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 Park Engineering

 John Park, 32 the Loaning, Motherwell, North Lanarkshire, Strathclyde, Scotland, U.K. ML1 3HE

       mobile 0781 8618547

 "e" mail jpark8@btinternet.com (click on this to send me an "e" mail)
 
 this web site   www.3d-cad-steelwork.com

 

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Miller Steel.htm

 

Miller  Fabrications.htm

 

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Stand Up Comedy, can it be taught.htm

 

Wilsontown The first ironworks in Lanarkshire.htm

 

Knicker Jokes.htm

Soul Legend Percy Sledge dies aged 73.htm

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Stand by Me star Ben E King, dies at 76.htm

Ruth Rendell, Final Page for a great Author.htm

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Weekly Rants 3

Iron Horse Pub

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Bobby Vee hits Take Good Care Of My Baby and Rubber Doll

Joe Brown recalls when he was bigger than Beatles

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Nancy Riach The Lass who won all

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What did they do before doing stand up

Hardie vehemently opposed the first world war

bernie keith

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<brogan_john1@sky.com>; "lawrence houlachan" <larryhoulachan@googlemail.com>; <John.Preston@jps-cal.co.uk>; "Jim Robson" <jamesrobson@blueyonder.co.uk>; <bobandjeansinclair@googlemail.com>; alison@2croftbank.co.uk ; "kensmith" <ken.Smith@theherald.co.uk>; "Archie Park" <briarwood22@gmail.com>; <billandanna@blueyonder.co.uk>; <john.mitchell111@btinternet.com>; <thejiser@gmail.com>; <jimquigleyp1st@aol.co.uk>; <roockies@hotmail.co.uk>; <tom.mcquade@hotmail.co.uk>; <grizelsbo4@tiscali.co.uk>;  "David Park" <davepark@optusnet.com.au>; "Colin Dunsford" <dunsford@waitrose.com>; "graham mcewan" <graham.onesixsix@blueyonder.co.uk>; "yvonne park" <y.park@hotmail.co.uk>; <billmckirdle@hotmail.com>;  <henry@henryharper.co.uk>; ">" <gemmell.michael6@googlemail.com>; <jthigg77@live.co.uk>; <andrew.mcgilvray@trinitymirror.com>; tam.cowan@the-sun.co.uk ; scotlandcomedy@bbc.co.uk ; garry@3dsteel.ie ; c.brooke@dailymail.co.uk ; wmrichards@gmail.com ; muriel dunlop <muriel-james@hotmail.com> ; n.lampert@dailymail.co.uk ; Dunford Jim <Jim.Dunford@saipem.com> tom.yeates@thames.tv ; Jim and Muriel <muriel-james@hotmail.com> ; Ian Towle <ian.towle@strath.ac.uk eddie@caledonianmusic.co.uk ; SO IT GOES - John Fleming's blog <comment-reply@wordpress.com ariana.perez810@gmail.com ; billyporter8@gmail.com <billyporter8@gmail.com> Hibarikanjudo@hotmail.co.uk <Hibarikanjudo@hotmail.co.uk> ;  jonathan.geddes@trinitymirror.com <jonathan.geddes@trinitymirror.com> richard@outofboundscomedy.co.uk ; marc.deanie@the-sun.co.uk <marc.deanie@the-sun.co.uk> ;  alexmclean@cemscotland.com ; martin.greechan@deepfriedfilm.org.uk <martin.greechan@deepfriedfilm.org.uk> : robert.gold123@btinternet.com ; simon.houston@thesun.co.uk ; garry.bushell@dailystar.co.uk ; blaky41@yahoo.co.uk ; bravescotbilly2014@gmail.com ; robert.gold123@btinternet.com ; christine.lavelle@the-sun.co.uktam.cowan@the-sun.co.uk ; ggerry1965@live.co.uk

Week ending 26-08-2017  

What has four wheels and flies?  A rubbish truck. 

Patient to doctor: “in the morning I feel like Mickey Mouse and in the afternoon I feel like Donald Duck.” Doctor: “How long have you been having these Disney spells?” 

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows on too high. She looked really surprised! 

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. 

Q What’s the lightest thing in the whole wide world?   A: A willy, because even a thought can lift it. 

Q: What’s the difference between nipples and toffees?  A: Toffees go soft in your mouth.  

Feeling frisky, a man lies next to his wife and whispers: “Did you know sex can cure a headache?” “So can paracetamol!,” she replies. “But at least that lasts for four hours.” 

Paying at the till in  a sex shop, a husband is flabbergasted to find out how much his wife’s vibrators cost. He didn’t realise she had been sitting on a fortune. 

A mate asked me if I was good at anything. I said 6 down, 4 across. He replied crosswords. I said no, I used to be grave digger. 

I asked the price of some cakes in a bakery and was told: “These are £1 each – and that one is £2.” “Why does that one cost more? I asked. “Because it’s Madera cake.”

 

    Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

 

 

 

Week ending 19-08-2017  

A lady and her friend called for an ambulance. The operator asked: “What is the address?” “1419 Eucalyptus Street,” said the friend. “Can you spell that for me?” asked the operator. There was a long silence, then the friend said: “How about if I drag her her to Oak Street and the ambulance meet us there?”   

A man said he was going to hit me with a guitar’s neck… I said, “Is that a fret?” 

A man was waiting for his friend in a local pub for their weekly catch up. When the friend duly arrived, late, he was red-faced and on the verge of tears. “What on earth’s the matter with you?” His friend sniffed, took a breath and said: “I’ve just found my wife in flagrante.” The first man looked shocked and said: The first man looked shocked and said: “Really? I didn’t even know she’d gone missing.” Then even more puzzled: “And what on earth was she ding in Spain?”    

One winter’s day I met a man with a chicken on his head and one on each shoulder. He said:  ‘I felt so cold I had to put on three layers.’. 

What did the horse say after it tripped? ‘Help! I’ve fallen and couldn’t giddy-up!’ 

A number of prescriptions lenses have been stolen from an optician. A couple of suspects deny responsibility, claiming they are being framed.  

While gardening a man is stung on the willie by a bee. What’s wrong, darling?” his wife asks when she sees him limping. Pulling down his trousers, he shows her his swollen manhood. Shocked his wife starts to prey, “Lord, she begins. “Remove the pain from my husbands penis … but please … let it remain it’s current size”.  

A manager is struggling to work out an invoice, so she gets help from a young lad in the accounts. “If I gave you £2 k minus 14%, how much would you take off?” she asks. “Everything but my socks”.    

Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

Week ending 12-08-2017 

‘Why are the saucy mags. kept right up here on the top shelf?’ a woman asked her newsagent one day. ‘I’ve always thought they should be with all the other DIY publications….’   

A man and his wife are in a café. Before long a burly lorry driver sits next to them and lets out a huge belch. The man taps the lorry driver on the shoulder. ‘How dare you belch like that before my wife!’ he fumes. ‘Sorry,’ the lorry driver replies. ‘I didn’t know it was her turn first.   

What happens when clowns divorce? It results in a custardly battle. 

A bloke was selling vacuum cleaners door to door and hadn’t made a sale all week. At the last house he came to he told the woman: “I’ll throw this dust over your carpet and if it doesn’t pick it up, I’ll give you £200 and the cleaner.” She replied that the money and the cleaner were definitely hers. He covered the carpet in dust and said: “Why are you so sure?”  She said: “Because they cut off my electricity yesterday.”  

What’s the best way to get away with murder? Don’t get caught steeling crows. 

What do you do if you see a spaceman?  You park in it, man. 

Bird Lover, it is disgusting poaching swans. Everyone knows they have to be roasted. 

My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing electrical appliances. They’re in for a shock. 

A man went into a music store and asked the clerk: ‘Do you have anything by the Doors?’ ‘I sure do,’ replied the clerk. ‘A broom, a  mop and a bucket, and a fire extinguisher.’

Our local Post Office is up for sale. Of course, whoever buys it will have to pay stamp duty.

 Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

 

 

Week ending 05-08-2017 

I finally picked up the courage to ring gamblers Anonymous yesterday. They told me to ring back at 20/1. 

One wind turbine asked the other: ‘What kind of music do you like? It replied: ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

 A number of prescription lenses have been stolen from an optician. A couple of suspects deny responsibility, claiming they are being framed. 

What’s the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander. 

Why did the little biscuit cry ?.  ‘Cos his mum had been a wafer so long!’  

“My dad suggested I register for a donor card… he’s a man after my own heart.”  This was selected as the best Edinburgh Fringe joke last year. By Massai Graham. 

I asked a waiter in a French restaurant have you got frogs legs, he said yes, so I said well hop over the counter and get me a bacon sandwich. 

A lady goes into a pharmacy. ‘Do you sell extra large condoms she asks the chemist?’ ‘Yes we do,’ the chemist replies. ‘In that case,’ she says, smiling happily and sitting down. ‘I’ll just wait here for a while until someone comes in to buy some.’ 

Q: Which nursery rhyme character makes love to a woman, then never sees her a gain?. A: Humped-Her Dumped-Her.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week ending 15/07/2017

 What happened when the lion walked into the escalator? There was an uproar.

 Why don’t ant’s get sick?  Because they have antebodies.

 The flight attendant sees a suspicious—looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking. There is a pretty female passenger on board and the man she is with is an old fat slob who looks like a lecher –very sullen, mean and dangerous. The captain responds “Patricia, I’ve told you before, This is Air Force One.

 What happened when two silk worms raced each other? They ended up in a tie.

 A Buddhist friend of mine refused to have painkillers for his tooth extraction – he wanted to transcend dental medication.

 I used to date a tennis player… Love meant nothing to her.

 If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, would you please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

 What comes from Dublin and sits in your garden? Patty O’Furniture.

 “legs or breasts?” a man is asked. “I prefer a nice bum,” he replies. “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s not part of the meal deal,” Says the confused assistant at the fried chicken takeaway.

 Q Why did the man take his Viagra with an antihistamine?

A He wanted an erection that was not to be sniffed at.

While gardening, a man is stung on the Willy by a bee. “What’s wrong, darling?” his wife asks when she sees him limping. 

Did you hear about the pregnant bead bug?? She’s going to have her baby in the spring.

Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

 

 Week ending 08/07/2017

A man went to the local police station demanding to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get you’re chance in court ‘, said the desk sergeant on duty that day. ‘No. no, no!’ said the man, ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife --- I’ve been trying to do that for years!’  

Our local police station had it’s ladders pinched recently, a Police statement said: ‘If the culprits aren’t found, further steps will be taken.’ 

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.    

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means. It’s not the end of the world.  

Some friends married for more than 50 years, have always packed their own suitcases when they go on holiday. On the last occasion, the wife suggested they only take on common item, such as toothpaste, to save unnecessary weight. The husband loftily pointed out that in the event of a quarrel, the wife wouldn’t be in a position to clean her teeth. She replied, under her breath, that if they had a row, he would not have any teeth to clean. 

I’m such a bad driver, my Sat Nav’s divorced me.  

What is the name for something that is half man and half beast? – Buffalo Bill.  

What’s the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?  -- You can’t eat soup out of a Buffalo.

How many ears did Davy Crocket have ? – 3- A left ear, a right ear and a final Frontier!

A husband and wife are shipwrecked on a tiny island and desperate for food. “I can’t stand this any longer!” the husband shouted. “I’m going to cut off my willy and eat it.” “No, wait” his wife cries. “Let me give it a rub first  -- then there’ll be enough for both of us!” 

Walking down the street, Mike sees his local priest. “Morning, Father,! He calls out. “How are you today?” “I’m fine,” he replies. ”How are you” Well,” Mike begins, ”To tell you the truth, I’ve not been feeling myself .” “I’m glad to hear that,” the priest replies. “It’s a nasty habit.”    

Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

 

Week ending 01/07/2017 

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador. 

My son works in a betting shop a bloke came in and said ‘can I have £10 on Sunday at 11 to 4. The bloke continued saying it’s not a horse. It’s the pub opening times on Sunday’ 

Two women are chatting. ‘I’ve not worn ear rings for a year,’ the first one says. ‘Now my holes have closed.’ ‘Oh no,’ the second woman cries. ‘I’ve been single for a year. Now I’m worried about my vagina.’ 

‘Your bottom reminds me of a rotating washing machine,’ A man tells his wife one day. Feeling frisky in bed later that night, he begs her to make love. ‘No way’ she says. ‘I’m not switching on the washing machine for such a small load.’  

A lad is having a hard time picking up girls, so he goes to a bar. Seeing an attractive woman, he reels off pick up lines. After five minutes, she gives in. ‘OK,’ she snaps, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’m on my menstrual cycle.’ ‘That’s OK,’ the guy smiles, I’ll follow you on my moped.’ 

Opinions are like backsides. We all have them, but it’s not always wise to air them in public. 

Terry is feeling a bit horny and decides to call a sex chat line  ‘Hello, big boy,’ a woman purrs down the phone. ‘You’re through to sexy Susan and I’m here to do anything you want.’ ‘You say anything I want?’ Terry Replies. ‘Well in that case you can start by calling me back – this call is costing me a fortune.’ 

Q:- What causes more trouble than a bull in a China Shop?   A:- A hedgehog in a condom factory. 

Two pals are chatting at the bar…. ‘You’re not thinking of getting a builder in to improve your house, are you?’ Harry asks. ‘No, what makes you ask that?’ ‘Well,’ Harry answers, It’s just that your wife told mine you’re badly in need of an extension.’ 

If a young man’s obsession with masturbation becomes an addiction to sex, would you say things had got out of hand.? 

Supplied by John Park Motherwell

 

 

 

Weekly Rants week ending 24-06-2017 

Is there a word in the English language that contains all the vowels? Unquestionably 

I got fed up with getting a shock when I touched different surfaces in my house, so I decided to replace all the nylon carpets with wooden flooring. Am I happy ? I’m absolutely ex-static. 

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vender? ‘Make me one with everything.’ 

What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was. Then it dawned on me. 

I told my friend ten jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did. 

Sign on to an online dating agency, Steve asks his pal Adam for profile picture tips. Adam suggests he puts potatoes in his underpants to impress the ladies. Later, Adam sees Steve’s profile. ‘Mate,’ he says, calling him. ‘I meant the potatoes in the front of your pants, not the back.’ 

A man comes home to find his wife with two friends. ‘Hello, hun!’ his wife beams. ‘Are you up for a foursome?’ The man breaks into a big grin and immediately strips off. As her pals’ faces drop in horror, his wife says quietly: ‘Darling, we were talking about tennis.’ 

Q Have you seen the drug that’s a combo of Viagra and Laxatives? A It’s called Easy Come, Easy Go.

 A couple are watching porn and eating snacks. The woman puts her hand on the man’s lap. ‘You’re obviously excited,’ she says. ‘But how come you’re so cold?’ ‘Well,’ he replies. That’s because you’re fondling my ice lolly.’

 Supplied by  John Park from Motherwell

 

 

 

Weekly Rants week ending 10-06-2017 

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.    Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Be careful about reading while sunbathing …. It makes you well, red.

How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again?    Oh deer!

“Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? To keep her ankles warm”

“What does an Essex girl say after the doctor tells her she is pregnant? ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’”

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care!

What did the spider do on the computer? It made a website. 

If anyone asks you to spell ‘part’ backwards, …. Don’t do it….It’s a trap. 

What do you call a reptile caught lost in a snowstorm? A blizzard.  

Which brand of computer has the best voice? A Dell. 

Supplied by  John Park from Motherwell

 

 

Weekly Rants week ending 03-06-2017 

I’m addicted to having money in the bank. – I suffer from withdrawal symptons. 

Why don’t penguins talk to strangers? They find it hard to break the ice. 

An elderly couple are in bed. “How about it ?” the husband winks. ”Not tonight”, “His wife replies. “I’ll need to book myself in for a tetanus shot first thing in the morning , if you plan on sticking that rusty old thing in me.”  

Why did the golfer wear twp pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. 

My mate, who likes a drink, wet to the doctors. Dr. said: “You’re your right eye looks like chicken and mushroom, and your left eye looks like steak and kidney!” My pal said: “So what’s your verdict?” Doc. Said: “You’re pie eyed” 

What clothing does a house wear? A dress 

After a recent eye test my optician said I was colour blind. Well, that came like a bolt from the green. 

What did the cannibal say when he was full? “I couldn’t eat another mortal.” 

Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

 

Weekly Rants week ending 26-05-2017 

A fella knocks on a door and says “Hey mate, any chance of a push?” A fella comes out and shouts “Where are you?” A voice shouts back “Over here on the swings”. 

Why don’t melons ever run away to get married? Because they cantaloupe.

I used to go out with a anaesthetist – she was a complete knock out. 

How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars. 

How long have I had amnesia? As long as I can’t remember. 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he could not complain. 

What’s the difference between an unhappy two-year-old and a duckling. One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler 

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. 

My mate has had limbo dancing trophy stolen. I mean, how low can you get? 

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.  

Why is it that when somebody tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if you tell them, but if they tell there’s wet paint, you have to touch it to make sure?   

I am terrible at gardening – I always think that Eartha Kitt was a set of gardening tools. 

Scientists have grown vocal chords in a test tube … The results speaks for themselves. 

Environmentalists have warned that the proposed new Everton football ground on the banks of the Mersey could be underwater by the end of the century. They’ll have to bring on the subs! 

Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

Weekly Rants week ending 20-05-2017 

I bought the wife a chain with musical notes on it, but the clasp kept opening – it must be an unchained melody. 

Q:- How can you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a teacher or an air hostess?

A:- A nurse says ‘Now this won’t hurt one little bit’ A teacher says: ‘We’re going to keep doing this until we get it right’  And an Air Hostess says: ‘hold this over you’re mouth and nose, and breathe normally’ 

Which animal is best at hitting a cricket ball?  A bat. 

I saw a man sitting on a lamp post, I asked what are you doing up there? He said it’s the highlight of my life. 

What kind of house does cheese like to live in? A cottage. 

Why did the library book go to the doctor? It had a bloated appendix. 

I got the sack for turning the light off!.  OK, I was working in a light house!. 

I just invented a new word: Plagiarism. 

Which types of fish do you need to make a pair of shoes? A sole and an eel. 

What do you call a bald teddy?   Fred Bear. 

Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filing.

 

Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

 

 

 

Weekly Rants week ending 06-05-2017

A group of Easter bunnies hopping backwards is known as a receding Hare-Line.

How do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they take their scales wherever they go.

Why was the chicken thrown out the class?  For using fowl language.

A hunky guy walks into a bar and soon gets chatting to an attractive blonde woman. She clearly thinks the guy is to too, and the conversation quickly becomes intimate. ‘Have you got a mirror in your pants?’ the woman purrs. ‘Why do you ask?’ the guy says ‘Well,’ she replies  saucily, ‘I can see myself in there later on….’

I refused to take geometry at school. I was always scared of meeting one of those vicious circles.

I have just started my own company building boats in my attic. Business was slow at first, but recently sails have gone through the roof. 

Two men were talking over a pint. ‘My wife says I should never wear anything green because it makes me look revolting,’ said one. ‘But you’re wearing a green tie, ‘replied his pal. The husband gave a mischievous wink. ‘That’s because I am revolting!’

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Why did the strawberry cry? Because his mother was in a jam.

What is the difference between bird flu and swine flu?  One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.

Two women are discussing what they would do when their husbands have annoyed them ….  ‘I keep mine in the doghouse,’ the first woman says. ‘Well,’ you shouldn’t keep him in the doghouse too often,’ The other woman advices. He might give his bone to the woman next door.’

 Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

Weekly Rants week ending 29-04-2017 

Where is the best place to learn how to make ice cream? Sundae School. 

Can February march? No, but April may. 

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because sharks are ‘armless. 

A troubled lady goes to see a psychiatrist … ‘Doctor,’ she begins, ‘I think I’m a nymphomaniac.’ ‘Well I’m sure I can help you,’ he replies. ‘My fee is £40 an hour.’ ‘Fine,’ the woman smiles. ‘How much for the whole night?’ 

Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged. 

Why are Giraffes slow to apologise?  It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.  

A couple are in a restaurant when the man slides off his chair and under the table. Noticing this, a waitress approaches the woman. ‘Excuse me, madam,’ she whispers, ‘I think your husband just slid under the table.’ ‘No,’ the woman replies frostily. ‘My husband just walked in the door.’  

Q Why don’t cowboys make good lovers?  A They think eight seconds is a good ride. 

After a night out, a couple kiss goodnight at her front door. Feeling frisky, the guy leans his hand against the wall and says: ‘Honey, how about a blow job?’ ‘No!’ she says. ‘My parents will see!’ ‘Oh, come on, who’ll see us at this hour?’ he says, and continues to beg for the next few minutes. Suddenly a light goes on inside and the door opens. The girl’s pyjama clad sister yawns and says: ‘Dad says to give him a blow job …. Or, I can do it,’ she begins. ‘If need be, Mum will come down and do it herself. Just tell him to take his hand off the intercom!’ 

Why didn’t the sun go to university? It was too bright.  

   Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

Weekly Rants week ending 22-04-2017

A farmer finds a semi-naked man gyrating in front of his tractor. ‘What are you doing?’ the farmer yells. ‘Well,’ the man begins to explain. ‘Things have gone stale in the bedroom with me and my wife. My mate says if I tried doing a sexy dance to a tractor.’ 

This is true. After a check up at the doctor he said to me: “I’m worried about your high blood pressure. It’s your drinking that’s causing it. I’d like you to stay dry for a month.”  So for the next 4 weeks, I took my umbrella when I went to the pub.  

Sarah is fed up with her husband watching football on TV all the time. ‘I’m leaving you!’  she yells. ‘All you care about is football. In any case, I’ve found someone else. He’s much younger, more handsome, tender, and treats me like a princess. Plus, he has a huge willy and makes love to me every day.’ ‘Really?’ her husband replies. ‘Which team does he support?’  

 What did the fish say when it hit a wall? Dam! 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.   I don’t know what he laced them with up with but I’ve been tripping all day. 

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. 

Two horses stood in a field. ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,’ ‘Moo!’ said the second.  

I like jokes about eyes. The cornea the better. 

Archeologists  in Egypt dug up a skelelon covered in chocolate and nuts – they think it’s Pharaoh Rosha.

 

Supplied by

John Park from Motherwell

 

 

 

Week ending 15 04 2017

What do you call a number that can’t keep still? A roamin’ numeral. 

I came back from a week’s holiday and went to check my allotment. It was completely overgrown ---- Talk about the plot thickening……… 

Why did the woman resign from the doughnut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.   

What did the musical instrument say to the pancakes? B FLAT. 

I used to be addicted to soap – but I’m clean now.   

They say the cheetah is the fastest animal on earth. They’re not kidding  – just look at how fast a man can get his clothes on when his wife comes home from work early ---  

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. 

I really want to buy one of those supermarket dividers but the lady on the till keeps putting it back. 

Why should you never play poker with pieces of paper? Because they’re bound to fold.   

What do you call an imaginary colour? A pigment of your imagination. 

For happiness, a male must be aware of the female DNA--- Do Not Aggravate. 

What did one earthquake say to the other? It’s not my fault. 

Jim said to Terry shut your curtains when you are making love to your wife, everybody could see last night and they were all laughing. Terry replied: Well the jokes on them, I was not in last night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the difference between Egypt and Abu Dhabi?  The Egyptians can’t get the Flintstones on the television. But Abu  Dhabi do. 

A wife is looking through her husbands phone messages and is outraged to discover what he’s been getting up to … ‘I can’t believe you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,’ she rages. ‘Well, you can’t blame me,’ he says. ‘You weren’t giving me any!’ ‘That’s your own fault!’ she shouts back. ‘You never told me you were willing to pay for it’. 

Tom and Paul are chatting over a pint. ‘My girl calls my willy a weapon of mass destruction,’ Tom says. ‘What a compliment’ Paul replies. ‘That’s what I thought,’ Tom sighs. ‘Until I found out she meant it was hard to find…’  

A man knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman. ‘I’m doing research for Vaseline,’ he explains. ‘Have you ever used it?’ ‘Yes’ she answers. ‘My husband and I use it every time we make love.’ ‘Great,’ the researcher says. ‘How exactly do you use it?.’ ‘Well’ she says. ‘We put it on the door handle to keep the kids out.’   

I tried to change my password to 14 days. But, my computer said it was two week.   

A husband is getting I LOVE YOU tattooed on his willy as a gesture to his wife. When it’s done, he races home to show her. ‘There you go again,’ she huffs, looking down at his manhood. ‘Trying to put words into my mouth’.  

I fear for the calendar …….. it’s days are numbered. 

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

‘Look grandpa, no hands!’ 

At last I’ve got a job. It’s with a company that cleans mirrors. The pay isn’t bad, and it’s definitely something I could see myself doing. 

Two soldiers are talking in the mess when one says: ‘Pass the pudding, mate.’ ‘No, I won’t’ says his comrade. ‘Why not?’ he asks. ‘It states in Queen’s Regulations you cannot help another soldier to dessert.’ 

We got a really warm welcome down at the Sexual Innuendo Club the other night. They thanked us all for coming.  

When I was a kid my dad told me to put all my pocket money in a special box under the stairs. I was 15 before I realised it was the gas meter.

A guy goes into a pub and sees broken eggs all over the place --- the floor, the walls, the ceiling and the bar.  He asks the barman: “What happened here then?” The barman replies; “We had a hen party last night”

 

 

 

Week ending 01 04 2017

I heard a knock at the door and when I opened it there stood a wee 3 foot 3 inch bloke! I looked at him and said: “Who are you?, pal?” He replied: “I’m the meter man!”  

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had  made it home safely. 

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.  

What goes up and down but doesn’t move ?   Stairs! 

Customer: “Waiter, this stew has a cup handle and a bit of a saucer in it.” Waiter: “Yes sir this is all part of the service.” 

What do you call a vicar riding a Harley Davidson motor bike? Rev. 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 

When do you go red and stop at green. When your eating a water melon. 

A family of tomatoes were walking down the street. The baby tomato was falling behind so the papa tomato squished him and said, “Ketchup!”

 

 

 

Week ending 25 03 2017

I heard a knock at the door and when I opened it there stood a wee 3 foot 3 inch bloke! I looked at him and said: “Who are you?, pal?” He replied: “I’m the meter man!”  

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had  made it home safely. 

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.  

What goes up and down but doesn’t move ?   Stairs! 

Customer: “Waiter, this stew has a cup handle and a bit of a saucer in it.” Waiter: “Yes sir< this is all part of the service.” 

What do you call a vicar riding a Harley Davidson motor bike? Rev. 

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40. 

When do you go red and stop at green. When your eating a water melon. 

A family of tomatoes were walking down the street. The baby tomato was falling behind so the papa tomato squished him and said, “Ketchup!”

 

 

Week ending 17 03 2017

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…. So I got drunk.  

My family all became police marksmen, except one who was a bank robber. He died recently … surrounded by his family.  

A little girl was being driven very fast by her gran so she begged her: ‘Don’t go round the bends so quickly’ Her gran replied ‘Don’t be scared. Just do as I do and close you’re eyes’

Have you heard about the prawn who went to a disco? He pulled a mussel.

 A lady is advised by her doctor take things easy after an op. ‘How soon can I go back to my usual activities?’ she asks. ‘I suppose you mean, er, sex?’ he asks , blushing. ‘Certainly not, you man’ she snaps. ‘I mean vacuuming.’  

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their children were nothing to look at. either. 

Our local library has started selling vegetables. Now there’s a turnip for the books!. 

The wife’s the double of Penelope Cruz. Penelope is 8 stone, while the wife is 16 stone.

 

 

 

 

I heard a knock at the door and when I opened it there stood a wee 3 foot 3 inch bloke! I looked at him and said: “Who are you?, pal?” He replied: “I’m the meter man!”

 

 

Week ending 11 03 2017

After three disastrous attempts at pancakes, my  teenage daughter had bacon sandwiches instead. I asked what she’s giving up for lent?  “Pancakes!”  

Doing crossword in paper, 9 across ‘decorating tool’, 7 letters? I put in husband. 

Sadly, I only mastered one of the three Rs – reading and writing. 

I ordered some clothes online and used my door card instead of my debit card – it cost me an arm and a leg. 

Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C. 

How did the musician catch his fish? He castanet

What do you get when you cross elephants with fish? Swimming trunks. 

In the US there’s a difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale. Northern begins: Once upon a tome. Southern begins: y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh**….  

What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows. 

What did the judge ask the dentist? ‘Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. 

Some people have trouble sleeping … but I can do it with my eyes closed. 

My husband bought me some cast iron sauce pans the other day. I was furious so I hit him over the head with one. It’s known as making my presents felt.

 

Week ending 04 03 2017

Bloke with one hand asked me what is the best shop to get a bargain. I said try the second hand shop in the mall. 

What do they call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto.  

I’ve heard that one of the major supermarkets is selling 55” TV’s for only £50 Because apparently there’s a fault with volume button. At that price, you can’t turn it down.  

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me, luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.  

The misses asked me if I still love her. I said ‘There’s 7 wonders in the world and you are the 8th  -- I often wonder why I married you.’ 

How do you make holes in a fire? ‘With a fire drill’ 

Why did the physics split from the biology teacher? There was no chemistry. 

A hippie caught using drugs in Saudi Arabia has been sentenced to be stoned to death. He won’t be appealing against the ruling. One happy Hippie. 

The doctor said to me: “Did you know that you can get help with your drinking?” I said “Thank you very much doctor. I didn’t know grants were available.” 

What was the car doing in the dressing room? Changing attire.

 

 

Week ending 25 02 2017

My grandfather has the heart of a lion. That’s why he’s banned from our local zoo. 

What’s grey, has for legs and a trunk?  A mouse going on holiday. 

Why did the burglar cut the legs off his bed? He wanted to lie low for a while.

Prince Charles goes to Iran on a visit. Asks the President, ‘where’s the Shah?’ The President says, Sir we haven’t had a Shah for 37 years. OK. I’ll have a bath then.   

I was having a bad day when my awesome fella John decided to cheer me up. Pulling on my bra, he paraded around our bedroom, making me laugh. John isn’t just my boyfriend – he’s also my breast friend.  

A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins on a level crossing. Police described it as a turtle disaster.

Did you hear about the keyboard player whose concert was interrupted by a power cut? Terrible tragedy – multiple organ failure.

What did the llama say when her boyfriend surprised her with a weekend getaway? ‘Apaca bag’

 

Week ending 18 02 2017

A guy’s girlfriend refuses to sleep with him because his willy is too small. So his mate suggests winning her over by showing his caring side. Figuring it’s worth a try, he shaves off all his hair for charity. Days later, his mate calls to ask if the plan had worked. “It did actually,” he replies. My willie looks loads bigger.”  

‘I’ve just been on  a Star Trek date’, a guy brags to his pal. ‘She let me go where no man had gone before’

 A man with both arms in plaster orders a pint and asks the barman to get the money out of his pocket for him. The barman obliges. He then asks the barman to lift the glass to his lips for him. Again, he obliges ‘Thanks for your help,’ the man says’ by the way, where are the toilets?’ In a heartbeat, the barman replies: At the petrol station down at end of the road!’  

A man was explaining to his neighbour: ‘My wife and I spent two hours window shopping yesterday. I eventually had to give up: I’d reached my pane threshold.’  

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe? A little goes a long way. 

Why did the girl keep a loaf of bread in her comic? She liked crummy jokes. 

The NHS provides cradle to grave care. This government just wants to reduce the time between the two. 

What animal do you look like when you’re in the bath? A little bear.  

It’s St. Valentine’s Day. Make sure you send a card to your loved one. And to be on the safe side, send one to your spouse as well.

I’ve crossed a bulldog with a shitzu. What should I call it trouble.? Trouble.  

What did the first mind-reader say to the second mind-reader? You’re all right, how am I. 

The other day I went to my Phil the aerial fitter’s wedding. The service itself was nice, but the reception was absolutely brilliant.

 

 

 

 

W E 11 02 2017

A man rushes to the toilets at a motorway service station, and spots a man in the urinal. ‘Can you tell me the way to Oldham?’ he asks.  ‘Sure,’ the man replies, grabbing hold of his manhood. ‘Some hold ‘em like this and some hold ‘em like that.’  

 My Pet Collie Dog Sammy was told some jokes about sheep. She didn’t find them funny because she’d already herd them.   

What do you get if you cross a snowball with a shark? Frostbite. 

Why did the tap dancer have to retire? He kept falling in the sink. 

How do you start a jelly race? Get set.

I went to the doctors today to ask about water retention in my legs. He said start wearing drainpipe trousers. 

‘I’m leaving you’ the clairvoyant told her husband. ‘That tryst you’re going to have next month is the final straw.’ 

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance? It was a moth ball. 

Q: Why did the man have sex with the hole in the wall? A: You can’t get STD from an ATM.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 28 01 2017

What is a pumpkin’s favourite sport ? Squash.

What did the bookworm say to the librarian? ‘May I burrow this book?’ 

The home furnishings cup final between Furnitureland and Ikea ended rather disappointingly after both teams decided to play for a drawer.

What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer it up.

What do you call a camel without a hump? Humpfrey.

Last night me and the wife watched 3 DVD’s I was the one facing the TV.

What sits in custard looking miserable? Apple grumble. 

“Doctor, doctor, I keep on thinking I’m an apple.” Doctor: “We’d better get to the core of this.” 

Where would you find a turtle with no legs? Wherever you left it.

A chef has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. He said it was a wisk he was prepared to take. 

Q: Why do so many men spend all of their time playing golf? A: Because it’s the only game where foursomes are encouraged, you can show off your wood, polish your balls and it’s perfectly OK to have a short shaft.

 

 

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 21 01 2017

If Trump's secret agents sees a man with a rifle, what do they shout? 'Donald, duck!'  

I saw a sign outside a church it said Jesus saves  --   somebody wrote below it ‘Not on my wages he wouldn’t’

What physicist’s favourite food? Fission chips

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ? Sir!

A woman goes into a bar and sees a man with gigantic feet. ‘Is it true what they say about a men with big feet?’ she asks him. ‘Why don’t you come home with me and find out? He grins. She spends the night with him and next morning hands him £50. ‘thank you,’ he says. ‘No one‘s ever paid me for sex before. I must admit, I’m flattered.’ ‘just go and buy some shoes that fit.’   

Why did the cell cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.

Cookies disabled: of all the stupid phrases, this one takes the biscuit.

Which cheese is made backwards ?  Edam.

A zookeeper has pleaded guilty to injecting a deer with steroids, saying he just wanted to make a fast buck.

On earth I weigh 14 stone. On mars I weigh 5 stone. So I am not overweight I am just living on the wrong planet.

How did the dinosaurs pass their exams? With extinction.

 

Weekly Rants w/e 14 01 2017

How do you tell a cat from a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it’s paws. A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Mick went to the doctor for some advice about his sex life after his wife started losing interest. The doc told him: “Next time you come home from work, give her a box of chocs and sweep her off her feet. “Ravage her – make mad passionate love to her on the lounge floor. You’ll be surprised at her reaction.” When Mick went back to the quack he asked him how it went. “She was surprised all right,” he told him. “And so were the other members of her book club!”

What did the dragon say when he met a knight in shining armour? I love tinned food.

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.  After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He then phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that - last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates ?" To this the Arab replied: " Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

What do you get if you cross a bee with a lizard? A blizzard.

What type of music do ghosts like? Haunting Melodies.

Megan dumps her man because he can’t get it up any more. ‘Goodbye,’ she said. ‘Hope there are no hard feelings!’

 

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 07 01 2017

Wife: ‘We’re having German sausages for tea’ Husband: ‘I don’t like German sausages, they’re the wurst’

A man and a woman meet in a bar and get very flirty. ‘Do you have a nickname for you’re manhood?’ she asks coyly. ‘Yes, I call it Mel Gibson,’ the man smiles. 'It’s my lethal weapon.’

 What did the hungry donkey say when it only had thistles to eat? Thistle do.  

What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head ?  Shelley.

 My New Year’s resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants. Roll on 2017.

 What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.

A man walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with someone else. 'Who's he?' the husband demands. 'That's a fair question,' his wife replies, turning to face her lover. 'What's your name?'

 What do you call  a cat eating a lemon? Sour Puss.

What’s yellow and stupid ? Thick custard.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 02 01 2017

My grandmother is nearly 90 and even now doesn’t need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.

Which Christmas carol is popular in the desert? Oh camel ye faithful.

What does Santa do when his helpers get too fat? He sends them to an Elf Farm.

A man hires a hit man to kill his nagging wife. The hit man says I will shot her just below her left boob. That's no good shouts the man, I want her dead not bloody kneecaped!

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer that men who mention it.

 Christmas always falls on the 25th. So does dad. Can’t take his drink, bless him.

 What did the sheep say to the shepherd? Season’s Bleatings.

What did one rock pool say to the other? Show us your mussels.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 25 12 2016

Where did the mistletoe go in search of fame and fortune? Hollywood.

What goes ‘Oh, oh, oh?’ Santa walking backwards. 

My father gave me an empty box for Christmas. He said it was an action Man deserter kit. An Aberdeen Joke

Mrs Clause said to her husband: 'I'm off to the shops. Anything you want?' Santa replied: 'Could you take my outfit to the cleaner's? It's covered in soot.' His wife tutted: Why must you always enter a house by the chimney? Wouldn't it be simpler to to check if the occupants have left a key under the mat? It would save us a fortune in cleaning bills.' Santa bristled with indignation. 'That's unthinkable. Preposterous!' he said. 'Foe decades It's been traditional to clamber on to roofs and shin down chimneys, and I don't intend to deviate from that custom.' 'Oh, all right,' Mrs Clause replied, in resignation. 'Soot yourself!'

A few minutes before midnight on Christmas Eve, the manager of a busy pub makes an announcement. 'When the clock strikes 12, I want all the wives to stand next to the person who makes their life worth living,' she smiles to the revellers. Sure enough as the countdown begins, the poor bartender is almost crushed to death!

What does a snowman take when he gets ill? A chill Pill.

 Prior to the Christmas parliamentary recess, Jeremy Corbyn walked into the commons carrying two turkeys. The chief usher said: ‘Nice Turkeys. Mr. Corbyn.’ ‘Yes I got them for John McDonnell and Diane Abbott.’ The labour leader replied. The chief usher nodded his head in approval. ‘good swap,’ he replied.

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 24 12 2016

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realised what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

What do you get if you eat Christmas Decorations? Tinsititis. 

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers. 

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. 

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.   

My name is Fin. Which means it’s very hard for me to end “e” mails without feeling pretentious.

My Dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay – he woke up.

What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas Diner? About Five Minutes.

What's yellow and jumps from cake to cake? Tarzipan. 

What do reindeer say before telling a joke? This one will sleigh you!  

 

 

 

 

I hired an East European cleaning lady to hoover my flat the other day -- but it took her 13 hours. Turns out she was a Slovak.

 

Weekly Rants w/e 17 12 2016

Why does Santa have have three gardens?? So he can hoe, hoe, hoe.

My wife just asked if I would like to go upstairs with her and she will put on a black lacy number. I said no thanks, I can’t stand Agadoo.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a Christmas bell. Take these pills and give me a ring if they don’t work.

Why did the old lady knit her grandson three socks for Christmas? Because she heard he had grown another foot.

Did you know you can only scrap very expensive sports cars in Ireland – It’s a long way to Tipaferrari.

What does Santa bring the naughty boys and girls at Christmas? A pack of batteries with a note saying toys not included.

 How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle.

 How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

 

Weekly Rants w/e 10 12 2016

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

What’s pink, wobbly and flies? A jellycopter.

While recently on holiday with Liz. She spent ages trying to cross a busy road. I said “There’s a Zebra crossing down the road” Liz replied saying “I hope it’s having better luck than me.”

A noted street artist has surprised everybody by suddenly quitting. Asked about his future plans he said he would not be drawn.

How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Able.

Why can you never play jokes on snakes? Because you can never pull their legs.

A man has lost his wife in the supermarket. After searching for her in vain for ten minutes, he spots an attractive young woman pushing a trolley and decides to start up a conversation. “Can I talk to you for five minutes?” he asks politely. “Why?” the woman asks, puzzled. “Well,” the man admits. “Whenever I talk to a woman with breasts as large as yours, my wife suddenly appears as if from nowhere.” 

Q Why do men like to go fishing? A It’s the only time in their lives they’re ever likely to hear…. “Wow, that’s a big one!” 

What do you call an arse with three legs ? A wonkey

 

Weekly Rants 03 12 2016

Ninety per cent of atoms arrested by the police are not charged, but they still keep an I on them.

What do you call a bee with a quiet hum? A mumble bee.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said: ‘You don’t need a tin opener for a banana. The monkey said: ‘I know, this is for the custard’  

When is the best time to buy a canary? When it’s going cheap.

What is an Ig?  An Eskimo’s house without a loo.

 ‘Militant feminists ---- I take my hat off to them.  They don’t like that.’

A carpet fitter fought of a couple of muggers, using just a small nail he found in his pocket. As he explained latter: ‘A tack is the best form of defence.’

Which mobile network do mechanics use? Torque Torque.

Robbers went into a stationary store yesterday and stole 1,000 blunt pencils. Police say the crime was pointless.

 

26 11 2016

What did the ghost say to his son? Spook when you are spoken to.  

A boxer friend on mine texted me to say he’d been fixed up with a title fight against a German, named only as Hans. I wished him luck. A few days later, he texted: ‘I won! Hans down!’

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.

A husband walks into the bedroom with a paracetamol tablet and a glass of water. “Are you feeling all right, love?” ask his wife, concerned. “Yes” he says. “This is for your head.” “But, I don’t have a headache,” his wife replies, before clutching her hand over her mouth. “Gotcha” the man whoops.

What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.

What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.

What goes dot-dot-dot-croak? A morse toad.

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie—talkie.

Al Martino

'Here in my Heart' by Al Martino. The American with Italian roots, who had once been a bricklayer, took popular music into a new world with the very first British Christmas No. 1 hit single. It would remain at the top of the new fanged "charts" for nine weeks, a feat that has only been matched on handful of occasions since.

 

 

 

 

 

“’I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘Very well,’ he said – and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.”

 

 

19 11 2016

Why did the ghost starch her sheet? So she could scare everyone stiff.

The latest trend among school-leavers is to spend 12 months working for one of the rail companies before going to university. It’s called a mind-the-gap-year.

How do hens and rooster’s dance? Chick to chick.

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit ?  An Egg.

I’m beginning to believe my house is haunted. Every time I look in the mirror a crazy old man stands in front of me so I can’t see my reflection.

Why was the bee’s hair sticky? Because she used a honeycomb.

 Whoever invented the knock-knock jokes should get the NO Bell Prize.

How do we know Rapunzel liked a good party? She was always letting her hair down.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?? Dinomite.

What do you call the small rivers that run into the Nile? Juveniles.

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 12 11 2016

Did you hear about the blind man who broke into the church? The police gave chase, and finally caught him by the organ.

Doctors have discovered a food that makes women sick for years after eating it. It’s called wedding cake.

Why are ghosts so bad at lying? You can see right through them.

Why did the dinosaur take a bath? To get ex-stinked.

Q:- What’s the best sexual position?  A:- In front of the TV

A young man walks past his elderly neighbours’ house, and sees the husband sitting in the front garden with no trousers or pants on. “Excuse me,” the young guy calls out. “Are you OK? Why are you only wearing a shirt?” “It’s my wife’s idea,” the old bloke replies, smiling. “You see, the last time I sat out in the garden I didn’t wear a shirt and I got a stiff neck.”

How do you get rid of water on the knee?  Wear drain-pipe trousers.

What’s the difference between a wet day and an injured lion?  One’s pouring with rain; the other’s roaring with pain.

What happens when the Queen burps? She issues a royal pardon.

 

 

 

Auld Motherwell

(Jimmy Kelly 1975)

Auld Motherwell, Auld Motherwell – where have ye gone

Nae Brandon Street or Barrie Street

Where “the Cinny” used tae staun

Cowboy flicks that starred Tom Mix

Flash Gordon was a treat

Moscis, the Pavillion – remember Thistle Street

 

Davie Crabbe’s great swimmers, where have they gone

Nae Gibsons, Raes or McDonalds

Nor Tommy Ferguson

Long, long runs as champions

Nancy Riach was a treat

Verechias at the La-Scalla – remember Pollock Street

 

Auld Motherwell, Auld Motherwell – where have ye gone

There was Camp Street and Parkhead Street

Where “the Empire” used to staun

Stars were born like Tommy Lorne

Chic Murray was a treat

Fazzi’s “the Theatre” – remember Millar Street

 

Johnnie Hunter’s “dossers”, where have they gone

Nae McFadyens, Ferriers, Patons

Or Geordie Stevenson

Games they won were lots of fun

Ben Ellis was a treat

The Fir Park cafe, Marshall’s chips

Remember Findlay Street

 

New Motherwell, New Motherwell, proudly you staun

Motorways and lofty towers

Are seen from Hamilton

There’s just one thing that’s left for me

It would give me such a treat

If the Strathclyde Region powers that be

Wid make the toon complete!

 

 Jimmy Kelly 1975

 

Weekly Rants w/e 05 11 2016

What do you get if you cross a cow with a duck?  Cream quackers.

Why did the physics teacher fall out with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

A wife answers the door to her husband. He has lipstick on his face and alcohol on his breath. “I hope you have good reason for rolling up here at 7am !“ she shouts. “Yes” he slurs. “Breakfast.”

 Q:- Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets? A:- So they can still run their fingers through their hair.

The kangaroo mother became incredibly itchy around the belly. She opened her pouch and shouted into it, “How often have I told you not to eat crunchy biscuits in bed!”

Why were two flies playing a football match in a saucer? They were practicing for the cup.

Which bird is always out of breath?. A puffin.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 29 10 2016

What’s white and dashes through the desert with a bed pan? Florence of Arabia.

I’m following my dad into the clown business. He has big shoes to fill.

Why did the robot go on holiday? To recharge his batteries.

What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

A gangster’s mole was sawing the legs of his bed. I said “Why are you doing that mate?” He said “The boss told me to lay low for a few months!”

Just how the heck could there have been a marmite shortage when a whole jar can last some people at least five years?.

Why did the vampire’s wife leave him?  He was a pain in the neck.

 Teacher: ‘Will any idiot in the room stand up please?’ (A student stands up). Teacher: ‘Why do you think you’re an idiot?’ Student: ‘I don’t, but I hate to see you standing there by yourself.’

My brother’s a lumberjack. Such a nice feller.

Why do toadstools grow so close together? They don’t need mushroom.

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 22 10 2016

My mate always comes down to breakfast wearing his Rangers team shirt. One morning his wife sighed: “I sometimes think you love that team more than you love me.” He admitted: “I love Celtic more than I love you.”

Which words do women dread the most while making love? “Hi honey, I’m home” 

My mate just rang me and asked: “What are you doing at the moment?” “Probably failing my driving test.”

There was some programs about making sauces on the box at the weekend. I missed it at the time and forgot to record it, but I think it’s on ketchup.

What does coincidence mean? That’s funny, I was going to ask you the same thing.

The National Association of Walking Stick Manufacturers has closed temporarily, due to a staff shortage.

A man spent an hour telling me about the time he was trapped in a lift on floor 12. He was later trapped in a lift on the 13th Floor, but that’s another storey.

What do you call a wizard from outer space?  A flying sorcerer.

Heard the one about the Essex girl Tracey? She thought Sussex was a position she hadn’t tried before.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 15 10 2016

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

My girlfriend Ruth had the top of her house blow off  - she is now ruthless.

What kind of music scares balloons ? Pop Music. 

Why is history fruity? Because it’s full of dates.

A man decides he wants to have threesome, so he asks his wife if she’d ever try one with him. ‘No way,’ she snaps. ‘I’d rather you just made one woman unhappy rather than two.’

A man has been spotted drilling holes in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.

Q:- Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in marriage?   A:- Because they’re bored of using their own.

Why did the scientist disconnect his doorbell?  He wanted to win the Nobel prize.

I was sharing a bottle of wine with my wife when I said “I really love you” “Is that the wine talking?” my wife asked. “No, it’s me talking to the wine!” I replied.

Sue is visiting her Gynaecologist. “How is you libido?” the doctor asks pulling on a pair of gloves. “My what?”  she questions. “Libido,” the doctors repeats. “Do you feel like having sex?”  “Well my husband is waiting outside in the car,” she replies. “But if you’re quick, go on then.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

26 11 2016

What did the ghost say to his son? Spook when you are spoken to.  

A boxer friend on mine texted me to say he’d been fixed up with a title fight against a German, named only as Hans. I wished him luck. A few days later, he texted: ‘I won! Hans down!’

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.

A husband walks into the bedroom with a paracetamol tablet and a glass of water. “Are you feeling all right, love?” ask his wife, concerned. “Yes” he says. “This is for your head.” “But, I don’t have a headache,” his wife replies, before clutching her hand over her mouth. “Gotcha” the man whoops.

What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.

What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.

What goes dot-dot-dot-croak? A morse toad.

What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot? A walkie—talkie.

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 08 10 2016

What do you call a creature with nothing between it’s head and it’s shoulders ? The Lost Neck Monster.

Why did the cannibal join the police force?.  So he could grill his suspects

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?  Because he was sitting on the deck.  

 The Vicar said to the young lad at Sunday School, “tell me, who went to Mount Olive?” “Popeye” was the quick reply.    

   Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights.        

Police are seeking a gang of thieves who stole a whole shop in Regent Street last night. They are appealing for anyone who saw people taking Liberty’s

What’s the difference between a hippo and A Zippo? One’s very heavy the other’s a little lighter.  

Did you hear the one about the cannibal lion ?? He had to swallow his pride.

I just got my first Christmas card, when I opened it a Yorkshire fell out – I think it was from my aunt Bessie.

 I watched a very old version of the film Treasure Island last night. Long John Silver had still got two legs and he also has a budgie on his shoulder.

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 01 10 2016

What happens when a witch loses her temper? She flies off the handle.

A woman sees a teenager crying in a doctor’s surgery. When she finds out what’s wrong she immediately storms into see the GP. “Did you tell that girl she was pregnant?” she demands ”I did,” the doctor smiles. “That’s not funny at all!” the woman snaps, furiously. “I agree” the doctor says. “But it did cure her hiccups.”

 Jane and Helen are talking on the phone. “I’ve just had the weirdest first date,” Jane says. “The guy wasn’t interested in getting to know me at all. He just spent the whole evening trying to take my bra off.” “Hmmm,” Helen replies. “That’s very presumptuous for a first date.” “I guess I was to blame,” Jane sighs. “I should never have let him wear it in the first place.”

I’ve just been attacked by a little ginger lad doing martial arts. It turned out he was the carroty kid! 

What do you get if you cross a dog with a telephone? A golden receiver.

Why did nobody like the bike courier ? Because he just moped around.

Last night I had a bath in milk. My neighbour asked me, “Was it pasteurised?”  “No” I said, “It was just up to my chin!”   

 

 

 

 

Weekly Rants w/e 24 09 2016

A man at a restaurant flagged down the waiter and said, “Excuse me, I have a bee in my soup.” The waiter replied, “Yes, sir, Didn’t you order the alphabet soup?”

Dear man, I bet you any amount of money I can make your girlfriend scream much louder than you can tonight in bed. Yours sincerely  The spider on the wall.

Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I just can’t control my aggression?” Doc: How long have you suffered from this condition?” Patient: “What the hell’s it got to do with you?”

What’s the coldest place in the world? Chile.

A thief broke into my house during the night searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.

I went to the doctor’s and said: “I keep having bad dreams about teepees and wigwams.” He said: “Don’t worry about it, your just feeling two tents!”

Two guys are sitting in a bar. ‘I had the best time of my life last night,’ the first says. ‘I had sex with twins!’ ‘How could you tell them apart?’ his mate asked. ‘Well,’ The first explains, ‘Jessica had long, beautiful blond hair, and Jason had a goatee.’