love the bit where she takes the ring off, goes back down the isle and jumps in the car and fucks off.”

    Two women who had just met at a health Spa were talking about their lifestyles and how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine. “I eat moderately” The woman replied, “I exercise moderately, and I live moderately.” “Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked. “Oh yes,” she said “I lie extensively”                     

    “I’m feeling nostalgic for the old days,” a man says to his wife. “How about we go out for a posh meal, a few drinks, some dancing and end the night having red hot sex?” “Sounds good to me” his wife grins. “But listen, if you get home before me. Leave the door unlocked so I can get in.”                       

    A man finds his granddad sitting outside in the snow with no trousers on, legs akimbo. “Grandad, what on earth are you doing?” he yells. “You’re willy’s out!” “Last week, I sat out here with no scarf on and got a stiff neck,” he replies. “This was you’re gran’s idea.”                       



    Weekly Rants w/e 21 11 2015

    Back by popular demand.

    A man goes into a charity fete one day where he spots an attractive lady selling kisses for 50 pence. He pays the money and receives a peck on the cheek. Seeing his disappointment, the woman tells him “For a tenner, I’ll pretend I am you’re wife.” Almost falling over in excitement, he immediately hands over £10 and grabs her. “Not today, darling.” She says, pushing him away. “I’ve got a headache.”    

    A farmer in Devon has successfully managed to grow a field of Dildos. Unfortunately he’s also having some trouble with squatters.

    Q: What do you call it when brags about his tackle? A: A cock-and-balls story.

    We're just back from an all Inclusive Mediterranean Cruise holiday. Liz said "We're lousy at counting calories". I replied, patting my belly, "Yes and we've got the figures to prove it".

    A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says "Doctor I think I'm a moth". To which the doctor responds "You think you're a moth, well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like you need a therapist." "Yeah I know" replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist. but I only came in here because I saw the light on."

    Two blokes are in a singles club, discussing a guy sitting at the bar. “I don’t quite get it,” complains the first man. “He’s not good looking and has no fashion sense, yet he always goes home with a beautiful woman.” “It’s not that his chat up lines are any good either,” the second guy agrees. “All he ever does is sit there licking his eyebrows.”   


     Weekly Rants w/e 03 10 2015

    Q: What do you say to a bloke if he asks you if you want a quickie?  A: "As opposed to what?"

    A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes, so that night she does just that. A week later she’s back at the doctor: “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in his potatoes like you said! “Five minutes later he jumped up, raked all the dishes onto the floor, ripped all my clothes off, and ravished me right there!” The doctor said: “Sorry I didn’t realise it was that strong.!”  “That’s okay” she said, “we’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”       


    A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started to walk back towards the car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating: “Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?  Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said: “I don’t wish to interfere with you’re private grief , but this demonstration of pain is more that I’ve ever seen before.” “For whom do you mourn? A child, a Parent? The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied: “My wife’s first husband”


    Q: Why did the chimpanzee put steak on his head?  A: He thought he was a griller.


    Carl meets his mate Phil at the local boozer. Phil has a black eye. "What the hell happened?" Carl asks. "Yesterday, I got into the lift at the multi-storey car park," Phil explains. "Just as the doors were closing, a woman with huge breasts jumped inside. "Would you please press one," she panted. So I did. I don't remember much after that."

    Q: How is arguing over the size of a woman's breasts like choosing between Fosters, Carlsberg or Budweiser? A: Men may state their preferences, but in reality, will just grab whatever is available.



    Q: Why does the blonde look in the mirror with her eyes closed?

    A: To see what she looks like while she's asleep.

    At the breakfast table one morning the bloke with a hangover says to his son "How come all my clothes were neatly folded on the chair this morning and I've got this marvellous fry up breakfast?" "Well" said the son "You were as pissed as a newt last night Dad, and when mum was taking your trousers off to put you to bed you said to her take you’re filthy hands off me I'm married"


    Weekly Rants w/e 26 09 2015

    Q: What did the salmon say when it swam into the wall? A: Dam!

    A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his head out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up and saw a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink and then a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said: "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said: "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"  "No" she replied. "Only the ones who catch my eye."

    Q: Why are husbands like old lawn mowers?  A: They're hard to get started, emit noxious odours and half the time they don't work.


    Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time. The first lady says, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.' Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two ask. The first replies, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' The second lady says, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floeresant orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others ask. The second lady answers, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' The third lady says, 'Well, I aint gonna wear no panties...' 'What? No panties?' the others ask in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first!!


    A Jobbing actor walks into a massage parlour and asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.  The lady replies "Sorry love, we don't do extras."

    A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, no-one took up the bet. 40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?" "Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 Euros.  "Grand, "replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock." It was very close but the last drop was consumed with just 2 seconds to spare. "OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.. "I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?' The Irishman replied, "Well sir, 5,000 Euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

    Q: How did we know the Bible's Adam lived in Paradise ?  A: He had no mother-in-law.


    Weekly Rants w/e 19 09 2015

    A couple desperate to conceive a child went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'll do better than that. I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," He replied, "And while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant and busily attending to two twins. Elated, the priest ask her where her husband was so the he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome to blow that candle out," came the reply. 

    When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's scary how many people bring knives on dates.

    David Cameron has just announced he wants to put a ban on alcohol in the House of Commons. His idea was met with a chorus of booze.


    The marvellous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

    8 year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "Ahh …You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Donald. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Scotland and now my name is Donald". "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. Then his oldest brother beat him. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "My Goodness ….What happened to you, Donald?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming a Scotsman, I was attacked by three fucking Arabs

    If M & M's go to university, do they end up as Smarties? 

    A man has just moved from Dumfries to Inverness and is drowning his sorrows at his new local pub. "Why the long face?" the barman asks, handing him a pint of beer. "My marriage is over," the man replies. "After years of suspecting my wife is having an affair, I finally know it's true." "I'm sorry to hear that" the barman replies. "But tell me -- how can you be sure you're right?"  "Well, put it this way," the man replies. "We've just moved 400 miles but we've still got the same window cleaner."


    Weekly Rants w/e 12 09 2015

    The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

    Q: Did you hear about the guy who took his wife out for a romantic dinner and played footsie with her under the table?  A: He got lasagne, she got toed in the hole.

    Q: What was the very first selfie stick known as ? A: A vibrator

    My wife bought a beautiful ornamental shrub and made me stand next to her to look at it. "Why do I have to keep looking at this shrub?" I asked, as her hand clasped mine and a tear began  to roll down her cheek. "Because I can't face the fuchsia without you!" she said.

    An elderly gentleman has had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who sent him for hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. The man went back to the doctor in a month and the Doc said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the man said: "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times so far!".     

    A GP is examining a woman. "Your heart, lungs and blood pressure are fine," he tells her. "Now, let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all sorts of trouble." The woman starts taking off her knickers, but the GP stops her. "No," he smiles "can you leave these on. Just stick out your tongue."   

    I really like having birthdays, but if you have too many, they can kill you.

    A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then It's too late. 

    Weekly Rants w/e 05 09 2015

    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a motorbike when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage: "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon walked over and the mechanic asked: "So Doc look at this engine. I open it's heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. "So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are basically doing the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and whispered: "Try doing it with the engine still running."       

    A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says: "I need a tooth pulled. No painkiller - I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear"

    Three chat-Up lines women should be wary of: 1) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 2) Is that a ladder in your tights or the stairway to heaven ? 3) Nice legs, what time do they open?

    I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
    One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I
    have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do." Sitting a couple of stools
    down, two men overheard the conversation. One looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:
    "Marry her".

    A pregnant woman is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she ask the doctor about her baby. The doc. replies: "You had twins! A boy and a girl. They're fine and your brother named them." The woman thinks to herself: "Oh no he's an idiot!" Expecting the worse, she ask the doctor: "Well, what's the girls name?" "Denise" the doctor replies. The mother thinks "Not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother." Then she asks: "What's the boy's name?" The doc. replies: "DeNephew."  

    The Italians are going to fix a large clock onto Pisa's leaning tower. They are of the opinion that there is not much point in having the inclination if you haven't got the time.

    Weekly Rants w/e 30 08 2015

    I said "Doctor, can you give me some sleeping pills for my wife?" He said "Why?" I said "She keeps waking up"

    Give a man an inch, and he'll take a mile. Give a woman an inch, and she'll laugh her head off!.

    The most popular sex position for married couples is doggy position -- where the husband begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead. 

    I see thousands turned out for Cilla's funeral -- It would have been a lot more if they hadn't announced that Cliff was going to sing.

    A Woman goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes, so that night, she does just that. A week later, she went back to the doctor, and said: "Doc, the pill you gave me worked great!  I put it in the potatoes and minutes later he jumped up, raked all the dishes onto the floor, ripped my clothes off, and ravaged me on the table. The doctor said: "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the pill was that strong! We will pay for any damages. "Nah," she said, "That's OK. We're never going back to that restaurant again."      

    A husband and his wife are light-heartedly comparing notes one day. "I have a higher IQ than you," she says, "and I got higher grades in my degree. And, actually, I even make more money than you!". "Yes, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead of you" her husband replies. "How do you work that out?" she asks, looking mystified.  "I married better than you," he replies.   

    I should learn to mind my own business. I was walking down the street the other day and could hear a group of youngsters on the other side of the fence shouting "13! 13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a gap in the wood, so I looked through tom see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then all the kids started shouting: "14! 14! 14! 14!"

    A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father may I ask you a favour?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It's unopened but well over the customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Could you carry it for me? Hide it under you're robes perhaps?. "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face Father, no one will question you." When they got to customs she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare?" The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what have you to declare from your waist down to the floor?. I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to this date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please."


    Weekly Rants w/e 22 08 2015

    A few weeks ago I did a Sunday night Stand Up Spot at the Three Sisters venue through at the Edinburgh Festival. There must have been an audience of around 150 and my stuff went down an absolute treat.

    Two guys are chatting in a bar. "My wife keeps hinting about the sexy gift she wants," say one. "She says it begins with D and ends in O, and vibrates in a pleasing way." "Blimey," the second guy gasps. "Where on earth are you going to find a Didgeridoo?"

    Standing at the bar the other night when a really ugly woman grabbed my arse and said "Would you like my number"? I asked "Do you have a pen"? she said "Yes" . I said "Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices your missing"!

    Q: "What do you have to do if you're asked to write an advertising slogan for Viagra?" A: "Think long and hard"

    Viagra is now available in powder form to put in your tea. It doesn't enhance you performance, but it stops your biscuits going soft.   

    I was walking through the mall in Portland and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore. I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

    I spelt Armagaddon wrong but it's not the end of the world.

    Q: "What do you call a magician on a plane"? A: "A flying sorcerer!"

    Q: "What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob"? A: "We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!" 

    I went into the bedroom last night and tripped over my wife's bra. Then she said it was just a booby trap.

    A man was excitedly telling his pal that he had just made a Parachute jump. So his friend asked what he had done to startle it. 

    I told my wife she had the memory of a goldfish. She was fuming for three seconds.

    Weekly Rants w/e 15 08 2015

    Last Sunday night I did a Stand Up Spot at the Three Sisters venue through at the Edinburgh Festival. There must have been an audience of around 150 and my stuff went down an absolute treat.

    Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon. An elderly chap being interviewed said, he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with: "That will be ten quid, mate". "What?!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!" Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way, with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!

    I said to this chap: 'I've got a dog that sings' 'Husky is it?' He asked 'No, only when it's got a cold'

    Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...

    A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related…

    Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's
    outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she's not
    for him...

    I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, ‘A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the
    best way to announce number 69…

    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He
    calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick.” Murphy asks "Ave
    yer got vertigo?” Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...


    Weekly Rants w/e 18 07 2015

    If you're struggling with the crossword, 7 up is lemonade.

    An employee goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says the employee “I knew I could count on you!”

    Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a  toilet pan have in common? A: Men always miss them.


    The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
    nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand
    up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough........


    Have you heard about the farmer who gave who gave his chickens whisky? He said he hoped they would lay scotch eggs.

    A man went into a pub where he noticed two bulls' heads on the wall. He said to the barman 'That's a bit unusual for a pub.' The barman replied 'I used to be a Matador and that one on the left threw me all round the ring, but I got him in the end. And the one on the right killed my brother.' 'Was he a Matador too?. asked the man. 'No,' said the barman. 'He was playing dominoes on that table when it fell on his head.'

    Angela Merkel has today announced that the new 50 Euro note has to be printed on Greece proof paper.

    What do you call a sleepwalking nun ?    A roamin' catholic.                                                                                       


    Weekly Rants w/e 03 07 2015

    A woman is sitting outside the changing room of a department store, waiting for her husband. 'I hate shopping with him,' she tells an assistant. 'He always takes ages, trying on every size and colour.' 'At least he takes an interest in his clothes,' the assistant smiles. 'He's not buying clothes,' scoffs the woman. 'He's buying condoms!'

    Ian overhears his wife talking to her mate in another room. 'I love this one,' she giggles. 'I hate that one. And that one makes me cry.' 'Are you going through your DVDs again, darling?' he asks her. 'No' she replies. 'I'm showing off my vibrators'.      

    At the urinals, Nick notices his pal Jim is wearing a watch on his willy .... 'What's that for?' he asks. 'Oh' Jim says, 'I tells me when it's time for sex.' 'Really? how?' Nick asks. 'That's easy,' Jim says. 'The strap gets tighter.'   

    Have you heard the one about the chef who boiled up a hyena? He made himself a right laughing stock.

    Q: Did you hear about the guy who had three dicks? A: He had sex left, right and centre.

    My missus said she wanted to share our bed with a sexy athletic man. I started going to the gym with a trainer, then one night I came home , got into bed, and there he was with my wife. 

    Q: What's the best kind of job for someone who can't stop masturbating ? A A handyman. 

    A woman has an appointment to see her gynaecologist. 'Just a few general health questions to start with,' the doctor begins. 'Tell me, do you smoke after sex?' 'I don't know,' the woman shrugs. 'I've never looked.' 

    Why did I get divorced?. Well, last week it was my birthday. My wife didn't with me a happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me happy birthday. As i entered my office my secretary said: 'Happy Birthday Boss' I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her flat. We went there and she said : 'Do you mind if I go into the bedroom a minute?' 'OK' I said She came out five minutes later with a cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling Happy Birthday. While I was sitting on the sofa, naked. 

    Weekly Rants w/e 27 06 2015

    Excited that his wife had just given birth, Dick decides to go down to his local newspaper office to place an announcement. Handing the advertisement to the clerk, he says: 'I'm so happy and proud to be a father, I just want the whole town to know.' 'Many congratulations, sir,' the clerk smiles. 'How many insertions?' 'Oh, hundreds,' the man replies. 'But the last one finally worked.'     

    Q: What do you call it when all the men at a strip show become aroused at the same time ? A: A general erection.

     Why did I get divorced?. Well last week it was my birthday. My wife didn't with me a happy Birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me happy birthday. As i entered my office my secretary said: 'Happy Birthday Boss' I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her flat. We went there and she said : 'Do you mind if I go into the bedroom a minute?' 'OK' I said She came out five minutes later wth a ckae, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues all yelling Happy Birthday. While I was sitting on the sofa, naked. 

    Me and the wife took my son to that new zoo in Glasgow the other day, it only had a dog in it, it was a shitzoo!

    I spent all day yesterday making a belt out of old watch straps, what a waist of time that was!

    My wife said to me: 'The only reason you've started going to the gym is so you can find a nice young girl' I said: 'I've found one, the only reason I'm going to the gym is so I can catch her.' 

    A guy goes to his GP and says: 'Doctor, you've got to help me. I just can't stop having sex!' 'Well, how often do you have it?' the Doc asks. 'Twice a day,' he replies 'I have sex with my wife twice a day!'   'That's not that much says the Doc. 'But that's not all', says the bloke 'Twice a day I have sex with my secretary - twice a day.' 'Well that is a bit much' says the doctor. 'Yes, but that's not all, Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute - Twice a day. 'Well that is definitely too much', says the doc. 'You've got to take yourself in hand.' 'I do' says the bloke. 'twice a day.'     


    Weekly Rants w/e 13 06 2015

    A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says: 'I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.' The man leans out with a glint in his eye says: 'I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married.' 'Why not' giggles the woman. 'good' he replies. 'Get you're own f***ing blanket'  

    My friend and I have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. I won.

    My mate said his sex life has improved drastically since his wife took up Yoga. It's not because of her ability get into different positions. It's because when she's at Yoga class, he's bedding her sister.

    At the time of metrication, I went to my local timber Yard for some two x one battening, but was chastised by the foreman who said I should know it was now called '50mm x 25mm' 'OK' I said how much is it 'Shilling a foot,' he replied.

    You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.   

    My wife was getting ready for a night out. Smiling in front of the mirror, she said: 'Look at this it still fits me. I first wore it 25 years ago'. I said 'It's a scarf'

    I decided to make my computer password 'incorrect' because if I type it in wrongly, my computer will remind me 'your password is incorrect'  


    Weekly Rants w/e 22 05 2015

    My mate was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on. The bloke in the wig had the last laugh, though. He sentenced him to three and a half years.


    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine  the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

    "Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Bob." The entire congregation held its breath.

     "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."


    When my wife came home early unexpectedly, I was so terrified she'd discover my cross-dressing secret, I was shaking in her boots.   

    A bloke approached a girl in a bar and offers to buy her a drink. 'No thank you,' the girl replies. 'Alcohol is bad for my legs'   'Why, do the swell?' 'No' she said 'They spread'


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

    Gallagher just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night. "What about my sex life?" asked the patient. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

    I was recently asked in a survey which I preferred: satnav or a map? I replied: 'I don't really want to go down that road'

    I was at the State Bar Gong Show last Saturday night. It was brilliant. I did a full 5 minutes without any red cards a great night. Also, I'm on the Stand Comedy Club Woodlands Road Glasgow  2nd June 8.30

    A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"
    Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So, they walked past it again.


    Weekly Rants w/e 16 05 2015

    A newspaper photographer was scheduled to meet a plane on the runway to take him on a job.  'Let's go' said the photographer climbing into the first plane he saw on the runway. The pilot said 'will do' and was soon in the air. 'OK' said the photographer, 'fly low over the trees over there. I want to take a few pictures.' 'What do you mean?' asked the pilot. The photographer looked at the pilot and answered, a little annoyed: 'I need to take some pictures for my newspaper so please.....' There was along pause before the pilot answered in a shaky voice: 'You mean, you're not my flying instructor?.' 

    An old couple were arguing furiously one day. 'I don't know why I married you,' said the old woman. She continued 'Six other men proposed to me you know.' 'Six other men?' her husband retorted. 'You should have married the first idiot who asked you.' 'I did,' said the wife. 'The other six proposed afterwards.'  

    A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"! The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

    I've had an awful year so far. First, I had to dump my lovely girlfriend because she suddenly put on two stone. Now she's asking me for child maintenance.

    A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls." The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

    A young couple who are madly in love have finally set a date for their dream summer wedding. One evening the frisky bride to be cuddles up to her fiance. 'Darling' she whispers in his ear. 'You know I want to fulfil a fantasy of mine to make love before getting married. Well, could we now. 'But it's not long until June, Darling,' the cautious groom replies. 'Oh' the future wife smirks. 'Well, how much longer does it get in June?'


    Weekly Rants w/e 09 05 2015

    In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:
    They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.
    She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. This keeps them off his face during the
    ceremony. A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a s*xy and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle. As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them. The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons. This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. . . The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok. I bet you never knew this.

    A teacher asked little Johnny what he wanted to be when he left school. "I want to be a policeman and follow in my father's footsteps" he said. "I didn't know your dad was a policeman" said the teacher. "He's not" replied Johnny "He's a burglar"

    A man walks into a pub and the Landlord turns to him and says: 'What would you like to drink pal?'  'Double whisky' the man replies. 'That'll be £3,' says the Landlord. 'No,' says the man. 'you asked me what I wanted.' 'Out,' says the Landlord, 'And don't come back.' A week later the man comes back in and the Landlord says to him: 'I told you you to come back in here, you wouldn't pay for your drink.' 'I've never been in here before,' says the man. The Landlord replies: 'You must have a double.' 'Yes,' says the man. 'Make it a whisky.'


    A man and his wife walk into a hotel, a pretty blonde taps the bloke on the shoulder and says: “Hello, darling, what are you doing here?” The bloke quickly ushers his wife into a lift. Inside she demands: “Who was that woman?” “Don’t you think I’m going to be in enough trouble trying to explain you to her.” he replies.

    A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch by Q and I was just testing it. "The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me", he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

    Q:- What's the difference between party decorations and a pair of knickers ? A:- The decorations are taken down after the fun's been had.

    A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. In the bed, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two she was expecting to see. She reaches for a baseball bat and proceeds to hit the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says: 'Hi darling, your parents have come to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?'

    Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

    Friends are like a pair of knickers. Some crawl up your backside. Some snap under pressure. Some get a bit twisted. Some you love. Some are cheap. And some cover your ass when you need them to.

    Weekly Rants w/e 18 04 2015

     A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds,
    so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."  The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the  trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
     there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."
    The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
    younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your
    diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did  you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.

    Three buddies die in a car crash and they find themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks them all : 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?' The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was a great family man' The second guy says:- 'I would like to hear them say I was a great teacher who made a huge difference to the youths' intellect' The third guy replied:- 'I would like to hear them to say LOOK HE'S MOVING'     

    A chaste Australian woman wants to wed a guy who's never had sex with another woman. After years of searching she takes out an Ad and meets a guy who has lived his whole live in the Australian outback and has no experience of women. On her wedding night she goes to the bathroom to prepare. But, when she returns to the bedroom her new husband is standing in the middle of the room, naked with all the furniture piled in the corner. 'What's happened?' she asks. 'I've never been with a woman.' he says 'but, if it's anything like a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!.'  

    Did you know it takes the human body a full 24 hours to turn food into human waste? My missus can achieve this in 20 minutes in the kitchen.

    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

    I recently bought a high-tech smart surround-sound system for my TV. It is so crisp, clear and unbelievable life like. My neighbours now think I have the most incredible sex life and can speak eight different languages.

        I was watching some adult films with the missus and she complained:- 'This is so unrealistic' I said 'Just because you're unwilling to try new things doesn't mean everyone's that frigid' 'It's not that' she explained 'It's just that the plumbers that come to our house are much more well endowed'

    While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

    Weekly Rants w/e 11 04 2015


    A new pub has just opened next to my house and i decided to call in for a pint. The barman said:- 'We have a special offer on at the moment of £7 for two pints or you can have a pitcher for a tenner' I said:- 'I'll just have the beer please. I don't like having my picture taken.

    I believe in reincarnation, so I've written my will and left everything to myself.

    Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
    she got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches long. then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! we need the bloody height, and she gives us the length!!..


    Two blokes are talking about their wives. 'Last night my wife and her friend went to see an erotic movie' one guy says. 'I hit the sack early but was awakened to see my wife standing there with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. 'This movie has given her some kinky ideas, I thought to myself. Then she said to me:- 'Here, you forgot to walk the dogs'

    A man is drowning his sorrows at his local bar. 'Why the long face?' the barman asks. 'Well' the man explains, 'I took a sneaky look at my girlfriend's internet browsing history last night. I was shocked to see her last search was how to enjoy sex with a boring guy who's got a small penis. I just hope she's cheating on me!'

    Sid and Alf are born with physical defects. Sid has one enormous ear and Alf has one enormous eye. They both agree to join the Navy and are used in the crow's nest. Following weeks at sea, Alf sees a dot on the horizon of the ocean and shouts. 'Spanish man of war on the starboard bow.' The Captain, obviously hugely impressed with his long range sight, asks how he knows the ship is Spanish. Alf replies that Sid confirmed it as he heard the crew speaking.

    I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"


    Two policemen call the station on the radio. "Hello. Is that you Sarge?” "Yes?” "We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.” "Have you arrested the woman?” "No sir. The floor is still wet."

    For weekly rant backdates go to



    Weekly Rants w/e 04 04 2015

    My mate Mick has always been the type to get stressed out over the slightest thing. But today he was very laid back and I said: 'You look very relaxed for once' 'It's because I'm paying £1000 a week to a guy to do all my worrying for me' 'One thousand pounds!' 'How are you going to afford that?' 'Don't know, that'll be his problem'

    I looked at the eclipse through a colander. Now I think I've strained my eyes.


    A child asks his father 'Where do people come from ?' 'Adam and Eve made babies, and their babies became adults and so on' The child's Mum butted in and tells him:- 'We were monkeys then we evolved to become humans like we are just now' The lad says to his Dad: 'You lied' but the Dad replied: 'No, your mum was talking about her side of the family' 

    A man drinks a lot of whisky every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quite. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whisky. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings out the fishing bate box. She says:- 'I want you to see this. She puts a worm in the water and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whisky and it dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:- 'What do you have to say about this experiment?' He replies 'If I drink whisky, I won't get worms'       

    So David Cameron says for the last 4 years he's been doing the work of two men. Who's that then? Laurel and Hardy?

    Some racehorses are chatting in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. 'In the last 15 races, I've won eight out on them. Another horse breaks in. 'Well in the past 27 races, I've won 19" 'That's good but in the last 36 races, I've won 28.' Says another. At this point they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. 'I don't mean to boast,' says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races I've won 88 of them!' The horses are clearly amazed. 'Wow' says one. 'A talking dog.'     

    I've read that graffiti's in decline. The writing was on the wall.

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.  "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."


    Weekly Rants w/e 28 03 2015


    I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor
    balcony shaking a carpet.
    I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"


    Sophie came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother: 'Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.' 'Then why are you so sad?' her mother asked. 'Because he told me he was an Atheist, Mum. He doesn't even believe there is a Hell.' Her mother replied: 'Marry anyway pet' 'Between the two of us, I'm sure we can show him just how wrong he is.'

    If it wasn't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with complete strangers.

    On a rainy evening, Mike offers his friend Bill a ride on his motorbike. Mike suggests that Bill puts his coat back to front, with the collar up to stop the rain getting in. On the road, they go over a bump and Bill falls off. By the time Mike has stopped and turned round, there is a group of people standing round Bill, who's lying on the road. 'is he okay?' asks Mike. 'He was' replied one of the onlookers. 'Until we turned his head the right way round.'

    Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer. ‘Just Control – P’ I said ‘Haven’t been able to do that for years’ he said. 

    Two guys are chatting at the bar when the conversation turns to what name they give their manhood. 'Mine is called Hide and Seek,' the first guy says, 'Because ready or not, here it comes.' 'My dick is called Tarantula,' the second guy claims. 'When women see it they scream and say. 'It's huge'   'I've seen yours', the barman interrupts laughing. 'I'd call it The Weekend -- because it's too damn short to satisfy anyone.' 

    My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!" She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.

    After fifteen years of marriage, my wife's developed a very particular way of smiling. Rarely.

    A husband and a wife somehow manage to get stuck together while making love. They can't separate from each other no matter how much they struggle. The husband manages to call an ambulance. 'We'll have to take you both to hospital,' the paramedic says. 'Can't you just throw a bucket of water over us?' The wife pleads. 'It always works for dogs.' 

    A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and £5,000. He approaches his wife and asks: 'What are the eggs for?' She replies: 'Well, every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box' He says: 'That's all right, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?' The wife replies: 'Every time I get a dozen eggs, I sell them.'

    Q: What's the best way for a man to help a woman achieve the perfect orgasm?  A: Buy new batteries for her vibrator.

    Weekly Rants w/e 21 03 2015

    My mate somehow got a vacuum cleaner stuck up his bum yesterday. I called the doctor to see how he was today and the doctor said he was picking up nicely.

    A man goes to see an optician, who tells him: 'You have to stop masturbating.' 'Why?' Am I going blind?' the guy asks in panic. 'No' the optician replies. 'You're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.'

    Q:- What do women and police cars have in common. ? A:- They make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming.

    My mate rang me and asked: 'What are you doing right now?' I said: 'Probably failing my driving test.'

    A senior citizen was heard to say: 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be on The Isle of Wight.' When asked why, he replied: 'I'd rather be on The Isle of Wight because over there everything happens 20 years after the rest of the world.'   

    I just entered a contest and won a year's supply of Marmite. One jar.

    I regret going out for a dinosaur curry last night. Woke this morning with a megasoreass.

    My wife and I were very happy -- then we met.

    My wife dresses to kill -- and she cooks the same way.

    A man was waking up from an anaesthetic after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes opened and he said: 'You're beautiful' Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never before heard him call her that before so she stayed on. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open again and he said: 'You're nice' Annoyed she asked,: 'Nice' What happened to beautiful?' He replied: 'The anaesthetic is wearing off!'

    The human jawbone of the first known human found in Ethiopia has been confirmed a female and not male. When asked how could they be so sure, a spokesman said: 'It was open'

    for back dates go to above

    Weekly Rants w/e 14 03 2015

    A couple of weeks ago I was on at the State Bar, Charing Cross doing my stand up comedy. If the audience's reception /applause was anything to go by I was absolutely brilliant.  I am also booked into the Stand Comedy Club in Woodlands Road on the 2nd June at 8.30 pm start. You newspaper folk in my distribution list should get themselves along there to see a future 'stand up' star. 

    Four pals are all set to go on their annual St. Andrews day golfing trip when Jack's wife say's she has got something else planned for him. But when the other three get there Jack is already at the bar with four drinks set up. 'How did you talk your wife into letting you go?' they ask. Jack replies 'Last night my wife came to me in a see-through nightie and pulled me into the bedroom. 'By the bed was a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. On the bed there were handcuffs and ropes. She slipped off her nightie, lay down and said 'tie me to the bed and do anything you want' 'So, here I am'    

    Seemingly, this joke of mine was published in the Herald a couple of weeks ago. ' I asked a woman sitting next to me on a flight. 'Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good looking men?' 'Yes' she said. 'but I wasn't willing to pay.'

    A mum goes out for the afternoon while her husband stays at home to look after their three-year-old, Emily. The dad is sitting watching TV when Emily brings him a cup of tea, which is actually just cold water. After he has several cups and praises Emily for her tea-making skills, the man's wife arrives home. 'Watch what our daughter has been doing!' he says proudly. Sure enough Emily brings another cup of tea. The mum watches in amusement as he gulps it down, while he thanks his daughter for a lovely drink. 'Did it ever occur to you,' his wife smirks, 'That the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'  

    A good speech should be like a woman's skirt ----- short enough to arouse interest, but long enough to cover the essentials

     A man who has reached the grand old age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Vicar went to see him.  He found him in excellent health, so the Vicar asked: 'How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?' The old man lowered his voice. 'I'll tell you Vicar' he whispered ' When I got to 90 I expected God to take me any day. But when I got to 95, then 100, then 105.' 'So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me ---- and I don't want to remind him!' 

    A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks it up and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The man thinks for a moment and says, 'I want to live for ever' 'Sorry' says the genie, 'I am not allowed to grant, eternal life.' 'OK, I want to die after a Labour Government balances the budget, generates a surplus and eliminates the National Debt. 'You crafty toerag,' says the Genie.  

    Just before the funeral of Bill’s wife Martha, the funeral directors are carrying her coffin from the house. On the way out they bump the coffin against a wall and a faint moan comes from inside. Astonishingly Martha is still alive and later goes on to live another 10 years. Martha passes away again and as she is being carried from her home in the coffin Bill shouts at the funeral directors “Watch the wall this time!”

    Weekly Rants w/e 07 02 2015

    'Insomnia is very common.' Said the doctor to his patient. He continued. 'Try not to lose any sleep over it.'

    You should never laugh at your wif'e's choices  ----  you were one of them.

    Q: How do you change a dishwasher into a snowplough? A: Give her a shovel.


    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady   who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an
    attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he
    had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the
    farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, ER, happen to get up in
    the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found
    out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
    'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 'She just died and left me everything.' And you thought the ending would be different,

    Dave was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Greg, the host, began every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her, Honey, my love, daring, and Sweetheart. Dave told Greg: 'That's really nice, after all these years that you have been married you keep calling your wife these pet names.' Greg hung his head and whispered: 'To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.'

    Dave is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Steve walks in, sits down, and asks him what the problem is. 'Well' said Dave, 'I was asked one of those awkward questions woman ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home.' 'What question?' asks Steve. 'My wife asks me If I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly.' 'That's easy' said Steve 'You just say 'Of course I will' 'Yeah' said Dave that's what I meant to say, except I said. 'Of course I do.'  

    A carpet fitter had finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped outside for a smoke only to realise he'd had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. 'No sense in pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes.' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flatten out the bump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. 'Here' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. I found the in the hallway. Now If only I could find my sweet little hamster.'

    I took a buckled wheel to a shop to be repaired. On close examination, and with the shake of a hand, the man in the shop quoted me £30 to repair the wheel. 'That seems very expensive.' I said. 'Are you the owner?' 'No' he replied, as he continued to look at the wheel. 'I am just the spokesman'  

    Weekly Rants w/e 28 02 2015

    Q: What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills.? A: Bernadette

    My mate is getting married and having the reception at McDonalds. It will be his very last Happy Meal.

    A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams blue murder, losses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops inches away from a shop window. For a moment everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says: 'Look mate don't ever do that again. 'You scared the living daylights out of me' The passenger apologises and says: 'I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much'  The driver replies: 'Sorry it's not really your fault. 'Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'  

    My aunt and uncle have have made an absolute fortune from selling mint chops. They're minted.

    Jack, 92, and Jill,89, are planning their wedding. Passing a chemist shop. Jack suggests they go in. He asks the chemist: 'Do you sell heart medication?' The pharmacist replies: 'Yes we do' Jack then asks: 'How about medication for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'Sure do'  Jack: 'How about rheumatism?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds' Jack: 'What about pills for memory loss, arthritis and Alzheimer's?' Pharmacist: 'The works'. Jack: 'Incontinence pants?' Pharmacist: 'Sure'. Jack: 'Then we would like to use this store for our wedding present list'     

    My wife spent hours in the bathroom getting ready to go out. When the door finally swung open she said: 'do I look fat in this?' I replied 'Yes love .... but to be fair, It's only a small bathroom'

    'A Cyclops and a unicorn   --   now that's an accident waiting to happen.'

    I asked a woman sitting next to me on a flight. 'Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good looking men?' 'Yes' she said. 'but I wasn't willing to pay.'

    Q: 'Why are men like clocks?'  A: Because their hands are always moving over our figures.

    The police are collecting statements on a street where a crime had been committed, and knocked on a couple's door. 'Excuse me sir but can you tell me where you were at 8.05 last night?' 'Funny you should ask,' the man smirks. 'I took my wife upstairs at 8.00 to make love.' 'That's true' his wife shouts over his shoulder. 'But I couldn't tell you where he was at five past eight.'   


    Weekly Rants w/e 21 02 2015

    Two women are having a chat about their sex lives ...'I think birth control pills should be for men,' the first woman argues. 'It makes way more sense to unload a gun rather than shoot at bullet proof vest.' 

    Q: What stands stiff, proud and brightens up our lives at night? A: A lamppost

    SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW. 'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!' This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. After all, it is ONLY A SIGN. You may say 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?' Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR. (WHO SAID SCOTTISH UNDERTAKERS HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)

    Harlow Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi- automatic rifles. with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers... 2 tons of heroin, £25 million in forged notes and a ring of 25 prostitutes on a housing estate behind Harlow Public Library. Harlow folks were stunned. A community leader said: "We is well shocked." “We never knew we had a library in Harlow”

    Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of Guppy love.

    God, my kids are running around the house making a hell of a noise. They're shouting things like : 'We're bloody freezing ..... let us in!' 

    I've just got a new job in a factory that makes chess pieces and it's going extremely well. I've been put on Knights next week.

    One evening a husband is feeling rather aroused while watching TV with his wife. 'Hey you' she whispers seductively in his ear. 'Why don't we try a different position tonight' 'I was hoping you'd say that' his wife smiles, rubbing her hand up and down his thigh. 'You can go and stand at the ironing board while I'll stay on the sofa and fall asleep.'

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
    The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.


    Weekly Rants w/e 14 02 2015

    Jane and Anne are chatting. 'It's been a while since a man spent the night with me' Jane moans 'Don't worry', Anne replied. 'You should just enjoy living life without any complications.' 'It's not that I'm worried about.' Jane explains. 'I didn't wear earrings for a long time and eventually the holes closed.'

    Q:- Why are men like chocolate bars? A:- They usually head straight to your hips.

    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing. Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

    I was in an elevator the other day when a very attractive curvy woman got in. I was staring at her boobs when she said to me: 'Would you please press one' So I did. I really don't remember anything after that.

    I got a new car delivered yesterday complete with an airbag and a spoiler. In other words her mother and her sister.

    My wife came home from work furious. ‘You’ll never believe this. I have to sleep with my boss or I’m getting the sack’ she says. Remembering her boss from the Christmas party being a hot blonde woman, I was turned on by the idea. ‘Why don’t you propose a threesome, that way it won’t be full lesbian sex.’ She phoned her boss then said ‘My boss has agreed, we’re doing it tonight.’ I said ‘great what time will she get here?’ ‘She’ll be here at seven’ she replied, ‘and Craig will arrive shortly after’   

    Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them. They said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right.
    We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

     Mike and Jim, who is newly retired, are enjoying a       Thursday afternoon pint in the pub. Mike turns to Jim and ask: ‘So now you’re retired, do you still have a job or a hobby?’ ‘Yes, actually, I am my wife’s sexual adviser.’ Somewhat shocked, Mike asks; ‘I beg your pardon …. But what do you do?’    ‘It’s simple, says Jim. ‘My wife has told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she’ll ask me for it.’

      For previous weekly rants go to site below 



    Weekly Rants w/e 07 02 2015

    A married couple work in the meteorologists named their twin daughters Raine and Storm. They also had a son whom they called Sunny. A few years later, another son, Cloud was born. Storm and Rain were delighted to have a baby brother, but Sunny wasn't quite as enthusiastic, as he felt Cloud would Eclipse him. 

    The best anagram ever    MOTHER-IN-LAW       WOMAN HITLER

    'When I was younger almost every girl I took home to meet my parents my mother didn't like her, not even one.' Then one day I met a girl in the pub who looked remarkably like a younger version of my mother. So confidently I took her home to see my parents. But my Dad didn't like her. 

    The bloke next door popped in and had a proposition for me. He asked if I wanted to try a wife swap. 'I'm not sure' I replied 'Will I get her back?' 'Of course mate!' he laughed 'no then' I replied.

    What's got 22 legs and three teeth? The front row of a Cliff Richard concert.

    A Little girl asked her dad how the human race started He answered: 'God made Adam and Eve, they had children so all mankind was was made' Two days later the little girl asked her mum the same question. She answered: many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused little girl returned to her dad and said: 'Dad, how is it possible you told me that the human race was created by God and mum said they evolved from monkeys?' The Dad answered: 'It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'

    Somebody ripped the centre pages out of my dictionary today. Now it just goes from bad to worse.

    My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday' That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

    A fellow I know had keyhole surgery for lockjaw.

    An elderly women went to her doctor's surgery and said to her G.P. 'I'd like some birth control pills' Taken aback the
     doctor thought for a moment and then tactfully said: 'Excuse me, Mrs Smith, but you're 80 years old. What would you
     possibly need birth control pills for?' The woman said: 'They help me sleep better' The puzzled doctor said 'How in
     the world do birth pills make you sleep?' The woman said: 'I put them in my granddaughters orange juice, and I sleep a
     lot better at night'

    Weekly Rants w/e 24 01 2015

    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth, give me an Amen.

    Life is like a penis, simple, relaxed and hanging free. It's woman who make it hard.

    With all the advances in technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. Afterwards I went to visit her at home. 'May I see the new baby?' I asked. 'Not yet' she said. 'We can talk for a while first.' Thirty minutes later I asked: 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, no, not yet.' she said. After a further few minutes I asked again and was repeatedly told 'Not yet' Growing impatient, I asked 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'When he cries!' she told me. I asked 'Why do we have to wait until he cries?' 'Because I forget where I put him' was the reply.  

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
    sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
    be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the... germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
    most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
    for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake'

    The secret to life is to take everything with a pinch of salt, a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

    After a check up a doctor asked his patient 'Is there anything you would like to discus?' 'Well' said the patient 'I was thinking about having a vasectomy.' The Doc replied 'That's a big decision. Have you talked it over with you're family?' 'Yes, they are in favour with it 15 to 2.'    

    My wife Dorothy is leaving me because of my obsession with morse code. I begged her "Please don't dash Dot!"

    Weekly Rants w/e 17 01 2015

    I dream of becoming a selfie photographer. I can just picture myself doing it.

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
    Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    The problem isn't that obesity runs in my family. The problem is that nobody runs in my family.

    I went to the fridge the other day, took out a handful of ice cubes and stuffed them straight down my wife's bra. I told her it was that chest freezer she's always wanted.

    Two guys are chatting about their weekend in town. 'I got arrested and thrown into a police cell,' the first guy admits. 'You got arrested? ' the second guy gasps. 'What did you do?' 'Well..' 'The first bloke begins. 'I got very drunk at the local nightclub. 'On my way home I started feeling randy and thought I'd try my luck with my wife when I got in. 'When I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear. I crept upstairs very quietly. It wasn't until I got to the top of the stairs I realised I was on the night bus.'    

    Q : What's the connection between having a cough and making love? A : They can both begin with a little tickle.

    The world's most elusive criminal, nicknamed 'The Fly' has been cornered in an old warehouse. The police have arranged to send in a 'Swat Team'.

    A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman winks and blows the husband a kiss. 'I met her last week' explains the husband. 'Professionally of course.' The wife replies ; 'Which profession? Yours or hers?' 

    Weekly Rants w/e 10 01 2015

    I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the All Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today. I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my fucking car had been stolen.

    I went to my gym instructor and asked him: 'There is this girl I really want to date and I therefore want to impress her. What machine would you suggest I use?' 'The cash machine at the door, mate' he replied.

    Comic Jim Davidson turned up at the Morecambe and Wise tribute show the other night. Jim went to the drinks reception after the show. He was approached by a pair of rather excited -- looking older ladies. They scuttled up to him and one aid: 'We think you're famous and on the telly, and we've seen you on the News recently, but we simply can't remember your name. The comic went from looking rather pleased to a little crestfallen. He then smiled broadly, offering him his hand and said: 'Hello, I'm Freddie Star.'  

    Wife: 'I look fat. Can you give me a complement?' Husband: 'You have perfect eyesight.'

    Q: Why did the helicopter pilot fit a larger fuel tank to his aircraft?  A: So he could keep his chopper up for longer.

    A pharmacist walks into his shop one day to find a man leaning against the wall. 'What's wrong with him?' he whispers to his sales assistant. 'Well he came in and asked for some cough syrup,' the assistant replies. 'But I couldn't find any so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative.' 'You idiot' the chemist snaps. 'You can't treat a cough with laxative.' 'Of course you can,' the girl behind the counter smiles. 'Look at him ... he daren't cough now!.'   

    A mother goes to her daughter's flat to give it a clean while she's at college. She decides to have a little snoop through her drawers and finds an enormous cucumber. So she phones her husband at once... 'I found a cucumber in our Jane's dresser!' she whoops in delight. 'I'm so relieved she's still getting her vegetables.'   

    On New Year's Eve, Jane stood up in the local pub and said that at the stroke of midnight she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who has made his life worth living. It was really embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.   

    A workmate stood rubbing his hands together saying: 'Well, this time tomorrow I'll be on that plane.' 'Oh, are you going anywhere nice?' I asked. 'No' he replied. 'I'm taking half an inch off my back door!'  

    For as long as I can remember I have had amnesia.

    Weekly Rants w/e 27 12 2014

    I have just opened the last of my Christmas presents. Imagine my younger sister, Muriel, buying me an 'Air pressure foot pump' I don't even have a 'blow--up doll.'

    Two lovers arrive at a mountain lodge for a romantic winter break. The place is cold, so the guy goes outside to chop wood for the fire. When he gets back, he says: 'Honey my hands are frozen!' 'Well' she replies, suggestively, 'Why don't you put them here between my thighs? That will warm them up.' After lunch, he goes back out for more firewood, and again, comes back in with cold hands. Again her lover puts them between her legs. After dinner, he goes out one more time, to chop enough wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says: 'Honey my hands are really, really freezing!' 'For crying out loud.' she replies. 'Don't your ears ever get cold?          

        Q:- 'What the first snowman say to the second snowman?' A:- 'Do 'you smell carrots?'

    This man falls from a plane and as he is plummeting down, this other man is on his way up. The man on his way down asks the man going up; 'Do you know anything about parachutes?' 'No' replies the man going up, and then ask the man coming down; 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'

    "What's a couple?" I asked my mum one day. She replied "Two or three" Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. 

    A man walks into a pub, orders a whisky, looks into his top shirt pocket and orders another whisky. After he finishes, he does the same thing again. The curious barman asks why. The man replies: 'I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.'   

    This Christmas I'm putting a real Norwegian tree in the living room. I thought it might spruce things up a bit.

    My wife tried on a new dress today and asked: 'Does my bum look big in this?' I replied: 'Your bum my dear is the same size a mouse.' She smiled and said to me: 'Really?' I said: 'Yes dear -- a hippopota ... mouse.'

    I feel quite lucky in that my wife is always doing me sexual favours. My favourite one is when she clears off out to bingo, so the next door neighbour can come round.


    Weekly Rants w/e 20 12 2014

    What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

    When I first left school I was planning a career in haematology but all that was in vein.

    Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?   A: He had 'no body' to go with.


    “ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I‘d got the biggest willy she’d ever laid her hands on” I said “You’re pulling my leg”

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."
    "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
    This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

    Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
     "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.

    Q:' What do you call a lady with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon?' A: Siesta Rantzen.  

    Q: Why doesn't father Christmas have any children? A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's normally down the chimney.

    Q: What's the difference between a Christmas tree and a man ? A: A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on.

    Q: Why are woman's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? A: Because they were originally meant for children but the father always wants to play with them.

    My car was iced over this morning. My next door neighbour Mr. Kipling has a wicked sense of humour.

    My wife said "Say something dirty to me." "The dishes" I replied. 

    For all my comedy stuff go to

    Weekly Rants w/e 13 12 2014

    Q: Why are men like coffee? A: The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

    A Diocese has been waiting more than two years for a new Bishop to be installed. Long time no see.

    When a woman buys a vibrator, it's just seen as a bit of naughty fun. But when a bloke orders an electronic blow-up latex doll with a built in orgasm-scream sound system, he's called a pervert. 

    An old lady is visiting the museum asks the Curator: "How old is that Dinosaur skeleton?" "It's ten million years, three months, and two days old." he answered. "How can you be so precise?" she asked. "Well it was ten million years old when I started working here," the curator replied, "And I've been here two months and two days."

    An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anaesthic, he asked if he could speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do you're best," the man replied. "And just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife".        

    Two guys are chatting at the bar. "I've just been reading my wife's magazine", the first guy admits. "Apparently, according to scientists, sperm helps hair grow." "That explains why some guys have hairy hands." His pal jokes. "Hmmm" the first guy continues "you've got me wondering about my Nan's moustache now.!"  

    I went to the surgery the other day and said to the Medic: "Doctor, Doctor, I have received some rather distressing news. The young man who lives who lives over the road from me has been told by his doctor that he doesn't have long to live" "Oh dear" Said the Doc. "What is the nature of his illness?" "Oh, he's not ill." I explained "But the doctor found out he's been bedding his wife."

    I went to a really emotional wedding at the weekend. The Bride cried, the Bride's mother also cried, even the cake was in tiers.

    Q: "Where do chimps get get their gossip?"  A: "On the ape vine"

    A woman books an appointment to see her GP. "Doctor, help me" she cries "I'm pregnant and I think Santa Clause is the father!" "Now calm down" the doctor soothes. "I happen to know that when Santa has sex, he always uses condoms." !I know." the woman replies. "But he keeps them next next to some holly"


    Weekly Rants w/e 06 12 2014

    Glasgow nicknames *The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers. *The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
    roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do
    it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on
    the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it. Number
    2 guy say "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home
    admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't
    believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning
    for either sex or golf" and she said "Take a sweater".

    A professor is explaining his new theory about sex.... "The more you have, the happier you are," he says. He points to a member of the audience who has a big grin on his face. "You, sir," he says "How often do you have sex?. "Once a year" the man replies .  "Once a year" the professor frowns. "Then how is it you look so happy?" "Ahh" the man smiles. "Tonight is the night"

    "I'm never playing scrabble with my wife again", a man tells his pal. "Why's that?" his friend asks. "She keeps making up words while winking at me," he replies. "What the hell does foreplay mean anyway".

    "Oh no, I'm not always right," said the woman to her husband. She continued "I once said you were better than nothing."

    My mother in law is coming for tea and expects her food cooked the way she used to. Where do I find a cauldron?.

    A man was walking past the local newspaper office when, suddenly, a person in a suit dashed out and hit him on the head with a rolled up newspaper. "Oh, why did you do that for?" asked the man. "I'm the editor" comes the reply. 

    Q:- An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa Clause are walking along a street when they find a £50 note lying on the pavement. Which one picks it up?. A:- The intelligent woman --- The other two don't exist.

    I went to the library today and asked for a book on manners' The librarian said "We haven't got any, now fuck off!! "

    An old map of Britain. It's interesting to look over Lanarkshire area.

    Weekly Rants w/e 29 11 2014

    Last Saturday night we were at the State Bar at Charing Cross. I did a 10/15 minute stand up slot and it was tremendous. The audience were in an uproar at my stuff. I started off with the below

    When I was around 10 years old my mother took me to the doctors and complained that my penis was too small. After examining me the doctor said “Feed him pancakes” The next morning there was a huge pile of pancakes on the table. “Wow mum” I said “Are they all for me?” “Only take two” mum replied “The rest are for you’re father”

    When the restaurant waiter asked if there was anything he could get me from the bar, I said:- "Yes, my husband."

    I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 65-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too
    bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of vodkas, and she
    asked if I'd ever had a 'Sportsman's Double'? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother & daughter threesome,' she said.
    I said, 'No, I haven't', as my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. We
    drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked
    in... She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Hey still awake?"

    A husband isn't satisfied with his wife's behaviour so he sends his mother-in-law a text. Your product is not matching my requirements, it says. Shortly afterwards he gets one back from her ...... Warranty has expired. The manufacturer if not responsibly  for any faults after the seal is broken. 

    "You seem to be suffering from low self-esteem," says the Psychiatrist to his patient. He continued. "It's very common among losers."

    A man left work one Friday afternoon but instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending all his wages.  When he finally got  home on  the Sunday night he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and asked:- "How would you feel if you feel if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied "That would be fine with me" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough for him to catch a glimpse of her out the corner of his left eye.   


    Sex is like a petrol station. Sometimes you get a full service. Sometimes you have to ask for a service. And sometimes you have to be happy with self-service!

    Weekly Rants w/e 22 11 2014

    A husband and wife are on the sofa watching late-night TV. "I'm feeling horny" she purrs in his ear. "Do you want to go upstairs?" "Yes I do," her
    husband smiles, jumping off his seat. "Great," she says. "Can you throw me down my vibrator while you're up there."

    "I want to get home early tonight" said the bloke in the pub. He continued. "My wife's got laryngitis and I don't want to miss a minute of it."

    One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey
    bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says "Could you taste
    this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The
    doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

    My wife keeps complaining that I never buy her flowers "I didn't even know she sold them!!!"

    A husband and wife are sitting up in bed reading, When the wife looks over at him and starts a discussion....
    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you
    remarry? "HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (Makes
    audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." WIFE: "Would you sleep
    with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND "That would
    seem the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use
    my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: Silence.... HUSBAND: "Shit..." 

    Ladies:- If you want a man to leave you alone at the bar don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care. Tell him you have a penis.


    The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have terminal cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a champagne.' After 3 or 4 champagnes, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more champagnes. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?' 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'


    Weekly Rants w/e 15 11 2014

    Two men are strolling down a street when they see a stray dog liking it's own testicles. One of the men turns to the other and says: "I wish I could do that!" His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly and replies: "I should say! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

    Several days ago, I left a meeting and desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick look around the meeting room revealed nothing. I then realised I mast have left them in the car, so i headed for car park in panic. My husband had scolded me many times for leaving the car keys in the ignition. My theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them; his theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park, I came to the terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The car park was empty.   I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I'd left the keys in the car and said it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Hello, my love," I stammered (I always call him 'my love' at times like that). "I left my keys in the car and It's been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, then I heard him bark: "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said: "Well come and get me." He retorted: "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I haven't stolen your damn car."            

    A history teacher was discussing the Charge of the Light Brigade with her students. She put the date on the black board -- Wednesday October 25th, 1854. "Please miss said one little lad. "Why did the General wait until nearly 7 o'clock at night to charge?" 

    Q:- What happened to the cheque that a busty woman hid in her bra for safekeeping? A:- It bounced.

    A woman goes to see her doctor as she is exhausted all the time. "How many times a week do you have sex?" he asks her. "Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," the woman yawns. "Why don't you try cutting out making love on a Wednesday?" the doc suggests. "Absolutely not" the woman snaps, looking horrified. "That's the only night I'm with my husband."

    "I left my wife because of another woman" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It was her mother. I couldn't stand her."

    A man is working in the garden while his wife is up in the bathroom getting undressed. But he can't find the rake, so he yells up: "Where's the rake sweetheart?" His wife can't hear his. So the man points to his eye, then to his knee and then makes a raking motion. His wife still can't work out what he means. So the man repeats the gesture, saying out loud: "eye -need-the rake." His wife then signals her reply. First she points to her eye, then to her left breast , then to her backside and finally to her groin. Now the man doesn't understand. Frustrated he heads up to the bathroom. "What were you saying" he asks. "It's obvious," his wife replies. "Eye - left' it - behind - the bush."  

    Brureaucracy -- the reason beer prices are so high

    The wife of a plastic surgeon told him: "I hate my nose -- I want a new one for my birthday." He sighed: "Sorry, you know that's not possible -- it would violate my code of keeping my work separate from family life." Angered by this, his wife shouted: "In other words, you're saying I should keep my nose out of your business."   

    I went to see the doctor and said to her: "Doctor, doctor, as you can see I have a black eye." "So who have you been upsetting now?" she asked. "Big Ray down the pub," I said "He's got a bit of a temper on him so everybody takes care not to upset him."  "But you see doctor, he's got a cyst on his neck and he's very touchy about it." "Nobody dares mention it or at least they didn't until I made some comments about it last night." "Serves you right ," said the doc, "For making Ray Cist remarks."


    Weekly Rants w/e 08 11 2014

    Teacher asks class, "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend"? Little Johnny raises his hand and says " yes miss, it's Trudy Glenn"
    "No Johnny" said the teacher, "it's maid Marion" she continued, "But miss, what about the song??" " Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn"!!!!!!

    A woman is marrying for the fourth time. "Helen, how am I going to tell my new husband I'm still a virgin?" she asks her friend anxiously. "What, You've already had three husbands," Helen replies, astonished. "Surely you can't be?" "Well," the woman explains, "my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it." "My second husband was a construction worker and he always said was he would do it tomorrow."  "And my third husband was a gynaecologist -- all he ever did was look at it." "This time I'm marrying a lawyer -- so I know I'm definitely going to get screwed."   

    Q- Did you hear about the guy who took an overdose of Viagra? A- It was one of the hardest day's of his life.

    Two guys are chatting at the bar. "I'm going out with a musician," Bill tells his friend Harry. "Last night, I was lying in bed and felt her fingers move up and down my body like she was playing the piano." "Well, you know what you need to do next," Harry quips. "Tell her to learn the trombone."

    A boss is forced to cut back on staff and has narrowed it down to one of two employees, Jack or Jill. He watches them carefully to see who it will be. Jack comes in early, works hard, skips lunch and does overtime. But Jill comes in late, has an extra long coffee break, leaves early for lunch and stays out until 3pm. The boss's mind is made up. He calls Jill into his office and begins: "I'm afraid I have to either lay you or Jack off." "Well" Jill says, "you'll have to jack off, because I've a headache!"  

    I see that Steak 'n' Kidney is back at the Pavilion this weekend for the 40th time. It reminds me of the following joke. Two guys who are facing the firing squad were allowed one last request. "I'd like to hear Sidney Devine singing Tiny Bubbles," said the first bloke. And the second fellow said: "Shoot me first."

    I was stuck in the waiting room for 20 minutes at the Orchard Medical Centre in Motherwell on Monday as five local ladies discussed the menopause. "You're awfy quiet!" one cackled. "I'm just marvelling at your long memories," I muttered. Nah, listen, I actually congratulated one girl who came out with an Oscar Wilde style line. "Menopause?" she sighed. "Everything that's bad for women starts with 'men'....."  

    My wife's sex drive has gone gone up a gear, and as a result the weight is just falling off me. She's out that often meeting blokes, she's no time to cook my dinner.

    Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door ? He wanted to win the no bell prize.

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
    The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
    The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
    SLIM TALL 38D BREASTS 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ!".

    Weekly Rants w/e 01 11 2014

    "I've just got one of those small greyhound type dogs, but I can't get it to obey me. Any suggestions?" "Whippet" "That's a bit drastic, isn't it?"

     I went to see a psychic woman the other day. She said to me: "I can see you're going to be very busy in the bedroom department." "Blimey," I replied "That's wonderful to hear." "Yes" she said. " It is good news. You're getting a job at Ikea."  

    I went to the doctor and said to her: "Doctor, I have become a compulsive liar. In fact, it's so bad that I lie at every possible opportunity." The doctor said "Is that so?" I replied: "No." 

    Q- Why did the man cancel his appointment at the impotence clinic? A- Something came up.

    Two old women have been sitting waiting on a bus for ages. "That's it" one finally huffs. "I've sat here so long, my bum's fallen asleep." "Yes I know," says the other woman. "I heard it snoring." 

    I call my toilet Jim -- that way it sounds better when I say I go to my Jim every morning.

    I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, doctor, I, I, am, am, saying, saying, every, every, word, word, twice, twice. He said "Take this, it should help." "What, what, is, is, it, it?" He said "It's a repeat prescription."

    I was ice skating the other day just minding my own business when I noticed a "large" girl kept giving me the eye. Eventually she came over. "Hi there, I'm a bit shy, I'm not very good at breaking the ice," she laughed. I asked "Have you tried jumping?"  

    A student takes a girl to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she orders all the expensive items - caviar, lobster, and champagne. Finally, he says:- "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "No" she replies, "but my mother isn't hoping to get laid afterwards." 

    Q- How do you know when a girl's knickers have been manufactured in the States? A- One good yank and they're off !

    Beware of the erectus trouserius, or trouser snake. Fangless, it measures up to nine inches, depending on the honesty of its owner. And its spit can cause swelling that lasts nine months.    

    A man, prone to telling the odd fib, is out of money and thirsty. So he goes into a pub and tells everyone his wife has just given birth to a boy weighing 20lbs. He is promptly showered with congratulations and free drinks. Two weeks later, he returns to the same pub,. "Hey,"  the barman says, "You're the father of that huge baby - how much does weigh now?" "Er,15lbs," he replies. "15?" the barman replies, suspiciously.  "But you said he weighed 20 lbs at birth!" The man takes a sip of his beer, and says "We had him circumcised."

    Q- Why did bald man cut holes in his pockets? A- So he could run his fingers through his hair. !

    My 17-year old son brought his new girlfriend home last night. After having a nice meal they headed off to the bedroom holding hands. My wife looked at me and said: "I hope this one lasts" I said: "No chance, he'll be just like his brother....Five minutes max."


    Weekly Rants w/e 25 10 2014

    "We had a power cut last night and lost the TV, PC and games consol, so I had to talk to my family." Says the bloke in the pub, he continued. "They seem like nice people."

    A man goes to a fortune teller to learn his fate. She takes his hand and studies it intently. "I see you've been masturbating", she informs him. "Wow, you're good," the man replies, clearly impressed. "Can you tell me anything about my future?" The fortune teller looks closely at his face, then says:- "You'll be doing it for a kong time."  

    A guy admits to his pal he doesn't know what an erogenous zone is. "Well," his mate says, "does your girlfriend have anything that sends her crazy when you touch it?" "Yes" his friend replies. "Her purse"

    Q:- What's the connection between light and hard?     A:- A man can't get to sleep with either of them on.

    My wife suggested using some toys in the bedroom to spice things up s bit. I thought it was a great idea, but she's been very ungrateful. It took me over two hours to set up that Scalextric set.

    I came home from work early to find my wife without any clothes on. "What are you doing?" I said. "Erm.. I thought we could have a bit of fun," she replied. "Let's play naked hide and seek." "You're on!" I said, stripping as I ran upstairs. "I'll hide first!" I went into our bedroom and opened the wardrobe door. To my surprise, my best pal Dave was sitting there in the nude. "I'm really sorry mate," he said. "Don't worry Dave," I replied , "I can hide under the bed!."   

    On their honeymoon, the husband told his bride; "I have a confession to make that I should have made before but I was concerned that it might effect our relationship." "What is it?" the new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I'll be out on the course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win. His new bride pondered on this and said: "Thank you for your honesty. I should tell you I've concealed something about my own past -- I'm a hooker. "No problem" said the new hubby. "Just widen your stance, overlap your grip and it should clear up." 

    A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' for dinner for the first time. As they eat she starts to feel uncomfortable, thanks to her nervousness and the sprout casserole. Left with no choice, she lets out a dainty little fart. Before she has a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's dad looks at the dog snoozing at the woman's feet and says sternly: "Ginger!" The woman thinks "This is great!" and a few minutes later she lets out a much louder, longer fart. The dad again yells: "Dammit, Ginger!" A few minutes later she lets another one rip. Again, the father looks at the dog with disgust and yells loudly: "Dammit Ginger, get away from her before she sh*ts on you"   

    Weekly Rants w/e 11 10 2014

    A man sees a pretty woman in a bar and decides to charm her. "I'd like to tell you a gag about my willy," he says. "But it's too long." "What a coincidence," she replies. "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina. But you won't get it!"

    Q :- When does a greengrocer become a bluegrocer ?  A :- When he replaces the signs advertising "apples" and "bananas" with one saying "juicy melons" and "massive plums."

    Worried that their sex life had gone stale, a husband and wife decide to buy a water bed to try and spice things up. It does them no good though -- they just start drifting apart.

    The police came tae ma door and told me ma dugs were chasing people on bikes. Ma dugs don't even huv bikes.

    A woman is chatting to her pal. "Last night, my husband went out and got us a takeaway," she said. "Then he poured us some wine and placed candles everywhere." "Sounds romantic," her friend winks. "No" the woman admits. "He just hadn't paid the electricity bill."

    Police attend the home of an astronomer after a woman is heard shouting angrily. "He invited me over to look through his telescope," the woman explains to the officer. "But then the dirty so-and-so exposed himself." "Forgive me officer -- I'm a little hard of hearing," the man explains. "I asked the young lady if there was anything she'd like to look at. I didn't realise she said Venus."

    A man is off work with a very sore throat. Hearing the ice-cream van, he dashes outside to buy one, thinking it will soothe his pain. His voice barely audible, he asks for a large cornet. "strawberry syrup?" the vendor asks. "Thanks" the man groans "Chocolate flake?"  says the vendor. "Please" the man squeaks. "Crushed nuts?" he continues. "No" the man replies. "Throat infection!" 

    On a warm summers night, a young man walks his date home. Trying his luck, he leans with his hand on the wall and says to her: "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?" "Oh no" she replies. "My parents might see us" "Come on" he persists, "who's going to see us at this hour?" "No, please -- I would be so embarrassed if someone saw us." They carry on in this way for the next five minutes until the porch light goes on and the girls sister appears in her pyjamas. In a sleep voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and kiss him. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. Just tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"   

    Weekly Rants w/e 04 10 2014

    A loud pounding on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man gets up and answers to a stranger who asks him for a push. "No chance" says the husband slamming the door in his face. "Who was that?" asks his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers. "Honestly, it's 3am and pouring of rain out there." "You should be ashamed of yourself,"   his wife retorts "Don't you remember about three months ago, when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? "You should go and help him." Sighing, the man does as he is told, pulls on his coat and ventures out into the pouring rain. "Hello" he calls out into the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please" comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls. "Over here, of course," the drunk replies. "Sitting on the swing.".  

    A bloke goes into the pub. "It's a miracle" he says to his friend Ted. "My todger has doubled in length overnight." "How did that happen?" Ted asks. "Well," the man replies, "my new girlfriend's the church bell ringer."  

    Fred has gone to the doctor's for a check up. While he's lying on the examination table, the doctor runs through a few questions. "How is you libido?" she asks Fred. "My what?"  he replies. "Your libido?" the doctor repeats. "Do you feel like having sex?" "Yeah sure," Fred grins "with a twinkle in his eye. but we'll have to make it a quickie because my wife is waiting in the car".

    A university lecturer walks into his class to find someone had drawn a penis on the blackboard. Unimpressed, he asks who was responsible for the prank, but it's met by silence. So he rubs it off and gets on with the lecture. the following day, he walks into the class and finds an even larger penis had been drawn on the board. Underneath it is written: The more you rub it, the bigger it gets. 

    Two woman are in a pub watching a rugby match. As the game gets underway, they become engrossed. "Great tackle!" the first woman shouts. "Yeah" the second woman adds. "He's got a nice bum too!"

    Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable. Beautiful. Cute. Delightful. Elegant. Fashionable. Gorgeous and Hot." Wife: "What about "IJK?" Husband: "I'm Just Kidding"

    A young woman brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After an elaborate dinner, the the father invites the young man out for a drink. "So what are your plans?" asks the father. The young man says "I am a scholar and God will provide for us." "And the children?" asks the father. "How will you support them?" "Don't worry sir God will provide." Later the mother asks "How did it go?" The father replies "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I am God." 

    Weekly Rants w/e 26 09 2014

     "A compulsive lying disorder," says the doctor to one of his patients. He continued "I find that hard to believe!"

    "I'm not being condescending, Jenkins," said the boss to one of his men, "But I'm just too busy thinking about more important things you wouldn't understand." 

    I used to work for a company that that made food blenders, but it went into liquidation.

    A young woman goes to church to confess and says: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. Last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times." The priest thinks about this long and hand, then says. "Take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, add two teaspoons of salt and drink it"  "Will this cleanse my soul for my sins?" "No" the priest says. "But it will wipe the smile off your face."  

    I replaced our double bed with a trampoline, but forgot to tell the wife. She nearly hit the roof.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He is not breathing. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He says to the operator "I think my friend is dead!. What will I do? The operator says "I can help. First let's make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"    

    As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head was saying: "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying: "Howard, you are a veterinarian."  

    "You were right when you said if I continued to smoke I could lose my sense of taste." Says the bloke to the doctor. He continued. "I've started to wear brightly coloured shirts, flared trousers and sandals."  

    "My short 'attention span' really irritates me." says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "But luckily, not for too long."

    Two women are chatting. "I call my lover Champagne," the first woman says. "Because he's so classy." "I call mine whisky," her friend quips. "He's the best liquor I've ever had"


    Weekly Rants w/e 13 09 2014

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible!... SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. SYLVIA: So, what happened?
    WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died! SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

    A man is telling his fiancée about the wedding ring he's ordered. "I couldn't remember your size," he says, "So I told them to make it the same circumference as my penis." "Oh," his fiancée replies. "In that case, I'll have to wear it on my little pinkie" 

    Two village idiots hire a boat and go out fishing. They catch enough fish to fill the boat so set off back to the pier. On the way one says: "Did you mark where we were fishing?" "Yes," says the other. "I put a cross on the side of the boat pointing down. "Oh no" says the other. "We might not get the same boat the next time we go fishing."    

    A High Court judge was driving home from his golf club after five or six double gin and tonics. He was pulled over by the police and breathalysed.  When the machine barely registered an amber light, the police let him go -- at which point he drove back to the golf club and demanded the head barman be fired for watering down the drinks.

    Amy and Lucy were helping out on their uncle's Market Garden. Lucy said "I've been flashing my boobs at the tomatoes so they turn red" "Has it worked?" asked Amy "No, but the cucumbers are enormous" replied Lucy. 

    Paul and his wife Sue are going to a fancy-dress party as Batman and Catwoman. On the night, Sue has a migraine and tells her hubby to go alone. But after a rest, she feels much better and decides to she'll catch up with him. At the party, Sue spots Batman and feeling amorous, whispers in his ear. Still in costume they sneak off and have sex. After, Sue slips away. When Paul gets home, Sue asks him knowingly if he had fun at the party. "I didn't go in the end," Paul replies, "But I heard the guy I lent my Batman costume to had a great time"    

    Two women are getting changed after a game of tennis. One of them puts on a pair of boxers and a Celtic shirt. "When did you start wearing those?" the other one asks: "Since my husband found them on the back seat of our car and I had to pretend they were mine."

    Wife: "Whenever I get cross with you, I just go and clean the loo"  Husband: "How does that help?"  Wife: "I use your toothbrush"

    Weekly Rants w/e 06 09 2014

    I was sorry to hear about Joan Rivers becoming unwell. She was a comical genies. Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who has no dress sense.  My face has been tucked in more times than a bed sheet at the Holiday Inn.

    A groom is out on has stag night and he says to his best man: "I'll  be wearing a kilt at my wedding." The best man says: "Aye, what's the tartan?" "Oh she'll be in white."

    A man walks into the chemist's shop and asked the assistant if she could give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reached out and slapped the man's face, thwack! "Ouch! what the **** did you do that for?" asked the man, rubbing his reddening cheek. "Well" said the assistant, "You don't have the hiccups any more, do you?" The man replies "No .. but my wife out in the car still does"   

    When I was young I decided to go to study Medicine. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect. Those who answered spine are doctors today, while the rest of us are sending jokes via email...

    I got sacked working as one of the tour guides in the Vatican City. As I was talking about the Pope, we turned a corner and I said: "Ah, speak of the devil."

    I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard Steps coming from upstairs. I don't know who was playing the CD, but I didn't hang around to find out.

    I went to the pub last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs." She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    An impotent bus driver is prescribed Viagra. So he and his wife go to bed, where he rises to the occasion three times. He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead she seems rather sad. "Your job is taking over every aspect of you life," she moans. "Even sex is like the bus service. Nothing for ages and then three come along at once."

    Just a reminder of the Motherwell Civic Comedy Night that I'm in, on the 19th September at 8 pm: Line up features Ayrshire born Billy Kirkwood, one of the UK's most watchable and versatile acts, and the busiest man in comedy. Julia Sutherland, former BBC producer and one of Glasgow Comedy Festival's regulars will also make an appearance. Plus Scottish Comedian of the Year semi-finalist Gary Meikle, and the thoroughly entertaining John Park. As always, our comedy night will be hosted by the fantastic, straight-talking Pat Rolink.


    Weekly rant w/e 30 08 2014

    There's a promising new rock group in town just now. They're called 999 Megabytes. Trouble is, they haven't got a gig yet.

    What kind of bees make milk ? Boo-bees.

    I was visiting my daughter last week when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, dad," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here ... use my I pad. I can tell you something. That fly never knew what hit it. 

    Just a reminder of the Motherwell Civic Comedy Night that I'm in, on the 19th September at 8 pm: Line up features Ayrshire born Billy Kirkwood, one of the UK's most watchable and versatile acts, and the busiest man in comedy. Julia Sutherland, former BBC producer and one of Glasgow Comedy Festival's regulars will also make an appearance. Plus Scottish Comedian of the Year semi-finalist Gary Meikle, and the thoroughly entertaining John Park. As always, our comedy night will be hosted by the fantastic, straight-talking Pat Rolink.

    Police attend the home of an amateur astronomer after a woman is heard shouting angrily. "He invited me over to look through his telescope," the woman explains to the officer. "But then the dirty so-and-so exposed himself." "Forgive me, officer -- I'm a little hard of hearing," the man explains. "I asked the young lady if there was anything she'd like to look at. I didn't realise she said Venus"    

    "Don't you think 'G-Spot' would make a fantastic name for a strip club.' a husband jokes to his wife. "Hmm, I doubt if it would be very busy," the wife replies. "Most guys wouldn't be able to find it." 

    Needing a restful weekend retreat, my wife and I settled on a stay in a monastery. Coming down for breakfast, we were surprised to see the Abbot enjoying a full Enlist, with all the trimmings. It was good to see food come out of the frying pan and into the friar. 

    A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighbourhood. "How many time a week do you have sex with your wife?" "Three times" Jeff says without hesitation.  "That's once more that your neighbour," the enquirer said, writing it down. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all she's my wife." 

    A traffic light goes to the doctors. The doctor says: "What's the problem?" The traffic light says: "I go red, then amber, then red then amber all day. What's wrong with me?" The doctor asks: "Do you ever go green?" The traffic light says: "No" The doctor says; "That's the problem -- you've 'no-go' in you"   

    A mate of mine worked in shops for ten years, then he joined the police. I asked him if he liked it. He said the hours were odd, the pay was good, but what he liked best was that the customer was always wrong.

    Weekly rant w/e 23 08 2014

    We are just back from a nine day holiday in Tenerife. One night we were in a karaoke bar called News Cafe. The Emcee, Dave the 'Rev' was bragging about, how after 20 years he had never been asked for a song that he didn't have music for. At the break I told him about the time Liz and me went to see Engelbert Humperdinck. He butted in saying he had every song that came out his mouth. I told him he got a standing ovation for  'I belong to Glasgow' by Will Fyffe. He stood agog, not knowing what to say.

    What do you call rewards given by prostitutes to regular clients? Bone us points.

    Tom is charged with indecent exposure in a supermarket and pleads mitigating circumstances. 'The checkout girl said: "strip facing me!'  he explains. "I didn't realise she was talking about my credit card?" 

    Tim Vine's has won the top Fringe joke again. "I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust"

    I bought a puppy from the local blacksmith a few days ago. Once I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.

    Did you hear about the two fleas that met on Robinson Crusoe ? One flew off and said: "I'll see you on Friday"

    I just haven't been the same since my wife left me. I used to be a right miserable swine!.   

    I met my wife at a strip club. She wasn't very happy about it.

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group a group therapy session with three young mothers and there children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter candy." He turned to the second mum. "Your obsession is money. Again it manifests in your child's name , Penny" at that point the third mother got up took her little boy by the hand and said: "Come on Dick, lets get out of here"     

    Be nice to your kids, because they'll pick your rest home.

    Two men are catching up over a pint. "My wife and I went on holiday to Corfu last week," the first man explains. "I didn't know where to look when she decided to take her top off. She said that seeing her breasts dangle freely made her feel liberated." "Well" his friend replies, "I suppose it's not unusual to want to relax and let go a bit when you're abroad in a hot country" "I don't doubt it," the first man admits. "But this was on the way to the airport."   

    Weekly rant w/e 02 08 2014

    Why do men and women go to nudist camps?.  To air their differences.


    It was the happiest day of my life. As I entered the church my wife was already waiting by the alter. I walked up to her, smiled, kissed her on the cheek and closed the f*****g lid.

    "The tart next door is flaunting her breasts sunbathing," I said to my wife. She replied: "You've been up that ladder for half an hour now, that's enough."

    After a day of lying around, the willy said to the balls: "Shall we do something as I'm starting to get bored" "So what do you have in mind?" the balls asked. Five minutes pass while the willy has a think., then says: "Shall we go into that great place where we had so much fun last time?" "No!" the balls fired back. "Why not" the willy asks. "Well,"  the balls reply, "while you were inside enjoying yourself, I had to hang around outside."  

    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked: "Son can you tell where the post office is? The little boy replied: "Just go down this this street and turn to your right" The man thanked the boy kindly and said: "I'm the new Pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday and I'll show you how to get to Heaven" The little boy replied with a chuckle: "You're kidding me, right.? You don't even know the way to the Post Office." 

    A woman arrives home after a day at the shops. "I've bought some sexy new bras, darling," she winks at her husband. "How much were they?" he asks. "About £60," the lady replies "What" her husband snaps. "I'd have held them up for free"

    A hooker says: "Are you done yet?" A girlfriend says: "Oh, you're done already. And a wife says; "Blue, I think you should paint the ceiling blue"

    Jane and Clare are chatting. "I've never understood why people say grow some balls" Jane protests. "They're so weak and sensitive." "They should say grow a vagina," Clare replies. "Those things really do take a pounding.".

    Zoo keepers at London Zoo discovered that one of their chameleons seemed to be hyperactive. Playing pop music seemed to be a solution --- anything by Boy George produced a calmer chameleon.

    Weekly rant w/e 26 07 2014

    A bloke is so indecisive he's had to give up his job as as a painter and decorator. He could never decide which paint or brush to use so he ended up on a roller-coaster of emulsions.

    Q: What do you call a dog with no tongue? A: Smelly bollocks.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus ...

    a man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.

    A man goes to his bank manager for advice. "How do I start up a small business?" he asks. "Easy" replies the bank manager, "Buy a large business and wait."  

    An elderly gentleman man finds his wife doing a handstand naked against the bedroom wall. "I know you can't get it up any more" she explains, "so I thought maybe you could drop it in instead."

    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the stupidest kid in the world. Let me prove it to you." The barber puts a £5 note in one hand and and two 50 pence pieces in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the coins and leaves!. "What did I tell you?" says the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later when the customer leaves the shop, he sees the same young boy coming out of the sweet shop. "Hey, son! I have a question for you. Why did you take the coins instead of the note?" Munching on his sweets, the boy replies, "Because the day I take the fiver the game is over!".      

    I read this in the paper the other day "Ronnie Wood describing his old friend Rod Stewart as 'tighter than two coats of paint' "

    for weekly rant backdates go to

    John Park Motherwell

    Weekly rant w/e 19 07 2014

    Henry: "My wife made me a very odd diner last night -- toad in the hole." Paul: "What's so odd about that?" Henry: "She used real toads" Paul: "Well count yourself lucky she didn't make spotted dick for desert"

    "My first husband had his faults" says the first lady to her friend. She continued "But at least he knew how to fake an orgasm."


    Man: "Help! a bee has stung me on the penis" Doctor "What do you want me to do?" Man "Give me something to keep the swelling!"

    New mums Sharon and Karen are admiring each other's babies. "I'm naming my new baby after where she was conceived." Karen smiles, "Paris" "If I used your logic," Sharon replies, "I'd have to call mine Ford Focus."

    Two senior citizens are chatting, "Isn't our language odd," one begins. "Take the word shag, for instance. To some people it's a sea bird To others it's a strong tobacco. To people like us, it's a fond memory!" 

    A nurse runs into the GP's surgery and screams: "The man you gave a clean bill of health to has dropped dead leaving the medical centre" The doctor replies: "Turn him around and make it look as if he was on the way in"

    A man and  his wife are out on the golf course. Just after teeing off, a wasp stings the lady on the arm. She's in great pain , so her husband takes her back to the clubhouse and finds the first-aider. "Whereabouts did the wasp sting you, madam?" "Between the first and the second hole," the woman whimpers. "I see," the first-aider replies. "In future, it might be better if you wear thicker trousers."    

     A bloke applies for a job as a handyman. At the interview he is asked: "can you do joinery?" "Afraid not," he replies. "What about electrics?" "No I can't do that either" "Well, what about gardening?" "No, sorry" "Well, what makes you think you are handy?" "Well, I only live round the corner"

    John Park Motherwell

    Weekly rant w/e 12 07 2014

    Last Saturday night Liz and I went to comedy show at Jongleurs in Glasgow. The Emcee was a Bruce Devlin. He was pretty good and started picking on couples in the front row. Bruce said to the first couple "How long have you been together?" Seven year was the reply. Bruce replied "Did you hear about the bloke who lost his virginity at 17 when he got married. He found it again 7 years later" The next couple answered 21 years "Bruce replied "That relates to 3 terms of 7 years of bad luck" Then got to Liz and I with the question "How long have you two been together?" I replied "About 2 hours, I met her on the train on the way here" The full place was in a hilarious uproar.    


    This lady went to the doctors beaten black and blue. When asked by the doctor what happened she replied "Every time

    my husband comes in from the pub he beats me into pulp" "I've got the solution to that" said the doc. "Every time your hubby

    comes home drunk take a mouth full of luke warm tea and swish it around your mouth until he goes to bed" Two weeks later

    she visits the doctor looking fresh and reborn. After complimenting her the doctor said "see how much it  helps when you keep

     your mouth shut" 

    A couple who have been divorced for 10 years meet up again at a party. The former husband has a good bevy
    in him and suggests they go to bed together “just for old times sake” “over my dead body!” she replies. He
    responded to this by saying “I see you haven’t changed much.”

    I've just come back from a trip I was offered --- a working holiday in Greece. I was cleaning chip shops in Blackpool.

    Phil hands his wife a vibrator made from a cast of his own willy for her to use while he's away on a business trip. Several days later she send him text message..."I've tried it out. It's just like the real thing. The batteries run out before I get to climax.

    What connects a horse being fed and a couple making love? They're all getting their oats.  

    A wife is in bed with her lover when she hears her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are" She shrieks. "He's probably so drunk he won't notice you're here" The husband crawls into bed non the wiser. Only, several minutes later, through a drunken haze , he notices there are six feet sticking out the bottom of the bed. "Hey" he turns to his wife, why are there six feet down there?" "Nonsense,"  the wife says "You're so drunk you've miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbs out of bed and begins to count. "One, two, three, four, "He slurs. "Damn, you're right" 

    A guy was telling his friend what it was like to be single again. "I've started to shave one of my legs," The singleton admitted, "just so it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman again"   


    Weekly rant w/e 05 07 2014

    Paul wakes up on his birthday and rushes downstairs to see his wife and the kids. But everyone acts as if it's just a normal day. He doesn't even get a call from his parents or a single message on facebook. He goes off to work and none of his Colleagues wish him a happy birthday either. Then at 1 pm his wife walks in "Happy birthday, darling," she says "I'm here to take you to lunch" After lunch, she tells him she has his presents waiting at home, Paul decides to skive for the rest of the day. "I'm just going up to the bedroom" his wife winks as they enter the house. "You go and make yourself comfortable on the sofa" five minutes later, she appears holding a cake. "Surprise" she yells. Behind her are his kids, parents and mates -- all of whom are greeted by the sight of Paul naked on the sofa looking rather, ahem, excited.......            

    A lad goes to a strip club. His mum get angry and says: "Did you see anything you were not supposed to see?" The lad replies "Yes, I saw me dad"

    I went to see the doctor and said to her: "Doctor, doctor, I'm very upset. My wife Tracey, refuses to go out with me in my dinghy. She says it's an accident waiting to happen. "Well," said the doctor, "You're wife's concerns may well be justified. If I were your I would have the vessel checked over and any necessary repairs carried out otherwise, one day, you may sink without a Trace.        

    I was watching the woman's tennis with my dad and I must agree that all that grunting and moaning was quite disturbing. And that was just me and my dad.

    We had the mother-in-law for dinner last Sunday. She tasted better that she looked!

    My wife went for cosmetic surgery recently but she was not happy with the results. When the surgeon asked what kind of chin she would like, she thought he said gin and asked for a double. 

    A man goes for an eye test and the optician tells him he has perfect 20/20 vision and sends him on his way. A few days later the man is back at the shop demanding another test. The optician reluctantly agrees to test him again, but the result is the same -- his eyesight is perfect. The man says: "Are you sure? I have difficulty seeing objects that are along way off" So the optician takes him out of the shop and points to the sun. "Can you see that?" "Oh yes" he says. "Well" says the optician. "The sun is 94 million miles away. So how far do you want to see?"   

    Weekly Rant week ending 28 06 2014

    I once dated a girl who was a nymphomaniac kleptomaniac. She stole all my condoms.  

    "I read recipes the same way as I read science fiction"  says the lady in the pub. She continued. "Well, that's not going to happen."   

    Do you think Suarez has bit off more than he can chew this time?.

    There was a tale in the Herald's Diary  the other day about a cocker spaniel called Archibald. The punch line being "Apparently the poor mutt was nearly named Seve because he’s Espanol" This reminded me of when I was a kid. I was in the fish and chip shop with my dog when the lady behind me said "That's a nice dog you've got son. What's it's name?" I replied "Askit" She slapped my ear and said "You cheeky we blighter" But, I suppose that's what happens when you name your dog after you're mother's headache powder.

    "I lost my virginity when I was 17" says the bloke in the pub "I got it back again 5 years after I got married"

    Two old codgers meet up. The first one says "How's it going Tam?" Tam answers "I feel like a 9 month old baby" "How's that?" asks his pal. Tam replies "Well I'm as bald as a coots arse, all my food has to go through a blender and I've just shit myself"

    Do you know what it means to come home to man who gives you love, tenderness, understanding, compassion and good sex?. It means you've gone to the wrong house. 

    I'm glad I know sign language -- It's pretty handy.

    There was once this floating head. Being very sad that he had no body, he floated into a bar. After ordering and receiving an alcoholic drink, he began to consume it. Slowly, after ever sip, a body started to appear from the neck down. Excitedly he ordered more and more drinks and drank them, until finally he had a whole body. After leaving some money at the bar counter, he stumbled out onto the street and got hit by a bus. The moral of the story ? Quit, while you're ahead.   

    The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.



    Weekly Rant week ending 21 06 2014


    And where would we be without a football joke? The FA have decided to redesign England shirt........from now on the famous "Three Lions"

    will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst "Period" in English football history.

    Sharon and Bev  are having coffee. "My husband asked me to try sex blindfolded," Sharon giggles. "Really, and how did it go?" Bev asks. "Well" Sharon says. " I'll admit it was definitely better not having to look at his beer belly wobbling about"      

    Once upon a time a female brain cell ended up in a man's head by mistake. "Hello?" she called, into the emptiness. No answer. "Is there anybody there?" she cried a bit louder, but still no reply. The female brain cell started to feel alone and scared so she yelled at the top of her voice: "Where is everyone?" The she heard a call from far, far away: "Hello, we're down here"    

    Did you know to be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

    My Father’s Day joke last week reminded me of the one about the two blokes in a pub having a row. The insults were flying back and forth when suddenly one of the men screams. “I slept with your mother” There’s a deadly silence – then the other bloke stands up and says “Say that again” So the guy yells in his face  “I slept with your mother” The other bloke pushes him away and says “Go home Dad, you’re drunk again”  

    The stupid woman takes a bath back to the shop and says “It’s leaking” “Have you tried putting the plug in, Madam?” She replied “Nobody told me it was electric”  

    A recent sex survey has revealed the quickest way to arouse a man is to lick behind his ears. Personally I think It's nuts.

    A woman goes into a sex shop to buy a new toy. Spotting one she likes the look of, she approaches the manager. "How much is that red one on the wall?" "I'm sorry madam" He replies "That's the fire extinguisher"

    Why do woman have periods?  To give the men-a-pause

    For all my comedy stuff go to


    Weekly Rant week ending 14 06 2014

    "My mother said never to speak badly of the dead. She's dead. Good -- Bette Davies on her rival Joan Crawford

    A vicar spots a woman in the front pew wearing a miniskirt. Thinking he knows her, he whispers to his organist "Isn't that Fanny Green?"  "No" the organist replies. i think it's just the way the light's coming through the stained glass window"

    "If you can't lie, you'll go nowhere"  Former US President Richard Nixon. 

    Quasimodo's twin brother was hired to replace him after he died. Quasi had taught him how to swing on the rope and kick the bell with his feet. But the brother misjudged the wind one day and fell to his death. A crowd gathered and a policeman was called. "Does anyone recognise this man?" asked the cop. "Yes" said an onlooker. "He's a dead ringer for his brother." 

    Doctor: "Madam your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills!" Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?" Doctor: "They are for you....."

    A bloke answered his front door to find a salesman selling vacuum cleaners. "Before you say anything, pal," he said, "I've already got one." "Not like this one, sir," the salesman said. "I tell you what - if you let me in and I pour this bag of manure on your carpet, if this cleaner doesn't pick it up I'll eat it myself." "Go on then," said the bloke. So the salesman emptied the contents of the floor. The householder handed him a knife and fork. "What are these for?" "For you," says the man, "my electricity got disconnected the other day."      

    What' the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can't do the washing up in a buffalo

    My wife got herself into a right panic the other day: "I've lost my sex video!" she screamed. "It'll end up on YouTube, I bet" "Oh my god" I said "I'll end up getting slaughtered if anybody sees me" "You're not in it, you idiot" she replied.   

    Who invented fractions? Hendry The 1/8

    A lady walks into a bar. There are no seats available except for one at a table occupied by a man, so she takes it. "Hello" the man says, smiling broadly. "My name is Jim Snow. What's yours?" "June" the woman replies, getting up to get a drink. When she returns, Jim is still sat there with a grin on his face. "Why are you smiling at me like that?" June asks a little embarrassed. "Well" Jim Replies "I'm just imagining having six inches of Snow in June!"         


    Weekly Rants week ending 07 06 2014

    "I've just bought a bottle of HP sauce" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It's costing me 5 pence a month for two years"

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    I did a stand up spot at Blantyre Vic's Social Club on Saturday night. I finished off with this joke and it went down a treat.  A bride and groom are both killed in a road accident on the way to the chapel to get married. So they end up at the Pearly Gates and ask St. Peter if they can get married at the Chapel in heaven. St. Peter says wait here and I'll get back to you. Three months later St Peter returns and says "Yes, you can get married here" The bride says "See if things don't work out, can we get divorce here?" St. Peter says "For f***'s sake it took me three months to find a priest, now you're wanting me to go and look for a lawyer"

    After a session in the pub, two guys stagger to their street, where they live opposite each other. "Listen, the first guy slurs. "Next time you and your wife make love , close the curtains. The whole street was in hysterics at your antics last night" "Well, the laugh's on you" his mate said. "I was away on business last night."

    Do you know about the cowboy who worked in the bank? He's the Loan Arranger.

    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

    "What does a fish say when it bumps into a wall?" "Damn"

    A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned the TV on and said to his wife "Quick, bring me beer before it starts"     She looked puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it he said "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."  This time she looks a little angry but brought him another beer.  When it was gone, he said "Quick another beer before it starts."   She blows her top "You pillock! You waltz here, flop your ass down, don't say hello and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise I cook and clean all day long!!. He sighed. "It's started"  

    My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I have to confess." "Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right" "No I must die in peace. I has sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father.!!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes."

    A student visits his gran during half term. "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend?" He asks. "My TV is my boyfriend," she replies. "The presenters keep me company and the comedies make me laugh." Smiling she turns the TV on -- but the reception is awful. She presses all sorts of buttons but nothing works, so she resorts to hitting the side of the TV. Just then the doorbell goes, and the grandson finds his dad at the door. "Hi son," the dad says "Where's your gran?" "Hi dad," The son replies "She's in the lounge, banging her boyfriend"  


    Weekly Rant week ending 31 / 05 / 2014

    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

    While sitting at the table reading, I stopped to clean my glasses. Through the blur I caught sight of my husband staring at me. I asked him: "Do you think I look beautiful without my glasses?" To which he replied: "No, you'll look beautiful if I take my  glasses off as well" This is the first I got published. It was in many years ago in a weekly magazine. I think I received £20 for it.

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts in: "mypenis" and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says "Error, not long enough"

    Countdown's quote of the week: Rachel Rile saying: "that's a hard one, leave it with me a while"

    I bought a small jar of dried Basil to sprinkle on some lamb I was cooking, but I had to take it back. It was Fawlty.  

    Me and my wife watched three films back to back last night. Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Luckily I was the one facing the telly"

    Three cross-eyed prisoners were in the dock. The judge, also cross-eyed, asks the first prisoner: "How do you plead?" The second prisoner replies: "Not guilty, Your Honour" The judge says :"I wasn't talking to you" The third prisoner replies: "I never said a work Your Honour" 

    Why do scuba divers always fall backwards?. Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

    Harry finishes work one Friday but instead of going home, he meets up with his pals and spends the entire weekend boozing, playing poker and spending all his wages. When he finally gets home on Sunday night, he is confronted by his wife who is furious. After two hours she stops nagging, and says "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" Monday goes by and he doesn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday pass with same result. Thursday, the swelling goes down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

    John Park Motherwell

     Weekly Rants week ending 24 05 2014

    Did you hear about the Mexican who wrote a song about a tortilla. Actually, it's more of a wrap.

    "I found myself in a strange place after my divorce" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I think it was the kitchen" 

    After dropping my grandson Oliver off at Larkhall judo club, I made my way to the local ASDA. Liz asked me to get a packet Finish (they're tablets for our dish washing machine) While in the self check out the machine kept spitting back the £10 note that I had fed into it. When I told the helper who was on hand she turned the note over and pointing to the Queen's photo said "These machines won't accept a note with the Queen's photo on it" "Wait a minute" I said to the girl  "This is Larkhall, you can't having a machine not liking a picture of the Queen" she said "You know that, we all know it, the head office have been told about it, but say there's nought they can do about it"      You couldn't make it up.

    "I've just been told I'm colour blind" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "That came like a bolt out of the green"

    Lucy and her friend Angela are discussing marriage... "I'm so thrilled your boyfriend proposed to you last night" Lucy said with a smile. "I just with my other half  would make an honest woman of me" "Well you could always propose to him instead." Angela replies. "No, as soon as I got down on my knees, he'd only get the wrong idea."  

    My wife is not happy with the plastic surgery I did recently. I cut up her credit cards.

    I went to the doctor yet again. I said to her "Doctor, doctor, I have some good news for you. You will no doubt be pleased to  hear that henceforth I sall be visiting you less frequently." "How so?" asked the doctor. "Well you see, doctor," I explained "I shall be busy with my new job in charge of ventilation at the supermarket" "Well" she said, "Aisle be blowed"   

    A scientist has just developed a new computer system based entirely on cashmere--It functions exactly the same as conventional systems, but uses a very different soft wear.

    John Park Motherwell


     Weekly Rants week ending 10 05 2014

    A man receives this text from his neighbour.... I'm really sorry, Bob. I feel so guilty and I have to confess, I've been using you're wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you are. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology. along with my promise it won't happen again. Distraught, Bob has a blazing row with his wife and throws her out. Just then, a second text arrives....Damn auto-correct, I meant Wi-Fi, not wife. 

    Joe pops into the hairdresser's. The busty blonde asks him to take a seat. "How much would you like off the top, sir?" she asks. He grins: "The blouse and bra please."

    A bride and groom are both killed in a road accident on the way to the chapel to get married. So they end up at the Pearly Gates and ask St. Peter if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter says wait here and I'll get back to you. Three months later St Peter returns and says "Yes, you can get married here" The bride says "See if things don't work out, can we get divorce here?" St. Peter says "For f***'s sake it took me three months to find a priest, now you're wanting me to go and look for a lawyer"

    When a man talks dirty to a woman, It's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its 3 quid a minute.

    A man suspects his wife is having an affair. Returning home early, he asks his taxi driver to be a witness to catch her in the act. Sue enough, as they walk into the bedroom they find his missus in bed with another bloke. The husband pulls out a gun and points it at the naked man's head but the wife yells: "Don't do it! I Iied about inheriting money" "This man paid for your new car, you're Chelsea season ticket, our holiday home in Brighton  and your golf club membership." Lowering the gun, the husband turns to the cabbie and says: "What would you do?" The cabbie replies "Cover him up quick with that blanket before he catches a cold."   

    "My husband only tells me he loves me when he drunk" says the lady to her pal. She continued. "Then he says it to the dog and goldfish as well"

    "My wife drove me to drink" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "But I'll have to get a taxi back home"

    The doctor says to patient "If you really wanted to, you could beat this insomnia with your eyes closed!"

    Paul walks into the kitchen after a morning shower and shave. "A nice shave is a perfect start to the day" he says beaming. "I always feel 10 years younger after I've had one" "Hmmm" his wife mutters. "In that case, I wish you'd shave before we go to bed."

    A couple visiting Paris take a trip to the top of the famous tower. Suddenly a gust of wind lift the woman's skirt up, revealing she's not wearing any undies. "Thanks darling" the man beams  "I got a real Eiffel there" 

    "Addicted to twitter, you say?" says the doctor to a patient. "Sorry I don't follow you"


    Weekly Rants week ending 03 05 2014

    A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland burn on the St Andrews course. A grounds keeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! et's foo ae coo's shite an' pish" The golfer replies "My good fellow could you repeat that for me in English."  The keeper replies "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way"     

    The wife and I were having a massive row. "I'm so disappointed in you" she said "When we got married I thought you were a brave man" "Yes" I replied "And so did all my pals"

    A woman notices her next door neighbour is lying flat on his face in his vegetable patch. "Are you okay?" she calls anxiously. "I'm fine" He yells back "I'm planting some potatoes but I've lost my dibbler so I'm using my todger instead" "In that case I'll send over my handy man" She says "potatoe holes need to be a lot deeper than that"      

    When I went into The Miners for my Saturday afternoon pint Jacky Barrie said to me "Last night there was charity do for the Deaf and Dumb Society and there was even a deaf and dumb stand up comic on." I replied "I know, I was in here telling him jokes" 

    A chap was driving at night when his car broke down. Not knowing what to do, he went to the nearest house. When a man answered the door, he said: "My car has broken down." The reply came back "Sorry mate, I know nothing about cars. I'm a chiropodist." So the chap said. "Ah, in that case, can you give me a toe."

    My wife went through my mobile without me knowing last night. "Who the hell is Gemma?" she yelled. I suddenly realised If I told her the truth she would divorce me. I said taking a swig of my beer. "She's just some fit bird who I had sex with on your brother's stag night."

    Alfie turns up for work looking depressed, so his boss tries to boost his mood. "Whenever I feel low about work," he says "I pop home and have a good session in bed with my wife. I find that always works..." Later that day he finds Alfie smiling happily. "So my advice worked then?" "Yes thanks boss," Alfie grins "Oh, by the way -- you have a lovely house"       

    What does Las Vegas and Glasgow have in common? In both cities you can pay for sex with chips.

    A bloke from Barnsley with piles asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" The Chemist replies "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?" 

    John Park  Motherwell


    Weekly Rants week ending 26 04 2014


    I went to see the doctor yet again. I said. "Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm part of a car." "Any particular bit?" he asked. "Yes, doctor," I replied, "I keep thinking I'm the clutch."  "In that case" the doctor said "You may be depressed"      

    We're just back from a week in sunny Tenerife. On the last night we went to see a Scots stand up. His name was Anthony Scott and he came from Glasgow. His act was billed as a tribute to Billy Connolly, although he was nothing like him, he was still pretty good. Even though these acts are on late at night there still tends to be lots of young kids about. The first thing this guy said was "Now children, if any of you inadvertently repeat any of my sweary, bad words in class just tell the teacher it's Spanish, a primary school teacher won't know the difference.  The name of the pub was The Pheasant Plucker. When Liz was talking to a couple at the pool the next morning they asked her the pub name, Liz said to me "What was the name of that pub again." I whispered to her "The Pleasant Fu**er" Liz turned to the couple and said    "The Pleasant Fuu..." She then punched me in arm and said "See you"

    This lady said to her work mate one day "My husband sent me a text to say I was very condescending this morning. To be honest, I'm surprised he could spell it"

    Paul is having problems making love to his wife and confides in his mate Alex. "I've got a spare packet of Viagra you can have," Alex says "Give them a try" A week later they meet up for a drink. "So how's it going?" Alex grins. "The pills you gave me haven't worked." Paul say's "Turns out they're past their swell-by date."

    A guy meets a beautiful girl in a bar and asks: "May I buy you a drink?" She replies "Okay but it won't do you any good" A little later the besotted fellow asks: "May I buy you another drink?" Again she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good" He invites her back to his luxury apartment She replies "Okay, but it still won't do you any good" They go to the apartment and he says: "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. "I want you for my wife" The girls eyes light up and she says: "Oh, that's different. Send her in"     

    The shell suit clad Glasgow girl was reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Her excitement growing, she said to her pal – "the last time I was wrestled to the ground and tied in handcuffs was after getting caught shop-lifting in Primark"

    A bloke in pub pulls out a 3 inch man from his pocket. He puts him on the bar, then orders two pints. "Can he drink a full pint?" asks the barman. "Sure can" says the man. "He can drink a yard of ale and is a brilliant snooker player" "Can he talk?" asks the barman "Yep" says the bloke "He's my dad. Dad, tell the barman about the time you were in Africa and upset that witch doctor"

    John Park Motherwell



    Weekly Rant w/e 19 04 2014

    A country yokel walks into his mate's and finds him naked , dancing in front of a JCB. "What ever are you up to?" he says. "Well" says his pal, "me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately. I went to see a therapist and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor" 

    Bob, a 70 year old, extremely rich widower, walks into his golf club with a beautiful and very sexy 25-year old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off. Bob's mate's are agog as she holds his hand and listens intently to every word. At the first chance they ask him: "Bob, how did you get to meet your girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend?, she's my wife" "So how did you persuade her to marry you? did you tell her you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says: "No, I told her I was 90"

    Just had a medical, and the doctor said: "Don't eat anything fatty" I said "Like bacon and burgers?" The Doc replied. "No, fatty -- don't eat anything"

    I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me,
    squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy." I replied "Have you got a pen?"
    She smiled and said "Yes." I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

    A bridegroom asked his wife: "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" She replied " I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune"

    A woman is showering when the doorbell rings. She puts on a towel and answers the door to find her neighbour Ed. "I like what I see" he smiles. "Drop the towel and I'll give you £100 right now" Although unhappy, she is tempted. Inviting him in, she drops the towel and stands completely naked. Satisfied, Ed gives her the cash and leaves. Later on, her hubby arrives home. "Did Ed call round today?" he asks. "Yes ... Why?" she asks nervously. "Oh"  he replies "He said he would pop round with the £100 I lent him"

    Whenever we have had one of our big fights, my wife has a neat little trick she does that always manages to cheer me right up again. She goes to her mother's for a week.

    A man was moaning to a friend: "If I had it all, money, a massive house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman -- and then, boom it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out....."

    My mate has just been given 48 hours to live. His wife's going away for a couple of days.

    A medium goes into a bar and keeps ordering large whiskies. The guy next to him asks: "Are you psychic?" And the Medium replies "Yes, how can you tell?" "You seem to like spirits" said the guy.

    John Park Motherwell    


    Weekly Rants w/e 5 4 2014

    The doctor said to his patient "Cut down on Sodium!" Patient replied "I'm taking that with a pinch of salt"

    A man is having a drink chatting to the barman. "I've just read in an article what sort of man makes a good lover," he says. "Apparently, when it comes to sex, it's not about size -- it's also about thickness." "Can you do anything about that?" the barman asks dubiously. "Yes" the man declares. "From now on I've decided I'm going to act really dumb."  

    A woman goes into the chemists and asks the pharmacist: "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes" he answered. "Does it work?" she asked. "Yes" he answered. "And can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two" he replied.

    I recently purchased a hand-built bicycle, even the wheels were bespoke.

    What's the first thing men do after an orgasm? Two per cent go for a pee. Three per cent fall asleep. And 95 per cent clear the internet browsing history from their computer.

    My wife has just told me that she is leaving me for my 'best' mate. He was just a mate until she told me that!

    Is it true that the Chinese leap new year is the year of the Kangaroo?.

    "Michael McIntyre" and "extremely funny" aren't words I would say in the same sentence.  "Michael McIntyre" and "intensely irritating" are.

    I was just remembering being at school. I recall smoking with the fifth year lads behind the bike shed and trying to get off with all the girls. Then there was throwing stink bombs through the staff room window. The headmaster said I was worst caretaker they ever had.

    Any married men should forget their mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

    Have you heard Coldplay's new single? It's called Chris Martin.

    "It read an article in the newspaper saying that men want more spice in their lives, so I've ordered you some tarragon." Said the wife to her husband.

    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rant w/e 29 03 2014

    A woman went into a pet shop, wanting a coat for her dog. "What size?" asked the shop owner. "I don't know" said the woman "I have him out in the car" "Well, bring him in" said the shop owner. "Oh, I can't do that" said the lady. "It's supposed to be a surprise"

    I visited my GP complaining of bouts of severe itching. After an open and honest discussion about my lifestyle, the doctor, a friendly sort, advised that i was buying too many scratch cards. 

     We were over in Belfast last weekend. My grandson, Oliver won a silver medal in the open judo championships in the under 46 kg. category. Having just read an old Clive Cussler fictional book called "Raise The Titanic" a visit to the new Titanic Visitor centre was a must.  And I was very impressed with it. Titanic was about to sink. Passenger: How far are we from land? Captain: Two miles... Passenger: which direction? Captain: Down.

    Being In Ireland reminds me of this one.

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where did yi sae yer callin' from?"

    Two girlfriends are having a cuppa' "It'll rain tomorrow," The first announces, sipping her tea. "How do you know?" the other asks. "I look at my fella's willy" she replies. "If it's pointing down, it's going to rain. If it's pointing to the left, it'll be cloudy. And if it's pointing right  - sunny. "So, what if it's pointing straight up?" her friend asks. "In that case, who cares about the weather?  

    A bloke goes to the psychologist and says: "I've got a real problem --- I can't stop thinking about sex"   The psychologist shows the man a picture of random ink blots and asks what he sees. He replies "A man and a woman having sex." The psychologist shows him another ink blot picture. The bloke looks at it and say "A woman giving a bloke a blow job" The psychologist tries a further three time but the answer is always sexually orientated. "Yes" says the psychologist "You do seem to have a problem." "Me" says the bloke "It's you that's showing me the photos"

    The doctor says to the patient. "You want a cure for the hiccups? Don't hold your breath!"

    A father buys a robot lie detector that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it on his son at supper that night. "Where were you last night" He asks "I was at the library" The robot slaps the son. "Okay I was at a friends house" "Doing what?" asks the father. "Watching Toy Story" The Robot slaps the son again" "OK, it was porn" The father yells "When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son" the Robot slaps the mother.

    "I spent 3 hours trying to defrost my ice box last night" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "The wife still didn't want to have sex with me"

    Week Ending 22 03 2014

    "It seems as if you're allergic to rice" Said the Doctor to one of his patients. He continued. "I think  you could be basmatic!"

    When God created Scotland, he looked down with satisfaction. He called the Archangel Gabriel. "Look" said God, "This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, cool weather, beautiful music and I've given them a special drink called whisky -- try some. Gabriel took a sip. "Excellent. But haven't you been too kind?" God said "Wait until you see the neighbours they're getting"

    The bloke said to his wife "I couldn't remember what you said needs to go in the washing machine, so I just threw in the towel!"

     A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

    "You're arresting me for for trespass, officer --- on what grounds?"

    A teacher asked little Johnny what he wanted to be when he left school. "I want to be a policeman and follow in my father's footsteps" he said. "I didn't know your dad was a policeman" said the teacher. "He's not" replied Johnny "He's a burglar"

    Bob says to Bill: "You know, I'm about ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a little different" "The last few years, I've taken your advice about where to go. Two years ago you said go to Italy, I went to Italy and Marie got pregnant." "Then last year, you told me to go to Croatia. I went to Croatia and Marie got pregnant again." Bill says "So what are you going to do different this year?" Bob says "This year I'm taking Marie with me"

     I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

    A woman awakes to find that her husband is not in bed. She finds him sitting in the kitchen wiping a tear from his eye. The husband says: "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met" "Do you remember when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." The wife is moved to tears and the husband continues: "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "He shoved a shotgun in my face and said; "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in jail" "If I had went to prison," the husband says "I would have been getting out today"

    For all my comedy stuff go to

    John Park Motherwell   


    weekly rant w/e 15 03 2014 

    Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant a lot has changed - like my name, address and phone number.

    Every time I take my grandson, Oliver to his judo class in Larkhall Leisure Centre we walk through this old stone portal. Above the opening in large lettering it says Welcome to the "Robert Smillie" Memorial Park. I've often wondered what claim to fame this guy had. Now, thanks to Craig McQueen at the Daily Record (08 03 2014) I know it all.

    I asked Rod Stewart if my friend Maggie and I could have his autograph. He replied "You can't, but Maggie may"

    I've thrown out my entire collection of Dusty Springfield records ..... Now 'I just don't know what to do with my shelf.'

    My grandson Oliver came in from school the the other day and said "I've got a joke for you papa. What do reindeer have that no other animal have?"  I replied "I don't know Oliver what do reindeer have that no other animal have?" Oliver replied "Baby reindeer!"

    There's too much apathy in the world, ------ but, who the hell cares anyway?

    Q "What did the egg say to the boiling water?"  A "I might take a few moments to get hard as I was just laid this morning.

    A woman is suffering from a headache so decides to get an early night. Her husband follows her to bed with other ideas. "Psst.... " the husband whispers as he snuggles up to his wife. "Did you know it's been proven that having sex can cure headaches?" "That maybe so" his wife replies, "But so can paracetamol --- and they last up to four hours."     

    Two guys meet at the gym for their weekly workout. "What on earth happened to you ?" the first guy gasps, staring at his friends black eye. "Well" his friend explains. "Promise you won't laugh, but I was attacked by a woman today"   "What did you do to deserve that?" "Well" the friend continues, "I was in a lift and this woman with huge breasts walked in. She looked at me and said "would you please press one?" So I did"    

    Donald Macdonald, from Glasgow, has just broken the world record for the number of jokes that can be told in an hour. The record was 549 (held by Anthony Lehmann), he told 580. What a memory!!  A few that tickled my fancy.

    2. I just bought a new race horse but it will only run in the dark. It's a total nightmare.

    3. How do you break up with a tractor? Write a John Deere letter.

    4. What's the funniest underground station in Glasgow? Kelvin Bridges for weekly rant back dates

    John Park  Motherwell


    Weekly Rants week ending 08-03-2014

    My hubby's cooking is awful. His cottage pie tastes like real cottage and his shepherds pie tastes real shepherd. I can't wait for his coq-au-vin. 

    "How do you kill a vegetarian vampire?" "With a steak to the heart!"

    Do you know how that you are supposed to bury a Politician 100 feet down? Because deep down they are really good people.

    I went to see the doctor yet again. "Doctor, doctor," I wailed "I keep thinking I'm the Earl of Elgin" "I very much fear," said the doctor "You're in danger of losing your marbles"

    A portly bloke is keen to shed a few pounds, and is reading an article about losing weight. "Hey, listen to this" he calls excitedly to his wife. "It says here that sex is the best way to burn fat. What a great way for me to lose a few pounds!" "Correct me if I'm wrong," his wife replies sarcastically. "But I don't really think that two minutes and fifteen seconds every three months is going to shift that beer belly?"  

    "Why are men like cement?" "After getting laid it takes them ages to get hard again." 

    Sue comes home from work to find her fella in bed with Kate next door. "Fine" She shrieks furiously. "I'm going next door to go to bed with your husband" "That's a great idea," Kate replies calmly. "The rest will do you good"  

    Two anglers were trying to outdo each other with their tall stories. One claimed he had hooked a big fish and it took more that an hour to get it to the side of the boat. Just as he was getting it into the boat, it broke free. He claimed it weighed 35lb 6 ounces. The other angler asked how he could be so precise with weight of the fish as it got away. He replied "It had scales oh it's back"  

    When I went to see the doctor I said : "The receptionist tells me you won't be here next week" "That's right," the doctor said "I shall be on holiday and if you call next week you will find a locum in this chair" I said "There is an ocean somewhere where locums gather and dance on the water" The doc says "Dance on the water?" "Yes" I said "surely you've heard of the locum ocean"  

    Weekly Rants w/e 01 04 2014

    Why do women like having sex with the lights off ? They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

    Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

    Why are men like computers ? To get them going, you have to turn them on.

    A couple meet on a blind date and really click. After dinner, back at the guys flat, they eagerly begin to tear each others clothes off. "Before we go any further," the guy says "Do you have any sexual fetishes I can satisfy?" "Yes" girl whispers huskily "I happen to have a foot fetish" "Oh, I see" The guy says dejectedly "Well, would you settle for nine inches?"   

    "These 'anger management classes' that they have started to run are, apparently 'all the rage'" says one manager to the other.

    "Looks like Kleptomania. You better take something for it!" Say's the doctor to his patient.

    "What did Winnie the Pooh say to her mum? "Why have I got such a s**t name?"

    A man walks into a pharmacy and asks if they stock lubricant jelly. "Sorry, Sir," The assistant replied "Have you tried Boots?" "No, I haven't" The man snaps "I want to slide in not march in" 

    A woman gathers her friends together to announce a charity fundraising event she's hosting. "You're all invited with you're partners," she says. "The charity helps people who struggle to reach an orgasm. If you can't come let me know."  

    A man drowning his sorrows in a pub. "What's up?" the barman asks. "Well" the man replies, "These days my sex life is like fizzy cola." "Full of bubbles you mean?" the barman said. "No!" the man replies, downing his whisky. "At the start it was normal, then came the light version...., now it's zero"      

    "What do you call an out of work jester?"  "Nobody's fool"

    What do you call a monkey that sells French Fries? A Chipmonk

    Weekly Rants week ending 22 02 2014

    Two idiots had just landed their plane. One said: - That was brilliant, considering how short the runway is." "I know," said his mate "But look how wide it is?"     

    A woman is in bed having passionate sex with her husband Harry's friend, when suddenly the phone rings . After hanging up she says "That was my husband Harry, but don't worry he he won't be home for a while. He says he's playing cards with you and another mate" 

    Liz and I were walking through the Barrhead shopping centre the other weekend. The whole place was choc a bloc and when Liz turned round I was nowhere to be seen. She called on my mobile and asked where I was. I said "Liz do you recall the jewellers we went to about about five years ago when you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that one day I'd get it for you?" Liz choked up and started to cry "Yes I do remember that shop" she said. I replied "Well I'm in the pub next door"    

    My retired friend was walking home from the pub at 1 am when the police stopped him and asked, "Where were you between 5 and 11" "Primary school" he replied.

    A man's overcoat was stolen in a restaurant. "Did you see who made off with my coat?" the man asked a passing waiter. "Yes, sir" said the waiter. "What did he look like?" asked the diner. "Ridiculous," said the waiter. "The sleeves were far too short for a start"

    A woman ordered a pizza for delivery, which arrives minutes later ...  "Well she exclaims to the delivery man, "That was quick" The man sigh's and says "My wife said exactly the same thing to me in bed last night" 

    What happened when the Magician went mad? He pulled his hare out.

    My girlfriend has dumped because I'm addicted to plants. I asked: "Where's all this stemming from, Petal?"

    What happened to the newlyweds who can't tell the difference between Vaseline and putty? All their windows fall out. But that's the least of their worries....

    Three blokes in a bar. "Whoever tells me the best example of irony gets a free drink" The barman challenges them. One man says "Isn't it ironic the Britain's largest dog is called Tiny?" The second declares "Isn't ironic that when you see a penny and don't pick it up, then you get on a bus and find you're a penny short for the fare? "My example is the best" The third bloke says "Isn't it ironic that women spend hours deciding what to wear, and all guys do is try to picture them naked?"      

    Week ending 15 02 2014

    A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a counsellor to try and save their marriage.  "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation" the wife says bluntly. "Is that true?" the counsellor asks. "Not really" the husband replies "She's the one that suffers"

    "My ex-wife said I was obsessed with horoscopes. I wonder it that's what taurus apart?"

    The telephone receptionist said "Doctor, your client with multiple personality disorder is on lines one, two, three and four"

    One baker said to the other baker "Things are bad ------ we're struggling to make a crust"

    The lawyer reading out the final section of the husbands will to his wife and family saying   "....and I want my wife, who said I can't take it with me. to watch me and my £3.5 million being cremated!" 

    "My wife's learning magic," a man tells his mate. "She's got some great tricks" "Like what?" The friend asks. "Well, she was in our bedroom when I came home early yesterday. She said abracadadra, and my mate Dave stepped out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor guy must have wondered what was going on." 

    Sometimes I enjoy my steak undercooked, but that's rare!

    "The only way my husband would listen to me would be if I did the recoding for his sat nav!"

    I was walking through the park when this bloke staggered out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I asked what happened and the fellow said "My car went out of control and I drove off that bridge and landed it the lake!" He handed me the golf clubs and said "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife" 

    How do you get a fat lady out of bed? A piece of cake.

    A salesman comes home and tells his wife:- "Guess what dear I made £3000 by selling fifty mattresses and thirty pairs of panties" The wife replies "Really, wee with just one mattress and no panties I made twice as much" 

    Week ending 08 02 2014

    Paul Lawton didn't take his marriage break up well and demolished the house he had built which his ex wife wanted. Probably just as well that more men don't have keys to a J C B, isn't it....

    A guy visits his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend says:-- "My feet are cold. Would you mind getting my slippers" The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friends sexy daughters. Being the quick thinking kind, he says "Hi ladies Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you. They say "That can't be true" He replies "Let's check," and calls to his pal "Both of them?" "Yes, both of them" the pal replies.

    During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble." The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue. "


    "Will the father be present at the birth? asked the obstetrician. "Nah" replied the mother--to--be. "He and my husband don't get on" 


    Old soldiers have been astonished to learn that the Armed Forces are now handing out Viagra to service men.  They can remember when bromide was slipped their NAAFI tea to have precisely the opposite effect. A war veteran, who joined up in in 1942, says:-- "I shall be 91 in March and, believe me, the bromide is beginning to work. 


    Husband:- "Let's go out and have some fun tonight" Wife :-  "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on" 


    I must admit I do miss the wife's cooking -- as often as I can.


    My pal was arrested for selling fake Velcro but his solicitor says they'll never make it stick.


    On a visit to a mental hospital I asked the director "How do you determine whether a patient should be admitted?" He replied "We fill up a bathtub with water and give the patient a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket and ask him or her to empty it" "Oh, I get it" I said "A normal person would use the bucket" "No" he replied "A normal person would pull out the plug" "Now would you like your bed next to a door or window" 


    Sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


    A teacher asked her student to give her a word with "fascinate" in it. A little girl said "Walt Disney World is fascinating" "No" says the teacher "I said fascinate" Little Johnny yells from the back "My mum has such big boobs she can only fasten five of the of the ten buttons on her blouse"


    David Moyes has promised Manchester United fans they will be in a major European competition next year .. even if he has to write the song himself.


    Week ending 01-02-2014


    For weekly rant back dates go to


    A woman goes to the doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After tests, nothing shows, the doctor asks her how often she has sex. "Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. The doctor advises her to cut out the Wednesday. "I can't do that. That's the only time I'm with my husband" she replies.


    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
    Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the Lions, as they will eat anything.
    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts....
    He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both, What can he do? Feed them to the Lions, he says to himself, because Lions eat anything.
    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
    As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
    By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the Lions cage, because Lions eat anything. Later that day a new Lion arrives at the zoo.
    He wanders up to another Lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The Lion says, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps and Mushy Bees


    I saw a sign on a gate "Beware of the budgie" On spotting the owner of the house, I laughed and asked "Why should I be afraid of a budgie?" "He whistles for the dog" was the reply.


    A patient of a psychiatric hospital was sitting there fishing in a flower bed. A visitor, just meaning to be friendly, walks up to him and asks. "How many have you caught today/" "You're the fifth" the patient replied. 


    One of my mates called to say his Art teacher at night school was struggling to find models for their life drawing classes. "Oh" I said "You can pencil me in"


    "INTUITION" The strange instinct that tells a woman she's right, whether she is or not.


    During the horsemeat scandal, my doctor said that I should watch what I eat -- so I went to Ascot.


    A bloke who was having an affair with his secretary spent all day with her. On his way home he walked through a a puddle of mud, then told his wife:- "I've been knocking off my secretary" She looked at his shoes and fumed:- "You're a lying b*****d, you've been playing golf again"   


    Politicians and nappies have one thin in common. They should both be chanced regularly, and for the same reason.


    Caught a bit of Roy "Chubby" Brown tonight in Sheffield I peeked thru! the curtain back stage.
    He did this joke: "Tonight's show is dedicated to my late wife, she's not dead...
    just a fucking lazy cow"... The crowded laughed like it was the best thing they had ever heard.

    Ladies, if you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care. Tell him you have a penis.


    week ending 25/01/2014


    Jessica Ennis-Hill is pregnant and says she won't be competing in the 2014 Commonwealth Games. This is despite organisers' assurances that she'd look right at home in Glasgow as a pregnant woman in a tracksuit.


    Seemingly the French president is having an affair? Who cares. It's hardly a big story. Don't forget, when Maggie Thatcher was the British PM, she shafted half the working men in Scotland.


    Did you hear about the bloke who popped his head into the bedroom and said to his wife "Any chance of a quickie?" "OK" she replied. "Great, I've booked the divorce court for 2pm this afternoon"  


    An elderly gent bought a new sports car and drove along the road reaching 120 m.p.h. "Amazing" he thought. Then he saw a police car behind him with blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him" he thought as he reached 150 m.p.h. Then he thought "I'm too old for this nonsense" so he pulled over to the side of the road. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up and said "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding I've never heard before I'll let you go" The old bloke said "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back" "Have a good day" said the police man.   


    Why does an elephant have four feet?. Well, it would look stupid with four inches.


    I'm very tempted to take up an offer to participate in the latest craze --- reverse origami. However i think I'll wait and see how things unfold.


    James and Stephen go into a sweet shop. James stealthily pockets three bars of chocolate and slips out. Gloating, he challenges Stephen to do something even bigger. "No problem," replies Stephen. "I'll show you the real art of thieving"  Re-entering the shop, he approaches a member of staff and asks him, "Would you like to see a magic trick?" The staff member nods, so Stephen takes three bars of chocolate off the shelf and eats them. "So where's the magic" Asks the shopkeeper "Just check my friend's pocket," Stephen replies, pointing to James "You'll find all three bars intact"


    The Queen is slowing down in her royal duties. She's going to work to rule.


    A bloke went to the doctor about having a vasectomy. The doctor said "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yes" the bloke replied. "They're in favour of it, 15 to 2." 


    The lady of the manor called Jeeves into the bedroom. "Jeeves, please unzip my dress" She said with great embarrassment, He did so. "Now take of my stockings" She said. Jeeves was now in a sweat. "Now take of my underwear" She said. And if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you will be instantly dismissed.  


    As I stood swaying from side to side at British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said "Can I help?" "Yes" I slurred, unzipping my Superman outfit, and pulling my wallet out. "One ticket to Amsterdam please" "You're unable to fly, sir, you're far too drunk" I said "I know you idiot, that's why I'm getting a plane"    .


    I got sacked from my job at the Helium factory. I don't know why. All the other workers used to speak very highly of me.


    Weekly Rants w/e 18-01-2014


    While on a recent holiday in Tenerife I was sitting in a pub across from the hotel we were staying in. This we Glasgow keelie sat down beside me with his pint. When I asked him where he was staying he pointed to the Fanabe across the road. I then asked why he was paying for drink in here as he had an 'all  inclusive' band on his wrist. He replied "I'm not really all inclusive I just bought this band for 50 cents and wrote a room number on it with a felt tip pen." Now my brother-in-law John Preston was at the Fanabe a month ago and paid an extra 35 euros each a day for to get free drinks.    This story of mine was published in the Glasgow Heralds diary a couple of weeks ago.


    My grandson Oliver Park has recently won a British Judo Championship. Read all about it at the web link below.


    A recent article in the Cape Times reported a woman, Jean Janson, has sued a local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently he lost all interest in sex.  A hospital spokesman said "Mr. Jansen was admitted to our ophthalmology department for laser cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.    


    Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
    beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached t o his weenie, and they were told that
    anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
    The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
    she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
    across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
    He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.



    A bride and groom are on their first night of their honeymoon, getting undressed for bed. The husband takes off his trousers and throws them at his wife, saying "put them on" The wife replies:- "I don't wear men's trousers" the husband says:- "Just remember I'm the one who wears the trousers in this marriage" The wife goes to the bathroom, comes back, throws a pair of her knickers at her husband and says "Here, put these on" The husband says "I'm not getting into into your knickers" the wife replied "Correct, and you never will until you change your attitude"        


    I would give my right arm to be able to juggle.


    Three Irish brothers Pat, Mick and Dick have just finished a long week working on the farm Pat says let's go into town to the dancing.

    They turn up at the entrance to the dancing the doorman says they can't get in with there wellies on .... So they go to the shoe shop to buy
    a pair of shoes .... They all have Big Feet. Pat gets a size 12 Mick gets a size 14 however Dick a size 16 can't get a pair.
    Dick says to his brothers to go on without him. Pat and Mick are dancing with two lovely girls and they say to them two have some
    size of feet.....Pat says there no as big as Our Dick's. 


    The first week in 2014 has gone and I haven't seen any Bulgarians yet, mind you, I've only been in Bulgaria four days now.


    Teacher:- "What is a comet?"  Pupil:- "It's a star with tail"  Teacher:- "Can you name one?"  Pupil:- "Yeah....Lassie"


    A beautiful young woman waiting for a bus was wearing a knee-high tight skirt. When the bus arrived she became her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the step of the bus. She unzipped he skirt a little to give her enough slack to raise her leg, but this was unsuccessful.  Two more unzippings also failed. But then a man in the queue picked her up and placed her gently on the step of the bus.  She went ballistic. "How dare you touch my body?" she stormed. The man smiled and said "Well normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured we had become close friends"


    John Park Motherwell      


    Weekly Rants w/e 11-01-2014


    We're just back from a week's holiday in sunny Tenerife. One afternoon we were in a seedy area of the resort and stopped at a bar for a beer. I went up to the waiter and asked him where the toilet was. He smirked, handed me an empty pint tumbler and said go round the back and use that. I said "Oh you're into recycling, are you that's good" Honestly folk's, I couldn't finish my pint.   


    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, sweetheart, but remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know" she replied "But what's growing in you're bum?"  


    My friend's wife went for cosmetic surgery the other day but she's not happy with the results. When the surgeon asked her what kind of chin she'd like, she thought he said gin and asked for a double.


    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would most certainly would, he bought all 26 of your paintings. "That's brilliant" The artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" The owner replied "He was your doctor"  


    My wife asked for something gold for Christmas so I gave her a fish.


    "I can't make much sense of it" Jenny told her husband. "But last night I dreamt you bought me a Diamond Necklace for my birthday" On her birthday morning Jenny opened the present her husband had left by her bedside. It was a book called 'The Meaning of Dreams'


    Helen and Susan are making there New Year resolutions..... "Right" Helen says. "I'm going to do some exercise and shed that unsightly spare tyre I've been dragging around" "How will you do that?" Sue asks. "First I'm going to the gym," Helen replies. "And then I'm off to see my divorce lawyer"


    I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she stood there with her really fat pal. They'd gone together, dressed as number 10. I knew there and then, she was the one.


    I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious. She's asked me to move out with her.    


    Weekly Rants week ending 28 12 2013



    "The four stages of life are -- One: you believe in father Christmas; Two: You stop believing in Father Christmas; Three: You play the role of father Christmas; Four: You think you are Father Christmas.


    The above reminded me of this "I don't care who you are granddad, get them reindeer of my roof"  


    "Stop going on about having to work after past your retirement" Said Santa's wife to him. "After all, it's only one day a year"  


    "I've found a program about Origami" says the bloke to his wife while messing around with the remote control. "But it's 'paper view' "


    "You've got 8,966 people who want to sue you for roof repairs" says the lawyer to Santa.


    "My wife never makes my coffee on time" says the bloke in the pub, He continued "Still, better latte than never!"


    A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was busy, and the wife walked through one of the malls, she was surprised when she looked round to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because she had a lot to do. In fact, she became so worried she called him on his mobile to ask him where he was.   In a quiet voice, he said "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you I would get it for you one day. The wife choked with tears, started to cry and said "Yes, I do remember that shop"  He replied "Well, I'm in the pub next door to it"  


    Marks and Spencers have brought out a range of denims called Slim Boot. Tam Cowan thinks it's Victoria Beckam's own label.


    A couple of days before Christmas, an elderly man in Motherwell calls his son in New York and says: "Your mother and me are getting a divorce. After 40 years of marriage I've had enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son shouts. "We hate each other. And I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Rome and tell her." Frantic the son phones his sister, who duly explodes. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she cries. "I'll take care of this" She calls her dad and shouts at him "You are not getting divorced. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there in the morning. Until then don't do a thing" The old man hangs the phone up and turns to his wife "OK" he says "It's all set, They're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own air fares"       


    A milkman arrives at a house to find the front door open and obvious signs of a wild party everywhere.  Just then the lady of the house comes down the stairs, looking dishevelled and hung-over. "Good time last night?" he asks. "Great" says the housewife. "We had a smashing game where we hung up a sheet with holes cut in it, then all the men stuck there willies through and the women had to guess which willy belonged to which man" "Sounds like fun" says the milkman. "I wish I was there" "You might as well have been" says the lady "You're name was mentioned five times"    


    Weekly Rant w/e 21 12 2013


    While reading the Chic Murray story I came across this classic tale.

    Another school chum Chic vividly recalled was Sammy Cruikshanks. When the teacher took the class through an early 'getting to know you' session, Sammy was asked what his mother and father did "please miss," Sammy replied, "I dinnae ha'e either!" "Oh dear" said the teacher, "Are you an orphan, then?" "No" Sammy retorted, "I'm my auntie's bairn by one of the lodgers!"               


    I really hope I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer!.


    I know a guy who has one eye bigger that the other. His name is Iain.


    The regular tester in an alcohol factory died. The boss advertised the position, and a ragged-looking drunk came to apply the next day.  The boss, wondering how to send him away, gave him a glass of wine to identify. "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers," said the drunk.  "That's right said the boss, handing him a different glass. "It's a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels," said the drunk.  "Correct again" said the boss, astonished. Smiling he whispered to his secretary, who slipped out of the room and returned with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it, paused for a moment, then gave his verdict: "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if you don't give me the job I'll tell you who the father is.


    My girlfriend says she was leaving me because of my obsession with the 60's pop group the Monkeys. I thought she was joking... Then I saw her face.


    Alcohol doesn't agree with me. It thinks my wife is attractive.  


    My wife and I were outside a toy store when a friend and his wife emerged, followed by there grandchildren pushing trolley full of goodies. As he passed me, my friend said: "It's now Skint Are 'R' Us"    


    I told my wife that I'm leaving her, "But I've given you my best years", she replied, "Got it in one" I told her.

    I've been promised some hot anal sex this Christmas.....I hate being in prison

    The police stopped a car outside our house this afternoon. My wife Liz was doing her nosy Parker. She said to me "The police have taken one of the passengers from the rear seat and they're breathalysing him" Of course I couldn't resist saying "He must have been a back seat driver"


    "I was going to join a slimming club" Says the lady in the pub. She continued "But there was a weighting list"


    Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!


    Weekly Rant w/e Saturday 16th.


    I did a 5 minute stand up spot at the Stand in Glasgow last night (Tuesday)  The place was full to the gunnels (with over 250 people there), the atmosphere there was brilliant and I went down a treat. Loads of folk came up to me afterwards and congratulated me on my performance.


    Tam Cowan tells us about a pocket watch owned by Rabbie Burns has sold for an amazing £39,650. According to legend, he was courting a young lady one day when he said "You know this watch has magical powers. For example, it tells me you're not wearing any knickers" "Yes I am" shrieked the girl. Rabbie tapped the watch and said "Ach, It's 15 minutes fast....".    


    My new Thai girlfriend can reverse park. Hey, wait a moment.....!


    Did you hear about the bloke who got jailed for doing his Xmas shopping early. He was in the shop before it opened...


    What does Santa suffer from it he gets stuck in a chimney ? Claustrophobia.


    My career as a rock climber is going really well. I'm also taking a course on mattress making, so I have something to fall back on.


    If reincarnation really existed most men would come back as a spider. This is so they could finally hear a woman say "Oh my god it's huge"


    Why is having sex with your hubby a bit like eating brussells sprouts? It's not something you look forward to but at least you don't have to do it that often.


    A man's car was a writ off and and was covered with twigs, leaves, mud and blood. "What happened?" asked a mate. "I hit a lawyer" he replied. "That explains the blood, but what about the  twigs, leaves and mud?"  "Well, I had to chase him through a park"


    A man walks into a library and asks for a book on paranoia. The assistant beckons him closer, looks left and right, then whispers "They're behind you"  


    I'm presently reading the Chic Murray story and have came across this golden nugget of advice for anybody interested in stand up.

    "I think that story telling -- the telling of real yarns, fantastically tall stories -- is a lost art. I think to do it, you have to be a terrific liar, and there's a terrible shortage of even competent liars. I mean, the man is rare who can tell a tall tale and get away with it. You may know full well that he's a liar, but you enjoy it just the same. The great thing is to make a bond between you and the audience. It isn't what you say, but how you say it."    


    On the morning British Summer Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his willy with black shoe polish. I said to him "You better get your hearing checked -- you're supposed to turn your clock back" 


    A wife is in bed with her lover when she hears her husband's key in the door. "Stay still he'll be that drunk he won't notice you, she hisses. The husband slumps into bed. "Hey there are six feet in this bed?" he slurs. "There should only be four." "You've miscounted because you're drunk" the wife replies. "Get out of bed and count from over there" The husband stumbles out of bed and starts to count. "One, two, three, four-- Oh yeah you're right"


    Weekly Rant w/e 07 12 2013      


    An elderly couple are in a romantic mood. The old lady says "I remember when you used to kiss me all the time." So the man turns and kisses her on the cheek. The she says "You used to hold my hand" So the old man places his hand on hers. The old lady said "I also remember you used to nibble my neck"  The old man gets up and shuffles out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asks. "To find my teeth" He replies.    


    A blushing young man is buying condoms. The beautiful pharmacy assistant hands them over, asking "Have you ever worn one before?" "No," the young man whispers. So she takes one out and and slips it over her thumb. "You must make sure it's on tight," She explains. He still looks baffled, so she leads him to a buck room and undresses. "Slip it on, but be quick" She says. Within minutes it's over. "Are you sure you put the condom on securely?" the assistant asks. "Yes" the you man says, holding up him thumb to show her.       .  


    While at the physiatrist a bloke says to him "I don't suppose my inferiority complex is much compared to others......!"


    While sitting on the homeward bound Ryan plane ready for take off  at Tenerife the air hostess announced "We apologise for the delay, the pilot was worried about a noise coming from the engine. It's taken a while, but we'll soon be on our way, as we've found a new pilot!"


    I've just bought my wife a bottle of perfume for Christmas and I hope she likes it. It's called 'Ample'. Well it is now. I've rubbed the letter S off the front of the bottle.


    A customer in a Post Office was amazed to see a man spraying scent over a large pile of valentine cards. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied "I'm sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, guess who?" "Why do you want to do that?" She asked. "It's business" He answered "I'm a divorce lawyer"  


    After talking my husband into eating frogs legs he was hopping mad all week.


    A bloke rang a firm of solicitors called Smith, Smith & Smith and asked to speak to Mr. Smith. A voice said "Sorry he is in court all day today"  "OK can I speak to the second Mr Smith? "Sorry, he's on holiday" The bloke then asks "Can I speak to the third Mr. Smith?" The voice then says "Yes, Speaking" 


    What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire ? Frostbite

    News events are of course frequently discussed on the way into work. One woman on the bus into Glasgow yesterday was heard telling her pal: "Did you see that Saatchi guy claimed that his wife Nigella Lawson was off her head on drugs?" "You would have to be," replied her pal, "to wake up next to him in the morning."

    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rant w/e 30-11 2013



    St Peter is sitting at the pearly gates when two guys wearing hoodies and sagging pants arrive. Peter looks out through the gates and says "Wait here. I'll be right back. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for admission. God says !How many times do I have to tell you? "You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in. Peter goes back to the entrance, looks around, and let's out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says ""Well, they're gone" "The guys wearing the hoodies?" Asks God. "No, the pearly gates"    


    Woman say that me have it easy because we never experience child birth. How the hell do they think we got here.


    What do you call a durex filled with money? Johnny Cash


    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem,

    Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to

    slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take

    a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came

    home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."


    I've been waiting two weeks on a delivery of German sausages. I'm expecting the wurst.


    So Terry has finally moved to Hibs. He should do a good job there. After all It's a butcher they need to sort out all the mince they've been playing.


    What's gross misconduct ?  144 misdemeanours


    My mate took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage on his flight to Belfast......He lost his case !!! Haha!!

    A village idiot goes for a job at a chemical factory. The manager asks him: "Have you ever worked with chemicals before?" "Yes" replies the idiot. The manager then asks him. "What is nitrate?" The idiot scratches his head then answers " Well, I'll be hoping it's time-and-a-half"


    Did you hear about the French burglar who ran out of petrol as he made his getaway from  stealing paintings from the Louvre. He had no monet to buy degas to make the van gogh




    Weekly Rant w/e 23-11-2013


    When I was young my dad told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Unfortunately, the police call it Identity Theft. This was printed in the Diary of the Glasgow Herald


    I fell asleep at a party last night and some b*****d put a tea bag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental. Nobody treats me like a mug.


    A man is sitting at a bar on his own, staring into his drink. For a joke another drinker comes up and drains the man's glass. The first man bursts into tears. "Sorry mate" says the second bloke. "It was a joke, let me buy you another" The first man says "You don't understand, this has been the worst day of my life. I lost my job, my car was stolen, I lost my wallet on the train and when I got home my wife had left me. Finally, I come here to end it all and you turn up and drink my poison"


    A teacher said to his primary school class "Can anybody give me a sentence about a public servant" One boy put his hand up and said "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant" "No, no" The teacher said "Don't you know what pregnant means" "Yes" the boy replied "It means carrying a child"


    I had my eyes tested today. Afterwards the doctor said "Your eyes are in perfect condition" "Really" I replied, pulling out a picture of my wife I said "Then, how do you explain this" 


    I tried to join the British National Party over the phone and got through to a call centre in India.


    My statistic professor told me I was average. I told her. "That's mean" 


    A bloke just knocked on our front door. He was 3ft 3in tall. I looked down and said "Who are you?" he said "I'm the metre man"


    On the first day of college the Dean addressed the students. "The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to all female students" he continued "Any one caught breaking this rule will be fined £25 the first time, and £50 the second and third times. Any questions ?" One student piped up "How much for a season ticket?"


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants w/e 16-110-2013


    So, I got a job as the Queen's hairdresser. I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman said "Permit?" I said "No, I've just to take a bit off the back"


    I just invented a product that increases the size of your basement. I really hope it will be a big cellar.


    "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. "I do" is the longest.


    A doctor and a lawyer crash into each other on a country road. Neither is hurt but the cars are a mess. Seeing that the doctor is dazed, the lawyer offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts it gratefully, drinks deeply and then hands the hip flask back. The lawyer puts the flask in his pocket. "Aren't you having one?" the lawyer asks. "I'll have one later" says the lawyer "Once the police have gone" 


    A little boy noticed his father had a few grey hairs appearing on his head. "Why is that, Dad?" He asked. "It is because," explained his Dad, "Every time you do something bad and make me unhappy, one on my hairs turn white" The boy thought for a few moments and said "Granddad's hair is all white so  you must have been a really bad boy!"


    taken from Tam Cowan's Record Column

    When the world's tallest man (8 ft 3in.) got hitched to a woman half his height, I asked what she could possibly see in a bloke with size 28 feet. Well, it's true love. According to quite a few readers, he's nuts over her.  


    Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.


    A Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

    John Park Motherwell



    weekly rants w/e 09 11 2013


    Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter rubbish. I gave up mates, my motorbike, drinking and gambling. All she gave up was sex.


    "When I visited my doctor about my flatulence, he had already filled out a prescription for me....I think he must have got wind of it"

    I came home from the golf course today. My wife had left a note on the fridge:
    " IT 'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore ! " “ Gone to stay with my Mother. "
    I opened the fridge, ... the light came on and
    the beer was cold .............................................

    What the hell is she talking



    One day a mum noticed that when her son logged on to his favourite website he typed in a very long password. She asked him what it was and he replied "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto" She asked him why he used such a long password, "Because" He replied "It says your password must have at least four characters in it"


    My new girlfriend won't make love with the light on. The problem is I can't find her with the light off !.


    A man and a woman were driving along the same road in opposite directions. As they passed each other, the woman began waving her arms out of the window and yelled: "Pig" The bloke responded by leaning out of the window and shouting "Bitch!" Each continued on their way until the man rounded the next corner ..... and crashed into a huge porker in the middle of the road.    


    I was working in the supermarket last night when I bumped into the lady I've just started dating. I was busy re-arranging the washing powder in aisle seven when she said: "Oh you, I thought you told me you were a stunt pilot" To which I replied "No I didn't. I told you I was part of the Ariel display team"


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants w/e 01 11 2013


    An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottish man says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag" The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

    "someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "I think I'm being stalked"


    There's a famous street in Glasgow named after the Rangers board. It's called Rottenrow.


    "Fireworks are so expensive, so I actually make my own" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I've got a flare for it"


    Did you hear about the invisible man (I think his name was Peter Brady) he phoned the hospital to say he got the all clear."


    The Old Age Pensioner said to his pal "Just to spite Scottish Gas, If I die of hypothermia this winter I've arranged to be buried rather than cremated"


    My daughter Yvonne just called to say she has got tickets for Still Game next September. Yes 2014. I said "I might have popped my clogs by then" She replied "I wasn't worried about that, I was worried if Jack and Victor would still be here"  


     "Do you think hearing aid salesmen deliberately whisper to their customers?"


    A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming lady giving him the eye. In a casual manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both then walked walked up to the reception desk and booked in as man and wife. After a three day stay, he walked up to the desk and informed the receptionist he was checking out. The girl then presented him with a bill for £1,500. "There must be a mistake her" He protested "I have only been here for three days" "Yes" replied the clerk "But you wife has been here for a month"    


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rant w/e 26 10 2013


    Awards are like piles. Sooner or later every bum gets one.


    An elephant was drinking from a river when he saw a turtle asleep on a log. The jumbo went over and kicked it clean across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked the giraffe. "I recognised it at as the turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago" he replied "Wow what a memory!"  Said the giraffe. "Yes" said the elephant. "It's called turtle recall"


    "It's so long since I've had sex" Says Joan Rivers "I've forgotten who ties up whom"


    If you give up drink, woman and sex, you don't live longer. It just seems longer.


    A young woman hired by a store reported for work on her first day. The manager gave her a broom and told her to sweep up. "But, I'm a university graduate" She protested. "Oh, I'm sorry" said the manager. "I didn't know that. Give me the broom and I'll show you how"


    A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me" She said. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy I end up in bed with him, and afterwards I feel guilty and depressed for a week. "I see" nodded the psychiatrist. "And no doubt, you want me to strengthen you will power and resolve this situation" "For god's sake no." Exclaimed the woman "I want you to fix it that so that I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards" 


    Walking along the beach, I found a message in a bottle. After a bit of a struggle I got the top off and read the note It said "Do you always read other people's mail?" 


    Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em.


    SHAG: A funny word isn't it? To a smoker, it's a type of tobacco; To an American it's a type of dance; to an ornithologist, it's a bird. 


    What's small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish


    A blonde goes into an electrical store and asks to buy the television in the window. The salesman says he doesn't serve blondes. So she goes home to dye her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks to buy the TV -  again the assistant tells her he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated she goes home again to dye her hair bright red. The next day she returns to the store and asks a different assistant for the TV in the window. To her astonishment, this man also says he serve blondes. Angrily, she asks the assistant "How do you know I'm a blonde?" He looks at her and says "That's not a TV - It's a microwave" 


    John Park Motherwell


    Week ending 19 10 2013


    An airline offered a half fare rate for wife's accompanying husbands on business trips. The firm later sent letters to the wifes who went asking how they enjoyed it. Responses are still pouring in asking "What trip?"


    Have you heard about the bloke who went onto "e" bay and paid £169 for a penis enlarger. He received a magnifying glass.


    Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've
    found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


    A poem about Motherwell which I came across. It tickled my fancy.

    Motherwell stands on the river Clyde. Where thirty thousand Scots folk bide Some of the streets are paved in gold. Letters that tell of days of old

    These golden letters that tell all. Are set beside the old town hall Stories of steelworks, railways and pits. And other historic bits

    There really is a lot to tell. The ringing of the old town bell. Reminding us of joy and sorrow. Or wake up for work, prepare for tomorrow

    Trout swam in the river Clyde. Down by McGregor mill. Flax fields waved in Ladywell. And apple trees in Windmillhill

    Can you remember Tam the Leary?. He lit the lamps and made things cheery. Before the days of electric light. It was really very dark at night

    You are probably too young to know of these things. Time changes all, but memory clings. The passage of time is quite uncanny. If you don’t believe me ask your granny

    But how things change, for better or worse. Industry gone, now shops and commerce. Cleaner air now, less pollution. This is natural evolution

    The local authority is good to us. They have given us seats while we wait for a bus. You can park your car when you go by train. No parking fees, long may it remain

    The buses come and the buses go. Most go west to big city Glasgow. Very few for Edinburgh the capital city. Oh my goodness what a pity

    This is only part of the story. There’s plenty more, some of it gory. If you would like to know more of the days of old. Read the letters in the streets of gold"

    "I'm In serious trouble" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I got caught peeing in the shower today. Seemingly they frown on that in B&Q"


    Martha says to Morag in the queue to get into the slimming club "Where's your pal Liz"
    Morag said "Running late, as she's doon the toon hall giving blood,"
    "She'll do anything to be slimmer of the week," replied Martha.


    "My husband is really angry with me" Says a lady to her pal. "Why is that?" the pal asked. "He asked me if I would make a sex video with him. I said yes provided we do auditions for his part in it"


    John Park Motherwell



    weekly rants w/e 12 10 2013.



    Maggie Thatcher was noted for being completely humourless. Despite this she unknowingly came away came away with two of the best double entendre's ever. The first one was "Every Prime Minister should have a Willie" of course her Willie was Willie Whitelaw. The second time, she was once joined by Fergus Montgomery. Maggie said "You do look good today Fergus" Preening himself he said "Well I've just been to the hairdresser" With a straight face Maggie replied "I expect you've had a blow job as well"  


    As the bloke steps out of the shower he looks down and see a couple of grey hairs above his manhood. He says "I know you haven't been getting very much action recently, but I didn't think you were that worried about it"


    "How do you know when your girlfriend has put on too much weight?" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "You start asking your wife for sex"


    "I got thrown out of a singles bar last night" Says the bloke in the pub. "All I did was ordered a double"


    The village idiot pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning blonde. He smiles at her and winds his window down. She smiles back and winds her window down. The village Idiot says "Have you farted as well" 


    "I got a job as a human canon ball" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "Mind you, I didn't last long. I was fired on my first day"  


    I was telling my mate about my aggressive girlfriend and how I think she has too much of that male hormone "Testoblorone" He replied "Don't you mean testosterone" I said "I thought that then I found out she had been eating an awful lot of chocolate recently"  


    Man. United have dropped the name Red Devils. They will now be known as Port Talbot as they are now in between Cardiff and Swansea   


    The lady of the manor bought her husband a new hunting hat made of fox fur. A few weeks later, he said "I've  got an invitation for a shoot at Gleneagles" She said "Wear the fox hat" He replied "I think it's somewhere up in Perthshire" 


    False breasts are a giant turn-off


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rant 05 10 2013


    It was the postie's last day on the job after 40 years. At the first house on his route he received a large gift envelope. At the second house he was given a box of fine cigars. At the third house he was met at the door by a beautiful woman who blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced and then made him a giant breakfast. He then noticed a pound coin on the table "What's the pound for?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I told my husband that today would be your last day. He said 'screw him' give him a pound" "The breakfast was my idea"


    In Tam Cowan's Record column he recently asked for sheep jokes. The two that tickled my fancy were. Two sheep are walking along Sauchiehall street on a Saturday afternoon -- and it's mobbed. One turns to the other and says "Next time we're looking for somewhere quiet to shop, remind me never to ask a f****** lion"


    A bloke was driving along the road when his car broke down, as he was looking under the bonnet, a voice said "I think it's your carburettor" He looked into the field next the hard shoulder and saw a black and a white sheep. After fixing the problem, he drove on to the nearest service station and told the girl what had happened. "Was it a black or white sheep that talked to you?" She asked. "It was the black sheep" replied the bloke. "That was lucky" replied the girl "the white one knows f*** all about cars"     

    Back in the 50’s I was given a puppy for my 8th birthday. One day I was walking down the street with my new pup on a lead. Back then a lead was a piece of worn out washing line tied round the dog’s neck. Anyway, one of our neighbours came up to me and said “That’s a nice little dog you’ve got there John. What’s its name?” I replied “Askit” She lifted her hand gave me a skelp on the lug and said “You’re a cheeky we monkey” I said “I named it after my maw’s head ach powder”

    I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant.
    Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started........

    Is this the best Joke of the Year? One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
    He immediately goes to hell, where The devil is waiting for him.
    "I don't know what to do here,"
    Says the devil. "You are on my List, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
    So I'll tell you what I'm going to Do. I've got a couple of folks here Who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you Have to take their place. I'll even Let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded Pretty good, so the devil opened The door to the first room.
    In it was Ted Kennedy and a Large pool of water. Ted kept Diving in, and surfacing, empty
    Handed. Over, and over, and Over he dived in and surfaced With nothing. Such was his fate
    In hell. "No," George said. "I don't think So. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all Day long." The devil led him to the door of The next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge- Hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, Time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got This problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if All I could do was break rocks All day," commented George. The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his Arms tied over his head, and his
    Legs restrained in a spread-eagle Pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does Best. George looked at this in shocked Disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah Man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

    John Park Motherwell



    week ending 28/09/2013


    Mary and Milly have cracked open a bottle of red wine and are kicking back relaxing. "I enjoy a glass of red wine for its health benefits" Mary says sipping hers daintily. "Me too" Milly says, filling her empty glass. "I drink the first glass for my health, the second to improve my dance moves, and the third to make my husband more appealing when I get home"


    Three men are chatting over a pint. "So what's biggest achievement?" the first guy asks his mates. "Well...." the second guy says thoughtfully. "My willy was in the Guinness book of records last year" The first guy is seriously impressed, but asks "can anyone verify this?" "I can!" the third guy pipes up. "His willy was in the Guinness book of records -- until the librarian kicked him out of the library"   


    A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and there small children. "You all have obsessions" the doctor observed. To the first mother he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter candy. He turned to the second mother. "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny" To the third mother he said "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"  At this point, the fourth mother took her lad by the hand and said "Come on, Dick, let's get out of here" 


    "My mate is getting married and having the reception at McDonald's" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It will be his very last happy meal"


    The teacher asks Sam (a farmers son) why he wasn't at school yesterday. Sam says "The cow was in heat miss, I had to take it to the bull" "I'm sure your father could have done that" said the teacher. "Oh no" said Sam "It has to be the bull"


    A man is miserable about his 25-inch willy-It's too big, no woman will sleep with him. His doctor can't help, so he goes to a witch. She tells him about a frog that lives in the forest pond. "Ask the frog to marry you" she says  "Each time it says no your penis will shrink by five inches" The man finds the frog sitting on a log. "Will you marry me ?" he asks "No" the frog says. Instantly the man's willy shrinks by five inches. so he asks the frog again "Will you marry me ?""No" it snaps back irritably. The man's penis is now 15 inches. So he asks "Will you marry me ?" "How many times do I have to tell you?" the frog croaks "No, no, no" 


    A woman decides to have golfing lessons so she can tee off with her golf-mad husband. On the driving range, the pro says "You're griping the club too hard. Hold it gently, just as you would hold your husbands penis" The wife follows the advice and sends the ball down the fairway. "Better than I expected" The pro says "Now take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands" 


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants week ending 21 09 2013


    I knew there was something wrong with my marriage when we moved from Glasgow to Edinburgh. We still had the same Milkman.


    "I lent my pal £5,000 to get plastic surgery on his face" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like"


    Farmer Giles had such a sexy wife that no matter what he tried he couldn't keep his hands off her. So in the end he sacked them all. 


    My wife thought I had an obsession with the 60's pop group The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.


    On my first date with my new girlfriend I told her that the only thing I expected from her was that she enjoyed sex. She said "I love it. You can watch me anytime you want"


    Staring out of the front window, I said to the wife:- "It's times like this I wish we stayed abroad" "I know" she replied "The weather's terrible, Isn't it" "It's not the weather" I said "Your mother is heading up our drive" 


    A lady  says to the psychiatrist " I think that I might be a nymphomaniac" He says "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is £40 an hour" She says "That's fine Doc, How much for all night?"


    The other day I got arrested as as I left the supermarket. "I just forgot to put it back" I pleaded "It was an honest mistake I still got charged with indecent exposure" 


    A hooded robber burst into a bank and at gunpoint forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robbers approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing his face. Without a moments hesitation, the robber shot the customer. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot and killed and killed her also. Everybody in the bank, by now horrified, stared at the floor in silence. The robber yelled "Did anybody else see my face?" There was a long moment of deadly silence in which everybody was terrified to speak. Then one old man raised his hand and said "My wife got a pretty good look at you"   



    Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says:- "I'll have a pint of blood" The second says:- "That sounds good! I'll have the same" The third says:- "I'll have a pint of plasma" The barman says:- "Let me get this right: two bloods and a blood lite"


    "Sex with my new girlfriend is fantastic, she has a lovely body" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I can't understand why her husband hates her"


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants 14 09 2013


    Tom's wife was delighted when he told her he'd finally secured a job in the local bowling alley. "Ten pin?" she asked "no" replied Tom "It's permanent"


    "I got a letter in the post the other day." Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It said, 'do not bend' I thought, how am I going going to pick it up"  


    We're just back from Edinburgh after spending a couple of days at the fringe. While walking up the Royal Mile we went into the World's End pub for a refreshment. I said to the waitress "Isn't this the place where the two young girls were last seen alive back in the 80's?" "Yes" she replied "And I was working that night, they sat on the same seat you are sitting on just now" Liz whispered "Drink up I want to get out of here"  


    One night a farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's breasts and says "If these could give milk we could get rid of the cows" He then grabs her bum and says "If this could lay eggs we could get rid of the hens" She grabs his willy and says "If this worked properly we could get rid of the ploughman"


    I found an expensive Blackberry phone, so I rang the "home" phone number. A lady answered and I said "Hello, have you lost a Blackberry phone today/" She sighed in relief and said "Yes, I've been worried sick, have you found it?" "Yes, I have it here now" She said "isn't that great news" I said "Yes, but how do I get the camera to work?" 


    "My wife remarked, how proud the drivers were in our town in taking good care of their cars" said the bloke in the pub. She continued. "She often hears them testing their brakes behind her"


    A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are on their way to heaven. God told them the stairway was 1000 steps and on every fifth step he'd tell them a joke. But they must not laugh or else they couldn't enter heaven. The brunette went first and stated laughing on the 65th step so she could not enter heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter heaven. Then it was the blonde's turn . When she got to the 999th step she also started laughing "Why are you laughing?" God asked "I didn't tell a joke" "I know" replied the blonde "I just got your first one" 


    A bloke goes into the doctors and says:- "You have to help me Doc, I'm addicted to wife swapping" "Interesting" Says the Doc. "And how does your wife feel?" "Soft and curvy," Says the bloke "What about yours?" 


    Weekly Rants Saturday 11 08 2013


    THE argument about whether wine improves with age was being discussed at an Ayrshire golf club last week, where one member put up the argument: "Of course wine improves with age. The older you get, the more you like it." pinched from the Herald


    An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years. Upon her return home, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time ? Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line ! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer ol' mother thru ?" the girl, crying, replied, sniff....sniff.... "Dad, I was too embarrassed for I became a prostitute." Ye what ?!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy ! Sinner ! Ye're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are." "OK Daddy, as ye wish... I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, a cheque for 2 million pounds and the title deed to an eight bedroom mansion. For me little brother Shamus, this solid gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new limited edition convertible Mercedes parked out front plus a life membership to the Limerick Country Club." She takes a deep breath and continues, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" her father asked. The girl, crying again, said, sniff...sniff... "A prostitute Daddy." sniff...sniff. "Oh! Me goodness ! Ye scared me half to death girl ! I thought ye said ye had become a PROTESTANT ! Come here and give yer ol' Dad a big hug."

    A Russian football fan found his way on to the Motherwell Football Club forum and revealed: "Motherwell looks a little bit depressing on Google maps. "A Motherwell fan replied: "Possibly the most accurate comment ever made on this forum."

    Seemingly Frankie Boyle was on a one week hunger strike to show his support for the last British detainee at Guantanamo Bay. - He tweeted "Still not hungry enough to eat at Frankie and Benny's" Tam Cowan says he should pass the baton on to another hunger striker, comic Joe Brand. That'll keep the campaign going for about 20 weeks.


    "I recently lost my best pal and drinking partner" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "He got his finger caught in a ring"


    "I've said it before and I'll say it again" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I can't understand why people keep repeating themselves"


    Sid and his two friends were talking in the pub. His first friend says :- "I think my friend is having an affair with an electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under the bed"  His second friend say :- "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I found a wrench under our bed" Sid says :- " I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. I found a jockey under our bed" 


    Due to the economic crisis Greece is cancelling all production of hummus and taramasalata. It's in a double dip recession.


    Cliff Richard goes to an Old Folks home to entertain them but nobody seems to recognise him. He asks an old lady "Do you have any idea who I am?" She replies:- "Sorry dear, but if you ask the Matron over there she'll tell you"


    John Park Motherwell



    Weekly Rants

    20 07 2013


    In Tam Cowan's column in the record this week he says;- A guy chapped my door last night and asked if I could spare 5 minutes for an opinion poll "Sorry" I replied "My opinion is out at the moment. She's at her Mothers"


    Have a look at video footage of Motherwell in the 60's and 70's


    In Tam Cowan's record column a few weeks ago he talks about Bill Clinton being in Edinburgh last week. He then says "Anyone remember the last time he was in Scotland he had Monaca with him and they stayed at the Swallow hotel"


    Q:- What kind of pillar can't hold up a building? A:- A caterpillar


    Whenever I go up the street I tend to use the new car park which is opposite the Bently hotel. The other day on the car I parked next to the back suspension going up and down like a fiddler's elbow. Yes you've guessed it, there was a couple in the back seat hard at it. It reminded me of the copper who opened the door of a car doing the same thing and said I'm next. The guy in the car went into a cold sweat and the lady under him said what's the matter with you ? He said "I've never s*****d a policeman before".


    A Group of teddy bears were working down in the gold mines when they decided to put down their tools and take a break.  Returning from their break, they realised their pickaxes were missing. "What this?" said a teddy bear to the foreman. "Don't you know" said the foreman. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked"   


    "I'm due to start a new job tomorrow as a contortionist" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I only got the job on account of me being so flexible"


    "What a brilliant invention Sat Navs are" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I'd be lost without mine"


    Weekly rants 22 06 2013


    "I asked my wife what woman really want, and she said it was attentive lovers" Says the guy in the pub. He continued "Or maybe it was a 'a tent of lovers' I wasn't really listening" The Herald printed this joke of mine in their Diary on 24-06-2013


    Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6 ft 7 inch
    black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' "Mick asks: "Did you jump?"
    Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."


    My grandson Oliver has been picked to represent Scotland in a national judo competition. It's on the 6th of July in Wallsall. He's in the 13 year old age group, under 38 kg category.


    Dan was a single guy living at home, with his rich father working in the family business. When he found out his father had cancer and only had six months to live, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One day at an investment meeting, he came across the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He introduced himself and said "I may look like an ordinary guy, but in six months time my father will die and I'll inherit £200  Million. Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, Three weeks later she became his stepmother. 


    "I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbits feet, trying to get it up a hill" Says the bloke in the pub. I thought to myself "He's pushing his luck"


    A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on a African safari. One night, deep in the jungle, the wife woke up to find her mother gone. Waking her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and then went to look for her. In a clearing not far from camp, they come upon a chilling sight. The mother in law was backed up against a tree, and a large male gorilla stood facing her.   The wife cried "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" the husband replied "The gorilla got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it"


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants w/e 15 06 2013 


    An old cowboy sits in Starbucks with a coffee. A young woman sits next to him and asks "Are you a real cowboy?"  He says "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, so I guess I am a real cowboy" She says "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. When I shower I think about women. When I watch T.V. I think about women. I even think about women when I'm eating. Everything makes me think of women" A little while later a man sits down on the other side of the old cowboy, and asks "Are you a real cowboy?" He says "I always thought I was, but I've just found out that I'm a lesbian" 


    Whenever anyone spoke about my mum's dirty house and her lack of cleaning abilities she would say "Myra Hindley kept an immaculate house, if only I could be like her" A classic from comedienne Janey Godley


    After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…


    "When I was a boy my mum would send me to the shop with a quid and I'd come back with 5lb of potatoes, two loaves, three pints of milk, a lump of cheese, a box ot tea and a dozen eggs. You can't do that nowadays, too many CCTV cameras about. 


    A man standing in a shop sees a gorgeous blonde who he doesn't recognise staring at him. Then she walks over and says "Hi I think you're the father of one of my kids" The man thinks back to his one act of infidelity and says "You're the stripper I sha***d on my stag night do, while your pal whipped me" "No" she wails, embarrassed. "I'm your sons music teacher"   


    Weekly Rants w/e 25 05 2013 



    I did a stand up stint at the State Bar on Saturday night and it went down a treat. I can hardly believe this, but I've been booked to do a turn at a comedy night in Motherwell Civic Centre at the beginning of September. Really looking forward to it. Can't wait. a Face Book comment about my stint read. You were excellent John I really enjoyed your stories. And well done on getting a gig out of it.


    Tam Cowan wrote in his newspaper column on Wednesday "The male human body has seven trillion  nerves. My wife manages to get on every one of them" 


    "I always thought that my late grandad was a 'diesel fitter'" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It turns out he sold knickers on a market stall and that's what he used to shout out all day"


    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.


    Japanese couple having an argument. Husband says "Sukitaki!" Wife replies "Kowanini!" Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
    Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!" Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji!" And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese. Ya daft b*****d

    Scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove it, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight , talked excessively, became emotional, couldn't drive and refused to apologised when wrong.


    There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed of having a holiday in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money. So one day they came up with an idea. Each time they had sex they said they would put £20 in a piggy bank.   They bought a piggy bank, and followed that procedure for about a year.  After that time, they decided there would be enough money for their dream holiday and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said :- "Isn't that strange? each time we had sex, I put £20 into the piggy, but I can see loads of £50 notes in there" The wife said "Do you think everyone is as stingy as you"     


    ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''


    This was voted the funniest joke ever.

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


    Weekly Rants 18 05 2013


    Last Saturday night we went to a comedy show in Motherwell's Civic Centre. The headline act was a John Gillick. He was absolutely brilliant. His material was similar to mine and he told it with fluency. Anyway, I'm on in the State bar tomorrow night.


    Never argue with an idiot, they might be doing the same thing.

    A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."
    The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? " The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.... . He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running....."


    A couple take their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy some popcorn, the boy asks: "Mum, what's that long thing on the elephant?"   "That's the elephant's trunk dear" she replies. "No, mum down underneath"  His mother blushes and says "oh, that's nothing" The father returns and the mother goes of to get a coffee. The boy repeats his question. "That's the elephants trunk, son" "Dad, I known what a trunk is. The thing down there." "The father says:- "Oh that's the elephant's penis." "How come when I asked mum, she said it was nothing" The father replies "Well your mother is a very spoiled woman"   


    A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are washed up on a dessert island. They've been there for two years and are now homesick and totally desperate.  One morning they find a bottle on the beach. They open it up and find a message granting them one wish each.  The brunette says "I wish I was back in England"  Next thing she is in her favourite local in London enjoying an ice cold lager and a pub lunch with her hubby. The redhead says "I wish I was also back in England" Next thing she is in a park in the Midlands with her husband and kids enjoying a family picnic. The blonde says "I'm lonely I wish my mates were back here with me"  


    I think all infants should enjoy their infancy as much as adults enjoy their adultery.

    Have you ever been this drunk ?!/photo.php?v=498084753579725&set=vb.451367291584805&type=2&theater


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants



    A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's bin f*ckin my wife?".... a voice in the back shouts,
    "you don't have enough bullets".

    "So is your husband hard to please?" Asks the first lady. The second lady replied. "I don't know, I've never tried."

    I got off with a lovely girl at a club the other night. We danced, kissed and cuddled. During a slow dance I whispered in her ear to ask if she fancied coming back to my place. She said "I don't like to go too far on a first date" I said "It's okay love I only live round the corner" 


     Not that I'm a member but it does make interesting reading.



    The first couple to be seen together in bed on prime time T.V. were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.


    A plastic surgeon was asked if he'd ever been required to do anything unusual. "No" he replied. "But I have raised a few eyebrows" 


    A woman is at home in bed with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. The woman answers, has brief conversation and hangs up. "Who was that?" asks the man. "That was my husband" says the woman. "Oh no" says the man. "Calm down" says the woman. "He say's he's out playing cards with you" 


    Tommy Sheridan goes up to lost luggage at Glasgow Airport and says to the lady, "I am looking for my hold all" the lady replies " are you not in enough trouble"? !!!

    What do you call a Scot who has lost his dog?,-----Douglas


    "It doesn't matter what I do or say," I told the wife, "I'm always wrong in your eyes."
    "That's not true!" she said.


    weekly rant 04 40 2013E

    Scottish TV news presenter John MacKay took a brave pill yesterday and commented: "May Day is the time when you wash your face in the morning dew to make yourself beautiful. It seems no-one in the newsroom bothered."

    In Tam Cowan's Record column this week he talked about animal jokes. This reminded me of the following.

    This gorilla is strolling through the jungle. He starts to feel a bit randy and notices the bare rear end of a lion at the edge of a watering hole. Temptation over rules him. He runs down and gives the lion a good humping. The lion doesn’t notice at first as she continues drinking. But, just as the gorilla is finishing the lion turns round and  sees what’s happening. She lets out a viscous growl and the gorilla  takes to its heels followed by a very angry lion. The chase continues for a few miles and as the gorilla tires she reaches a clearing where there’s a chap sitting on a deck chair reading a paper with a cap and a pair of dark glasses. The fellow on seeing the gorilla gets out of the way leaving his belongings behind. The gorilla puts on the coat, cap and glasses, sits on the deck chair and starts reading the paper. Just then the lion comes running up and says “Have you seen a gorilla run by?” The gorilla says “The one that f**ked the lion down at the water hole?” “Bloody hell” Said the lion “It’s not in the paper already, is it?”

    A zebra went to heaven and was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he had any questions before he went in. The zebra said yes "I have always wondered whether I am black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" St. Peter then said well I really cannot answer that one for you. You'll have to ask God that. The zebra asked God the same question. "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" God replied, "You are what you are." The zebra returned to St.Peter and said he was more confused than ever. St. Peter asked him what God had said. The zebra replied, "He said you are what you are." St. Peter said, "You are white with black stripes." The zebra asked, "How can you tell?" St. Peter replied, "If you were black with white stripes he would have said, 'you is what you is'."

    DAFT gag of the week: "Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?" And she answer "To stop the snoring before it starts."

    My latest stand up rehearsal stint

    What was said about it on Janey Godley's face book page


    you're an aspirant entertainer!


    Keep going and keep getting stage time. Much respect. Janey.


    Janey is credited with being in the top ten women comedians in the U.K.


    How Irish dancing started.



     Weekly Rant 27 04 2013


    A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
    "Happy Anniversary Mum & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mum look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn't have time to shop for you". "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father, "and miserable ones at that.


    "How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "What difference does it make, they never get the house"


    "I took out my wife's parents for a cup of tea and a biscuit" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "They weren't very happy about giving a pint blood

    each first"


    In last Wednesday Record Tam Cowan asked for answers to the following "if the answer is 55 seconds what is the question?" I thought the best answer printed today was 'For how long were Tam Cowan and Michelle McManus a double television act'


    "My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out. When finally she swung open the door and asked:- "Tell me honestly do I look fat in this?" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I replied:- 'Yes love but, to be fair, It's a small bathroom'"   


    Joe said to Mike:- "My wife drives me round the bend" Mike replies:- "She should team up with my wife. She keeps me on the straight and narrow"


    Rant 19 04 2013


    Latest rants of mine are enclosed at address below.



    Say what you want about Maggie Thatcher but she created clause 22 prohibiting the teaching of homosexuality to children. I admire her for that.

    The story I like best about her was when she was at a large function after ordering a steak the head water said "And what about the vegetables?" She relied saying "They'll have the same as me"


    A wife treats her husband by taking him to a lap-dancing club for his birthday. The doorman says, ok Jim how's tricks? Wife asks "How does he know you?" Jim replies saying "er, I, play footy with him" Inside the barman says "usual Jim?" Jim says "Before you say owt, he's in the darts team in the local" Next a lap-dancer says "Hi Jim, d'ye want the special again?" Wife storm out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. Driver says "Bloody hell Jim, you've pulled a right minger this time"   


    I couldn't believe it when I saw a page head line in the paper today it read "Ikea to sell horse meat balls"


    "I got sacked today for downloading games onto the works computer and causing everything to crash" I told my friend. "That's a bit harsh "he replied. "They don't mess about at air-traffic control" I said.


    Husband to wife: "Honey, I've invited a friend home for supper." Wife: "What? are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal." Husband: "I know all that." Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend  home for supper?" Husband: "Because the poor fellow is thinking about getting married"


    It was exam time and John, who wasn't terribly bright, was determined to prove his teacher wrong and get at least one right answer on his chemistry test. The first question was, If H2O is water, what is H2O4? Triumphantly, John wrote down his answer  "For drinking, washing and cleaning" 



    Rant 12 04 2013


    We have just spent a most enjoyable holiday in Tenerife. Went to see a Meatloaf tribute called Paul Lee and he was awesome. Probably better than the real thing.


    Rachel calls her husband Mike into the bedroom. "Mike I want you to take off my blouse" She orders and Mike does as he's told.  "Good" Rachel says. "Now take off my bra and panties" Mike obeys. "Good" Rachel says. "Now don't let me catch you wearing any  of my clothes on again"  

    Phil walks out of the bathroom and into the bedroom….”Close the curtains” He shouts “Why?” his wife Kirsty asks. “I don’t want our neighbours to see me naked” Phil cries. “Trust me” Kirsty replies “If they see you naked, they’ll close their own curtains” 

    Comedian Mick Ferry wrote “Maggie [Margaret Thatcher] is now working on a plan to privatize Hell”


    "It's easy for me to make my wife prettier than what she actually is" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I just take my glasses off"


    A wife asked her husband "What do you like most about me, my cute pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and said  "I like your sense of humour"


    "I thought I had bought myself a pair of those talking shoes the other day" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "But when I got them home, they turned out to be hush puppies"

    Two guys are in bed together, and one says to the other:- “I don’t think much of this of this wife-swapping!”  

    An old man is working out in the gym when he spots a drop dead gorgeous young woman. Flexing his muscles, he asks the trainer:- “What machine should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?” The trainer looks him up and down and says:- “Try the cash-line on the outside of the door”


    Monthly Rant 03 2013


    My latest you tube clip



    An interesting article I came across recently




    "When the wife caught me in the act with a blow up doll I thought she would be furious". Said the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Instead she just made me inflate it until it was fatter than her"


    Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

    "Have you heard about the cowboy who works in the bank?" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "He's called 'the Loan Arranger' "


    This horse-meat 'carry on' doesn't want to go away. Tam Cowan said in his column he reckons it started in a Glasgow orphanage  when Oliver Twist asked:- "Please sir can I have some mare.....?"

    This farmer paid £3000 for a young black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. He was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that’s possible with a bull. The farmer called the vet and asked him to come and have a look at him. The vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave the farmer some pills to give to the bull once a day. Low and behold the bull started to service the cows within two days. The bull even broke through the fence and serviced the neighbours cows. He’s been at it with everything in sight. The farmer said “I don’t know what the heck is in the pills the vet supplied for him, but there’s a slight peppermint flavour from them”      

    Tam Ross sent me this. He said in the pub this afternoon that it wasn't good enough for my weekly rant but it is, it's absolutely brilliant.



    I've always taken Tim Vine as being the King of deadpan one liners but Milton Jones can't be far behind him. Go to youtube address below

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: This
    myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
    August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    Week ending 16/02/2013


    Two council workmen in a city park were toiling away. One would furiously dig a hole, then the other would come behind and quickly fill it in. They were both drenched in sweat. A man watching from a bench was so confused , he finally approached the first guy and said :- “What’s going on? You dig a hole and your mate comes behind you and fills it in again” The digger leans on his spade and says, “Oh I know this must look funny. But you see the, the lazy ass who plans the trees is off sick again today”  


    I'm hoping to do a five minute 'stand up' comedy stint at the Stand soon. After some practice this is what I've come up with. View on youtube at this link.



     Tell me what you think. I think there was a problem with the last address I posted



    You know you're getting old when 

    The other day I had to go to a garage in Orbiston Street to collect my daughter's car. My bus pass wouldn't work on the scanner. The bus driver picked it , and after examining it he told me it was damaged. Okay, I said I'll get off and walk it. "Go and sit down" said the driver "There's now way I'm putting an old fellow like you off my bus"


    Shocked I've just bought something from Tesco that still contains horse…….Glue!


    Plenty of people remain puzzled as to why the government prioritised pushing gay marriage through the commons at the expense of more pressing business. There were echoes of 1967, when members of the House of Lords voted to decriminalise homosexuality on the same day they rejected a Bill that would have outlawed badger baiting. Arthur Gore the 8th Earl of Arran and one of the sponsors of the Gay Rights Bill, was asked why peers had voted in favour of ending discrimination against homosexuals, but refused to support moves to prevent cruelty to badgers.  "There's not many badgers in the house of Lords" Arran Explained.      

    The recent RBS problems reminded a Herald reader of a butcher's shop in Dennistoun in the sixties which had a notice on the wall which stated "CREFDIT". It allowed him, of course, when a puzzled customer said there was no F in Credit, the butchers reply was: "Exactly".

    Two women are having a chat about sex. The first woman asks the second. "Do you ever look at your husbands face while you're having sex?" The second lady replies "Well I did once but he looked so so angry. Right enough he was standing outside looking through a window at the time"


    Week ending 09 02 2013


    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.     Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

    A woman moves rhythmically backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, then backwards and forwards again. Soon her heart begins to pound faster and her face flushes. Next she starts to grunt and groan and finally she lets out an almighty scream............."I can't park this damn car" 


    A husband is putting on his coat, so his wife asks "Where are you going?" "The doctors" He replies. Why? are you ill?" the wife inquires. "No" he says "I just want some of that Viagra everybody keeps talking about" "Then I'm coming too" she adds. "If you're going to use that rusty old old thing , I'll need a tetanus jab"


    "My ten year old son has started watching porn on the Internet" Says the bloke on the pub. He continued. "At least that's what I told the wife after she looked at our computer's browsing history"


    It's the seventh day of the newly weds' honeymoon and the young bride staggers exhausted down stairs to the hotel breakfast bar. "Goodness you look worn out" the waitress says. Then she whispers "But isn't your husband much older than you?" Surely he's not that active?" "Oh, he is active" the wife replies stifling a yawn. "I'm  22 and he's 76, but he pulled a fast one on me. when he said he'd been saving up for the last 50 years, I thought he meant his money"   


    Why do women want equality with men? you'd think they would set their sights higher than that.


    "Doctor, I think I'm going to die"  Doctor:- "Nonsense? ---  that's the last thing you're going to do!!"


    Did you read the article in the paper about the bloke who won the court battle to have his wife evicted from the house. The grounds for the case were that she was a man before their 20 year marriage. Thinking back over the scenario the bloke thought 'I should have known something was amiss not once did she ask me to put the toilet seat down'


    W/e 2/2/2013


    "I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table" I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


    An old lady accidentally drove through a hedge. A police man happened to be walking by and went over to her and said "You look rather old to be still driving" "Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore". "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't be needing this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"


    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

    A husband and wife were shopping in the supermarket. The husband picked up a case of lager and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife “They’re on special: only £10 for 24 cans” “Put them back, we can’t afford them” demanded the wife, and they carried on shopping. In the next aisle the wife picked up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” “It’s face cream to make me look beautiful” Replied the wife. “So do 24 cans of lager and they're half the price” the husband retorted.   

    Patient:- “I’ve got a big problem with flatulence, I mean I fart all the time” Doctor:- “Hmm”  Patient:- “My farts do not stink and you do not hear them. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted at least five times. You didn’t hear them and you can’t smell them either. Did you?”  Doctor:- “Hmm”  The Doc picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled:- “Great, will it really stop me from farting?” “No” sighs the medic “The prescription is to clear up your sinuses. I also want you to call back here next week for a hearing test”    

    Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
    His wife was standing nearby watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we 're married I think it
    it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what 's wrong?"
    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife. ”; "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" ”I wasn't! “;


    Weekly Rants  26 01 2013


    I'm hoping to do a five minute stand up comedy stint at the Stand soon. After some practice this is what I've come up with. View on youtube at this link.



     Tell me what you think.


    Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddad's is? A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school,
    daily, by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild. That night she told her parents that the ride to school
    with granny was very different!! "What made it different?" asked her parents: "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard,
    dickhead, Asian prick or wanker anywhere on the way to or from school today!'


    Have you heard about the bloke who's suing Tesco because he has been unknowingly eating horse meat for the last ten years. Top lawyers in the country say he's backing a winner.


    This Tesco horse meat thing has got a bit out of hand. A friend of mine John Richard tells me about a wireless program hosted by Kay Adams. Kay was taking telephone calls on this issue. One caller started to go into a rant. Kay raised her voice saying WOOW! WOOW! the caller stopped and started laughing. "That was an unintentional joke" said Kay.


    The punk rocker with a Walkman goes into the barbers shop and says ”hay man, cut my hair  man, and leave the earphones in or I’m dead, man”  A bit intrigued the barber proceeds to cut his hair however curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls the earphones of ” The punk rocker drops down dead. The barber lifts the earphones up, puts them to his ear, listens and hears Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in………

    Of course, horse meat being served up is nothing new. Herald reader Jim Hair in Dalry recalls: "My late father used to talk of post-war meat rationing. An enterprising butcher was able to source a supply of horse meat but after a few months one woman noted her husband was sprouting long hair down his back. "Obviously concerned, he set off to the doctors who prescribed some tablets. "'Will this stop me growing a mane?' the man asked. 'No,' says the doc, 'but it should stop you having a shite in the street.'"

    A trivia question from the paper that tickled my fancy

    What is the highland robber and freebooter James McPherson said to have done on the day he died on the gallows in Banff in 1701? Played the fiddle (McPherson's farewell - Robert Burns)


    Weekly Rants  19 01 2013


    During a long haul flight the captain switches to automatic pilot and says to the flight engineer "I'm going for a cup of coffee and then

    I'm going to see If I can have It off with that sexy new stewardess" However he has forgotten to switch the tanoy off and his words boom out over the speakers. All the passengers are aghast and an attractive stewardess runs up the Isle toward the cockpit. An old lady stops the stewardess and says "There's no need to hurry he's going to have coffee first"  


    Traces of Zebra were found today in Tesco's barcodes.


    I just bought a box of Tesco burgers...AND THEY'ER OFF!


    My mate ate a Tesco Burger, He's in the hospital but he's stable.


    Tesco's have changed the price of their burgers, They are now a fiver each way!


    Tesco Finest Aberdeen Angus Beefburgers Half Price! Hurry, this deal won't last furlong.


    I got done for speeding he other night while taking my grandson Oliver into his Wednesday night judo Training at the Palace of Arts in Glasgow. After the cops let me go I said to Oliver now I don't want you to mention this to your mum or your gran. Oliver replied "That must be worth a Fiver or even a tenner" The cheeky wee monkey.


    Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.


    "My dad used get me to put my pocket money in a special box under the stairs" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I was 16 before I found out it was the gas meter"

    An Ex-Lawyer, a Lesbian, a Pathological Liar, a Fraudster, and a Communist walk into a BAR. Bartender asks.... "What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"


    Weekly Rants w/e 12 01 2013


    It's around 350 years ago when witches were burned at the stake. I've just read an article that the reason this happened was that the clergy and their peers mis-interpretated a passage from the bible. Chapter 22, verse 18 book of Exodus demanded that no Christian 'should suffer a chenalph to live' They thought that a chenaph was a witch but it actually meant a poisoner.  


    One of my favourite singers of my youth was Kathy Kirby for more about her go to my web page here


    "Last week I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I thought 'that's aboriginal'"


    Dave and Tasha have been to a fancy dress party, on the road home they decide to take a short cut across a field still in their cow costume. "Oh No" Tasha gasps "There's a bull up ahead and he's heading our way!" "What shall we do?" Dave panics from the rear end of the outfit. "Well" Tasha replies, "since I'm in the front half, I'm going to pretend to eat some grass. In your case, I think you should brace yourself".  


    How to reject a chat up line.... Man 'Haven't we met before?' Woman 'Yes, I'm the receptionist at the local Sexual Transmitted Disease Clinic'  


    As the coffin is lowered at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:- "I'm not dead! let me out! " The vicar leans forward, shaking his head. "too late mate" He says "The paperwork's already been done"    


    How are young children expected to listen to their parents when, Cinderella stays out till midnight, Pinocchio tells lies, Aladdin hangs around with a bunch of thieves, Batman drives around at 300 m.p.h., Sleeping Beauty is just lazy cow and Snow White lives with seven men.


    I was sitting with my brother-in-law John Preston and the usual crowd in the club one Friday night through the holidays. About 11 pm John said  "My wife Janice was at a works night out earlier tonight and she's through in the function hall with our Liz. I wonder if she's started talking speaking Swaheli yet?" I couldn't resist taking the podium by saying "I wonder who she learned that language from"




    Weekly Rants w/e 05 01 2013



    Two old soldiers are having blether. The first one said “Do you remember years ago the authorities used to put bromide in our tea to stop us from having inappropriate sexual thoughts? Well, I think mine’s just starting to work”

    A bank robber was sent to prison but refused to tell the police where he had hidden the money.  A short time later his wife wrote to him to say it was time to plant the potatoes but now that he was inside there was no one to dig he back garden so she would have to do it herself. The robber wrote back to her saying “Don’t touch the back garden love cause that’s where I buried the loot”  A week later he got another letter from his  wife saying “You will never believe what happened yesterday, 30 policemen came round and dug up the full back garden, but they never found anything. The robber wrote back “Now you can plant the potatoes”

    When I read through a newspaper's 'best quotes of the year' this one 'tickled my fancy'.

    Rebekah Brooks told the Leveson Inquiry that she used to get loads of text messages from David Cameron signed L.O.L. David. The texts only stopped when she explained to David L.O.L. phrase actually meant "laugh out loud", not "lots of love".


    I re-heard a joke my father told yonks ago today. On the road outside Hartwood Hospital (or the loony bin as it was locally known) A patient said to this bloke "Why are you following that horse and gathering up it's shit" "It's for my rhubarb" replied the bloke. "We get custard with ours" the patient replied.


    A man and his young son are walking through a chemist shop. The lad picks up a packet on condoms and asks his father what they are. "When you're a bit older" replies the father "You can have fun with the girls wearing one of these" "How come some are in packets of 3 and some have 12 in the packet" asks the lad. The father replied "When you're courting a three pack does Friday Saturday and Sunday, but when you're married a 12 pack does January, February, March....."


    A testicular guard was first worn by a cricket player in 1874. Now it wasn't until 1974 until the first protective helmet was worn. Yes, it took man 100 years to realise the his brain also needed protection.


    "I'm having my wedding reception in McDonalds" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It will be my last ever Happy Meal"


    Did you hear about the Aberdonian who fainted when the collection plate was getting passed round the church. 49 of his pals helped to carry him outside. 


    Week ending 29 12 2012



    A caveman said to his pal "Today I'm going to teach my woman how to speak" His mate replied "Sure, what harm can it do ...."


    "What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral"? Asks the bloke in the Pub. He continued. "One less drunken Irishman"!


    I glanced over the football section in a daily newspaper and noticed that the manager of Hibs is called Pat Fenion. On the subject of appropriate or inappropriate names I can recall many years ago there was a bloke I worked with called Brian Damage. Now I ask what kind of parent would call one of his kids this. The fact that Brain Damage wasn't the brightest light bulb in the box didn't help him at all.  

     Two mounted police who are stopped at lights look down at this young lad on a push bike. One of them says, “Where did you get the bike son?” The lad replies “From Santa Clause” “Well I want you to write to Santa” says the cop with a smirk “And tell him you need a bell and a light for your bike” The kid then asks the cops “Where did you get the horses?” With another smirk the cop says “Oh they came from Santa too” “Well you should also write to Santa,” says the kid “Because on a horse the pricks are normally on the underside”

    John woke up after the office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the previous evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs where his wife put on some coffee in front of him. “Louise” he moaned “Tell me what happened last night, was it as bad as I think? “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete arse of yourself. You succeed in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the chairman of the company, to his face and he fired you” “Well, screw him” said John. “I did” she said. “You’re back at work after Christmas”

    A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana.'
    'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo.' She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.' She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book,' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: "Winnie the SHIT"

    Week ending 22 12 2012

    There was a little boy who was lost in a health club. Without knowing it, he soon ended up in the ladies locker room. The room of ladies burst into screams, with women grabbing towels and running for cover.  The boy was confused about what was happening, then asked: “What’s the matter? Have you never seen a little boy before?”

    A story in the Heralds diary today about watches reminds me of the time my wife and I were In Blackpool for the weekend. On the Saturday afternoon my wife bought two watches for £3 each. On the Sunday morning Liz noticed that her watch had stopped working. We promptly made our way back to the stall in Boney Street market. The stall was chock a bloc with shoppers when I said to the bloke behind the tables that the watch he sold us yesterday had stopped working. In a raised voice he said "There's a twenty year guarantee on all produce. Just pick another watch of your fancy"


    A man and a women meet at an office party and end up having a drunken snog. They end up back at her place and before they get down to business she goes and scrubs her hands and puts rubber gloves on. After they’ve done the deed, the bloke lies back and says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon aren’t you? “Yes” she replies “How did you know?” “Because of the way you scrubbed your hands and put gloves on before we did it, like it was an operation. “Well observed” she replied. “And I presume you’re an anaesthetist, aren’t you?” “Yes” he answered “How did you know?” “Because I didn’t feel a thing”


    I've just read in the paper that a bloke has been charged with stalking Nicola Sturgeon. Now I ask you who the hell would want to ...........


    Last Wednesday I walked over to Dalziel High around 5 pm to pick up my grandson from "after school" rugby class. When we were almost home Oliver said to me "Papa, will you stop picking up the pennies from the playground in front of my pals. If you really need the money we can go back when the school is closed and collect them"    


    In Tesco this afternoon Liz bought a Cookery book for a Xmas present. At the check out I lifted the book up and said "Jamie Oliver's 15 minute meals, but that's 10 minutes longer than It normally takes you to make the dinner Liz" The check out girl got a good belly laugh from my remark

    After having their 11th child, an Aberdonian couple decided that enough was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Aberdonian said, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He holds it up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.  



    weekly rant w/e 15 12 2012


    I read in the Record through the week that Tam Cowan has just passed his driving test. It reminded me of the time many years ago that my wife Liz failed her test for the fourth time. When I asked her what had happened she replied crying "I ran over a sheep" I said "What was a sheep doing on the main road? Liz replied "It wasn't on the road it was in a field"


    What is the only word in the English Dictionary that's spelt incorrectly yes, that's it incorrectly

    A woman out with her pals in Glasgow's west end was asked by them how she was coping with her husband being down in London on business for a week. "I'm in a deep depression," she explained. "Why's that?" asked a worried pal. "I'm sleeping on his side of the bed."

    I Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued.
    “Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the ‘No bombing’ sign isn't the done thing”

    A woman went to the doctor for a check-up and he recommended sex three times a week. She asked him to tell her husband who was patiently sitting in the waiting room. The woman’s husband asked the doctor:- “Which days doc?” The doc replied “How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?”  The husband replied “I can bring her Monday and Wednesday but on Friday she’ll have to take the bus”


    weekly Rants w/e 08 12 2012


    A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her. ”Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

    One of my latest cartoons

    The Managing Director of an international company was due to speak at a major convention, so nominated Robertson, one of his junior managers, to write him a really dynamic twenty-minute oration. Totally obsessed young Robertson slaved relentlessly at his task and eventually created a dynamic, innovative speech which he thought would be well received. Yes, he felt his boss would really like this one! Later, on returning from the convention, the M.D. was seething. “Why the hell did you write me a one hour speech?” he raged. “Half the audience began to walk out long before I’d finished. What a mess! Roberson was baffled. “But I did write you a twenty-minute speech, Sir!” he asserted. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for….”  

    A man and his second wife are at a dance. On the dance floor is an extremely elegant, beautiful woman who knows all the moves. First she waltzes and foxtrots, next she does a rumba followed by a break dance and a bit of moonwalking, then ends with a triple back flip. All the time she is smiling and clearly enjoying herself. The man turns to his new wife and says “See that woman? She divorced me five years ago” “I see” his wife replied. “It looks as if she’s still celebrating”  

    I said to my wife:- “I’ve got a problem” She replied:- “No, we have a problem, we’re a couple, we’re married, we’re a unit, your problem is my problem, we’re in this together, so what’s the problem?   “We got your sister pregnant!”


    A man is charged with indecent exposure in a supermarket, but pleads mitigating circumstances. "Well m'lud," he explains "When I heard 'strip down, facing me'" how was I to know the girl on the till was talking about my credit card"

    One by one, the managers of a company were called into the Managing Directors office until only the newest, most junior Manager was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be called. He walked into the office to find the M.D. and twelve senior Managers seated solemnly around a polished oak table.  Addressing the junior Manager the M.D. asked:- “Young man have you ever slept with Miss Slaven, the Company Secretary?” “What!! Certainly not” “Are you absolutely sure?” the M.D. persisted. “Absolutely. I swear I have never laid a finger on her” “And you would swear this on the Bible?” “Yes I would swear on the Bible I have never had a sexual relationship with Miss Slaven” “Good” nodded the M.D. “Then you can fire her”    

    Weekly Rants w/e 01 12 2012


    "A woman got wooden breast implants today" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It would be funny, if this joke had a punch line !!! Wooden Tit"


     I found it interesting to read about the aftermath of Phillip Scofield's Morning television gaffe showing the name of Lord McAlpine in connection with child abuse claims. This gets picked up by twitter and Alan Davies and Sally Belcrow get picked out by McAlpine lawyers as having the collateral to make a law suit worthwhile. What a load of codswallop.  I don't think this would get the time of day from any Legal Beak. What do you think ?


    "My doctor told me to avoid saturated fat" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "So I stopped having sex with the wife in the shower"


    Why are married women heavier than single girls?. Single girls get home home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women get home get home, see what's in the bed and then go to the fridge.


    I've just read in the paper about the bloke who recently found out that his wife of 19 years used to be a bloke. "I thought she was all woman" said the bloke "Perhaps I should have realised something was amiss as she didn't like doing cleaning and ironing"


    A WOMAN was flying from  Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way.
    The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the
    plane would re-board 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her
    as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of
    her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached
    her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in  Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch
    your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.' Picture this:
    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
    with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but
    they were trying to change airlines! True story... Have a great day.



    for a really funny advert go to the link below


    "I've just received a blank text from my wife" Said the bloke in the pub. He continued "I guess she's still not talking to me"  Published in the Ken Smith's Herald diary page today 29 11 2012

    She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, 'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
    Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 - you have to be single and #2 - you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK,' the nun says, 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is Keith and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
    The old ones are the best

    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rants 24/11/2012


    "Our next door neighbours are so noisy I sent my husband in to tell them one of his jokes" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "His jokes are always followed by complete silence" 


    A man with suspected prostate cancer decides he doesn't want ugly and rude Western nurses fiddling around with his bits, so he goes to Phuket where all
    the nurses are gorgeous and live to serve their men. Sure enough, at the Thai medical centre, a beautiful nurse asks him to
    remove his bottom half and lie on his side on the couch, so she can 'inspect' him. As he hears the snap of latex gloves and the nurse warns him: "It's not
    unusual to get an erection at this point". "An erection?", the man exclaims. "Nothing was further from my mind!" "Not you, me", says the nurse...

    Glasgow Granny's lingo. Allan Morrison has published a book called "Haud ma Chips, Au've drapped the Wean" the ones that caught my eye were "He jist woke up deid" He died in his sleep  "Wan more clean shirt wull dae him" It will not be long before he dies. "Pit yer troubles in a pocket wi a hole in it" Forget your problem. The older they are the better they get.



    When I was in the Miners Club on Friday night and the subject of wheelbarrows cropped up. I told the story about the time we had just moved into our first house. It was in the middle of a Barrett building site. I was in the garden moving soil about. When my next door neighbour came over I said to him "It would be handy if I had a wheelbarrow. Jim Tunnock was from the Bridgton area of Glasgow. "A wheelbarrow" said Jim "no problem" Jim headed to the back of a half built house and appeared with an empty wheelbarrow. However along walked a foreman who instructed Jim to move a pile of bricks. Half an hour later he came round my back with the barrow full of bricks and the sweat dripping of his chin. He had moved off with the last load from the pile before the foreman took his eyes off him. 


    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!”


    My grandson Oliver came in from school the other day and said "Papa I got 94% in my maths exam. Where do I my intelligence from?" I replied "It must be your gran because I've still got mine"


    I've just read in the paper about a kid who has a rare condition called Angelman Syndrome. This means the person can't stop laughing. I've been googling It all week to see if there's an inducement potent I can put in my brother in-law, John Preston's drink before I tell him a joke.


    I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
    Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

    The wife's back on the warpath again, she was up for making a home movie
    last night, all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


    Weekly Rants w/e 17/11/2012


    Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies.
    "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days."

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America and bragged
    that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day
    he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
       Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
       The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, fill the washing machine and call a landscaper.


    A woman opens her friend's fridge and finds a picture of a slender, scantily clad woman. She asks "What's this?" Her pal replies "Oh, I put it in there to remind me not to over eat" The woman asks "Does it work?" Her pal replies "Yes and no. I've lost 15 lbs but my husband has gained 20"  


    "Sorry for your loss" I said as the woman walked into the funeral directors. She laughed saying "I'm only here delivering a parcel" I replied "I know, but your van's just been nicked"  


    On Allan Carr's show he said "Have you heard the latest on Jimmy Savile they say he suffered from Necrophilia"  Allan Carr then said I think they should erect a new tombstone saying 'go  f**k yourself'. Allan also had the "x" factor panellists on. Now his custom is initially to give all his guests a drink from his mobile mini-bar. When it came to Garry Barlow's turn Allan took out a small bottle of listerine and gave it to Garry in a glass saying I want you to wash your mouth out with this after all the bad things you've said about Rylan. 


    When Frankie Boyle was on the Jonathon Ross show recently. Frankie was asked if he had ever been to a swingers party. "Yes" replied Frankie "I throw my car keys

    into the middle of the floor. When this big fat ugly burd picked them up I said "Just keep the f*****g car"


    I was in the Railway Tavern the other day and when I looked up at the entertainment board It said Sat. 10th November live music by S.T.D. Can you imagine girlfriend to boyfriend "Where are you taking to tonight darling?"  "I'm taking you to watch Sexually Transmitted Disease"


    Bill was filling an application for a job. He promptly filled in the the columns titled name, age and address. Then he turned to the column "sex" and was not sure what to put there. After much thought he wrote twice a week. The job centre told him that he'd filled it in wrong. What they wanted was it to be filled in "male or female" Bill thought for a while before coming up with the answer :- "preferably females" 


    We stayed the night in Aberdeen recently. As I walked by the hotel reception I picked up a Press and Journal thinking to myself I'll read up on the local news. When I opened up the paper there was mug shot of Jim Sweeny grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Jim Stays close to me in Motherwell. At first I thought to myself Isn't it amazing the lengths some people will go for a bit of publicity. Jim had also done an excellent write up on national funding of youth work projects.




    Weekly Rants w/w 10/11/2012


    David Rafferty who owns Aqua Energy Paisley owes me £1460 and will not pay me for no justifiable reason. I did  drawings for nine steel base frames which were required to mount the water pressure jetting equipment to. Now David is telling me he can't read the drawings and therefore is not paying me for the last three units I did. I found David Lafferty both dishonest and deceitful in his handling of this matter. So It's Hamilton small claims court next.


    This couple are strolling around a shopping mall. She gets her eye on a pair of shoes. He defiantly said no way. Later on just after they go to bed he suggestively snuggles into her. She pushes him away saying. "If you can't shoe the horse you can't mount it" I told this joke last night then told the folk that it must be one of the oldest jokes in my repertoire. saying I had first heard it in the school playground, a young lady said 'it must have been some school you went to' I replied "Yes It was" I replied "After all It was approved"



    Taken from the Heralds Diary

    DAD'S Army actor Clive Dunn has sadly died. We remember him recounting that after the war he began his stage career – singing, dancing, telling jokes, acting, all for £8 a week. Clive added: "I found out that the washer-up at the theatre was getting £12 a week. It was Les Dawson. I could only deduce that his washing-up was funnier than my comedy act."


    liz and I were talking to our next door neighbour, Christine the other day. Liz was telling Christine that she was giving our dog Sammy extra strong calms tablets because Sammy gets nervous when fireworks go off. I piped in saying "the sedating tablets don't work, I crunched two of the tablets up and put them in Liz's tea this morning and, look she's just the same" Liz snarled saying "you better not have"   


    Two blondes were driving down the road. The one driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if the indicator is working. She looks out of the window and says "Yes. No. Yes. No._ _ _ _"  


    "My mate and I had planned to go to a fancy dress party as a pair of breasts" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "He didn't turn up. I looked like a right tit"



    "The thrill is gone from our marriage" Peter told Alex. Alex suggested having an affair. "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Peter. "Heck, this is a new age just tell her" Said Alex. So Peter said "Dear, I think an affair would bring us closer together" "Forget it" said his wife "I've tried that, it didn't work" 


    The slimming club notice said it was cancelled. Somebody wrote at the bottom:- scales broken.


    It’s outrageous.

    My family is

    losing child

    benefit just for

    earning £100K


     The above was a page headline in the Daily Mail the other day. The journalist was Angela Epstein. Let me tell you something Angela benefits are for people who need them. You don’t so ‘shut the f*** up’.  


    "I asked my wife to pass me a newspaper" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "She said why don't you use my Ipad? The fly never knew what hit it"



    A bloke went into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me three double vodkas" The barman said "blimey you "must have had one hell of a day" "Yes" replied the "I've just found out my older brother is gay" The next day the same bloke walks into the bar and asks for the same drinks. When the barman asks what the problem is today, the answer came back. "I've just found out my younger brother is also gay" On the third day the bloke came into the bar and ordered another three vodkas. the barman said "Hey mate does anybody in you family like women?" "Yeah" He replied "My wife"



    "I made a big mistake in my youth" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "Now I wake up with her every morning" After posting this on facebook I received the following comment "This Isn't a joke. It is a true story, as It actually happened to me"


    John Park Motherwell


    Weekly Rant 27 10 2012




    I particularly liked the article in the paper the other day about Richard Herman who became fed up receiving sales calls about compensation for Payment Protection Insurance. When the phone rang again he warned them that if this happened again he would be sending them an Invoice at £10 a minute for his time. Sure enough a few days later the phone went so he sent them an invoice. At first the company denied calling him so he advised them that he had recorded the call and if they didn't pay up he would be taking the matter to the small claims court. He then got a cheque in from them for the full amount plus expenses.


    "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" Always seems a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me. 



    First year, Motherwell ‘Dalziel High’ Schoolboy wins a British Judo Championship Gold Medal. Eleven year old Oliver Park trounced all opposition at Sheffield last Saturday to come home with the top accolade in the under 13 years of age/under 34kg category. Oliver also won the Scottish judo championship at Meadowbank a few weeks ago. His grandfather and mentor John Park won the same Scottish title 50 years ago in 1962. John, ended his judo career a notable black belt 2nd Dan. Oliver trains at the Kokoro judo club in the Motherwell’s Forgewood community centre on Tuesday and Friday nights from 6.30 to 8.00 pm. He also works out at Larkhall judo club and the Judo Scotland Institute sessions held at the Palace of Arts in Glasgow.


    This is the article the Motherwell Times wouldn't print. However it was Printed in the Wishaw Press and Hamilton Advertiser.




    Mobile phone stories


    There was a batch of these in the paper the other day and this was definitely the funniest. A Bristol woman in her late 20's claimed that the vibration function in Blackberry Bold 9900 stopped working while she was using it as a "Sex Toy"


    Naked rambler Stephen Gough got lifted again for walking through the small West Yorkshire village of Hebden Bridge. Now, what a lot of people don't know is Hebden Bridge is the Lesbian capital of Britain. Police say they received over a hundred calls of complaint regarding the naked rambler.


    An old lady phoned the police and said :- "There's a sandwich lying hear with two wires sticking out of it. I think It could be a bomb" the policeman asked "Is it ticking?" The old lady took a closer look and said: - "No, I think It's ham"


    weekly rant 27 10 2012


    We went to see Charlie Landsburgh in the Motherwell Civic last Saturday night. Between his songs he tells funny stories. One of them that I recall is about the two old ladies having morning coffee in Scoffs. One says to the other "Madge you've got a suppository in your ear" Madge replied "Now I know where the ear piece for my hearing aid is"


    A bloke is being interviewed for a job. The boss tells him "This job requires someone highly responsible" The interviewee replies "Then I'm your man, sir, In my current position, whenever, anything goes wrong, I'm always held responsible!".



    I've just read extracts about the Bloody history of Edinburgh by Geoff Holder. According to the book it should have been called Auld Bloody Reekie. The Duke of Queensberry's psychopathic son was kept locked up for other peoples safety. One day he escaped, when Queensberry got home from parliament his son had murdered a kitchen lad and spit roasted him. The fire over which the scullion was cooked can still be seen in the Donald Dewar writing room in the Scottish Parliament.

    There was another story about a merchant in the city William Bennison . He got fed up with his second wife so he put arsenic in the morning porridge. Later in the day he forgot about the arsenic and gave the left over porridge to the dog.  After the deaths his neighbours became suspicious and went to the constabulary. 20,000 people gathered to see his hanging.


    Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
    "Windows frozen."
    Husband texts back:
    "pour some lukewarm water over it."
    Wife texts back:
    "computer completely f****d now."


    What do you make of Frankie Boyle, making an announcement to the jury the day before they were due to decide on judgement that if he was awarded damages he would give it to charity. What else could the jury do but come out in his favour. He's as fly as bunch of monkeys. Anyway I don't think he's racist and the decision was correct.


    A fat girl is walking past a pet shop when a parrot shouts "OI YOU!" she says "What?" The parrot shouts "your a fat ugly bastard!" She storms away fuming with anger! The next day it happens again! so she goes into the shop and tells the owner if it happens again she's going to phone the police! The next morning she swaggers by and the parrot shouts "OI YOU!" The girl says "What?" The parrot shouts "You fucking know what!"



    "My wife is a suicide blonde" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Dyed by her own hand"


    Week ending 12 10 2012


    We're just back from Sheffield Where our grandson Oliver won a British Judo championship gold medal at his age/weight category. Absolutely brilliant. More details with winning fight video to follow. See his winning fight below.



    I thought my wife Liz was maybe becoming a little deaf in her latter years so I decided to do a test. While she was washing the dishes I stood about 20 feet behind her and said "Liz, can you hear me?" there was no answer so I moved forward  by 10 feet, and repeated the question but it was still the same. So I moved right  at her back and asked again. Liz said "For the third time yes I can hear you loud and clear" 



    On a recent bank hold up -- the robbers were a gorilla, a rhino, ostrich and a hippo. (The gorilla drove the get away car) The police are appealing for information from the public. Unfortunately, no one give a proper description because, the chief cashier said:- "They all had stockings over their heads"




    After telling a joke on holiday with my wife Liz and grandson Oliver.


    After reading the "Top belly Ticklers" in the Daily Star the other day the one that stuck out was "For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk  -- but very very slowly" by John Bishop


    Young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe you" Joe said. "You're the first one" Sarah replied" "The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked. "No silly" she replied. "The first one to believe me"


    A Love Story. kinda Brings a Tear to your eye !
    A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.  As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."****


    An old one taken from the Heralds' Diary. At a golden wedding celebratory party the husband told the guests that, as a young man, every time he brought home a girl to meet his mother, his mother didn't like her. So, finally, he started searching until he found a girl who not only looked like his mother and acted like his mother, she even sounded like his mother. So he brought her home one night to have dinner, and his father didn't like her.

    After a night in a hotel a lady is at the desk booking out. She is presented with a bill for £500 When she complains to the manager he says “This is a five star hotel with every possible facility ie gym, running track, sauna, steam room everything you could ask for” “But I didn’t use any of these facilities” “That’s not my fault replied the Manager. They were available for your use” When the lady made out the cheque she wrote on it £500 less £250 for having sex with me” When the manager looked at it he said, ”But I didn’t have sex with you” She replied I was available It’s not my fault you didn’t do it”



    weekly rants 05 10 2012


    The other day my mobile used up £10 without me making a call. I phoned vodafone and it tuned out I've been the victim of a scam. A company sent me a text and by opening it up I signed on for text ring call or something like that. The company was a four digit name starting with a Z. So the message is do not open a text unless you know the sender. 



    My Grandson Oliver recently became the Scottish Judo Champion. Oliver is only 11 years of age and he won the title in the under 13 category at the weight of under 34 kg. I won the the same title 50 years ago in 1962. Click on the link below to see Oliver's winning fight. You may have to click on my name in the top right hand side of the screen and scroll down until you see the photo of the start of the fight. The click on the arrow to watch.!/john.park.31586526



    A local Author has brought out a Scottish version of the 'mummy porn' book. It's called Fifty Shades of Glasgow. One of the paragraphs starts out:- Her excitement grew -- the last time she was wrestled to the ground and handcuffed was after getting caught shoplifting in Primark.


    Two old blokes were sitting on a park bench. The older fellow says “It’s my ninetieth birthday today. The younger, seventy year old says. “Ninety years of age!! I wouldn’t want to live to that age.” “When you get to eighty nine years of age” says the older pensioner “You’ll be hoping you live to you’re ninety”

    A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
    "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school Dad." .. Robot slaps the son !
    "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friends house !" the son says. "What DVD?" asks the father.
    "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again ! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
    "What !? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad !
    Mum laughs: "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mum! Then an awkward silence....

    A woman was complaining to her neighbour about her husband was always home late from the pub. "Take my advice, love" said the neighbour. "Do what I did. My hubby used to be the same but one night I just called out: 'Is that you, Jim?'" "How did that work?" asked the neighbour. She replied "His name is Bill"


    One of my favourite stand ups' is Joan Rivers. She said "The best thing I like about weddings is the sex. Because once you get married, you don't have to have it any more"


    Weekly Rants


    The Queen has spoken out about her disgust that the Authorities in this country can't deport 'hook hands' Abu Hamza. Good on you Mam.  But, seemingly the police have arrested him several times but he keeps slipping out of the handcuffs.


    this is a Stand Up Comic we heard the last time we were on holiday in Tenerife


    A rookie PC on night duty hiked 20 minutes up a hill to investigate a 'suspicious light' at a dogging 'hot spot' only to report back that it was....the moon.


    JJB Sports are going into administration. The guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show now face a generation without evening wear.


    "Today I saw a sign that made me piss myself" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It read Toilets Closed"


    What gets longer when pulled, fits between a woman's boobs, inserts neatly into a hole, and works best when jerked. A seatbelt.



    Weekly Rants 31 08 2012


    "A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually"

    A woman standing at the bus stop with a five year old son says “when the bus comes tell the driver you’re four years old” “But mother I’m five years old” says the lad. “But if you tell him you’re four you don’t have pay a fare” Explained the mother. The bus comes “How old are you sonny? asks the driver. “I’m four” the boy replies “And when will you be five?” enquires the driver “When I step off this bus” replies the lad.   

    Husband "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me"

    Wife "What makes you think I'd want another man like you"


    Poor Prince Harry he's in a no win situation. First of all he wears a Nazi uniform and he gets blasted by the media. He takes the uniform off and he gets blasted even more.


    "I think gay folk should be forced to marry" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Why should they be exempt from all the suffering"


    "I haven't been the same since my wife left me" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I used to be a right miserable b*****d"


    Weekly Rants 24 08 2012


    This week's Tam Cowan's Record column had this one in it. There was an article in the paper about an Australian swimmer got fined 1500 dollars for riding a whale. Lenny Hendry commented "I hope they don't take old offences into account"



    Exactly nine years ago we bought Sarah our granddaughter a dog for her eight birthday. The dog is called Sammy and we've been left to look after it. Two months ago Sarah came round with a cat which her friends mum didn't want. Yes, you've guessed it now sleeps in our porch beside the dog. I have just found out that when Sammy thinks there's nobody watching she butts the cat with her head. When I think back we bought Sammy from a Glasgow breeder, so the 'Glasgow Kiss' must be in the animal genes as well.


    A lady with a Celtic top on goes into a Rangers pub. While standing at the bar a guy with a Rangers top on starts chatting her up. They get on like a house on fire and when 'last orders' bell goes the Rangers supporter asks her back to his place. "Sorry" Says the female Celtic supporter "You're not in my league"  


    I've just read a newspaper article saying that a recent survey has estimated that 250,00 car accidents are caused by drivers ogling short skirted sexy female pedestrians. This reminded me of this one. A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the building site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!" The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"


    A recent piece in the Herald's diary page about nick names reminds me of this one.  

    1st bloke :- “I’ve got a new nick name for my wife. I now call her three horses.”

    2nd Bloke “Why do you call her that?”

    1st bloke :- “All she does all day is nag nag nag.”


    Weekly Rant 17 08 2012


    We went to see Frankie Boyle on Wednesday Night. Decided to walk from the central station up to the Stand comedy club. While walking along Woodland Road Liz pointed to a small monument and asked me what it represented. I told her it was Lobby Dosser's and his two legged horse called Elfie. He was a cartoon character created by Bud Neill back in the 40's and 50's. "See you" replied Liz "you know everything" Anyway Frankie was his usual self. "The M'cann parents" he said "They don't realise that Maddie is an anagram of I'm dead"  He also reminded us of the trouble he got into with Jordan. "Katie Price reminds me of Marmite" He said "Half the population don't like It and the other half only like it's on the end of a knife"



    A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
    "Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
    Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"
    So, they walked past it again...

    Dear John

    I am delighted to tell you that your Rude Joke has been chosen for publication in that’s life! magazine, and appears in Issue 34, on sale this Thursday, 16th August 2012. Your cheque will follow in approximately four weeks.

    Many thanks;

    Yours sincerely

    Rosie Howell

    Readers' Service Department

    And the joke was

     This bloke who’s next to see the Doc. is patiently sitting in the waiting room. All of a sudden the surgery door is flung open and a young lady runs out screaming “I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant” When the bloke enters the doctors room he says  ”That was Mary Smith from the bottom of my street. Is she really pregnant? “  “No” says the medic “But it’s sure cured her hiccups”




    Weekly rant 10 08 2012


    We were at the Edinburgh Fringe last weekend. On the Monday afternoon we were sitting in the World's End pub having a drink. This is Ian Rankin's local. A couple came and sat at the next table. We started chatting about the shows we had been to. Liz told them we were at the City Cafe last night to watch a batch of stand up comics. I like comedy said the girl, who was the best comic ?. Liz pointed to me and said "him my husband" Seemingly back in 1977 a couple of young girls were last seen alive in the World's End pub. When the waitress told us that we were sitting in the same seats as they had Liz said "drink up I want to go"


    There was about 50/60 people at the gig and I got the biggest applause out of the six of us. The biggest laugh I got was when Liz shouted up to hold the microphone closer to my mouth and I said "Bloody hell we've been married for 40 years and that's the first time she's asked me to speak up" The audience went into hysterics. After it was finished half a dozen people from audience the came up and told me I was brilliant. It gives one a great feeling.


    "I hear that 150,00 condoms were given to Olympic athletes" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Anyone know when the event is coming on the telly?"


    On her  first day in the job the dizzy secretary picked up the phone and said:- 'get me some coffee' The voice on the other end shouted :- 'you Idiot you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?'  'No' replied the secretary 'I'm the managing Director' Screamed the voice. 'And do you know who you're talking to?' asked the secretary. 'No' I don't' barked the voice. 'Thank goodness for that' replied the secretary as she hung up the phone. 


    Weekly rant 03 08 12


    I've applied for a stint on a new John Bishop T.V. show called 'Only Joking'. Have a look at the video clip below and tell me what you think.



    We watched 'Old Jews Telling Jokes' on the telly last night. The gag that comes to mind is the one about the bloke that goes to the Rabbi and says "I think my wife is trying to poison me" "Leave it with me" Says the Rabbi. The next day the Rabbi goes to see the bloke and says "I spend two hours talking to your wife this morning and my advice to you is 'take the poison'"  


    The pub at the end of the road where I stay got held up last Sunday night. The Brass Button is one of those pubs where you have to finish your drink before you go to the toilet, If you don't it'll get drunk before you get back. When there's a full moon the owner has to remove all the bottles of spirits from the shelves. Seemingly a bloke ran into the place, tried to get into the the till and was grabbed by a couple of regulars. What else could one ask for, out for a quiet drink and you get live entertainment in a game of cops and robbers.   


    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example, the other day, My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in
    there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, ... there was a copper writing out a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, how about giving a OAP a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres. So my wife called him a s..t head. He finished the
    second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
    This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
    Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
    It's important at our age.


    Some of Tam Cowan's stuff in the Record last week was Funny. Read the three jokes below.


    The Naked Rambler? Even Michael Mone has accused him of being an attention-seeker.


    "My wife's got an hourglass figure" Say's the the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It takes her 60 minutes to get her knickers over her arse"


    "I think gay couples should be forced to get married" Say's the bloke in the pub. He continued "Why should they be exempt from the suffering" 


    An elderly gentleman enters hairdressers for hair cut sits down and stylist puts a gown over him to protect his cloths. Short back and sides the man says so the hairdresser sets to work. As she is cutting she notices the man shuffling his hand under the gown and tries to distract him with conversation but he continues to shuffle his hand under the gown. The hairdresser gets angry at the mans vulgar gerking and lifts a hair drier and hits the man over the head calling him a f--king pervert and ripped off the gown to reveal the man cleaning his glasses. yes the oldies are the best.


    weekly rant 20 07 2012


    Just back from a holiday in Tenerife. Rather than go through a travel agent, I booked the flight and hotel separately. While 'on line' to the hotel 

    I noticed that their was a 12.5 % discount for people over 60. And on the other side of the screen one got the same discount if you were on honeymoon      

    After playing about with the key board I discovered that if you hold down the 'ctrl' key the tick stays on in both boxes. Now that's what you call a bargain.

    About four hours after arriving at the hotel I said to Liz "These receptionists are looking at us in a peculiar way. From now on every time we walk through the reception area we'll holds hands. Liz immediately replied "What if we meet some body we know?"  "Don't be silly" I replied "We're over 3000 miles away from Motherwell" So half an hour later we're walking by the reception hand in hand when we hear this loud voice "Aunt Liz, aunt Liz, Uncle John" It was Liz's niece May and her partner. You couldn't make it up.


    If you don't do anything stupid when you're young, you won't be able to remember something funny when you're old.



    As Rangers Football Club comes to terms with more players leaving the club, The latest rumour is that club mascot Broxi Bear has said no to the newco and has signed for Blair Drummond Safari Park.



    When I was talking to Liz last night, after a few halves obviously, I said "Motherwell" where we come from "must be the most dangerous place for a woman to stay who's fell out with her husband. After the wife goes missing, It takes the police 43 years before they start looking for her"



    I've just read on facebook that over 200 people like my joke page, Isn't that amazing?.!/pages/Jokes/130091533704017



    Liz was getting on my nerves the other day. She bought a snib for the inside of the bathroom door and she asked me to fit it. I informed her that It was the wrong type and couldn't be fitted. She said "You call yourself a design engineer. I think you f*****g slept with a design engineer" I quietly said "I did and it wasn't you" "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Roared Liz.


    When I was taking my grandson Oliver over to Larkhall Leisure Centre for his Monday night judo practice I noticed a large area next to the car park was being dug out. I asked the night watchman what was getting built. "A blue and white Asda" he replied. Now Asda's corporate colours are green and white. Seemingly Asda did a local census about this then they decided to do a change, just for Larkhall. You couldn't make it up. When I told this story to my father he recalled working in Pickerings in the early 50's. A 17 yr. old apprentice from Larkhall arrived for work one morning with a brand new pair of boots on. Everybody was taken aback and asked him how he could afford such a luxury. He replied "They're my Dad's I've only to wear them for two weeks to break them in and then give them back to him"



    Weekly Rants 28 06 2012



    Next week at this time we'll be in sunny Tenerife. Don't worry, I'll be taking my notepad with me in order to collect any funnies that crop up.


    I've just read in the paper about the Jersey couple who have dug up a fortune of 50 BC coins in their garden. It's reckoned that it was buried to keep it out of the way of Julius Ceasar's tax campaign. Jimmy Carr commented "It's not just me that hides money from the Tax Man in Jersey" 


    "I'm in trouble with the wife" say the bloke in the pub "We were in bed last night and she asked me what I'd like to do most with her body. Apparently 'Identify it' wasn't the right answer.."


    I've just read a book by Harry Morris called 'Harry the Polis Even the lies are true'. Harry seems to have a way of taking real life scenarios (with real names, dates and locations) and finishing them off with old chestnuts. However the fact that he's an ex cop reminds me of the following funnies.  

    This policeman walks up to two shady characters at the back of a house. The bloke at the bottom of the ladder just ignores the cop and acts as if he isn’t there. The law officer stands there with his hands behind his back and says “Do you know who I am?” “haw Tam” shouts the would be burglar to his pal at the top of the ladder “there’s a fellow here who doesn’t know who he is”

    This policeman is walking down a country when he notices a parked car which is bouncing up and down. He walks over sees a couple hard at it. Then he chaps the widow with his torch and shouts “I’m next” Just then the bloke in the car starts shaking and is visibly nervous. His girlfriend asks “What’s the matter?” “I’ve never sh***** a policeman before” He replies.

    Two mounted police who are stopped at lights look down at this young lad on a push bike. One of them says, “Where did you get the bike son?” The lad replies “From Santa Clause” “Well I want you to write to Santa” says the cop with a smirk “And tell him you need a bell and a light for your bike” The kid then asks the cops “Where did you get the horses?” With another smirk the cop says “Oh they came from Santa too” “Well you should also write to Santa,” says the kid “Because on a horse the pricks are normally on the underside”

    It was the end of the day when the cop parked my police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and a little boy staring in at him. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "Yes" replied the cop. Puzzled, the boy looked at him and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

    An old lady gets flagged down for speeding. The officer asks “Can I see your licence please” “Ain’t got one “replied the old lady. “I got it taken off me for drunk driving” “Can I see your insurance” asks the policeman. “Not got any” responded the old dear “I stole the car and killed the driver. He’s in the boot.” The copper immediately called for reinforcements. Within a few minutes the place covered in siren screaming police cars. The sergeant approached the driver and said “My officer tells me you stole this car murdered the driver and put him in the boot” The woman lifts the rear lid to reveal an empty boot and hands the Sergeant her licence and insurance and says “Bet the liar told you I as speeding as well”

    This car is flying down the M74 with a traffic cop in hot pursuit. Finally after the car stopped the cop approached the car and said to the driver "I hope you've got a good reason for travelling at 120 MPH." "Yeah I have" replied the bloke "Last year my wife ran away with traffic cop and I thought that was him bringing her back" "Have a good day" said the cop as he turned and walked away. That last bit of the story isn't true.


    Weekly rants 22 06 2012


    I've just read Tam Cowan's article in the Record about him going to see Ken Dodd at the Pavilion on Sunday night. I can reiterate everything Tam said. The guy is a marvel. When we seen him last it was at the Palladium In Blackpool. He came on after his break about 10.30, put a thermos flask and a tupperware box of sandwiches on the table and said "I don't know about you lot but I'm ready to do a night shift" Tam tells us about when some of the audience left a little early he shouted after them 'you're not getting away with it, I'll follow you home and shout the rest of the jokes through you're letter box' I hope I can still stand up at 84 never mind 'doing stand up'.      


    Liz has just told me that her pal's daughter is pregnant. It reminded me of the following funnies.

    A heavily pregnant woman went into the doctor’s waiting room and took a seat. Next to her was a fella who asked “What do you hope it will be?” “My f***ing husbands” She replied. 

    A little boy went up to a pregnant woman and asked: "Why is your tummy so fat?" "There's a baby growing in there," she cheerfully told him. The little one digested that information for a few seconds then asked: "So what's growing in your backside?"

    This bloke who’s next to see the Doc. is patiently sitting in the waiting room. All of a sudden the surgery door is flung open and a young lady runs out screaming “I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant” When the bloke enters the doctors room he says  ”That was Mary Smith from the bottom of my street. Is she really pregnant? “  “No” says the medic “But it’s sure cured her hiccups”

    A pregnant woman visits the clinic for a check up. “Will the baby’s father be attending the birth?” asks the midwife “I doubt it “ replies the lady. “He and my husband don’t get on very well”

    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "Can you get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think traffic wardens come from?"

    A college lecturer sets his class a fun competition. He asks them to write as short a story as possible containing the three topics ie religion, sexuality and mystery. The winner wrote "My god, I'm pregnant. I wonder who's it is?"

     Have you heard about the pregnant woman who went to Egypt on holiday. She came home as a Mummy.

     A Rangers supporter is on the roof of Parkhead. A police negotiator is there to talk him out of jumping to his death. The negotiator initially tries some small talk and asks him why has he came to Parkhead. The Rangers supporter replies "Have you seen the length of the queue at Ibrox?" 


    For backdated rants go to site below



    my youtube stand up effort






    Weekly rants 15 06 2012


    A bloke is eating his lunch in a transport cafe. Three bikers walk in looking for trouble. They target the man, throwing his meal on the floor, pouring his tea over him, jostling him and hurling insults. The man says nothing, but gets up and calmly walks out of the cafe. "He's not much of a man, is he says one of the troublemakers to the cafe owner. "Not much of a driver either" The owner replies "He's just run over three motorbikes with his 32 ton truck"


    A dying husband says to his wife "Our seventh child looks different to the other six. Did he have have a different father?" "Yes" She replied "You"

    "DO you know who I feel sorry for if Rangers have to use a new name after liquidation?" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "All the punters having to go and get their tattoos changed."

    My wife said "those penis enlargement pills you're taking are definitely working! You're a bigger prick today than you were yesterday!"


    "It was Incredible to watch the Red Road flats go down" Says the bloke in the pub "Great work, surely this firm must now be top of the list for the Ibrox job."


    "My wife is great at doing bird impressions" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "She watches me like a hawk"



    The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman

    Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
    Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
    Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
    The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
    Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
    Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
    A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
    Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
    Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
    Paddy now works for the HSBC.


    my youtube effort




    a Tribute to the great Late Frank Carson


    The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death
    A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
    My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
    I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”
    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
    I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
    The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

    Back to my stuff




    "I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair" Says the bloke in the pub "but, by
    by changing my  religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
    I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!"


    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at one o'clock. The husband picked up the phone, listened for a moment, and said 'How the hell should I know? I'm not the weatherman.' and hung up. 'Who was that?' the wife asked. The husband replied 'I don't know, some bloke wanting to know if the coast is clear.


    In the United Kingdom, is ranked 405235, with an estimated 680 monthly visitors a month. Click to view other data about this site.



    If all brides are beautiful........ where do ugly wives come from?


    “I THOUGHT my latest girlfriend might be the one,” said the chap in the pub the other night, “but then I had a sneaky look in her wardrobe and noticed a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit and a police woman’s uniform. I thought to myself, if she can’t hold down a steady job, maybe she’s not the one for me after all.”



    Weekly Rant 30 03 2012


    From the Diary page in the Herald


    WELSH comedian Bennett Arron, appearing at Brel in the west end in the Glasgow Comedy Festival, discovered there was a party of six teachers from Holland in the audience, and he asked them if they had paid for their tickets individually. There was some feverish discussion among the teachers before one of them triumphantly announced: "Ah, you want to know if we went Dutch!"


    This reminded me of the festival last year we went into a bar and a mediocre comedian had started asking the individuals in the audience What they did for a living. When he asked this bloke who looked like Ed Byrne in the front row the bloke replied "I'm a stand up comic. What do you do?"


    President Obama is visiting a remote African country and as he is being shown round he says to the leader “The women shouldn’t be following the men round the way they are, this is the twentieth century and there is equality among the sexes. Let me have a talk with your chiefs” The next day the women are walking three and four deep in front of the men. The leader says to Obama “That is absolutely amazing you have broken two thousand years of tradition. How did you do it?”  “With just two words” replied Obama “Land mines”

    When I took our dog, Sammantha out for It's walk this morning as usual she was off the lead running about the park. After we had just started to walk along the pavement there was a lady on her knees painting her gate. On the lady's back between the top of her trousers and the bottom of her blouse there was a small area of bare flesh showing. When Sammantha stuck her cold wet nose on to this she nearly jumped out of her skin.

    A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.  'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we
    started swearing.'  The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'  'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.   The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants   for breakfast.  'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'   WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got   up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'  'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'



    weekly rant 22 03 2012


    We were driving back from a judo competition in Sheffield a few weeks ago. Now in my car there is a buzzer that goes off when you get to about 75 MPH This buzzer must be remotely connected to Liz's mouth because every time it sounds she automatically says "You gonna get your fit aff that accelerator" 



    My grandson Oliver came in from school the other day and said Papa I've got a couple of jokes for you. "What is the only type of computer that can sing?" I said "I don't know. Tell me Oliver" "An A-DEL" he replied. He continued. "Why was the computer tired when it got home?" "Because it had a hard drive" 



    "My husband thinks I'm crazy" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "But I'm not the one who married me"



    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my good lady walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley here love, they're doing 3 cases of Bud for the price of 2."

    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.
    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. she says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?" The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does nothing at all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...

    Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"


    my youtube clip





    weekly rant 16 03 12

    "Just caught my son wearing the wife's high heels" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I was amazed cos I thought they would slow me down"

    We were in Tenerife the other week. Weather in the high seventy's, great stuff. In a local cabaret bar a stand up comic called George King came on. Now George was the youngest comic on the TV show the comedians in the early 70's. He told us about the time he first went on stage to be recorded. The compere Bernard Manning said "Now to be a stand up comic you have to have, firstly, charisma and secondly, good jokes, now put your hands together for somebody who has neither Mr. George King"  George has a house in Tenerife and does selected venues and cruise ships with the same basic material he used forty years ago and It's pretty good.


    The other act we saw who was pretty good was Billy Porter. Now Billy is a self confessed poofter and, basically his act is all about that. We seen him when we were there last year and one thing I can say he works hard on his material. Billy said "I was in the Rumpot the other night and the barman said to me 'look at all these sexy attractive girls, how can you not fancy them' "Put a nine inch penis on one of them" Says Billy "And I'll f*****g fancy her" 


    Now there there are some rough areas as well in Tenerife. As we walked by Veronicas we went go into a pub for a 1 euro pint. I decided to go to the toilet. Now the toilet hadn't a door on it. Have you ever stood at a urinal doing a pee and a bunch of drunken women walk by saying "turn round and let us see the size of it"


    On the road home at Tenerife airport there was an an elderly Glasgow couple in front of us at the Ryanair check in. When the clerk said "Have you anything to declare?" The wifey piped in "Yes, six litre bottles of whisky, six jugs of sangria and forty pints of beer" When the check in clerk looked over quizzically at her she replied "It's inside him, that's what he drunk through the holidays"  



    I pick up my grandson Oliver from primary school every afternoon. Now Oliver has coche red hair, he takes it from my mothers side of the family. Anyway on the road home from school the other day there was a lad on the other side of the road shouted over to Oliver "What's it like being a ginger nut?" Oliver shouted back "It's okay, but what's it like being a poofter?" An eleven year old homophobic.



    WEEKLY RANTS 24 02 2012


    We're off to Tenerife for the next ten days so you won't hear from me next week.


    Why is a bagpiper always walking? To get away from the noise.


    "It's the way you tell 'em" Frank Carson has just passed away. Reminds me of the following crackers.


    I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

    I was in a restaurant in the Far East and ordered the octopus, the waiter said it would take four hours, why's that I asked? It keeps turning the gas off he says.

    Private Carson I didn't see you in camouflage class today. Thank you very much sir.

    A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don't sell wasps.” He says: “There's one in the window.”

    A guy goes into B&Q and says: “I'd like some nails please.” “How long would you like them?” “I want to keep them.”

    An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.


    "Could I have some o'that Rangers soup" Asked the bloke in the pub.

    When the barman looked quizzical, it allowed him to add: "Adminestrone!"




    A man to his friend "My wife ran away yesterday. I am trying to cry, But tears are not
    coming out. What do I do?" Friend "No problem, just imagine she is back"


    "I lost my virginity when I was 17" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I found it again two years after I got married"



    WEEKLY RANTS 17 02 2012


    I watched Tim Vine on the box last night. I can understand now why he's the champion of one liners. Here are some that come to mind.


    Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

    Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

    I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

    I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again – that’s a site for sore eyes

    So I said to a Scotsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

    Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

    back to my stuff



    "My husband has brought some magic back into our marriage" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "He's disappeared"


    "What's got four legs and more money than Rangers?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Harry Redknapp's dog."


    "I've just heard the latest news that Rangers have struck a lucrative deal with a major television broadcasting company" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It's for a series of programs for the History channel"


    "Last night I rang up the pizza place and ordered a thin and crusty supreme" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Half hour later Diana Ross turned up"



    A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Glaswegian were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Glaswegian fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls' The Glaswegian said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?' 




    WEEKLY RANTS 10 02 2012


    "I used to think I was a brilliant lover" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Then I found out my girlfriend had asthma"



    I bumped into an old mate yesterday who I haven't seen for years.
    He said, "What you doing these days?" I said, "I help hand over clothes to poor people."
    He said, "That's very charitable." I said, "Not really, I'm just a checkout assistant in Primark."


    "There are two people who really irritate me" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "A drunk person when I'm sober and a sober person when I'm drunk"


    I just read in the paper about Billy Connelly not being able to take the heckling on his English stand up tour. It reminded about the time we went to see at one of his Glasgow venue gigs. A bloke in the audience started heckling him. Billy looked over at him and said "I don't like getting interrupted at work. How would you like it If I came into your work place and told you how to sweep up?" 



    "Men don't fake orgasms" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "What bloke would pull faces like that on purpose?"



    "My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection" Says the bloke in the pub. he continued. 
    "You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her over some diet pills! 
    I'm still looking for a place to live"




    Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.  One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Gin and T's thanks."
    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the climate, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and
    Gin and T's, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the Yanks; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
    "So why keep going to The States?" asks the bartender.
    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."




    WEEKLY RANTS 03 02 2012




    My wife Liz decided to make cog au vin the other day. It reminded of the blonde who thought "cog au vin" was sex in the back of a transit. Anyway after reading the Dehlia Smith recipe Liz said to me "will you go up to Mair's the butcher and get a 4lb cockerel and ask for half a cup of it's blood" It reminded me of the time back in the 50's when I was more or less brought up in the Hyndshaw farm in Carluke the house keeper a Mrs Scotland would say to my uncle Roy "We'll have chicken in a few days so bring one in to hang up" Uncle Roy would go round the hens grouping their backsides. He would only ring it's neck if it had a tight arse. This meant it had stopped laying eggs.  




    AS the finances of Rangers Football Club appear increasingly precarious, a Celtic fan in the pub said "Is it true that Rangers fans received a letter from the club telling them that their payment for the 2015/16 season ticket is now due?"




    A SEX researcher is studying responses to a survey when he spots something odd on one of the questionnaires. Intrigued he decides to phone the participant and he says to him "In response to the question of frequency of intercourse, you answered 'twice weekly' you wife on the other hand put 'several times a night'" "That's right" replied the bloke "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off" 


    An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
    When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."






    WEEKLY RANTS 27 01 2012



    A famous stage play director called an old retired actor, invited him to come to the Kings in order to have a walk on part, he jumped at the chance. 
    Director, you  will walk on stage with a rose between your finger and thumb saying,—“ah the sweet aroma of my mistress”. 
    He practises for days on end, the night comes, the curtain rises, the play begins, the old actor has been repeating and repeating,
    finally he walks on, saying “ah the sweet aroma of my mistress” The theatre crowd jump for joy, laughing, cheering, they are ecstatic, shouting his name, he walks off, the director shouts at him. 
    You have F------- ruined me,---“why did I forget my line”
    “No you forgot the F---- rose
    "My wife gave me £50 and asked me to buy something that make her look pretty" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "She wasn't very happy when I came home from the pub pissed"


    "I fell asleep last night with one eye open" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Honestly folks, I didn't sleep a wink"



    A bit of black tarmac walked into a pub and announced he was as hard as nails, and he would take on anybody, ordered a pint and stood at the bar. Then a piece red tarmac came in and also exclaimed he was a fighter saying he would take on anybody. The barman went up to the bit of black tarmac and said "Why don't take him on?" The black tarmac said "No way, he's a cycle-path"  



    Ten catholic priests were killed in a mini bus accident. When they got to the pearly gates St. Peter said to them if any of you are paedophiles turn around and make your way down to hell. Nine of them did as said he said and St Peter shouted over to them as they walked away "Take the deef one with you as well"  



    My facebook link is below




    As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought..."Just throw the f*****g thing."




    WEEKLY RANTS 20 01 2012


    Two Aberdonians were in the bar of the Costa Concordia when it started so sink. A steward came running and told them to abandon ship. "Bugger off" said one of them "We're all inclusive"


    This bloke walked into the doctors surgery and said to the receptionist “can the doctor have a look at my willy please” “tut tut” said the receptionist “this is a public place and one shouldn’t use words like that. Call it something else” “OK” said he bloke “can the doctor take a look at my pinky?” “What exactly is the matter with your pinky” asked the receptionist “I can’t pee out of it” replied the bloke.


    Men's brains are like the prison system” Says the lady in the pub. She continued.  “Not enough cells per man.”


    “My wife never wears lip stick” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. She can’t keep her mouth closed long enough to put it on”


    Husband  “Can you make an extra effort to do yourself up for the party tonight”  Wife   “Why” Husband  “Well, my ex wife will be there and I don’t want her thinking I left her for somebody worse looking than her”



    Davie Weir leaving Rangers !!, the second captain to leave a sinking ship this week..


    I have just heard Professor Stephen Hawkins reached 70 today .......... That's one helluva wheelchair he's got !!!!



    I have just read a article in the paper about the Italian ship Costa Concordia running aground. A Mr Willits was in the Ship's theatre when it happened. He said "The theatre curtains seemed as if they were on their side and then the magician disappeared" Honestly folks, you couldn't make it up.  




    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on....
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. ... While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!!



    WEEKLY RANTS 13 01 2012



    Marriage isn’t a word…it’s a sentence.

     Never argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.

    Best friends Liz and May meet once a week for lunch and they always try and out do each other. At their latest meeting Liz notices that May is exhausted and asks what the problem is. May replies "It's my husband. He is so randy I'm finding it difficult to keep up with him" Liz says "I know, I know, I, know"


    First Nurse: “I’ve scored with every available doctor in this hospital” Second Nurse: “And intern?” First Nurse: “No, not alphabetically”


    This week in the year 871 King Alfred the Great defeated the Vikings at the battle of Ashdown. The Vikings went home and invented Ikea. 


    Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill "Sir, if I was your wife I'd have poisoned your tea" to which Winston replied "Madam, if I was married to you, I'd drink it!"


    "The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "Talk about Dyson with death"


    "Why is it that women fake orgasms ?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He continued "Because they think us blokes care"


    Some years ago, a small town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece and the Greek Mayor visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how the Spaniard could afford such a house. The Spanish mayor told him 'You see that bridge over there ? The EEC gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built. A few years later the Spanish mayor visited the Greek town and was amazed at the luxurious fittings of the Greek mayors house - gold taps, marble floor, .. stupendous. When asked how this could be afforded, the Greek mayor replied 'you see that bridge over there ? ' The Spaniard replied 'No'  


    "I was in a restaurant last night when I suddenly realised I needed to break wind" Says the bloke. He continued. "The music was really loud so I timed my farting to the beat of the music. A few minutes later I realised that everybody was staring at me. It was only then that I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPOD"


    Previous Weekly Rants go to




    WEEKLY RANTS 06 01 2012





    I read an article in the Daily Record today about a bloke who crossed a Rottweiler and a Presa Canario. The headline read "A spokesman for the Kennel Club said that this would produce canines that would bite first and then ask questions later" 'Bloody hell' I thought to myself 'The pups will be able to talk as well'



    I've just read in the paper that  the Austrian government have banned the telling of blonde jokes. What's the world coming to ? Anyway it reminds of these blonde jokes


    What do you call an intelligent Blonde? A Golden Retriever.


    Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
    A-:So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

    A blonde was involved in a road accident. A few days latter she went to the police station to make a statement. The officer asked her “So what gear were you in when the incident occurred?” The blonde answered “Let me think. Oh yes it was a gorgeous little pink number with matching shoes and gloves.”

    Q-: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes ?
    A-: because they go and answer the door.

    Two blondes on a holiday flight when one says to the other "If this plane turns upside down, do you think we'll fall out?" "No" says the second blonde "After all we've been friends all our life"

     Q: Why was the blonde staring at the carton of orange juice?
    A-: Because it said on it "CONCENTRATE".

    Two blondes emerge from the zoo covered in cuts, bruises and with half their clothes in tatters. The first blonde says "That's the last time I try that lion dancing"


    My sister, Muriel gave me a book for Christmas. It was called "Are you turning into your Dad ?" by Joseph Piercy. No I'll never be like my Dad you see I can't sing and Dad can't tell jokes. When we were up visiting him during the holidays he sung his rendition of "The Bonnie Lass O' Ballochmyle" And I told jokes. What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?   



    Memorable quote of 2011


    "According to a survey, when asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30 per cent of woman said 'yes' -- while the other 70 per cent said 'What, again?' " Silvio Berlusconi




    My old youtube stand up routine click on link below






    WEEKLY RANTS 29 12 11


    Liz and I have just got booked up for 9 days in Tenerife at the end of February. It's in our favourite hotel Iberostar Playa Bouganville in San Eugene. So we are really looking forward to it especially as the Euro is now 1.17 to the Pound 


    This bloke thought his wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day he decided to test it. He quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her. "Barbara," he said, "can you hear me?" There was no response, so he moved 20 feet behind her. Barbara," he said, "can you hear me?" Still no response. He advanced to ten feet and asked "Now can you hear me?"  "Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the THIRD time, yes!"


    A mobile phone rings in the health club changing rooms. This bloke lifts it up and answers it. The lady’s voice on the other end says “The fur coat I spoke to you about last night, it’s reduced to £399. Can I have it? “Sure darling” replies the bloke ”Just go ahead” “And the holiday in the Bahamas?” “Yea, that’s OK” “The new Mercedes?”    “Sure, honey, stick a deposit down on it. See you later bye bye.” The bloke then holds the mobile up in the air and says to the fellows around him “Anybody know who’s phone this is?”


    This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK” continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon”



    "Have you heard about the new film staring Meryl Streep as Maggie Thatcher" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I think it will be unsuitable for Miners"


    “The wife asked what I was doing on the internet and I said I was looking for cheap flights.” Says the bloke in the pub. He added: “She got all excited, which is strange, as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.”
    The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope day asking that Womankind would also be blessed. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope asking if he could bless gay people. The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."


    WEEKLY RANTS 22 12 11


    A fed up housewife telephoned her mother and complained “My backs killing me, the children are acting up, the house is a mess and I’m expecting six guests for dinner.” “Don’t worry darling. I’m coming right over. I’ll feed the children, clean up and cook diner for your guests” “You’re an angel! How’s dad?” “Dad? …..Sweetheart, you know Dad died eight years ago”  pause “What number are you calling?” “01414741258” this is “01414741259” “Oh no, I’ve dialled the wrong number.” “Hold on please” the voice wailed “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”


    "I've asked Santa for a big fat bank account and a slim wife" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Please don't mix them up like you did last year"


    “What do you call an abortion in Prague?” Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. “A cancelled cheque”


    At the end of November Liz and I took Oliver up to Aberdeen for a judo competition. Now at these type events spectators normally pay a couple of quid and you get a raffle ticket to get in and out of the hall. But no not at Aberdeen that would mean somebody buying a book of raffle tickets. In Aberdeen They stamp the back of your hand with an indelible Ink frank and it says PAID. It reminded me about the Aberdonian who wrapped up a packet of batteries for his son's Christmas. When the lad opened up the parcel there was a note along with the batteries which read "TOYS NOT INCLUDED" Anyway on the road home Liz started complaining about my driving. One of the times she told that a billboard notice just said that vehicle speeds had to be under 50 MPH. I advised her that was for vehicles over 7.5 tonnes and I was aware that she was putting on the pounds but she hadn't quite reached that weight yet.


    "The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
    with me" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I think it's because she can't afford batteries"


    "My husband thinks he's a wit" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "Well, I suppose you could say he's half right there"



    I was in the garage shop at the end of the road this morning for my papers when this bloke came in and asked for a coin for the air pressure machine. When the teller said that'll be a £1 he said "That's a disgrace charging that amount to blow up your tyres" She smirkingly replied "That's inflation for you sir" Honestly folks you couldn't make it up.



    "My wife's ran off with my best friend" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Whoever he is"



    My weekly rants 16 12 11 back because of numerous requests


    My daughter, Yvonne got a telephone call from the headmistress at Oliver's School earlier in the week. Seemingly Oliver (my grandson) had told his teacher he couldn't do the Xmas pantomime as his judo class was on that night. As Miss Ashworth pleaded with Yvonne to get him to change his mind I decided to the afternoon matinee. Gosh what a sweet, melodic voice he has. I think it must run in the family genes. My father has a good singing voice his party piece being "The soor mulk cairt" My wife, Liz's father sung "I'll take you home again Kathleen" While her mother sung "Rose of Tralee" The problem is I was left me out of it, however I can tell jokes. When I asked Oliver what his favourite songs were he said "Price Tag" by Jessie Jay and "Rolling in the deep" by Adele. What a difference a couple of generations make in the type of music which is popular. 



    "Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snow-woman?" Asks the lady in the pub. When nobody answered she continued. "It takes longer to hollow out the man's head"



    "They've finally finished painting the Forth Bridge" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Just what Scotland needs. Eighteen more unemployed people"




    A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her
    husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your
    plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says.
    “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will
    study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such
    as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
    “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the
    fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God
    will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the
    good news is he thinks I’m God.”


    "I saw the Panda's arriving at Edinburgh airport on the television" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Isn't it great living in a country that has more pandas than Tory MPs?"


    "A bloke who works beside me is nicknamed The Wife" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It's because his fellow workers claim he always takes things the wrong way"


    The teacher said to little Johnny "Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny replied "drin-King jo-King and bon-King" 


    "I have a drink problem" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "My wife told me to go to BUPA but I did the complete opposite. I went to A PUB"



    "Do you know the only thing I've got in common with my husband?" Asks the lady in the pub. She continued. “We got married on the same day



    "My wife was trying on a new dress and she asked me what would go well with it" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "I replied 'Your sister's body' "



    "My husband treats me like a dog" Says the lady in the pub. She continued. "He wants me to be faithful to him" 


    "My wife likes rough sex" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Every time she climaxes she punches me in the face. The problem is I've just discovered she's been faking it"


    "I phoned my boss this morning to tell him I wouldn't be at work today as I was sick. He asked how sick I was" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. 'I replied "Well, I'm in bed with my mother-in-law" '



    "I remember introducing my first girlfriend to my father" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "I said 'This is Amanda' he replied 'looks like a wummin to me' "


    "I love it when the wife puts on her nurses uniform" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "It means she's off to work!"


    A man was having a pint in a posh pub when he made eye contact with a lovely young girl who smiled at him, so he smiled back.
    He thought his luck was in, so he gave her a little wave and in an instant she came over to his table and asked if he wanted a drink. "You're a bit forward, aren't you ?" He said "No" She answered "I'm the waitress"


    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
    'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
    'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
    her best friend, and your mother!' 'I know,' she replied. 'Now you just rest easy and
    let the poison work.'


     The wee Scottish wife


    Wee Jimmy had just finished a new book called “How to be the Man of your House” and decided he was taking action. He barges into the kitchen and announces to his wee Scottish wife, Mary, that “frae noo oan, you need tae ken that am the man o’ this hoose and ma word is law. Right”.
     “So, the nicht, you’ll prepare me a gourmet meal o’ ma choice and then, when I’m finished eating you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you’re comin up the stairs wi’ me an we’ll hae the kinda sex that a want for as long as a want it, and then you’ll run me a bath so a can relax. You’ll wash my back, then dry me wi the towel and then help me intae ma fleecy Rangers pyjamas before you massage ma hauns an feet.  
    Then the morra mornin, guess who’s gonnae dress me, an comb ma hair?” 

    “Well,” says Mary, “the f*** ing funeral director would be ma first guess.”


    "I had Curried Pelican at the local Indian restaurant last night" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It was ok but the bill was enormous!"


    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She said "Mummy can't come to the phone right now, 'she's hitting the bottle'"


    The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope day asking that Womankind would also be blessed. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope asking if he could bless gay people. The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."


    A Pakistani couple had just left a Court after their Divorce. The woman was really upset and crying. The man put his arm around the woman and say's "don't worry, we can still be cousins"

    This bloke is standing outside the door of a pub having a fag when the barman comes out and says "Move along please. The no smoking regulations say that you must be at least 6 feet from the door" The bloke replies "But I'm drinking in that pub across the road"

    I just read a piece in the paper about Frank Carson interviewing Dawn French. Frank asked Dawn what was her favourite musical instrument while she was at school. she replied "The dinner-bell"
    "All men think they are marrying nymphomaniacs" Says the bloke in the pub. "trouble is" He continued "After a few years the nympho leaves and you are left with a maniac"

    said “Now I’m warning you, tell any jokes about me and I’ll never speak to you for the rest of my life” And that folk’s, is the main reason I’m here.


    “The wife asked what I was doing on the internet and I said I was looking for cheap flights.” Says the bloke in the pub. He added: “She got all excited, which is strange, as she’s never shown any interest in darts before.”


    A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom...



    Another crisis has broken out In the Middle East. The authorities in Dubai have stopped a television station from broadcasting the Flintstones. They say the local people wouldn't get the humour but we all know that Abu Dhabi Do.


    A little girl said "Mum, how did humans come into existence?" "Well" Mum replied "In the beginning God made Adam and Eve, they had children, there children had children and so on and now here we are" When she asked her father about it he said we evolved from monkeys. Perplexed the little girl told her mother about this. Mum replied "When I said it was from Adam and Eve I was talking about my ancestry.




    A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"




    Brother-in-law joke





    What film does a prostitute hate the most? Free Willy



    Received this "e" mail this morning.

    Hi John

     I’m a journalist who writes for this newspaper:

    I’m writing a feature on Aberdeen for our monthly leisure section. I was wondering if I could get your permission to use the joke printed on your website: A bloke is walking along Union Street in Aberdeen with only one shoe on. Another fella taps him on the shoulder and asks “Have you lost a shoe?” “No” replies the Aberdonian “I’ve just found one”.


    Lorna Seatter Journalist

    The Australian Mining Review

    The Australian Oil & Gas Review

    Phone:  (08) 6314 0321   |      Fax:  (08) 9481 7322      | 

    Level 2, 849 Wellington Street, West Perth, W.A 6005    |      P.O.Box 905, West Perth, W.A 6872

    Email:       |      Web:

     Seems my jokes are becoming well known all over the world.



    "My wife's been missing for a week now" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "Police have told me to expect the worst. So I suppose I'll have to back to the charity shop and reclaim her clothes"



    "I was in a romantic mood last night so I said to my girlfriend 'I want to be a part of your body'" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "She replied 'no thanks, I already have an arsehole!'"


     A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful t...o his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'





    "I've often wanted to drown my troubles" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued "But I can't get my wife to go swimming"


    The blonde says..8 qualities of a perfect boyfriend... Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Polite, Energetic, Non-alcoholic, Industrious,

    Self-organised. In short, B.I.G.P.E.N.I.S



    "My wife was a good housekeeper" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "We got divorced and she kept the house"

    I was in the pub last night with the missus when I said "I love you" She asked: "Is that you or the drink talking?"

    I replied "It's me talking to the drink!"


    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
    and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
    to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
    ...anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
    ...The wife said " out of all your friends you have the biggest dick!"



    The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
    It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."




    Two informally dressed ladies happened to start-up a conversation during an
    endless wait in Toronto's Terminal 3 airport. The first lady was an Upper
    Canadian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered
    elderly woman from Bell Island, Newfoundland. When the conversation centred
    on whether they had any children, the Upper Canadian woman started by saying,
    "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
    The lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued,
    "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. Again,
    the lady from Bell Island commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting,
    "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again,
    the Bell Island lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion,
    "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school,"
    declared the Bell Island lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What on earth for?"
    The elderly Bell Island lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Fuck?",
    I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious . . . . "




    I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code. He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
    I said, "Everyone else does." He said, "That's because they're patients."



    "Scientists have discovered a human jaw bone that is over 2 millions years old" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued                                               "They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still moving"



    "After my honeymoon I felt like a new man" says the bloke in the pub. He continue "Unfortunately, so did my wife"



    "The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner" says the bloke in the pub

    He continued "talk about Dyson with death"


    I was driving to work to day when I saw an RAC van with the guy who was driving it crying his eyes out....really sobbing he was" says the bloke in the pub He continued "I thought 'he must be heading for a breakdown'"..




    "How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?" Says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "When she starts fitting into
    your wife's clothes..."


    A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book for men
    with short penises? I can't remember the title." She says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
    He replies, "That's the one! I'll take a copy."


    A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short,
    he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs Agents at the airport.
    "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but
    I lost my wallet," replied the bloke. "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry,"
    said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bob Hawke
    tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.." "This I gotta see, “replied the agent.
    With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind. "By hell, you're right!"
    exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you
    know I was from Melbourne ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Gillard in the middle."



    We went to see Craig Hill at the Oran Mor on Friday night. Honestly folks It's the first time I've seen that guy for about 20 years when he used to be on a Friday night telly comic show. He reminded me about the old school play ground joke about the poofter who becomes pregnant. The doctor says to him 'think back. who is the father?'" He replies "Do you think I've got eyes in the back of my head?"



    "Five days a week my body is a temple" says the blonde in the pub. She continued  
    "The other two it's an
    amusement park"




    Check to see if you have been caught on camera speeding



    Weekly Rant w/e 04-03-2011




    I received two phone calls this week about my "name and shame" web page. The first bloke complemented

    me on it and said  "well done, good on you"  The second bloke said he was taking me to court for libel.

    Have a look at it below and tell me what you think.



    This bloke is getting a lift in his friend’s new Rolls Royce. As they’re travelling along the road he say’s “This is a terrific car, real leather upholstery, veneered mahogany surround and look!!, at the instrumentation.” The driver asks “Haven’t you ever been in a Rolls Royce before?” “Oh yes” Replies the passenger. “But never in the front seat”


    A soldier who is on a long term of duty in Afghanistan receives a photograph from his girlfriend which shows a couple arm in arm while she sits alone to one side. In the accompanying letter she explains that she is being very good and saving herself for him. Delighted, he shows the photograph and letter to a friend. His pal studies it for a few moments and then say’s “Yes, but who took the picture?”


    Muammar Gaddafi decides to bail out. As he is travelling across the desert his camel went lame.  He came across a village and ordered the two leading tribesmen to bring their best camel to his tent. Neither wanted to give up they’re animal and both proclaimed that their camel’s were useless. “We’ll settle it with a race” said Muammar. “But sir” said one of Gaddafi's helpers “Neither man will let his camel go fast”. Yes they will” replied Gaddafi “let each man ride the other’s camel”


    The irate young man stormed into the chemist’s and said “That ointment you sold me to increase the size of my penis doesn’t work. I want my money back.” He assured the chemist that he had applied it as per the instructions which said, “rub it in” “Ah, but you didn’t read the small print.” Said the chemist “It say’s to be rubbed on penis by 20 year old blonde”



    “DO you ever miss the ex?” a woman meeting her girlfriends for a drink asked in Glasgow’s west end.
    “Oh all the time,” replied one of her pals. “You wouldn’t believe how much.” “But I thought you hated his guts?”
    replied the first woman. “Wait a minute,” replied her pal. “Did you say ‘ex’ or ‘sex’?”



    last Saturday we had to look after our two grand kids. Liz said that she couldn't be bothered cooking diner so she

    would phone up for some food. After she had ordered something for herself me and Oliver she said my granddaughter

    is a vegetarian so I'll have a no. 27 for her. I lifted up the menu that had had been put through the door a few

    days earlier it read 27) Vegetarian Aromatic Crispy Duck (served with pancake, spring onion, cucumber & hoi sin sauce)   = £5.60

    I think the Chief must have been a bit Bird Brained.





    The husband phones the doctor and tells him that his wife has swallowed a mouse. The doctor tells him to dangle a piece of

    cheese and he'll be there shortly. When the doctor arrived It's a sardine that's on the end of the string. When the doctor asked what was

    going the the husband informed him that the cat had jumped in after the mouse. Now, when I previously heard this joke

    it was a bit funnier. Right enough it wasn't the woman's mouth that the mouse jumped into.




    I've just read a book about a region in Mongolia where polyandry is the norm. Yes, a woman having two or more husbands.

    One can imagine polygamy (A bloke having two or more wives)  But a number of men sharing a wife !! It just shows you

    some women must like a gang bang or a roasting as it's called now..




    The late Dave Allan on youtube





    Weekly Rant w/e 25-02-2011





    We watched Brendon O'Carroll's Mrs. Brown's Boys last Monday night. It's outrageously hilarious. Now Brendan's stage name is Agnes.

    After one of Agnes's quirky remarks somebody in the audience shouted up "Typical wuman" Agnes replied "Away you go you silly c**t

    I'm a f*****g man dressed up as a f*****g wuman. The auld grampa figure sitting in the chair says "Haw hen, I'm feeling awful today"

    Agnes replies "At your age you're not supposed to feel any other way"  I have never laughed as much in my life. I can't wait so see the

    next five episodes. for more info go to



    can be seen on the web link



    This couple were at a marriage guidance clinic for the first time. When the councillor asked them what the problem was

    she said "It's him he has become very rude when we're in company" "I am not" replied the husband "Anyway,

    I'll need to go to the loo. I'll be back in two shakes"  




    I was in the pub last night having a beer with my missus when I said 'I love you' She asked "Is that you or the beer talking?"

    says the bloke in the pub "I replied 'It's me talking to the beer'"



    This was printed a few years back in the Herald when Sarah Park (my granddaughter) left Ladywell Primary to go to Dalziel High.


    THE end of the school year reminds John Park in Motherwell of when his granddaughter marked the end of her time at primary school by going out with her pals in a stretch limo. When the car arrived, the chauffeur produced a bottle in an ice bucket and poured her a drink into a champagne flute. John was dispatched to check what was being poured and confirmed it was lemonade. Nevertheless he returned and told his wife: "It's okay. He says he's got a special licence from the council to serve alcohol to 12-year-olds when they're in his car." His enjoyment in watching his wife fly down the path to berate the driver was, of course, short-lived.


    I found this when I was tidying up some old folders.


    Glesga Nick Names

    Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

    Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

    The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).

    The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

    The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

    Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

    Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

    Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

    Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .

    The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

    The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

    Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

    Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

    The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

    The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

    The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.

    The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.

    The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

    Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)








    Weekly Rant w/e 18-02-2011



    for weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver (my grandson) wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip


    After staying at a Glasgow hotel overnight a guest was presented with a bill for £250, which she thought was extortionate.

    She asked for the manager, who said it was a standard charge. He added that the hotel had a swimming pool, in-house

    entertainment and Wi-Fi. When she complained that she hadn't used any of these, the manager remarked that they were

    available and she could have. The woman took out her purse and paid him £50, saying that she was deducting £200 for

    him sleeping with her overnight. "I certainly did not" blurted the manager. "Well I was available and you could have"

    she retorted.



    "I'm in trouble with the wife" say the bloke in the pub "We were in bed last night and she asked me what I'd like to

    do most with her body. Apparently 'Identify it' wasn't the right answer.." 


    This young lad went up to a policeman and said "Can you help me officer, my dad is in a fight?" "Led the way"

    says the cop. When they went round the corner there were two blokes knocking hell out of each other.

    "Which one is your dad" asked the copper.  "I don't" replied the lad "That's what they're fighting over"



    "After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman" says the bloke in the pub

    "That's when I realised I had made it home safely"


    "My wife must be a drug pusher" says the bloke in the pub "A guy phoned last night and asked if the dope was away?"


    A guy was on that Mr. and Mrs. television show. When he was asked what was his wife's favourite flower, he replied

    'Homepride self raising'"



    "My wife must be a Coastguard" says the bloke in the pub "A guy phoned last night and asked if the coast was clear?"


    I asked my missus if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other night. She asked if it was the one where she
    goes deep down my shaft and stays there until she needs to come up for air? I told her no, its the one where she
    clears off and I don’t see her for three months.



    This cartoon came about one Saturday afternoon. We came out of the old Asda in Motherwell and as we drove past Watson Street

    I noticed this bloke walking down the road with a supermarket trolley. I said to myself 'there's something funny about this' I doodled about

    with it for half an hour and came up with this cartoon. It was published in two national newspapers netting me £80, not bad for

    under an hours work.



    Weekly Rant w/e 11-02-2011


    The Egyptian Government have come up with a plan to try and quell the riots in Cairo. Get in a car, honk the horn

    and chill out. They are calling it Toot N Calm Down. 


    Last Saturday we were up visiting my mother and father. As I drove down the street dad said "never mind

    "the auld wine" it's a bit rowdy in there, go to the 32 club. Honestly folks we walked into the bar and the

    "Heart of Midlothian Flute Band" were all around the pool table giving it laldy. Don't get me wrong they were pretty good

    but when it came to them singing the 'sash' the whole place erupted. Talk about a quiet pint on a Saturday afternoon

    this pub must have been as far away from that as you can get. Right enough, what do you expect in the quaint Lanarkshire

    village of Shotts. 



    The windy weather last weekend reminded me of this one.

    "What's does a 200 mph hurricane and a divorce have in common?" asks the bloke in the pub

    "Well, with both of them you can lose half your house"


    Supplied by Christine Robson

    This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
    For several minutes they sat silently. Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
    lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the
    girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot
    time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.
    Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
    thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed,
    then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two of them turned once again to gaze out over
    the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with
    a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a
    whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and
    bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the
    first three pennies?"



    Supplied by John Brogan

    In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa .

    I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

    There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

    You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
    I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

    Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
    I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ....
    "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
    To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

    The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan,                                                                                I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

    I think the above are by Jimmy Carr








    Weekly Rant w/e 04-02-2011





    "I was at the doctor today to ask for some sleeping pills for my wife" Says the bloke in the pub "When the Doc

    asked me why I wanted them I replied 'because she keeps me awake' " 


    While we were walking along the front in Tenerife last week we came across a stall full of fish tanks. Yes, it was

    sign posted as Foot Massage but it was actually little fish like sticklebacks that eat all the dead skin from your

    feet. Liz said it was just a slight tickling sensation. I couldn't help think to myself. Sarah Ferguson's accountant

    John Bryan has definitely started something there.


    "I said to my husband the the other day that I wanted him to spice up our love live" says the lady in the pub.

    "So he's started eating curries in bed"



    I don't normally pass these links on but the one below is definitely worth a watch

    "I've just read a book called 'Short Skirts for Ladies'" says the bloke in the pub. "It was written by Seymore Legge"


    "I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest penis she has ever laid her hands on"

    says the bloke in the pub. "I said 'you're pulling my leg' "


    "I think my girlfriend has had 61 lovers before she met me" says the bloke in the put. "Because she always says

    I am her sixty second lover"



    Another Oldie from John Brogan

    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
    a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
    'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
    Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
    decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
    also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary,
    woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the
    money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
    sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her
    head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!
    Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me
    enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket
    and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
    Tidy yerself up a bit."  .


    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
    Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and
    felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
    The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said,
    'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
    The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?' The man
    broke into a big smile and said, 'no'. She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
    A truly touching story. The last time I heard this story it was a mermaid.


    "Why do married men die before married women?" asks the bloke in the pub "Because they want to"


    "Times are tough, but look at it on the bright side" says the bloke in the pub

    "at least putting £20 of petrol in the car is a lot quicker these days" This joke reminded me of a cartoon of mine

    below which was published in a couple of daily papers about 20 years ago.






    Weekly Rant w/e 28-01-2011




    We're just back from a week's holiday in Tenerife. It didn't start off very well. Despite having confirmation paperwork saying

    that our luggage was included Thomas Cook demanded £80 from us for two cases. I booked the holiday via a web link on Ken

    Smith of the Herald's diary web site. I reckon it's an internet scam and I don't think I'll get my money back. 

       Later on in the day as we walked by the Veronicas area in Tenerife this bloke approached me like a long lost brother.

    He put his right hand over my shoulder, pulled me in tight while his left hand tried to take my wallet out my back

    trouser pocket. I got a hold of his wrist to stop him and at the same time got my elbow back enough to hit him a

    cracker of a punch right in the middle of his coupon. It was such a good punch I skinned two of my knuckles.

    It was worth it to see him running away like a scalded cat with the blood spewing out of his nose

     Liz said to me "I've never known you to do anything like that before" I replied "Nobody has ever tried to steal my

    wallet before"


    I particularly liked some of the stickers you see on the racks in front of the shops. like "Wife and dog lost. Reward 100 Euros

    for return of dog"   "Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs'"  "I didn't really want a kitchen" said the fed up house wife

    "But it came with the house"


    on the Saturday night we went out to an Irish pub called "The Hole in the wall" It's half way along the strip which

    is behind the Vulcano Hotel. The singer in there is a guy called Fergal Flatery. Half way through the night he announced

    that the next song was going to be ""Rivers of Babylon" But it's not me that's going to sing it. Welcome on stage Danniel

    O'Donnel. Liz was ecstatic"


    One night we went into a pub across the the road from the Bouganville Playa Iberostar. This bloke came speeding along the

    pavement in a mobility vehicle. He stopped outside the bar strutted up to the bar and ordered a whisky and beer and sat at the

    table next to us. liz and I looked at him, then looked over at the invalid carriage. He replied "I know what you are thinking, but it's

    not the case. That's my wife's, I'm taking it along to the shop to get it up-graded" Later on there was quite a good Karaoke on.

    Now the name of the pub was the Pheasant Plucker. At the poolside the next morning Liz was telling the couple on the sun beds

    next to us about the night out. When Liz was asked the name of the pub she stuttered a little then replied "The Pleasant Fucker"


    On the last night of the holiday we went to the Corner Bar on the strip to see Billy Porter. Now I'm not kidding you folks

    that guy is the best stand up comic I've ever heard. I was told he was very rude and crude but I didn't find that the case.   

    Of course it may have been because his mother Cathy Porter, who sometimes sings with Margaret Purser in the Miners Welfare,

    along with his father and two older sisters were in the audience. When I spoke to Billy after his stint he unashamedly

    said that if he wasn't a willie woofter he would have no material, no act and no job.



    "My wife has a terrible memory" Says the bloke in the pub. "What" says the barman "She forgets everything?"

    "No" said the bloke "She remembers everything"


    "My wife becomes more attractive after the odd drink" Says the bloke in the pub "Usually the seventh or the ninth"



    "My wife's a nature lover" Says the bloke in the pub "Despite what it's done to her"


    "My wife's got pout lips" Says the bloke in the pub "The last time I saw a mouth like hers Robson Green was removing

    a hook from it"


    For backdates go to





    Weekly Rant w/e 14-01-2011



    Pub Trivia Ask somebody to add the last two digits of the year they were born to the age they'll be this year.

    It always comes to 111



    The fellow forced a Texas bank teller to load a sack full of cash
    On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the guy’s hood
    and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer
    without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed
    one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
    Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
    The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’ There are a few moments
    of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old
    cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said,
    ‘I think my wife got a pretty good look at you.’


    Supplied by John Brogan. I've heard this joke quite a few times but the above must the best telling of it.



    "I read in the paper that two Pandas are coming to Scotland" Says the bloke in the pub. "That's all we need; more f*****g immigrants"


    Seemingly there's a problem getting panda's to breed. Well, it's understandable. How would you like to shag somebody

    who looks exactly the same as yourself.


    "My wife has left me. She says I love football more than I love her." Says the bloke in the pub. "I'm gutted; after all

    we've been together for ten seasons."


    "I'm going home early tonight" Says the bloke in the pub "My wife's got laryngitis and I don't want to miss a minute of it"


    "Do you know the most pleasurable act a woman has ever bestowed on me?" ask the bloke in the pub "Divorce"


    "How many animals should a woman keep?" Asks the lady in the pub.

    "Four:- A stallion in bed, a mink for the wardrobe, a Jaguar in the garage and a great big ass to pay for it all"  


    A guy walks into a bar and asks for a Billy Connolly. "What's a Billy Connolly?" Asks the bemused barman. "A large scotch"

    says the bloke. "That's not very funny" Says the barman. "Neither is Billy Connolly" said the bloke.  


    "My lack of laughter lines isn't because of Botox" says the lady in the pub "It's because of marriage"


    When I was up visiting my Dad last weekend he mentioned that we were related to Robert Burns. In the later
    years of Burn's life he fathered a daughter with a barmaid in the Globe Tavern in Dumfries. Her name was
    Anna Park and the child's name was Elizabeth Park. So, maybe that's where my talent comes from. For more
    info go to



    I got a telephone call from a lecturer at Heriot Watt University recently. I put some typical steelwork drawings on my web site

    that could be down loaded. He asked if it was all right for him to use them in some engineering course he was doing.

    I felt quite chuffed about it.



    Weekly Rant w/e 07-01-2011


    "My husband thinks he is a wit" says the lady in the pub "Well, I suppose you could say he's half right"


    The seventeen year old lad  hated going to family weddings ... all of his aunts and the grandmotherly
    types used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, cackle, and tell him, "You're next." ... At
    the next wedding none of his relatives did this. His mother thought this strange so she approached
    him and asked why the kidding had stopped. He replied “at the funeral we were at last week I did the same to all of them”


    Tommy Sheriden has been approached by Disney productions. They want to

    make a film about his latest escapades in the High court. It's going to be called

    the Lying Cheetah.


    this tourist was walking through London when he stopped a local and in broken English asked him where

    so-and-so street was. For a few moments the local was confused, then the penny dropped and he said

    "Oh you mean Threadneedle Street"


    "I was sitting next to my mate the other day" says the blonde in the pub. "I phoned her mobile by mistake - that was a close call"


    "I'm going to open an Italian funeral parlour" Says the bloke in the pub. "I think I'll call it Pasta Way"


    The Jealous barmaid looks over at the brunette sitting in the corner and says to her mate. "She's been under more sheets

    than the Ku Klux Klan"


    "It's not a bald patch" Says the hairless guy in the pub. "It's a solar panel for a sex machine"


    "My wife always laughs while we're having sex" says the bloke in the pub. He continued. "No matter what she's reading"


    Motherwell's Tam Cowan in trouble again.





    "Have you seen who's knocking about with that old bag again?" Asks the bloke in the pub. "Who?" somebody shouts out.

    "Santa Clause" said the bloke.


    "I bought a large bottle of tipex this morning" says the blonde in the pub. She continued "It was a big mistake"


    I have just added this page to my web site





    Weekly Rant w/e 17-12-2010


    Katie Price is more than entitled to make a complaint to OFCOM but why has she decided to make her complaint so public.
    The original show has an audience of 1million people. As a result of Katie talking to he papers over 10million people
    will now be aware of the joke. So what has Katie achieved by going public?



    Johnny, the farmer’s son is walking along the road with the cow on a lead. Mary the neighbouring farmer’s
    daughter is coming the other way and as she passes him she says, “Where are you going with the cow Johnny?”
    “I’m taking him down to the low field where the bull is” replies Johnny. “I thought that would have been a job for
    your big brother or your father?” says Mary. “Nope” replies little Johnny “It’s got to be the bull”

    A few days after major surgery the doctor agrees to let this bloke out of hospital if he takes a course of
    suppository painkillers. The doctor gives him the first one and tells him to insert one every 6 hours thereafter.
    When it was time for the second one he approached his wife who pulls his pants down, bends him over a chair,
    puts one hand on his shoulder rams the capsule home with the end of a brush shaft. “Bloody hell” shouted the
    bloke hysterically “When the doctor did that he had a hand on each of my shoulders”


    The lady goes to the doctor complaining about a sore back. After numerous “x” rays and tests the doc admits he’s
    unable to find the cause. As a last resort he asks her if she has changed any of her physical habits recently.
    The lady blushed and stammered a little saying “Er, yes, sex, I now do it doggie style” “That’s it” said the quack
    “You’ll have to go back to face to face” “I can’t do that” retorted the woman “My alsation’s breath stinks”

     Lady to husband “My mother says you’re not fit to live with pigs, but I stuck up for you. I said you were”



    Bloke goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that every so often he has an irresistible urge to have sex with
    one of his patients. “You’ll have to control yourself” replies the shrink “You’ve a moral code to obey. Being
    a doctor..” “A Doctor, a doctor…….. “ interrupts the bloke “I’m a bloody vet”

    This bloke is visiting his wife in hospital when she tells him that she’s nervous about the operation she’s
    having the next day. “The nurse said that it was a straightforward operation and everything would be OK”
    continued his wife. “There you go,” said the husband. “She’s even trying to pacify you” “She wasn’t talking
    to me” replied his wife “She was talking to the surgeon”  

    More snow jokes


    "What did one snowman say to the other snowman" Asks the bloke in the pub. When nobody answered he continued.

    "Do you smell carrots?"

    “I’m on the snow diet." says the lady in the pub "Nae breid!”


    "I love it when we get heavy snow" says the bloke in the pub. He continued "It's the only time my garden looks as good

    as the one next door"


    "What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?" asks the bloke in the pub. when no one answered he

    continued "Snow balls" 







    Weekly Rant w/e 10-12-2010


    Wullie Whyte was the topic of discussion in the Club the other Sunday. Yes, it was Davie Whyte the ex manager of Rangers's brother.

    Anyway a few years back his wife Jean took unwell. Wullie was left to look after things. Jean was in bed and asked Wullie for a cup of tea.

    After Wullie put on the kettle he went into the bedroom and asked Jean what she took in her tea. "A spot of milk and one sugar"

    was the reply. As Wullie was giving Jean her tea he said to her "What do I take in my tea?"


    Yes, and Bernard Mathews has passed away. He didn't leave any instructions as who he wanted buried. So the family decided

    to have him cremated. It was decided that ten hours at gas mark six would do the trick. 


    The best jokes are the ones that happen in real life. Liz and I were coming home from visiting my parents early one Saturday

    evening. We decided to stop in at the Railway Tavern for a quick drink. At the end of the bar there was a mother and daughter

    standing. They were sipping diet coke from a can they each had. The mother excused herself and went to the toilet. Right away

    the daughter gave her half empty can to the barman and got him to put three vodkas in it. It's the first time I've seen a barman hold

    an open can up to an optic measure.


    "What is the capital of Ireland?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He continued "About five euros"


    The punk rocker with a Walkman goes into the barbers shop and says ”hay man, cut my hair man, and leave
    the earphones in or I’m dead, man” A bit intrigued the barber proceeds to cut his hair however curiosity
    gets the better of him and he pulls the earphones off. The punk rocker drops down dead. The barber lifts
    the earphones up, puts them to his ear, listens and hears Breath in, Breath out, Breath in………

    A forty-year-old lady wins the lottery. As she has an obsession to have sex with a virgin man she hires a
    detective who arranges her to meet an Aborigine. When she walks into the hotel room he is moving all the
    furniture to the side. She says to him “What are you doing?” “I’ve never had sex with a woman before”
    Say’s the Aborigine, “But if it’s the same as a kangaroo we’ll need more room than this”


    Snow Jokes


    Tony Blair was walking through the park. He came across this writing in pee on the snow. it said Tony is a wanker.

    He telephoned the police and demanded that they get the person responsible. Later on that day the police called on

    Tony. They told him they had the urine analysed and it was his brothers. Tony was really upset. The chief inspector

    told him not to worry sometimes brother to brother relationships get a bit a bit strained . "It's not so much that" replied

    Tony "I've just realised it's in Cherie's hand writing"



    Q:- Why does it take longer to make a snow-woman than a snowman?

    A:- It's the time it takes to hollow out the snow-woman's head   






    Weekly Rant w/e 26-11-2010



    Husband to Wife:- When we argue you never seem to get upset. How is that?

    Wife:- I just go into the toilet and clean the WC with your toothbrush.



    "I played my first game of snooker today" Said the bloke in the pub. He continued "I made a break of 121.

    Potted a red, then a yellow and then another red"


    A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
    "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't
    even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show
    him how wrong he is."

    “If the refs go on strike" Says the Motherwell fan in the Electric bar "do Rangers and Celtic still pay their wages?”


    Two women were attending a funeral of a friend who had been married 8 times. One sighed and said, "They're together at last."
    "Which husband are you talking about?" the other asked. "None of her husbands. I mean her legs!"


    "When my wife caught me in the act with a blow up doll I thought she would be furious" said the bloke in the pub.

    he continued "Instead she just made me inflate it until it was fatter than her"


    Liz got me to take her  in to the Parkhead Forge Market the other day. While I was hanging about outside this

    lamp shade shop Andy Cameron came up to me and said "I've got a joke for you John" "Okay" I said "On you go Andy"

    "When the Pope came to Bellahousten Park he had some time to spend so he went for a walk along the side of

    the Clyde. He slipped and fell in. Three young lads came a long and pulled him out of the water. The pope said bless

    you my sons. I'm going to bestow a gift of your choice on each of you. The first lad said he wanted an I Pod the second

    lad said he wanted an I Phone. when the third was asked he said he wanted the Last Rites When the Pope asked why he

    wanted the Last Rites he when I go home and tell my Dad that I saved the Popes life he'll f*****g kill me. 

     If anybody has Hugh Dallas's "e" address perhaps you would like to pass this joke on to him.  

    “Congratulations to Prince William and his bride-to-be" says the bloke in the pub. He continued
    "Let the search for a suitable mistress begin.”

    They say 50 is the new 40. Try telling that to a speed camera.


    When I go for Oliver after school I usually meet him at the Loaning Ladywell Road cross roads. There's always a

    lollipop man there. Anyway, the other day there was a bloke with white corgi dog crossing at the same time as us.

    When the corgi got to the middle of the road it stopped, lifted it's leg and pissed against the bottom of the

    "Stop Children Crossing" pole. You should have seen the look on the lollipop mans face as the urine ran under his shoes.

    I was in stitches.  


    "The more I see of men the better I love dogs" Madame De-Stael 





    Weekly Rant w/e 19-11-2010




    The blonde newly wed made her first appointment with a gynaecologist and told him that she and her husband wanted

    to start a family. "We've been trying for months now doc and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant" "I sure we'll solve

    your problem" the doctor reassured her. "If you just take your clothes off and lie on the examination table" "Oh well,

    alright doctor" agreed the blonde, blushing "But I was really wanting my husband to father my baby"


    "My Grandad told me he only got an apple and an orange for Christmas one year when he was kid" says the young

    fellow in the pub. He continued. "A laptop and a mobile. Not bad for 1947"



    A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife." "But I buried your wife ten years ago,"
    replied the undertaker. "I got married again," the man sobbed. "Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

    Little Boy (while doing his homework) “Dad, could you help me find the lowest common denominator?”
    Dad “Haven’t they found that yet? They were looking for it when I was at school.


    A youth goes off to Uni., and by half way through the term he has foolishly squandered all his allowance money

    so he calls home. "Dad" he says you won't believe it. But they've got a course that will teach our dog, Rex to talk" "How

    much to get Rex on this course?" "Just send him down here with £2000" So his father sends him down with the money.

    At the end of the term the lad calls his Dad to make arrangements to come home. He then said "When I told Rex

    about us going home Rex said 'Is your father still messing about with the blonde barmaid from the Mucky Duck'

    "I hope you shot the lying cur, before he talks to your mother" the father exclaims. "I sure did Dad" "Well done son"

    The youth went on to study Law at Oxford and eventually became a Tory Politician.



    Glass coffins! Will they be a success? 'Remains to be seen'


    "Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He replied "Because they don't have

    any balls to scratch"


    Nature studies have revealed that a lion would never be unfaithful to his partner. But a Tiger Wood.


    Last Thursday night I watched a stand up comedy competition program on the box. It was on ITV 4 (freeview 24) at 11.15 pm.

    It was called Stand Up Heroes. It's sponsored by the magazine FHM and most of the acts were pretty good.

    I think it's on every week at that time.


    Liz asked me to get a birthday card for her brother the other day. On the front it read "You may be older than you've

    ever been before" And on the inside it read "But you're also younger than you'll ever be again"

     It was John's birthday on Friday and he was getting drinks sent over to him from all over the place. He was a bit

    sarcastic about the fact that I never bought him a birthday drink. So at the corner on the road home I took a note out

    of my pocket and forced it into his hand saying "Have a few drinks on me" Eventually he took it saying thanks. I said "no

    bother John. It's actually the money I took out your sisters birthday card before I put it through your letter box earlier

    today" When we got home Liz said "I didn't put any money in that card. How much did you give him?" I replied "it

    was an old pound note I found in that pair of trousers of mine you were throwing out a few days ago"



    “I bumped into a man sobbing outside a department store who told me he hates this time of year, having to dress up

    in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people" Says the bloke in the pub. I told him,

    ‘Look, Mr Hartley, it was your decision to sign for Aberdeen.”





    Weekly Rant w/e 12-11-2010



    "Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love?" Asks the bloke in the pub. He replied  "They hate to see their husbands
    enjoying themselves!"

    "Why do all men float?" Asks the lady in the pub "Because they're all scum"


    An old man and an old woman are relaxing one day on their porch, in their rocking chairs. All at once the old woman reaches over
    and hits the old man, knocking him out of his chair. He asked her "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "That's for 45 years
    of bad sex!" The old man climbed back into his chair and began to ponder what had just happened. After about 15 minutes the old
    man reaches over and belts the old woman hard enough to knock her completely off the porch. "What the hell was that for?" she
    screamed. He answered "That's for knowing the difference!"



    A bloke walks into a bar and says to the barman "Give me two double whiskies" the barman says

    "Sounds like you've had a bad day mate?" "Yes" the bloke replies "I've just found out my older

    brother is gay" Next day he's back and demands three double whiskies. When the barman asks

    him what's the matter now he replies "I've just found out my younger brother is also gay" On the

    next day he's back asking for four doubles. The barman inquires "Does nobody in your house like

    women?" "Yes" answers the bloke "My wife"  



    This Rooney bashing has goon too far. I'm outside Old Trafford and there's this guy burning small effigies of Rooney and

    selling them to the fans!. Oh hang on --- It's a baked potato stand.


    We were in Aberdeen last Saturday for another Judo Competition. Oliver only got a bronze. It reminded me of these old chestnuts.


    This Aberdonian reverses his car into another car in a car park. He takes a pen and a note pad out and writes down 'I've
    just reversed my car into yours smashing your bumper and light unit. Quite a few people seen this and some are still
    watching me. They obviously think I'm writing my name and address on this note but I'm not.' He then folded it in two
    and slipped under the windscreen wipers.

    An Aberdonian is walking along Union Street in Aberdeen with only one shoe on. Another fella taps him on the shoulder and asks
    “Have you lost a shoe?” “No” replies the Aberdonian “I’ve just found one”


    The Aberdonian liked to watch the porn film backwards. It was so he could see the hooker give the bloke his money back.  

    On the road back from Aberdeen Liz was doing my head in "you're driving too fast, you're not indicating, this car is
    moving erratically" I said "the next time I take you out in the car I'm going to get ear plugs that eradicate the sound
    of your voice" Oliver, who was sitting in the back seat piped in "Papa can you get me a set of those too"                                                                                  


    "What's the biggest craving that a pregnant woman has?" Asks the lady in the pub "Wishing that it was her husband

    that was pregnant"


    “I complimented my wife on having an hour-glass figure.” says the bloke in the pub He then added: “I didn’t tell her it
    was because all the weight is slowly moving to the bottom.”




    Weekly Rant w/e 05-11-2010




    An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the the artist....... "Paint me with diamond earrings,
    a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things."
    "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his
    new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.


    Halloween was on Sunday night. Despite Liz having a basket of goodie bags only one batch of kids came to the door.

    Two of them opted to tell a joke. The first one said "What did the fish say when it swam into the brick wall?" he replied

    "Dam" The second lad said "What happened when the carrot died?" "There was a large turnup at the funeral"

    My grandson Oliver's Halloween joke is "If there's a bloke stuck in a house without any windows or doors and all

    he has is a table and a saw, how does he get out" Tell us I said "He saws the table in two. Two halves make a whole.

    Then he jumps out the hole" 

    This bloke in a disco goes up to girl and says "You must be the cutest girl in here tonight" she replied "I wish I could say
    the same about you" "You could" says the fellow "If you were as big a liar as I am"

    A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
    in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a
    beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."


    "How do you fit four blondes on a bar stool?" asks the bloke in the pub "Turn it up side down"



    Last Saturday I was at a Judo competition in Larkhall. My grandson Oliver won another gold medal. One of the kid's

    father went into the local bookies and put a tenner on Inverness Caley to beat Rangers. After the looks he got, he said

    "If my bet comes up I'll have to hire Securicor to collect my winnings". On the road home I noticed a new sandwich shop

    had opened up. It must be the only Subway shop in the country which is not painted on the outside in the company's

    corporate green. It's done in black instead. It's maybe an environmental thing?.  I used to be friendly with a chap who worked for

    Amy Construction. He did tarmac repairs to roads. I remember him telling me about the time he was sent to Larkhall.

    After inspecting the broken tarmac he took a indelible spray can from his bag. He would normally mark down the outline of the

    area to be removed. After he marked the first cross down the local lad who was working with him shouted "Stop,

     this is Larkhall you can't go round putting crosses all over the roads here. A dot will do fine"

      I remember a way back in the early 60's the first set of traffic lights got put up in Larkhall. The day after the lights

    were installed the sequence changed from red amber green to red amber blue. Yes, somebody had went out through

    the night and painted the green coloured lights blue.

      Yes, there's more as Jimmy Cricket would say. I remember the time when a thief broke into Jimmy Cricket's house

    and he lost everything. Well, Jimmy did keep saying "there's more"  Nobody in Larkhall ever listens to Radio Clyde.

    They don't like the initials of the radio station.



    "I caught my wife watching a cookery program today" says the bloke in the pub. I said to her "But you can't cook"

    She replied "You watch porn, don't you?"


    How true!

    *London Times - Obituary*
    An Obituary printed in the London Times........ interesting and sadly rather true. Today we mourn the passing of
    a beloved old friend, "Common Sense", who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure just how old he was,
    since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
    valuable lessons as:
    Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it
    was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (*don't spend more than you can earn*)
    and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly
    when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with
    sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
    teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when
    parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
    children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or
    an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
    abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better
    treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
    burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,
    after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was
    promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by
    his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
    I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because
    so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.



    Weekly Rant w/e 29-10-2010


    A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by his place of work.
    She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
    The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"



    Arnold fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower
    wrapped in a bath towel and said, "I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to
    see me in my new dress?" "I would like 'nothing' better." said Arnold.


    During a maths class, one of the boys accidentally stabbed his hand with a compass.
    When the teacher came over to see what the problem was, the boy asked for a glass of Cider.
    The teacher looked at the hand, looked at the boy and asked "Why would you want a glass of Cider for that?"
    The boy replied "Well, my sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she must get it in Cider!"

    "How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" Asks the lady in the pub "None, because they never get the house"


    I have just read a piece in the paper about Joan Rivers attending a charity dinner. Charles and Camilla who have adopted

    Joan as their court jester were also in the audience. Against all protocol Joan jumps to her feet to make an impromptu speech.

    "I just want to say" she rasps, raising her glass for a toast "This is for all you bitches in the room who married your

    husbands for their money" there was a stunned silence. But when the royal hosts burst out laughing so does everybody

    else. Joan reminds me so much of Bill Hicks one of my all time comedy greats.

          There are two stories that I all ways remember about Bill Hicks. His mother was friendly with Frank Sinatra's mother.

    Bill was seeking recognition at the time and his mother told Frank's mother about this and asked her to ask Frank

    to go to one of his shows. Bill was doing his stand up and Frank walked in. "Ah Frank, thanks for calling by. How did your

    singing lessons go to-day?" says Bill. There was an eerie silence and the two bodyguard standing on either side of Frank

    were waiting on the nod to pounce. After a moment or two Frank giggled and said "Very funny Bill" And everybody laughed.

            After they became friends they happened to be dinning in the same restaurant. Bill was with a new girlfriend

    who he was trying to impress. As he went to the boys room Bill went up to Frank and told him about the new girlfriend

    and asked him if he would call over to the table letting her know you were one of my friends.  Sure enough later on

    Frank walks up to the table with his hand out saying "How's it going Bill?" "Frank, f***k off, can't you see I'm busy"

    was the reply. How he got away with it I'll never know. This routine has been used many times but this where it originated from.   



    A business man is on a plane and asks the stewardess for a double scotch. In the next sea is a parrot, who

    snaps rudely "A large scotch - and make it quick" The stewardess immediately gets the bird his drink ignoring

    the businessman. The parrot downs it in one and snaps at the waitress "Gimme another" The bloke sitting next

    to the parrot decides to adopt the parrots tactics and snarls to the stewardess "Look you old bat, get me a double

    scotch this minute" Suddenly the burly co- pilot appears and tosses them both from the plane. While falling to the

    ground the parrot says to the bloke "You know you are very brave for somebody who can't fly"   


    A Glasgow lawyer was in court trying to butter up a witness by telling him: “You’re a very bright,
    smart witness.” And the chap replied: “Thank you. If I wasn’t under oath I’d repay the compliment.”


    "My boy friend asked me to marry him" says the lady in the pub "I told him I liked the simple things in life

    but I didn't want to marry one"



    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
    "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
    jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To get away with doing nothing, you must be
    sitting very, very high up.


    Weekly Rant w/e 22-10-2010



    "You can tell it's getting near Xmas" says the bloke in the pub "The bin men have started saying 'good morning' "


    After a long career of being blasted into a net, the Human Cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he

    was going to retire. "But you can't" said the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?" 


    Donald from the north of Scotland is awarded a place at Oxford University. After his first week his
    mother phones him to ask how he’s getting on. “Its not too bad” replies Donald “But there’s some funny
    people here. Around midnight every evening the chap in the dormitory to the left of me keeps hitting
    his head against the wall and the chap to the right hits the wall with a baseball bat while the fellow
    above prances up and down the floor.” “Why don’t you report it?” asks his mother “ It doesn’t bother
    me too much” replies Donald “I’m usually up practicing on my bagpipes"


    I was at the barbers the other day. Honestly I couldn't  believe this. There was a four year old getting his hair

    cut in front of me. He was getting a crew cut. But after that he had to have two wavy lines just above his ear

    and then crosses cut below the bottom line and a miniature pony tail at the bottom of a vee section taper. He was

    in that chair for around 45 minutes. The lad was  instructing the barber just as much as his mother who was

    sitting beside me. Now I ask you "What kind of attitude to style is that kid going to have when he is a teenager?"

    Anyway eventually when I got into the chair the barber asked me if I was working today. I lied and said "No I'm

    retired now. My old age pension started last week" It's a long long time since I had a £4.60 haircut.

    "What's the difference between men and women?" Asks the lady in the pub "Men are grumpy all month long."

    "What do you call a woman that has everything that you ever wanted?" Asks the bloke in the pub  "Your ex-wife."

    "What does "women" stand for?" Asks the bloke in the pub "Will Obey Mans Every Need"

    It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute,
    loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit
    and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding
    on with one hand and 2 feet, grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
    excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that
    his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
    play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
    Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to
    tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs..." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
    Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the
    gorilla, and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!!!!!!"

    "What does "wife" stand for?" Asks the bloke in the pub "Washing Ironing F**king Etc"

     Did you hear the one about the overprotective farmer and his three daughters? Whenever one of his
    daughters had a date, he would meet the young man at the door with a shotgun in his hand. One night,
    all three daughters had dates. When the first date rang the bell, the farmer picked up his shotgun and
    answered the door. "Hi, I'm Eddie," said the boy, "I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get spaghetti."
    The farmer didn't care much for poetry, but let his oldest daughter go out anyway. A little bit later the
    doorbell rang again. The farmer grabbed his shotgun, opened the door, and the boy said "Hi, I'm Joe.
    I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show." The farmer let his middle daughter out for the evening.
    With only his youngest daughter left at home, the doorbell rang again. Shotgun in hand the farmer
    opened the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck..." began the boy. The farmer shot him.

    Many years ago I woke up one morning with a stunner of headache not being able to remember a thing
    about the night before. Although I do remember going to the Burns Supper. When I looked about the
    room my clothes were neatly folded on the chair. Arriving at the breakfast table there was a full fry
    up waiting for me. I said to Yvonne (my daughter) “What’s the score here?” she replied “dad you were
    as drunk as a lord last night and when mum tried to take your trousers off to put you to bed you said
    "take your filthy hands off me, I’m married”






    Weekly Rant w/e 15-10-2010


    A couple who have been divorced for 10 years meet up again at a party. The former husband has a good bevy
    in him and suggests they go to bed together “just for old times sake” “over my dead body!” she replies. He
    responded to this by saying “I see you haven’t changed much.”

    This bloke is going home from the pub in the early hours of the morning with a good bead in him. He stops
    a policeman and asks him the time. The cop says “one o’clock” then takes out his truncheon and whacks
    the drunk over the head with it. “Bloody hell” replies the bloke “I’m glad it wasn’t 12 o’clock”

    "What is the new meaning of “love”" asks the bloke in the pub "A temporary insanity which can be cured by marriage"

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been
    checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her
    glass eye pops out of its socket and comes flying toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, catches it,
    and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy
    your dinner to make it up to you," she says. My name is Sally Collins - with two L's and one I". (No! This
    is not the punch line!) They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre
    followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens...
    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay
    for breakfast. They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
    Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. She says, "You just happened to catch my eye!"



    Oliver (my grandson) came in from school the other day with a new arithmetic jotter. Oliver announced

    "The teacher said I've to cover this with left over wall paper" She is a right nosey parker. I reckon she

    just wants to see what the inside of our house looks like.


    This joke of mine was printed in the Herald click on link below.




    "My mate's got a new eastern European girlfriend" says the bloke in the pub "It took her 5 hours to hoover

    the flat. It turns out she's a Slovak" boom boom !!



    "My wife has a terrible memory" says the bloke in the pub "She remembers everything."



    A blonde and a brunette are sitting in the pub. The blonde says "When I become nervous waiting to board my holiday plane

    I have a couple of stiff ones" "And what if that doesn't work?" Asks the brunette "I try a couple of double vodkas"


    A blonde visiting a zoo was seen by the Zookeeper throwing £10 notes into the elephant enclosure. "Why are you throwing

    money to the elephants?" Asks the Zookeeper. "The sign says it's OK" she replied. "No" said the zookeeper "The sign says

    it's not OK" "No it doesn't" said the blonde "It says:- Do not feed £10 fine"



    I was at a pub friend's funeral the other day. The chapel was pretty full and I ended up sitting up the front behind the

    family. When George's daughter turned round she noticed the tears running down my cheeks. She then said "I didn't

    realise that you were that close to my dad" "It's not so much that dear" I said "When the priest was throwing the

    incense over the coffin it was drifting over here and going in my eyes" I passed Dick Hall later on in the day. Now I

    wouldn't say Dick is the village idiot but he's the nearest we've got to one. Anyway, he says to me "That's George

    away with the fairies now, isn't it?" When George first took unwell earlier on in the year; I was talking to him up

    in Weatherspoon's. He had just got out of hospital and was given a week's supply of steroids. He said to me "John,

    I feel like a seventeen year old again. When my wife woke up this morning and felt my hard on pressed against her arse

    she thought she was in bed with another bloke" When I asked him if he could spare a few tablets he said "No way"  


    It reminded me of the two old dears in the nursing home. One said to the other "If you don't come to my funeral Madge I

    won't be going to yours"




    Weekly Rant w/e 08-10-2010


    "Me and my husband are now practicing safe sex" says the well off lady in the pub "When he becomes amorous and

    wants a bit of sex I whisper in his ear 'no child benefit.' "

    This is an original joke of mine which was printed in the Herald. click on link below to view.



    "Men are all the same" says the lady in the pub "they just have different faces so you can tell them apart"


    "Why do most men prefer virgins?" Asks the woman in the pub "Because most men can't stand criticism"


    "Marriage is like a pack of cards" says the bloke in the pub "To start with all you need are two hearts and a diamond.

    After ten years you wish you had a club and a spade"


    This guy went to his local Spa to buy some authentic loose tea. Unable to find any on the shelves he approached

    the owner of the shop and asked him if he had any proper-tea. "Yes" replied the shop keeper "I've got this

    shop and three flats.


    "I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank" says the lady in the pub "until one night he

    came home sober...."


    "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..." says the bloke in the pub "and then it was too late"



    "I'm from a family of eleven" says the bloke in the pub "I didn't know what it was like to sleep alone until I got married"


    While we were at Blackpool the other weekend Liz and I went to Madam Tussauds. It was only a fiver each to get in.

    But the bloke gave us three tickets. When I queried him about this he said "These two are for you to get in

    and this last one is for your wife to get out" Honestly folks we were walking around stopping at any interesting exhibits

    when this commissionaire chap came up to me and "Will you keep your wife moving sir" When I asked why he said

    "We're stocktaking"

    Back in the 60's I used to go to Blackpool quite a lot. The joke I can recall from then was:-

    Did you hear about the lady that went to Blackpool for a little sun? She ended coming back

    with one. boom! boom!      



    I recently received an "e" mail from a David Park in Melbourne Australia. He contacted me after finding
    my website with my family tree details on it. It turns out that my great great great grandfather
    and his great great grandfather were brothers. His forbearer emigrated to Australia. How
    anybody managed to make that journey around 1870 I'll never know.
    My web site must be very popular. I get messages from every nook and cranny in the world.
    I have also had offers from large advertising agencies offering to buy advertising space on my site.
    I knocked the last two back. Well, one was from a company selling dildos and the other was from a
    fertility clinic. Honesty folks that's true.


    "Old men don't take Viagra because they're impotent" says the old bloke in the pub "It's because old women are so

    f*****g ugly" 



    A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his
    staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!"
    demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years.
    I pay him €200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her €150 per
    week plus free room and board. "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90%
    of all the work around here. He makes about €10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
    of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...
    the halfwit!" said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.




    Weekly Rant w/e 01-10-2010


    for weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver (my grandson) wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip


    I've just come across a Poet who originally came from Bonkle. I was taken on by his verse so have decided to put it on

    to one of my web pages see under. I spent my first 8 years of my life in Bonkle so I can relate to some of his material.


    "I didn't get the job" says the dumb blonde in the pub "When I filled in the application form, against

    SEX :- I wrote 'three times a week'"



    Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
    to talk with you about him before I give him my answer. Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
    punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!  Then he
    takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
    me out for dinner.... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
    Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!  So then we are coming back to my
    apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
    With me two times!' Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?' 
    Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'


    You may remember a few weeks back I told this story about a time when I worked at Taskers Trailers Cumbernauld.  



    Another story I can recall about Ramsay Goldie was when he was walking to work one morning he found this dead fox lying at the

    side of the road. He took out his sheath knife and cut off it's tail. Now at that time we had a works manager called Sid Patten.

    Sid used to wear this three quarter length grey coat. Ramsay stapled the fox's tail to the back of Sid's grey coat and hid it

    from view on the coat rack. Well Sid walked about all morning with the foxes tail swaying about his rear end. It wasn't until

    later on in the day when I was out in the shop floor Sid said to me "Everybody seems to be looking at me and laughing"

    I then took him into the canteen and showed him in the full length mirror what they were laughing at. I always remember

    his exact words "That wee b*****d Goldie"

     Well, I received this "e" mail about it.
    ----- Original Message -----
    Sent: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 6:41 PM
    Subject: weekly rant w/e 2/7/2010

     Hi John Park,

    Just visited your web site having come across it via google. Thanks for making my day, my dad Sid Patten,
    being the recipient of the prank inflicted on him by a certain Ramsay Goldie..... Sadly, my dad is no longer
    alive as he passed away back in 1991. However, it was really amusing and lovely to read this wee story
    about my dad, back in the day when he worked at Taskers Trailers and to come across that interesting blend
    of Glasgow humour, which I myself don't come across so much these days, being married to a southerner
    and living in the south of England. Well done and thankyou for creating such an amusing and fun web site
    with a slightly different and quirky take on promoting your business.

    Margaret Dunsford

    Nice. Isn't it?




    We were at Blackpool last weekend. John and Janice were with us and on the road down a warning buzzer

    came on and Janice asked what it was. I explained that it was to let you know that you were over the 70 mph

    speed limit. Liz piped in "Its maybe there in case the driver is blind and can't see the speedometer"

    As we walked along Central Drive on the Saturday afternoon we passed the Joke shop. Below the window

    in large letters it said 'IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE DON'T COME IN'. I said "you three stay here and I'll

    go in" On the return journey just after the Gretna turn off there was a large sign that said "Welcome to Scotland"

    I said "On the first leg of the trip there wasn't any Welcome to England sign. I wonder why that is?" 


    Its easy enough to be cheerful, When the world rolls along like a song, But a man's worthwhile,
    If he can smile, when everything else goes wrong!
    Adolf Hitler 1945


    "What do you say to your husband after you have experienced a mind blowing orgasm?" says the lady in the pub
    "Will you remember and get some more batteries for my vibrator?"


    A farmer chaps the door of one of his neighbours. A small boy opens the door. "Is your Dad home?" asks the farmer.

    "No he Isn't. He went to Town" "Well is your Mother there?" he asks "No she went with Dad to Town" "Well" said

    the farmer uncomfortably "It's about your brother Hamish getting my daughter Susie pregnant" The boy thought for a moment

    You will have to speak to Dad about that. I know he charges £50 for the bull and £30 for the ram but I don't know

    what he charges for Hamish"



    Weekly Rant w/e 23-09-2010


    “Commonwealth Games?" says the bloke in the pub "Nae problem once the Indians sort out the cowboy builders"



    A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
    variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
    appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
    table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .
    'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which
    read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

    For more of these funny hospital stories go to




     A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now I want you take off my blouse" Good "Now I want you to take

    off my bra" Good. Now "I want you to take off my panties" "Very good. Now don't let me catch you wearing any

    of my clothes ever again.



    "I'm not saying Coleen Roony is naive" said the bloke in the pub "But when she heard Wayne had paid £1200 for

    a 19 year old escort she asked if it was taxed and M.O.T.'ed"



    A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday. The doorman says "Okay Jim?
    How's tricks?" The wife asks "How does he know you?" "Er, I play footie with him" Inside, the barman says
    "Usual Jim?" Jim says "Before you say anything he's in the darts team in my local" Next a lap dancer comes over
    and says "Hi Jim d'ya want your special again" At that the wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into
    a taxi. The taxi driver turns round and says "Bloody hell Jim you've pulled a right minger tonight"



    "I asked my wife how many men she had slept with?" says the bloke in the pub "She replied 'Only you darling.

    With all the rest I was wide awake'"


    A Bloke who needs to "fuel up" sees a sign that say's "Get petrol and free sex here". So obviously the guy was
    interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay. "Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the
    cashier. "Okay, 3!" the man replied. "No! Sorry play again". So the guy drove around for weeks always
    getting petrol at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really annoyed:
    "This has got to be a fix! I have never got the right number to have free sex!" He screamed.
    "Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"




     A Woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted

    to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers

    wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except

    one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because

     her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also

    tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,

     'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady

    replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
    Picture this:
    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk

    off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only

    tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


    "A lady called at my door this morning. She was collecting for the local sperm bank" says the bloke in the pub

    "Boy, did I give her a mouthful"



    Weekly Rant w/e 16-09-2010



    Did you see the bit in the paper the other day about the police lifting a bloke in the red light district of Manchester. When they

    looked at his mobile phone there was a video clip of a gorilla having sex with a prostitute. The picture was a little hazy but

    you could just make out the gorilla hand over £1200 to the lady of the night.   



    "When a man talks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment" Says the bloke in the pub "When a woman talks dirty to a

    bloke it's £3.50 a minute"



    "I'm going to take up meditation" Says the bloke sitting in the pub "It'll certainly be better that sitting about doing nothing"

    "I was arguing with my wife this morning" Says the fellow in the pub. She ended up saying. "okay you can have the last word as

    long as it's SORRY"



    "My new boyfriend has got some sex drive" says the lady in the pub "It takes him 45 minutes to get here in his car"


     A widowed Jewish woman, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Florida. She looked up and noticed
    that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and
    turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away
    2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago
    and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered,
    and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"  
    With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate
    lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know
    that was what I wanted? The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"



    A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly

    around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet

    round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for them

    and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over and lifted up the

    tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.

     That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,

    Hey, this looks like yours!"



     Did you hear about the blonde chef she thought "coq au van" was sex in the back of her boyfriend's transit.


    "I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier today" said the bloke in the pub "She's not dead. She thinks I'm digging

    a garden pond"



    At a village hall meeting of the paranormal the society chairman asked "Out of interest how many people here think

    they have seen a ghost?” About nine hands went up. “Remarkable” Said the top table gent. “To take the matter further”

    said the Chairman “How many people have spoken to a ghost? Four hands were raised. “And finally” said the professor

    “How many folk here have had sex with a ghost?” One hand was reluctantly raised “Come forward sir” said the chairman

    “and tell the body of the hall about your sexual experience with a ghost” “A ghost a ghost” said the bloke “I thought you said a goat”






    Weekly Rant w/e 09-09-2010



    for weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip






    I haven't sent my RANT out for a few months now. My mother took a bad turn and I wasn't in the mood for thinking of comedy stuff.

    However she's settled down now and life must go on.


    Today Friday I was up at Wishaw General. One of my thumb nails appears to have a cyst below it. After examining it the specialist a

    Dr. Evans said "In all 30 years as a doctor I've never seen anything like it. Do you mind if I bring in my colleagues to have a look at it?"

    Another four doctors trouped into the room. Each one examined it in turn saying things like amazing, incredible and astonishing. I felt like

    one of these freaks that user to go round with the circuses 100 years ago. After it was photographed and the nurse make an appointment

    for a miner operation the doctor said "If it goes away I still want you to turn up and I'll remove that mole from your neck and that little

    piece of lose skin from your brow" "What kind of Doctor are you?" I asked "I'm a cosmetic surgeon" he replied. "Can I bring my wife along with

    me as well?" I asked.



    Last Monday night we were at an "Enable Scotland" charity night in the Cafe Manzil in Hamilton. Tam Cowan hosted

    it. Boy is he crude and rude? But the audience loved it and that's what it's all about. The best story was when he talked about

    having John McCririck on "OFF THE BALL" Tam said he had to take him to the canteen before the show. When Tam was in the lift with

    him there was a strong smell. It was like a mixture of stale body odour and horse shit. As they sat at the table with there rolls on tuna

    Carol Smillie came over and putting her plate of salad down she said she was going for a drink. After taking a bite of his roll John coughed

    and spluttered a chunk of tuna mixed with sweet corn landed in the middle Carol's salad. Tams punch line was "I haven't told Carol to this day"

    Tam announced that the raffle was a nominal £5 a head but feel free to put a bit extra in the envelope. Just after that as I passed the bar

    on the road to the toilet a bloke was asking for four fivers for a twenty pound note. The barman told him there wasn't any fivers or tenners

    for that matter in the till. Nice one.


    Part of this story was printed in the Herald



    On the penultimate weekend of the Festival Liz and I were in Edinburgh. On the Saturday I was  looking about for somewhere

    I could do a bit of stand up. There wasn't an audience at any of the open mic's and when I asked in a couple of the pubs I was

    told they were all full up.  Honesty folks there was "Would be" stand ups from all over the world. On the Sunday we ended up in

    one of the Stand clubs In the afternoon. It was impromptu stuff which pretty good. After visiting a few hostelries we ended up

    back in the flat. I said to Liz "What time is the John Bishop show on tonight?" She looked at the tickets and "said ten past eight"

    I said "That's a funny start time for a show. Let me see those tickets" It read Sunday 22nd August 2010.

    We had went through on the City Link bus service and on the road back there was demonstrations outside the RBS headquarters

    and the bus took a detour along a country lane. In the seat in front of us a blonde and a brunette were sitting The blonde pointed

    to a herd of milk cows and said "I wonder why all all those cows are so dour faced?" "So would you be"  replied the brunette

    "If you got woke up at 4.30 every morning, had your tits sucked for half an hour and then you didn't get a shag"



    "I've been in the bedroom of every woman in my street" said the bloke in the pub "I'm a painter and decorator"
    "My wife has her own method of birth control" says the bloke in the pub "she takes her make-up off"
    “MY sister had a baby,” announced the chap in a pub “I told her to call him George.
    That way when he goes to school all his jumpers from Asda will already have his name tag on them.”
    "I'm just a social drinker" says the bloke in the pub "every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink'. I say, 'Social I'"




    Weekly Rant w/e 09-07-2010


    for weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip




    The barmaid is looking over at the a lady in the corner flirting with an older gentleman. She says to her mate

    "She's been responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood"


    'WAITER this coffee tastes like mud' 'Well sir, it is fresh ground'


    My brother-in-law John Mitchell tells me (a long time ago story and now quite a common joke) about his pal Stevie

    ordering a pizza. When asked whether he wanted it cut into four or six segments, Stevie replied "four, I could never eat six"   


    "My Wife's one in a million" Says the bloke in the pub "But I often wonder where the other 999,999 were the day I met her"


    After Nigeria's poor performance in the World Cup their manager has said he would like to recompense all the supporters

    who went to see them. All they have to do is send him their full bank details.


    A tourist up north was about to scoop a drink of water from a burn.  A local farmer spotted him and shouted: “Dinnae drink that waater, it’s fu ae keech fae the coos.” The tourist replied  “My good fellow, I’m from England. Could you repeat that, in English?” To which the keeper replied: ‘‘I said, use two hands – you’ll spill less that way.”

    "Why are husbands like lawn mowers?" asks the lady in the pub "Because they're hard to get started, emit noxious odours

    and half the time they don't work"


    A bloke walks into a bar and orders a double whisky. Before he orders a second one he looks at something in his top shirt

    pocket. This goes on for six drinks. As he is about to order his seventh drink the barman says to him "I'll go on serving you all night but

    can you tell what your looking at in your top pocket?" The bloke replies "It's a photo of my wife. When she starts to look

    good I know it's time to go home"


    "I drink to forget" says the bloke in the pub "My wife stays sober to remind me"


    And a Malapropism

    "Where do I collect my wages?" said the defendant to the court clerk. "The judge say's he's putting you on parole" answered

    the clerk "Not on the pay-roll"


    Our dog Sammantha has just had her hair all clipped off. So the other morning I said "Right Baldy come with me and

    I'll take you for a walk" of course Liz said "Don't call the dog Baldy you'll hurt her feelings"



    "All that crap, you're putting it in the paper? It's all been denied. Katie Graham …

    is gonna get her tits caught in the wringer if that's published." Katherine Graham editor

    of the Washington Post threatening to publish the first details of the Watergate affair.


    We watched Tom Jones on BBC1 the other night. First there was a biographical program and then about an

    of him at Glastonbury last year. It was amazing how the young audience took to him. We went to see him at the SECC

    last year. The last time we had seem him live was in Bournmouth 1972. I said to Liz I don't think

    the knickers you flung on stage will still fit you.


    About seven o'clock last Saturday night Liz said she was going down the Strathclyde Park to do a  bit of jogging with two of her pals.

    I said "You can't go down there it's full of homosexuals paedophiles doggers and voyeurs. You, Eileen and Janice in your jogging gear.

    You'll frighten the living daylights out of them"    






    Weekly Rant w/e 02-07-2010



    Park Engineering now on Facebook at address below




    The continuing story about Peter Tobin being Bible John reminds me about the time back in the early 70.s I worked in a fabrication

    shop In Cumbernauld. The shop floor prankster was Ramsay Goldie. Ramsay had been working away with a guy called Steven Wallace.

    Steven had casually said to Ramsay "God be with you my son" Ramsay made some excuse and went into one of the empty offices

    dialled 999 and said "I think the bloke working next to me is Bible John" Well the police were there in minutes. My office was on the

    road into the workshop and I can always remember Steven getting huckled into the police car still wearing his welders helmet and leather

    gloves. I'll never forget the look on his face and when he got dropped off four hours later he wasn't a happy bunny either. 

    Another story I can recall about Ramsay was when he was walking to work one morning he found this dead fox lying at the side of the

    road. He took out his sheath knife and cut off it's tail. Now at that time we had a works manager called Sid Patten. Sid used to wear

    this three quarter length grey coat. Ramsay stapled the foxes tail to the back of Sid's grey coat and hid it from view on the coat rack.

    Well Sid walked about all morning with the foxes tail swaying about his rear end. It wasn't until later on in the day when I was out in the

    shop floor Sid said to me "Everybody seems to be looking at me and laughing" I then took him into the canteen and showed him

    in the full length mirror what they were laughing at. I always remember his exact words "That wee b*****d Goldie"

    In the same work place we had a guy who was given the nick name "Hip Hip" His real name was Hugh Rae.


    Did you see the bit in the paper about Alan Cameron getting 25 years for killing his girlfriend. The thing about it was he cut the body

    into parts and started getting rid of them in the isolated outskirts of Edinburgh. They reckon he would have got away with it if

    the arse hadn't fallen out of an Ikea carrier bag while he was walking down the Leith Walk. 


    "After I said I do" Said the bloke in the pub "All my wife says is 'oh no you won't'"


    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife. A successful wife is one who

    can find such a man.


    A bloke walks into Marks & Sparks and says "It's my wife's birthday. Can I have a see through negligee size 50-55-65"

    "Why do you want to see through that?" says the shop worker.


    "What's the difference between a man and a cup of coffee?" asks the lady in the pub "Well, a cup of coffee keeps you

    awake at night"


    "Never let a fool kiss you" Said the second lady in the pub "And at the same time never let a kiss fool you"


    "That was a very pleasant evening" said the lady to her first time date "Lets keep it that way and not see each other again"


    I've just come across John Thomson on youtube doing Bernard Righton. It's mostly Bernard Manning jokes with a different ending.

    I thought it was pretty good. the one I recall.  There was a Darkie and a Jew standing at the bus stop. The Darkie said "What time's

    the bus, due?" boom boom


    Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things"

    that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


    And where would we be without a football joke?

    The FA have decided to redesign England shirt........from now on the famous "Three Lions"

    will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst Period in English football history.



    Weekly Rant w/e 25-06-2010


    or weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip



    I don't know why but I've just joined facebook?




    I just read a bit in the paper about a farmer in the Aberdeen area. He got up one morning and there were

    about a dozen gypsy caravans in one of his fields. Seemingly because of government legislation regarding location

    of council sites, neither the land owner, the council nor the police can force them to move on. You couldn't 

    make it up. It reminds me of one of Richard Littlejohn's (Daily Mail) stories. The old lady telephones the police

    and tells them that gypsy caravans have moved into a field next to her and they're starting to cause havoc. "I'm

    sorry" says the desk sergeant "Because of the non urgency of the matter and our limited resources it'll be two days before

    we can get somebody to call on you" Fifteen minutes later she calls the police station again "It's the old lady calling

    about the gypsy's. Just to let you know my husband has filled his pockets with cartridges and walking towards

    them with his 12 bore shotgun" Within four minutes the place was surrounded by 'siren howling' police cars. 



    Pat and Mick are working at the local sawmill. Mick slips and his arm is severed by a bench saw.  
    Paddy puts the arm in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
    Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks about Mick. The nurse says, 'he's in Rehab exercising'.                                                                    Paddy couldn't believe it, but yes Mick was exercising his re-attached arm.
    A couple of days go by, and Mick is back at work and once again slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
    Paddy dutifully puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to hospital.
    The Next day he asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure
    Enough, Mick was doing serious work on a treadmill. Very soon Mick comes back to work. But within a couple of                                                         days he has another accident and this time severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts his head in a bag and transports  it and                                                it and Mick back to the hospital.  Next day when he goes the nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
    Paddy is shocked. 'I guess that saw finally did him in eh?' 'No', says the nurse, 'Someone put his head in a plastic bag and
    He suffocated'.





    After a bad car accident this bloke has serious facial injuries.  The plastic surgeon assures the bloke

    that by slicing a section of his buttocks and grafting it into the side of his face it’ll be hardly noticeable. 

    It works out a treat. At the Bloke’s final check up he  is given the bill for £10,000. He writes a cheque

    out and gives it to the surgeon. After looking at the piece of  paper the surgeon says “this  cheque’s for

    £12,000” “The extra is to express my gratitude” replies the bloke “I get immeasurable pleasure every

    time my mother in gives me a peck on the cheek”


    A monkey goes up to a gorilla and asks if he has a can-opener. The gorilla replies "You don't need a can-opener for

    bananas" "I know" said the monkey "It's for the custard" 



    Just after we got married we stayed in Carnbroe on the outskirts of Coatbridge. The nearest pub was Macks bar.

    I always remember being in there one night when this bloke came up to me and said "Your name is John Park and

    you were in the same class as me at Newmains Primary school" "mmm" I said "I can't remember you" "My name

    is John Kane" "Ah" I said "I remember you now. On my first day at school my first words to you were

    "You've got your wellingtons on the wrong feet"



    As we sat having our breakfast the other morning there was a flapping noise came falling down the chimney.

    Then there was squawking and flapping coming from behind our gas fire. So rather than mess up anything inside the room

    I took a brick out of the outside gable wall. When I had broken through into the old fire place I stood back and sure

    enough a birds head popped out for a look about. Liz came up and said "What kind of bird is that?" "I don't know what it started off as"

    I said "But it's now a blackbird"




    Q:- "What do you call an intelligent blonde?"

    A:- "A golden Labrador"


    Paddy:- "I'm thinking of getting a Labrador"

    Mick:- "By jeeze, Don't get one of them. Have you seen the number of

               people who have turned blind with one of them dogs"



    1st Bloke:- How did you get on at your speed dating last night?

    2nd Bloke:- It was terrible, not a bit of crack all night.


    1st Bloke:- Have you got a date for your wedding yet?

    2nd Bloke:- Yes, I was thinking of taking my girlfriend.




    I watched the Jeremy Kyle Show the other morning. Honestly folks, that program helps groups of people

    who are too stupid to realise that their problems are being exploited in the name of entertainment.




    Weekly Rant w/e 18-06-2010



    I particularly liked the Nicolas Parsons story through the week. In order to dissuade him from going into Show Business his father

    sent him to a Clydeside Shipyard to work as an engineering apprentice. He was now in one of the best comedy environments

    in the country. After a short time he was nick named "the wee comic" and left to work in the theatre. 



    Our very first package holiday was to Corfu. Liz cut her foot while on the beach. When I asked a local chap where the medical

    centre was he told me to look for a green cross. When we found it there was a sign up saying "English speaking doctor"

    "What a good idea I thought. They should try that back home"




    When I was walking down Merry Street last week-end a couple of American tourists stopped me and asked

    where they could get something to eat. I replied "At the bottom of the road Weatherspoon's is on the right

    or go back up the street and The Railway Tavern in on the other side of the road" "Where's the best place to go to?"

    she asked. "Let me put it to you this way" I replied "Whichever one of the two you go to you'll wish you had went to the other one"

    go to address below to view in the Herald




    That reminded me of a time about ten years ago. I had just come out Motherwell library and there were two Australian Tourists

    standing. Pointing over the road the bloke said to me  "How is it that the four faces of the town clock are all at different times?"

    "Well" I said "If they were all at the same time we wouldn't need the four faces. Would we?" 




    A former Tory M.P. giving advice to new female M.P.'s "The occupational hazards are the 3A's -

    Arrogance, alcoholism and adultery"  and who else could it be giving the advice but Edwina Currie.



    "What's the difference between men and pigs?" asked the lady in the pub "Well, pigs don't turn into men

    when they've got a drink in them"


    A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy  -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription...


    Did you read in the paper the other week about the Romanian stowaway who hid in the undercarriage area of a boeing 747

    They reckon he had twice as much leg room as the average Ryanair budget airline passenger.


    And wasn't it terrible to hear about the two young twin sisters who were mauled by the fox. Although it's unusual

    it's not the first time that type of thing has happened. Around the year 1750 near the Gowkthrapple area but down towards the Clyde

    a three year old was attacked by two foxes. It reminds me of the time about five years after we were married I was in the

    garden hoeing between my rows of vegetables. When I looked down to the rear of the house there was a fox sniffing around

    the open back door. I marched down towards it. As there was nowhere else to go the fox ran in the back door. Liz was in the

    kitchen making the tatties and mince when the fox joined her. She let out an almighty scream and the fox bolted between my

    open legs as I stood in the doorway. I consoled Liz by saying "Take it as a compliment dear. Your cooking must be getting better"





    Weekly Rant w/e 11-06-2010



    or weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip

    Oliver wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip






    A farmer was ploughing a field when he found a body, so he phoned the museum and said "I've just found the body of a 4,000 year old man

    who died of a sever heart attack" "Hold on" said the Museum curator "How could you possible know that? We haven't even examined the body" 

    "Oh" replied the farmer "I forgot to tell you. He had a betting slip in his pocket and written on it were the words All my worldly assets on Golliath"



    On Wednesday night we were in Glasgow. First we went to "the chippy doon the lane" and had a delicious sit in fish supper and then went

    to Tiger Tiger's for the regional finals of the Sun's stand up comic competition. Now, they had 115 entries and this was the best eight.

    I didn't get through. All the entrants had lots of experience raging from Ross Craig (Dunfermline) 13 years down to Paul Collins

    (Glasgow) 1 year. Glasgow based Chris Henry was probably favourite. However the winner was Mikey Adams (Glasgow) The joke that stuck

    in my mind from him was when he said "I've got a pal who will not use a condom. His nick name is The interior decorator"  

    All the entries had good delivery style but Mikay's material had an edge to it. When I went and congratulated him I enquired about his material.

    He said he didn't know what he was going to do until he went on stage. I watched some of his video clips and that's not strictly true.

    He has about six subjects that he knows he can get laughs with. When he goes on stage he has some banter with the audience and

    depending on the feed back he gets he'll hone in on a particular subject matter. The ones I can recall were students, politics, call centres, police,

    doctors & hospitals and such like.

    Liz and I stayed the night in this "Faulty Towers" type place in Renfrew street. When Liz came out of the shower in the morning her hair was bone dry.

    I queried this with her she pointed round about the room and said "There's no hair drier here. I had to put an Asda carrier bag over my head"

    It reminded me about the two blokes in the pub one night arguing about who had the ugliest wife. The first bloke went into his wallet and took

    a photo of his wife out. Handed it to his pal he said "have a look at that" "Drink up" said the second bloke "I'm taking you home to show you

    mine in the flesh" When they went into the living the bloke moved some furniture, rolled the carpet up, lifted the hatch and shouted down

    "Elsie come up here" "Will I put the paper bag over my head?" asked Elsie. "No" replied the bloke "I don't want to s**g you.

    I only want to show you to my pal"   


    "Men are like car alarms" Says the lady in the pub. "They make a lot of noise that no one listens to"


    "Women are like a good book" says the bloke in the pub "Some are a mystery. Some are thrillers. My wife is a horror"


    "My wife has got the face of a saint" says the second bloke in the pub "Yes, a Saint Bernard"


    This lady went to the doctors beaten black and blue. When asked by the doctor what happened she replied "Every time

    my husband comes in from the pub he beats me into pulp" "I've got the solution to that" said the doc. "Every time your hubby

    comes home drunk take a mouth full of luke warm tea and swish it around your mouth until he goes to bed" Two weeks later

    she visits the doctor looking fresh and reborn. After complimenting her the doctor said "see how much it  helps when you keep

     your mouth shut" 


    A man turns to his wife and says "I must admit you've brought religion into my life"

    Wife replies "Really dear is that because of our spiritual connection?" "No, not really" replied the husband

    "It's just that I didn't believe in hell until I married you"


    Q:- "What's the difference between a woman with P.M.S. and a rottweiler?"

    A:- "LIPSTICK"







    Weekly rant 04-06-2010





    or weekly rant back dates go to


    Revamped web site


    jokes by type


    jokes and cartoons


    youtube stand up clip of mine

    or if this doesn't work click on vimeo clip


    Oliver wasn't going to be out-done. View his clip




    "I can't wait for the Nigeria versus Germany game in the world cup" says the bloke in the pub "The top of the screen will say NIG-GER"



    A Billy Connolly one


    A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
      his sister from a telephone box. So he
      calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
      'Is there money in the box?
      'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.




    While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
      'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
      the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
      get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.


    A woman worries about the future until she gets married. A man never worries

    about the future until he gets married.


    A blonde a brunette and a redhead get sent to hell for their sins. On arrival St. Peter said to them "Because you're women

    I'll reprieve you from furnace duties. Instead you'll each get locked up for five years with a supply of any one item of you're choice"

    The redhead choices Vodka the brunette asks for chocolate and the blonde wants cigarettes. Five years later they are released.

    The redhead is bleary-eyed and puffy faced from the booze. The brunette is well overweight from all the chocolate.

    The blonde hasn't changed a bit but the first thing she says is "Has anybody got a light?"


    A Blonde in Church

    An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this
    congregation  has  spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan
    ." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
    tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do  not  intend  to accept this.  
    Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask  forgiveness  from
    God and this Christian Family.
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember,                                                      you will be forgiven and in your heart you  will feel glory.  Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all  was  quiet.