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all my comedy stuff.htm
Gyles Brandreth Witty
Jokes & Cartoons
Bird Flu Humour
Cheaper Car fuel
130 Year old Joke
Jokes by type
Park Family Tree
Name and Shame
Tekla Models Sceenshots
Tekla Custom Components.htm
Tekla Structures Hints & Tips
Motherwell Masters Swim Club
Computer and Web Design Hints and tips
British Hospitals - True
the Bonkle Poet William McCormack "Memories O' Hame" and other poems
the poet among other things Bill Baron Irvine
Model Stair Stringers in Tekla
Robert Burns's Auld Lang
Tekla Structures hints and tips working in drawings
Tekla Advanced Topics.htm
Tekla all my stuff.htm
Components my Standard connections.htm
ARC Steel Commercials.htm
Aqua Energy Paisley.htm
James Cowie & Co. Ltd.htm
Crosswords, a century of
Martin Luther King.htm
St Vitus' Dance.htm
A traveller through England on vacation lost his wallet and
all of his identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Australian Customs
Agents at the airport.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but
I lost my wallet," replied the bloke. "Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID,
said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an Australian!" he exclaimed. "I have a
picture of Bob Hawke
tattooed on one side of my arse and Paul Keating on the other.." "This I gotta
see, “replied the agent.
With that, the bloke dropped his strides and showed the agent his behind. "By
hell, you're right!"
exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Melbourne ." "Thanks!" he said.
"But how did you
know I was from Melbourne ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Gillard in the
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'm popping out for a while, I'll be back soon..."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar,
pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't
know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,
loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He
didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the
freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband,
looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those
hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back.
I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs
in blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey... at the
bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want
dirty words, cutie pie?... "LISTEN UP, DIC KHEAD! DRINK YOUR F*CKING BEER IN
YOUR G*D-D*MN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-F*CKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU
AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT??
And they lived happily ever after.
Speeding Down Under
An Oz newspaper reports that four youths in
Canberra approached a speed-camera van, and
while three of them engaged the operator in
questions about how it worked, the fourth
surreptitiously removed the van's number
plate. The four then screwed the plate on to
their own car and drove past the radar at
high speed 17 times, leading to 17 automated
speeding tickets arriving at the Department
STORY NUMBER ONE
Many years ago, Al Capone
virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous
for anything heroic. He was notorious for
enmeshing the windy city in everything from
bootlegged booze and prostitution to
murder.Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy
Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason.
Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at
Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his
appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not
only was the money big, but also, Eddie got
special dividends. For instance, he and his
family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in
help and all of the conveniences of the day. The
estate was so large that it filled an entire
Chicago City block. Eddie lived the high life of
the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to
the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did
have one soft spot, however. He had a son that
he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young
son had clothes, cars, and a good education.
Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And,
despite his involvement with organized crime,
Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong.
Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he
was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence,
there were two things he couldn't give his son;
he couldn't pass on a good name or a good
example. One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult
decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he
had done. He decided he would go to the
authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface"
Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer
his son some semblance of integrity. To do
this, he would have to testify against The Mob,
and he knew that the cost would be
So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's
life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely
Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given
his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at
the greatest price he could ever pay. Police
removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a
religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a
The clock of life is wound but
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.
STORY NUMBER TWO
World War II produced many
heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare. He was a
fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier
Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his
entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he
was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and
realized that someone had forgotten to top off
his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to
complete his mission and get back to his ship.
His flight leader told him to return to the
carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of
formation and headed back to the fleet. As he
was returning to the mother ship he saw
something that turned his blood cold: a squadron
of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way
toward the American fleet. The American fighters
were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but
defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and
bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor
could he warn the fleet of the approaching
danger. There was only one thing to do. He must
somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside
all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into
the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted
50 calibre's blazed as he charged in, attacking
one surprised enemy plane and then another.
Butch wove in and out of the now broken
formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his
ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he
continued the assault. He dove at the planes,
trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of
damaging as many enemy planes as possible and
rendering them unfit to fly. Finally, the
exasperated Japanese squadron took off in
another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare
and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and
related the event surrounding his return. The
film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane
told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's
daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in
destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place
on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch
became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the
first Naval Aviator The Congressional Medal of
Honour. A year later Butch was killed in aerial
combat at the age of 29. His home town would not
allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and
today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in
tribute to the courage of this great man. So,
the next time you find yourself at O'Hare
International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his
Medal of Honour. It's located between Terminals
1 and 2.
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE
TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?
Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's"
HOORAY FOR THE SENIOR GENERATION
A very self-important college freshman at a recent football game, took it upon
himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible
for the older generation to understand his own. "You grew up in a different,
actually almost primitive, world," the student said loud enough for the whole
crowd to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing ....and uh......" Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the
student's litany, the wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them...... you arrogant little
shithead!! Now......what are you doing for the next generation??"
A mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it
was. the professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full, the students responded with a
unanimous "YES". The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed. Now, said the professor as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize
that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things....
God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite
passions.... and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life
would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter... your job, your house, and
your car. The sand is everything else... the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for
the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your
time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that
are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the golf balls first.... the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with
the Mafia's lost money.
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the
private businesses that they were "protecting. "Feeling the heat from the police
force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught,
he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his
first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to
keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that
their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf
collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The
deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an
interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money
is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf signs in reply, "I
don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says
he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a large gun and
places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signs in reply, "The
$50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the
West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still
doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to
pull the trigger."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Tony Blair, John Prescott, Gordon Brown and
Jack Straw. They're asking for a £300 million ransom. Otherwise they're
to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to
car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
<<<scroll down for the answer >>>
> "About a gallon."
A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life... until the boat sank! He found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about
four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous
woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her,
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed
from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship
sank" "Amazing," he says "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash
up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh,
that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable,
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few hours of r owing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As
the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat. Before him is
a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?" "No, thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't
take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman
replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his
continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to
talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm
going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No
longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she
greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically
positioned, and smelling of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down
next to her! . "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months?" She stares into his
eyes and takes his hand in hers... He can't believe what he's hearing.
He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says,
"You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A MOTHER
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house. His three children were outside, still in their pyamas, playing
in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the
front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door
to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A
lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and
the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In
the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the
table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly
headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,
looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something
serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled
in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and
asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You
know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world
I did today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
THE RABBIT JOKE
A rabbit walks into a pub
and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie." The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a
ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie,
he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks
for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now
intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word
gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit
consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks
the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please
barman." The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The
next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, The barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and
says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman",
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties." The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to
almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
"We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie." The rabbit looks him
in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated
breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile
says, "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know
you'll love it." "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a
Cheese and Onion Toastie." The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs
the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves
- NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public
house the barman calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar,
he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says,
"Who are you?" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit
that used to frequent your public house." The barman says, "I remember
you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint
of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this
place was famous." The rabbit says, "Yes I know." The barman said, "I
remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties,
you had a Cheese and Onion one instead." The rabbit said "Yes, you
promised me that I would love it." The barman said "You never came back,
after that fateful night. What happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"what from?" asks the bar man.
After a short pause, the
rabbit said ... "Mixing Me Toasties."
THE DUCK JOKE
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint
of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But
you're a duck" "I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck. "And
you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see you're ears are working" says
the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly,"
says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many
talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm
working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the
duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for
2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the
circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the
circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your
circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" "Sounds marvellous" says
the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." So the next day, the duck
comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line
you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck,
"Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The
circus?" the duck inquires. "That's right" replies the landlord.The
circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals, and the big
canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" "That's right!" says the
landlord The duck looks confused. "What the f*ck do they want with a plasterer?"
THE PRIEST THE
MINISTER AND THE RABBI
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi would
get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made
the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real
challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and
they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches,
and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he
says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing
to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy
water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a
lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy
soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent
the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who
was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The
rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have
been the best way to start."
Where did railway track gauge come from?
The US standard
railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England,
and English expatriates
built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same
people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the
people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used
wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did
have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use
any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old,
long distance roads in England,
because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in
England) for their legions. The roads have been used
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots
were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in
the matter of wheel
spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge
of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is
derived from the original specifications for an
Imperial Roman war
chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next
time you are
handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass
came up with it, you
may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman
army chariots were made
just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two
Now, the twist to the story.
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch
pad, there are two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the
main fuel tank. These
are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are
made by Thiokol at
their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed
the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs
had to be shipped by
train from the factory
to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run
through a tunnel in
the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad
track, and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as wide as two
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is
world's most advanced transportation system was
determined over two
thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
- And - You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't
Manure: An interesting fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be transported by
ship, and before the discovery of fertilizer's
beneficial properties, large
shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form
it weighed a lot less than
when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not
only became heavier but the
process of fermentation began again. A by
product of fermentation is methane
gas, so as the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles, you can imagine what
could (and did) happen. Methane began to build
up below decks and the first
time someone came below at night with a lantern,
Several ships were destroyed in this
manner before it was determined
just what was happening After that, the bundles
of manure were always
stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit,"
which meant sailors should
stow it high enough off the lower decks so that
any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and
start the production of
Thus evolved the term " S.H.I.T. " (Ship
High In Transport), which
has come down through the centuries and is in
use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true
origin of this word.
Neither did I. I always thought it was a